Advice needed ASAP please
Forums:
I am new to this site. I have an almost 17 yr old SD and an almost 7 yr old BD. My husband is my BD's Step Dad. Always had a good relationship amongst all of us till recent move. Now SD is retreating and doing nothing but sulking in room all day. BD is really flourishing. The change with SD is really having bad effects on the rest of us and we cannot afford to pay a counselor. What do I do??? I feel like I am losing my husband and family.
Need more info...where did
Need more info...where did you move from, how long ago? Where is her mom etc..
A 17 yr old is a complicated situation.
Hi Dragonfly! Sorry I didn't
Hi Dragonfly! Sorry I didn't start with more info. DH and I moved to MT from SC a few months ago from SC. We took a great job running a ranch. That is what we both do, and have always done. The community here and schools are fantastic. SC's schools have steadily gone down here. Hardly anyone sends there kids to public school where we were cause they have gotten so bad. Anyway, BM has never really raised SD, DH has for the past 13 yrs. BM is an alcoholic and has many issues. The older SS is raised and out on his own and doing great, Thank God. He would actually like to move to this area, which I think is great. SD is DH's only daughter, and I think he is quite frustrated about how to handle a teenage girl. He does try though. Anyway we have tried to talk to her and understand what is bothering her, but she just flat shuts down and stops talking. I'm worried how this is affecting her schoolwork as well. She has some studies left to finish so she can start 11th grade in Aug. I, DH and others have offered help, but she refuses. It's almost like she has gone into self sabotage mode. Every time we offer to let her get involved in outside activities, she refuses those too. Like I said, she seems to only want to lay around in her room and eat and watch tv and play on her Ipod. Is it jealousy? normal teenage stuff? Also, whenever we ask her to help out around the house she mostly ignores us or huffs and puffs the few times she does do something.
Anyway, hope this gives you more insight...
Thanks!
Susan
An addition here.... One of
An addition here....
One of the ways this is hurting DH and myself is this. DH is now so worried about SD all the time, he has completely stopped interacting with me. He won't even hold my hand anymore, never mind anything past that if you know what I mean. He says the stress just makes him too tired. We have gone from being what I thought was a "normal", good relationship to living like roommates. All he does anymore is work, eat and sleep. I'm lucky if I get a hello during the time we're around each other. I'm now in the position of working full time plus doing all the house work and cooking by myself. The only "me time" I get is going to church Sun. mornings.
Hi, sw! First, you can only
Hi, sw! First, you can only do so much b/c you're the stepparent. I think that sucks, but I think it's true. Like my mom always tells me I CAN'T discipline my boyfriend's kids, so I need to bring any and all problems to HIM to deal with. That being said, you and DH need to be a team here! Come up with an actual plan for steering the girl in the right direction... it doesn't matter if you're the one w/all the ideas, he has to be on-board and be the one to actually execute them. For starters, I think a lot of her behavior you're describing IS normal teenage girl BS, HOWEVER-- when she is expected to do something to help around the house, she needs to do it! She sounds like she needs a little structure... whatever she chooses to do with her life once she's out from under you and her father's roof is up to her, but for the time being, you and DH should sit down and make a list you can both agree to, of your expectations for her. Then, sit down with HER and outline it for her in no uncertain terms. Make sure there are consequences, too. Don't help out in the house, don't prepare for school? Okay, bye-bye, iPod. Stuff like that. She sounds like she needs a firm hand. Good luck!
The drama is normal teenage
The drama is normal teenage stuff, but lets face it, what a move for a teenager. You just took her from what she knows to the great unkown.
Children from divorce hate change. They have had enough of it.
Your DH needs to act and soon. If she has done a 180 there is a reason for it.
I agree with Cat, you need something to get her out and about and out of that room.
There is something else going on too if your DH is withdrawing from you.
You need to be taking emotional and physical support from each other. You cannot let this go.
Structure and communication are key to raising a teenager or any child. Everyone loves structure and boundaries even if they don't know it.
Sit you hubby down somewhere where you can actually have a conversation. Don't leave until you have some sort of plan and resolution.
At this point your marriage and you SD's health are at risk.
Good luck to you, sounds like you love where you live now!
I agree that the move could
I agree that the move could very well be what is causing her to be withdrawn. That's extremely tough on teens. And probably pushing her to talk wont' work. I think you can only try to find ways to give her back the social life and friends she is missing. Does she have sports or hobbies that you can help her find her way into in the new place?
I agree too that structure and making her be a part of the household and family goes a long way to making a child feel like they contribute and belong.
I agree that I think it’s the
I agree that I think it’s the move. She just had to move to a completely different state away from all her friends and everything she knew and was familiar with. It’s a hard adjustment for anyone, but in particular a child.
Was BM in SC? It could be that she was always holding out hope that BM would come around and be a part of her life. That BM would show up for things, that she would be more involved, but now that is hopeless.
It could be that she feels very out of place and unfamiliar and just wants to go “home”.
Has she started school yet? Was there sports or activities she was involved in? It could be she is worried about school starting, worried about fitting in, worried about if she is going to be accepted on the team or in the activities she enjoyed in her old school.
You say that DH is working all the time and now you are too. It could be she misses the home life she use to have – she misses you guys. Is there anyway you can plan a family outing or start a simple family tradition like “game night” or “movie night”? Could you get her a job helping on the ranch? If she like a certain sport – look into see what is offered in the area. Go see the high school she will be attending. Bring her to church with you so she can met other youths in the area. Try to find ways to bring her out of her room and include her in the family and in her new home, school, and environment.
OK, I hear all of you, and
OK, I hear all of you, and you all have very valid points
Let me back step a little....she had no social life back in SC. Her BM has always been uninvolved, till now. Now BM is trying to stir the pot. She hardly ever saw SD, maybe twice a yr.. before. BM never called, etc.. SD was home schooled for a yr. before DH and I got married and started living together. I have helped her the past yr. She seemed excited about going to real school again this fall. She has to finish some stuff still though so she can go into the correct grade. She turns 17 in 2 days. She has a weight issue too. I have always helped and supported with this too. I have taken her to Church, outings, etc. I have plans to take her with me tomorrow to local 4H club so she can meet some kids. Don't know if she will go or back out.....she has been given jobs here with boss that she performs wonderfully for, but they pay her. When she isn't getting paid...nothing. We, as a family discussed this move at length before we came. She was all for it. Most of this behavior has pooped up since we moved. I get the fact the move is the main issue, but when we ask her if she wants to try and move back to SC and live with BM, she says absolutely no. So now what??? Do I keep trying to talk to her??? DH says he has done all he knows to do, and if she "falls on her butt" then that will have been her choice
Maybe she is feel nervous
Maybe she is feel nervous about starting school. If she was homeschooled before this could be a very big adjustment for her, even if she was all for it. She might unsure if she will fit in, might feel that she is not like other kids, worried she will be teased - espeically if she has a weight issue. Maybe you can take her to the new school and talk to the counselor at the school about any issues she maybe having with adjusting.
I would keep trying to include her and talk to her and help her to settle in to life there.
I agree wholeheartedly. I
I agree wholeheartedly. I know she's nervous, and I am trying really hard to do any and everything I can to help. I love her dearly. I'm just so exhausted and overwhelmed right now....I'm trying to be everything for everybody else and I'm just emotionally almost bankrupt ya know. Just glad I have found some people who at least care enough to respond. Thanks so much to all of you that have!