mariemadeline's picture

Help dealing with stepdaughter and her mother

When my husband was in college, he had a child with his girlfriend. When he and I met, he told me there was no relationship with the mother or the daughter because the daughter kind of freaked out when she found out her stepdad was not her real dad and told my husband to never talk to her again (she was 8 years old at the time). My husband has no custody rights and as far as I know, no leagal visitation rights either.
After the daughter found out that my husband and I were married last year, she became very interested in us. The mother called me constantly as did the daughter. The mother asked me to talk to the daughter (who is now 13) about boys. I told her that it is not my place because the girl had never met me. The mother insisted because she does not feel comfortable talking to her daughter about such things. I did not talk to the daughter because like i mentioned it is not my place.
This past March, the mother, daughter, stepfather, and 2 half brothers came out for a family vacation (they live in another state). My husband and I were very hospitable towards them, doing everything we could to make their vacation a happy one. Everything seemed to be going well.
About a month after the vacation, the mother tried to break up my marriage by telling my husband that she still has feelings for him. I believe the mother is poisoning the daughter towards me and her father by feeding her lies. The daughter now refuses to speak to me or my husband.
The mother had told me that she has been on medication for depression, and my husband had warned me that she is psychotic sometimes. I did not believe my husband, but now I know he was right. I do not talk to the daughter or the mother because i tried to take myself out of the equation, but I recently found out the mother thinks i am (and these are her words) "F___ed up". I want to call her and tell her off, but I have more class than that, plus I do not want to do anything to hurt my husbands "relationship" with his daughter.
Anyone have any advice they can send my way because this is driving me insane. Thanks!
(I also posted this under "Teenage Stepchildren", but I think it is more appropriate here)

Zoie's picture

I would walk away totally

I would walk away totally from BM and SD..I mean they seem to be both nuts. You and your husband have no relationship with these people..they are basically strangers to you both. I would not have anything to do with either of them..

Seems to me your SD is just like her mother and at the end of the day your marriage is more just move on and forget about it..



mariemadeline's picture

I want to walk away but my

I want to walk away but my husband "will not give up on his daughter" He was asked to give up his parental rights so her stepdad can adopt her, but my husband refuses. Only 6 more years...

novemberm's picture

Unfortunately, it really isnt

Unfortunately, it really isnt only 6 more years. I am having a very hard time coping with my boyfriends adult children-they get worse every week, it seems. There are many horror stories on here about older step children. I don't know what will happen in your case, but since your husband has her in his life now, she will remain there forever. HOPEFULLY, things will calm down with the BM. But, she will probably always have issues, unless she gets help.

This is kind of tough, bc your husband has no legal rights. He better be really careful. I would tell him that if he wants a relationship with his daughter, he should proceed with caution. He cannot trust either of them now, and he should not for a long time. Her mother has already acted horribly, and it seems like he needs to move very slowly. I wonder also how the stepdad feels, now that your husband is in the picture. I think it is really good that they live in another state.

I dont blame you for wanting to walk away, but since your hubby doesnt want to, you may have to see how things go. BUT you do not have to deal with this crazy woman, and I would never do vacations or anything like that ever again. You can support your husband, but he and you do not have to let this child and her mom walk all over you. Set the tone NOW, bc if he allows his daughter to play games and manipulate him, she will NEVER stop.

Lots of luck to you!