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co-sleeping

storm11's picture

I have been with my boyfriend for 8months - he is a solo dad to a 2.5year old boy and has just started letting his son sleep in our bed in the mornings. I have an issue with this because we sleep naked and I believe that our bed is our space and one of the few places we actually get to be alone together. I also worry that it will create a habit and, when his son can reach the door handle, will come into our room whenever he likes and worry he could walk in on us having sex!
I talked to my boyfriend about it and he was surprised I had an issue with it, then immediately went and put his son into bed with us!
Am I being totally irrational and crazy?? :?

twopines's picture

If he immediately put the boy in your bed after you voiced your concern, then take this as a sign that he will dismiss other concerns you will have about appropriate boundaries.

Disneyfan's picture

Actions speak louder than words. His actions show that he doesn't care about/respect your feelings on this issue.

hismineandours's picture

Really? He is putting his son in bed with you guys when you are both naked? IMO, thats just weird and could be a DCS report waiting to happen especially if their is an evil bm lurking around.

herewegoagain's picture

Different standards, maybe...my kid, we are very open to this for various reasons...and no, neither of us sleep naked. As far as HIS kid, she tried that for a while...her mom told her "she could sleep with daddy"...go figure! idiot! I know she just did that to tick me off...but anyway, I told DH this...

"If it was our child, no problem. Your child? Would you want her sleeping with her mom and HER new flavor of the month? If the answer is no, then don't do it to me either...because at the end, if you do, I can assure you that she will someday use it against YOU!" That was enough for him to understand. He put her in bed immediately. She complained for weeks that her mom told her she could sleep with him and he was having none of it...

Stick to your guns...this is DCS waiting to knock on your door if you allow it...make sure your DH understands this.

Auteur's picture

Twopines and houtxstepmom are right on.

Here are some classic signs of "guilty daddy." These men make their CHILDREN their spouses and can not establish a healthy adult relationship because of it.

RUN!!

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night/morning)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.

Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?

Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.

How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?

There are many other considerations as this type of relationship is not to be taken lightly.

qtpie013178's picture

Co-sleeping in the nude borders on incestuous behavior in my book. When my 2 yo wants to get in our bed, we put on pajama bottoms at the very least! THat is not healthy for his son. You are not the bio mom, and even if you were, at 2.5 is when you start covering up in front of opposite sex kids.

I would tread cautiously, and he seems to have issues early on, do you need all that drama?

Freyasaur's picture

Urrggg I feel for you around this!!! When my bf and I got together this caused a lot of frustration. My sd was 4 and would only fall asleep if a parent stayed with her until she was asleep. For an easy life he would let her climb into bed with him, when she woke in the night, or in the mornings. He can fall asleep in seconds, and also sleep talks, so half the time he said he didn't remember is happening. My bf and his sd are not small people, and a double bed simply was not big enough for 3! I would find myself squashed and unable to sleep properly, and would lie there uncomfortable and furious. I too had a hostile response. I hadn't fully moved in, and he would advise me to go home if I didn't like. I refuse to live like that! It took about a year and half and lots of tears until it fully stopped!! I had to establish that It was our room, and she had hers. As with most suggestions around her he was defensive. I had to also understand his point of view that lots of parents enjoy morning cuddles with kids. The problem is, that the kids get up earlier and earlier for that time. I think its harder for the parent to break, than the child Sad the quick fix for a bit more sleep, does indeed come back to bite you. Be patient, and try to approach the subject at a time that they are not tierd or stressed. Share how it makes you feel, rather than criticise. Sadly my bf only seems to listen when I'm crying at breaking point? I usually get the surprised concerned look and 'i didnt realise it was upsetting you that much'. I think it's a man thing, that they struggle to hear what's actually being said, without minimising it lol.

The Other Mother's picture

AH! Someone else with this issue!!! My SS is 5. FIVE. He was never one to sleep in his mom's bed until I came along. In some sort of territorial protest, he's demanded more often than not in recent weeks to sleep in his mother's bed, which puts my ass on the couch. I don't feel comfortable sharing a bed, especially a full-sized bed, with him between us. ESPECIALLY considering the fact that his BF is on a warpath to find some way that I'm abusing the child because he doesn't want his son (who's never meant much to him before) living with two women. My partner is a very hippie-dippie, relaxed and natural mother, and she is expecting much of the same out of me. Sorry! I'm not so comfortable with children; I'm less comfortable with him because of BF and his threats.

My advice to other stepparents whose beds have been invaded: voice your opinion, and sleep on the couch for a few nights and don't complain about it. It bothered my partner to the point that she's actually defended me and my space against SS for about a week now. I'm not sure if it's guilt or lack of sex or what, but it worked.