outsider in my own home
I am so happy to find this site. I am new to this sort of thing, so forgive me as I fumble through this! My stepdaughter has my husband wrapped around her little finger! The other day, my husband called me sweetheart, and she said "I don't want you calling her that, that is my name!" He ran to her apologizing, saying "I am so sorry, I won't call her that anymore!".
I feel like he allows her to run our house. He doesn't come to me to ask what we should do this weekend, he asks her, and decides without even consulting me. Which restaraunt? He asks HER! AND there are four other children in the house, three of which are my biological children from my previous marriage. My kids are sick of it, and frankly, I feel very sorry for them that they have to be exposed to this. After my husband and I talked about it in private, he apologized, and said that I was right, and that he would tell her that sometimes he will call me some of the same nick-names that he calls her, but that she is still vary special. The thing is, it's always something, and it drives me nuts! To top it all off, his ex also manipulates him. Good times, let me tell you. I feel like an outsider in my own home. HELP!
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WOW
How old is she? She sounds like she's under 6 or 7?
How long have you been married? I really feel for you. You're the woman of the house, and your husband should not allow a child to usurp you in that.
It sounds like you all could use some couples therapy from someone experienced (and with a balanced view) with stepfamilies.
Couples therapy
We have considered that, but have both have bad couselors in the past. We have been married for one year, and my stepdaughter is 7. We worry that we could get bad advice, and waste a lot of time and money. I do wish someone could explain to my husband that I am the woman of the house, and what that means.
Youngest SD has Daddy wrapped!!!
YA, in my case she's "cutie" and I'm "sweetie" SO we each have our own special names, for the last 5 years. She's 21...but from time to time I catch a look on her face..I think it gets on her nerves, to this day. She used to be the only one with a special name! I often sense that I stole Daddy away from "Daddy's Little Princess" by certain looks I see on her face...and little looks she'll give her BF when I'm speaking etc. Very subtle as to not let Daddy catch on! And I always catch them out of the corner of my eye..as I turn to face her directly..they stop. I think it just may be her personality...she talks about all of her so-called-friends behind their backs ALOT and will use the same looks etc. with her BF when there in the room. I catch all this....Dad does not! She has many of her mothers traits...Dad can't see it..many other of his family members do..so I don't feel like I'm alone in this! AS far as balancing relationships .... He's getting better at figuring out who he has to come home and crawl into bed with at the end of the day!!
I think his children learned how to be self absorbed and how to treat him by following the mothers example, be demanding, cater to me, I get want I want, say jump he'll say how high, to keep peice...it's hard to change these well ingrained dynamics..they were established long before the 2nd wives came along.
Looking forward to hearing more about your story...
Yes he's wrapped alright!
Thank you (everyone)for the comments-I love this outlet...finally some people who know what I'm talking about!
Lovin-life, you really nailed it. I think it really helps to try to understand why he thinks/acts the way he does, (my husband)and what you said, I think perfectly explains it. Your cutie sounds just like my "sweetheart" who is 7 years old by the way, and can be very snotty to people. Don't get me wrong, I do love her, and we usually get along very well, it's just that issue that comes up unfortunatly. My situation is also tough because all of my family is out of state, and none of my friends get it,so I have no one to say, yes-I see it too. Thanks again.
Hi Sweetheart
It is beyond me that your husband apologized to her for calling you a sweet name. Get real. Your husband must really be wrapped tightly around SD's finger. It's surprising that his spine doesn't snap. These men we love just don't get it.
I can just imagine how your children are getting fed up. I hope something changes for the better soon.
Your husband needs to
Your husband needs to realize that it's unfair treatment for your whole family to have him cater to only his daughter. He needs to stop that ultimately! I would be irritated and smack him on the head for that. Sorry, but that is just childish. As far as making decision on where to eat, he can have each of you take turns in deciding where to go. As far as nicknames, he should call the kids w/their first names and call you sweetheart. If daughter does not like him to call you that then tell him to pick another name for you like "honey". You need to step in regarding ex manipulating your husband. You need to discuss w/husband the boundaries. Ex should only discuss regarding daughter only to him and nothing else. None of this emotional & financial support crap she might bring up.
The Ex Wife & Boundaries
Seems to be a common issue doesn't it? My husband had me compose a letter for him to send to his ex, outlying boundaries such as that. She would call us at all hours of the night, for example, just to bitch about something really stupid that could wait until morning. So he said, let's have her call, between 9:00 a.m, and 9:00 p.m.only, unless it's an emergency with one of the kids. Also, if she should call while we are having quality family time together, the call will go into voicemail, she should leave a message stating her business, and we will get back to her. HIS idea, and guess what-HE doesn't even abide by it. Sometimes I feel like I am the other woman. He is more afraid of her, so he does what SHE says! He says she is crazy and emotional, I ask him, is that what you want me to be like? Is that the only way I can get you to listen to me?
I've laid rules w/my husband
I've laid rules w/my husband re: what he can discuss w/ex and so far he is abiding. He knows how mad I'll get if he doesn't and is afraid to break my rules. He knows if he breaks it I give him hell for the rest of the week. He can't stand that to happen. At one time I felt the same way you did about how I think he is more afraid of her than w/me and I straightened him out by telling him that I'm your wife and you need to listen to me if not, I'll pack & leave your ass. (sorry for the venting) but I actually gave him an ultimatum. Remind him when he does not abide by the rules.
Some of the rules I have set are:
1) He may not discuss w/her, her asking for advice on anything besides what pertains to their son. No emotional, additional financial (other than child support) problems she might bring up in her emails or verbal.
2) I have set his email from her forwarded to me automatically when she sends him an email, so I know what's going on as far as schedule w/son's visitation or other stuff she might be saying.
3) Any other verbal discussions, decisions to be made must come through me first and get approval from me.
How long have you been married?
How long have you had these rules, and how long have you been married? My husband feels very strongly that decisions regarding his two are none of my business. Those decisions are to be made between him and his ex. I have talked to his parents re this issue too, they seem to agree, and say, that things will evolve in time. We have been married for one year, my stepkids are with us 50% of the time.
They have a rule in place that they agreed on in thier divorce decree, that they call the kids every day. Do you do that? My ex and I have a different agreement, that we have on duty, off duty. Whoever is off duty, respects the time of the on-duty parent and does not disrupt that time unless it's an emergency. I find it disruptive to get phone calls from her every single day. My husband talks to her every day, several times a day. He tells me that he makes a point to have conversations with her when he is at work, so I don't have to be bothered by it. That bothers me more that thier conversations are made so private!
I think that is excessive
Why does your husband have to talk to the ex so much? I would be upset my that to and it would have to stop. It is bad enough that the biomom is calling everyday and disrupting the routine at your house. Wow! I can't believe they had that put in the divorce decree. I guess you are stuck with it! We just say that the other parent can call stepson when they want as long as the time is reasonable but it is never everyday. That would get old really fast.
Dawn
Rules
Does anyone know of a good list of rules to follow for a successful step family? My husband and I have a good "rules of marriage" list, but I wonder if there is one out there special for the step family.
Good Question!
That's a great question Sweatheart! Why don't you pose that same question in the General Discussion forum? Maybe Dawn could set something up so that everyone could contribute to the list!
-S
Thanks
I'll try to figure out to do that:)
Pet-name issue
Hi, sweatheart! I just found this site too, and I love it! We have an interesting name issue -- my husband calls me "kit" (short for kitten, long story) and he calls his daughter "kid." Pretty sweet deal for him -- they are basically identical! Ha!
Your description of your H letting your SD run the house sounds so familiar - when my SD is staying with us, what she says goes! VERY frustrating! Then when I tell my husband how I feel, he accuses ME of always wanting to get my way!!
10 months later...same old sh...t
I havn't been on in a very long time...read about what was happening with us 10 months ago, and things have improved a little bit, but now my husband & his two children have become resentful towards me because i have tried to bring up/resolve these issues (with step daughter and ex wife manipulating my husband.) The improvement is, that my husband now has implemented some boundaries on the phone calls from the ex wife, but now the ex wife has become infuriated by this, and has been poisoning the children even more against my husband and I. I don't know what to do anymore. I dammed if I do, and dammed if i don't do or say anything! My husband doesn't seem to get it. He is really hurting his relationship with me, and with his children by not having a united front with me. Our family is now split because of this issue. The stepkids come over, go right to thier rooms & don't say a word to me...I try to talk to them-they say they don't want to talk to me. Stepson treats me like I am a parasite. The listen to thier mom badmouth my husband and I, and are so delusional by the time they get to our house, it takes days to get them back to normal.
dear dear
im sorry you have had to put up with all of that doesnt sound very nice im having great difficulty in setting boundaries my BF doesnt seem to think they need them why dont u Pm me and we will talk more
NO F*ING WAY
no way you should feel like an outsider in your own home, it is ridiculous to me that your H would treat and your kids like that.
he left his ex for a reason why does he let her run his life now.
I think counseling maybe needed if that is an option if not then maybe it is time for some ultimatiums.
you should not have to tip toe around a 7 yr old nor an EX!
"ring ring this is your wake up call!" H!
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
I gave him the ultimatum...
He said-if you are so unhappy, then leave. He says that he is willing to work with me on these issues, but in actuality, he doesnt do a thing to change any of these patterns. I am not happy-this is NOT what I signed up for. My first husband was a cheater. I honestly don't know which is worse-being married to a cheater who is never around, or my current situation. My first husband didn't love me, but at least he was never around & my children didn't have to put up with all of this bullshit. My husband is one of those fake bullshitter types-he would make a great used car salesman. Everything is always rosey-he doesn't want to make any waves. My husband's family has smokers...I grew up smoke free & can't relate. I have really bad athsma & so does my stepdaughter & my bio daughter. I told my H, if there are people smoking at this family event, we have to leave. We can make up an excuse, but we can't have us all getting sick like last time...he agreed verbally, but I KNOW he would never do it. I told him we are taking two cars so that I can leave. Yeah, that's how much faith I have in his word-it means nothing anymore. Turns out his cousin (who has a new baby in thier house where the event took place) told everyone-NO SMOKING & made a point to make it LOUD and CLEAR & even swore about it. I told my H, (privately) "Why can't you be more like that & stand up for your family?" Now he is not speaking to me for saying that. I never realized what a coward he is. It took me until now (3 yrs. of marriage + 1 yr. dating) to figure that out.
I am turning into someone very ugly. I never fought with any man like I do with him. I used to sit back and let the man be in charge. I think he wants me to be this way...like his ex. I feel like he's pushing me into this role of the "man" in the relatioship. Like he wants me to take charge-because he sure won't. The only thing he responds to is yelling & fighting. I don't know what to do anymore. I hate this. H's friend's mom died last week, basically from not taking care of herself after her husband's death. She was only 65 years old. I told my husband I don't want to end up like her. I want to be healthy-physically & mentally. I told him I will NOT drink with him all the time anymore & I will not sit and breath his mom's second hand smoke and end up sick for weeks. I won't allow him to take me on a snowmobile going 100 mph without a helmet & I won't be in the car with him when he is drinking. He thinks this is all normal & I should just shut my mouth and stop complaining.