What's with the constant switching of schedule!
I can't stand the biomom! She always wants to switch weekends and/or days that we have him. I don't understand why she does this all the time, does she do this to irritate us or break the cycle of letting us see my stepson? The schedule is so not steady. We only see him 8 times a month and yet she has to screw up the flow. I believe in seeing our stepson as scheduled and not break up the weekend because she wants to switch all the time. I already feel that we don't see him enough and then on top of that break the schedule flow. Has anyone been in this situation? It's been 6 yrs now and it is still going on. She is always thinking of just her damn self and it's pissing me off. I told my husband to say no to any schedule switching requests from now on. This is so irritating. Please shed some light into this, thanks.
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It's all about what biomom wants
Biomom is really selfish. Our biomom does this to us all the time too. She'll go out of town for the weekend on a whim and want my BF to take their son. Or she'll be getting drunk by a pool with her friends and she has the baby with her, so she'll call and have dad come pick him up (true story). It messes up our plans a lot, but my BF doesn't complain because he'd rather his son be with him than with his mom, who isn't always responsible. I get really frustrated when I'm just looking forward to lounging around with my BF on a lazy Saturday and instead I'm changing diapers and playing with trains. Having a set schedule would really be so much easier, but I can't say anything about it to my BF because he wants to spend as much time with his son as possible, and I can't fault the guy for wanting to be a good dad. But I agree with you, it's really irritating to feel like your life and your plans are held hostage to her schedule.
Yes you're right its like we
Yes you're right its like we are held hostage to her schedule... I just feel like telling her to shove her demands up her you know what. I'll see what her reaction is when we tell her no changing schedules cause we have plans. She is too much and when I asked her about mother's day she said she didn't plan on switching with us (it's our weekend) and then she turns around and asks my husband if she can switch Sundays. UGHHH!
Control Freaks
Most exwives are control freaks - Life is all according to what the exwife wants - it's a way of still controlling the exhusband. She's unhappy with her life and wants you too to be unhappy. Set a schedule and stick to it now before it gets anymore out of control or your life (yours and your boyfriends) will not be your own and you will become resentful (which is just what the biomom is looking for). Good luck.
"Control Freak..your right!"
Biomom wants to control schedule but no more, we won't stand for it no more, the next time she requests that we will tell her we've got plans. She wanted this Sunday and wanted to pick SS on Saturday??? What the hell? We called her and said NO, you pick him up on Sunday yourself and NOT Saturday, we are switching Sundays so why are you picking him up on Saturday???? SHE IS FULL OF SHIT! My husband said she sounded irritated when he told her to pick him up on Sunday, Good for her, she's the one who is feeling more the irritation than us. We are not worrying about that cause ultimately we are laughing at her because she doesn't have a life and she tries to make our life miserable but we are not miserable, we are very much happy! She is just a thorn in a dead, fungus plant!
Some ex-husbands too.
I am a custodial biomom/ex-wife as well as a step mom. Most long weekends he cancels (to party with friends)and is most often late for Wed evening visits. This kind of behaviour has more to do with the nature of the person you are dealing with..whether they are "givers" or "takers". He has always come & gone as he pleased whether it be going out with the boys, playing hockey, ball, etc...while I gave up my activities to stay at home. After 5 years of this. I no longer wait for him to show up...we will take the kids to pratice..or supper..or where ever it is we need to be..on time. He gets a phone call to arrange a new pick up location and reschedule a time. If it's an inconvienience to him...Oh Well!! The cancelled weekends are different..It's infuriating cause he knows the kids come first with me...and he uses that to play me.I do what I think is best for the kids and I don't want to keep them from thier father...so I'm still a sucker..when he cancels..I still rearrange my plans so the kids can see him on my weekend, if THEY want.
And then they make you the bad guy....
My almost-stepkids' biomom is always informing us that her daughter won't be here for a weekend because of [fill in the blank- dance, basketball, sleepover, etc]. And on the flip side, any time she wants a 'girls night out' or to go out with her boyfriend, or just to get some rest, the kids are dumped here. When do I get a girl's night out or some rest?? Just some rest from her son would be nice!! But how do you say anything? I mean, if we complain about the daughter not coming over, well, we're stopping her from her extracurricular activities. If we complain about the other part, well, gee, kids, Dad and Steph must not want to see you guys. It's a lose-lose situation....
3to5
I definitely feel your pain on the activities issue! It drives me up a wall because we have the girls every other weekend and one day during the week…I don’t get why when biomom is planning to do sign ups she doesn’t choose an activity day and time that does not conflict with the visitation schedule. My thing is “you schedule your time and we will schedule our own”. If we decide to put them in an activity, I try to find a class that meets on our visitation day during the time that we have the kids. There is NO WAY that we could sign the kids up for a class and say “by the way I’m going to need you to take her here on this day and time” so why is it acceptable for the custodial parent to do so? That is definitely a form of CONTROL!
It's not that easy
It is really hard to schedule activities that only occur on your days. If we did that, then stepson would have to drop out of soccer and band. There is just no way around some of the events being on days when stepson is at his mom's house. All we can do is give her the info and hope that she will make sure that stepson gets there. Of course, we have to go into it thinking that there may be things that he will miss because of biomom. We only complain if she cancels too many things(because we always pay the fees) or doesn't inform us that he won't be at his activity(we wouldn't have to go if stepson won't be there). Don't get me wrong. It is still a pain but if the kids want to do certain activities then we all have to work together out of need, not choice.
Dawn
Dawn
I completely understand…I think my issue is that the kids are so young 5 & 6…so when they were smaller (say age 3) signing them up for a ballet class is a much more flexible thing then say school band (which has a definite time schedule)…
Nise, your're right
It was much easier when stepson was younger. Yet, we still had to drop him out of stuff because biomom would never take him. When he was three we had him I think 3 out of 4 weekends. We signed him up for a tumbling class because he needed to meet some kids his own age to socialize. Well, biomom would never, ever take him on her one weekend and it was too expensive to have him miss a class every month. We had better luck with swimming lessons as you can pick the day for the lesson. I think biomom only had to take him once.
In our case though, stepson wouldn't get to do anything if we didn't sign him up for stuff. I know that we didn't sign stepson up for some things because they would fall on too much of biomom's time but biomom has never signed stepson up for anything.
Dawn
Visitations...
I gave up on trying to fight w/husband about ex-wife changing/switching of visitation schedules. I realized that I'm just wasting my energy on negative stuff when I try to reason w/my husband about the witch changing/switching schedule. I no longer will say anything this point on about that. If we don't see stepson then so be it. I could care less at this point, I've been dealing w/this nonsense for 6 yrs. I have better things to focus on than bad energy.
schedule, schedule, schedule
I just posted my bio about the schedule issue too. By the way, thanks for the feedback everyone.
His ex uses the schedule to her advantage anytime. She makes crappy comments to my ex when he wants three days in a row with his kids. She says "so you can go three days without being with the kids?" But then, when she's had a busy week and wants to spend the end of weekend cleaning (ms. clean freak), she asks him if he can keep the kids for another day. Luckily, he wasn't able to the entire day because we had plans but he did keep them until early afternoon.
Her kids are important to her when she's going to be recognized (i.e. mother's day, their b-day parties, holiday's w/new husband's family). Can you believe that she doesn't even attend her son's bball games on a regular basis. She made a comment one time to my BF that it was too cold outside to watch the game. But her son was there playing along with his younger sister who attended the game with dad. She didn't make it that day. No offense to ex-wives...but his ex is all about what makes her happy and how she looks to other people-the perfect mother.
As an ex-wife
As an ex-wife / stepparent ..no-offense taken. Your Bf's ex sounds alot like my Ex. Do you know how many soccer games "the ex" made it too year before last.. 4. My son plays twice a week all summer for years. He showed up for 4. Then he got a GF, who is very much into sports...guess who suddenly becomes super sport,I support my kids soccer, who me miss a game, man!!! (My son is just happy that he started showing up..so it works for me) I can always tell when he has an audience on the phone..he acts different..definately puts on a show! AND, in my case as well it's all about what what makes the ex happy and or looking good at that point in time. He wants a visitation clause that says..he has the option of an extra week night visit with the kids on 48 hrs notice to me.. SO I can be on constant stand by!!! Never make a plan for the week!! The really sad part is...he has free access to his kids..whenever he wants...I've never refused..I think it's important, and although he cancels at least 1 wed evening visit per month. He has never, never, never asked to make up the lost time. But he wants a second night option @ 48 hrs notice in writing WHY?? The only thing I can come up with is.... CONTROL FREAK to keep me jumping at his beck & call and/or to look like the ever doting Dad ON PAPER, only! Cause it certainly isn't the case in practice!!
While I think of it..You know I hear alot of ex-wife bio-mom bashing and I really don't take offense. I consider myself to be somewhat normal
and I also deal with a psycho ex-wife, biomom from HELL & self obsorbed stepkids!!! This women is nuts. I read everyones postings and decriptions of behavior and totally simpathize. This nut has keyed my car, stolen money from her daughters bank account, lied, cheated, manipulated, screamed, cursed me out, she has now moved into her mothers and has manipulated her into changing her will. Watch for her an America's most wanted...I'm sure you'll see her there someday! My BF's lawyer, very high profile, well known, & respected in our area thought we had to be making stuff up about her....then he met her!!!!! She was everything we said and more. The funniest thing I ever heard was one day in his office my BF was going on & on about "X" she did this, she did that, he was getting all worked up... The lawyer just looked at him with a straight face & said "You Married HER!" WE cracked up so hard!! It was just what we needed to let the frustration go..
I have to try and roll with things... people are who they are.. I can only deal with how I react to them...whether that's my ex, his ex, my kids, his kids, him, housework, job, whatever...life is too short! I would go insane!!! Easier said than done sometimes....but I have to keep saying my montra(?) or start drinking heavily!!
Yes I agree with you when
Yes I agree with you when you say "ex uses the schedule to her advantage." To me I think she doesn't have a life, so she hogs stepson all the time. It's been good now since I had a talk to my husband about me having a say in the schedule situation. Since I now see all the emails she sends my husband and he knows it, he consults with me first as to what our decision will be. He knows that I get upset when I see her emails about switching days. This problem w/schedule switching, she'll always make it difficult for us so until the child is an adult. Hopefully she'll find a man soon and lay off the hogging issue.
Can write the book.....
I'm definitely feeling you on this issue....we also are supposed to have 2 days a week, about 8 days a month. That's never happened in over a year....the most has been about 5 days and that was for ONE good month! BM doesn't try to switch days though, she just doesn't let him visit. If you have the court ordered custody schedule then talk about instituting it or other options. That's really all I can tell you, because I know all too well how frustrating it can be. Much luck to you!