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How does being nice to the bio-mom make me a bitch?

Last-Wife's picture

I'm confused? In a recent blog post I made, I mentioned how I ALWAYS acknowledge the skids' bio-mom on their birthdays. for 12 years, I have called, sent cards, sent flowers or we've even spent the day together as both families celebrated the skids birthday.

This past Saturday, I sent her a text message, on SS 16th birthday; thanking her for sharing her son with me.

Someone that was typing a reply called me a "bitch." I was offended by that, and deleted it.

I'm just wondering how that makes me a bitch? I was being nice to the woman who gave birth to the skids I have raised. It's not the skids' fault their mother is a looney. She and I might not always agree on everything, but I have always done my best to include her and to do what's right for the skids. Without her- they wouldn't be here.

So I said "thanks." I was wondering how some people see that as bitchy.

Thsi really has me bothered. I've been on ST for over a year and a half and I have never been personally attacked for anything I have posted before. I've always been honest and kind when responding to others. I didn't feel this was a fair assessment of me. (Especially as the person that posted it has only been a member for 7 weeks, and probably doesn't know my story...)

ST has saved my life, my marriage and my relationship with the bio-mom and the skids. I come here to vent, get advice, give advice. Not to be called names...

RB's picture

Being nice to BM just means you're a nice person who cares about the SK's and the family as a whole. Some people can handle it and some people cannot. I wouldn't worry about it too much. It just sounds like you were dealing with someone who had their own issues and they were carrying their issues over into your area.

poisonivy's picture

LW,

I may be reading the wrong posts but it sounds like the reply was saying that life is not always kind...I didn't see the name calling part...I could be wrong if the reply was edited or deleted.

lifeisshort's picture

I read that post. I have to say, while I was reading the part where you quote what you texted to the BioMom, it hit me as a little off too. But that was because I didn't understand the context in which you sent the text. Some people use the phrase, "thanks for sharing" in a more sarcastic tone, which is how I originally read your post. But now, knowing the context in which the text was sent, I see how you were well-meaning. I wonder if maybe that was how some other responders might have read your post... could that be possible?

Unfreakingreal's picture

That was probably a trolling BM. However, I wouldn't send the BM a text saying "thanks for sharing your kid with me." Because chances are if she had a choice you wouldn't be a part of her kids life to begin with. Stick to being good to the Skids, you can be civil to the BM but you don't need to send her texts. I think there are just relationships that don't need to be nurtured, BM's are one of them. IMHO....

PoisonApples's picture

I didn't see anyone call you a bitch either.

I did say that it sounded like you were rubbing it in her face though. It wasn't so much the text you sent but what you said after - about how you were 'amused' by her irritation and how you really wanted to rub it in to her that her son preferred to spend his birthday with you rather than with her. If you'd just left it at the text you sent maybe my impression wouldn't have been coloured by your next paragraph which definitely showed a different intent than you just wanting to be nice to her.

Of course it's all deleted now so we can't go back and see what was actually said.

I agree with everyone else though, even if you hadn't told us straight out that you were gloating that he preferred to be with you - which you DID admit to feeling - I still think it was not a good idea to send her the text.

blondie66's picture

I'm with tommar. I have a BM from hell who probably deserves much worse than that, however, as a BM myself (my X is out of the picture, pretty much), I would take that text as "in your face na-na-na-na". Maybe you didn't mean it that way, maybe you did, just a little.
Granted, I have no idea what your relationship with that woman is, but still I find it unnecessary to congratulate HER for the kid's birthday. Suffice to say congrats to the kid him/herself and maybe your DH.
I think calling you a bitch by someone was way too much, but I suspect your intentions were not all that pure either.
My 2 cents. Forgive me if I'm mistaken.

anabihibik's picture

I can see how you meant it in a good way, but I can see how the BM would take it negatively. I do not think that makes you the b word. A lot of bio mom's would not appreciate that text, no matter how well meaning it is. There are different ways of approaching the situation, but I don't know any bio moms who would say they have any sort of relationship with a step mom, and would write the same response tommar wrote.

Jsmom's picture

I didn't see the bitch remark. No one should call anyone names.

I just felt that the BM may see the Text message that you sent as gloating that her son was with you that day. I think you need to see it from her side. I would be absolutely devastated if my son didn't want to be with me on his Birthday.

I just feel that the less communication with BM's the better. Also text messages can't see emotion and that leads to animosity.

After being on here the last year, it seems like the Step's that have little to no communication with BM's are the happiest. There doesn't seem to be that many that are able to have a friendly relationship with them. I know I tried to at least be friendly and she takes advantage of us when we do. If I limit my exposure I am better off. Today, I would like to rip her a new one. But, of course I can't.

Read the responses you like and ignore the rest. Easy.

Synaesthete's picture

I saw the post you're referring to, Last Wife, and I think the reason people responded that way was a) because they don't know the history (like the fact that you always message her on birthdays or like the fact that you typically are nice to her) and b) you can't read tone of voice in text, most of the time.

What you intended to write was that you messaged her to acknowledge the birthday and say thanks for letting SS be there with y'all, and she responded with "Whatever" which was (understandably) a roll-eyes moment for you. What I think came across though, just because of how it was worded and with an incomplete picture of the history and situation, was that it was sent with a snarky, rub-it-in-her-face "Haha, we have him on his birthday" sort of tone. I don't think that's what you were saying, but I can see how, if read wrong, it could be interpreted that way.

That being said, it's for reasons like the fact that typed words can often be misunderstood that we should all ask questions before jumping to conclusions, especially accusatory and hurtful ones.

I think it just got lost in translation. Smile I wouldn't sweat it.

mom2five's picture

I remember that post now! And I remember you flat out saying you were amused that you had upset the BM. Let's be honest. You sent that text as a little dig at the BM. It's ok to admit that. I think we've all probably done stuff like that.

I didn't see the "bitch" comment. And of course, name calling is completely out-of-line no matter what. But you didn't send that text to be nice. You sent it because you knew it would upset her. I'm not judging you....heaven knows, I've done the same thing on many occasions.

PrincessFiona's picture

I have to agree with everyone else. Texts are unable to convey any emotion and can easily be taken out of context. And BM's mood when she got it can very well have changed how well received it was.

I'm sure your intentions were good. And even with good intentions your satisfaction with her irritation is nothing to feel bad about. You have to take what satisfaction you can from these step situations.

Without knowing you, BM or the relationship you both have I dont' think any of us can judge whether it was an appropriate text or not.

I don't have any communication with my kids SM but I am trying to turn this around and decide how I would feel if she expessed her thanks to me for sharing my kids. I think my gut instinct would be "whatever" but the 'nice' me would take over and try to consider that she was sincerely trying to be considerate. Maybe she just responded too quickly in a bad mood before her 'nice' self could take it back.