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New here, need to vent

onetiredmommy2010's picture

Hey everyone, I am a 25 yr old Bio and Step mom. I have a BD who is 3 1/2 and a BS who is 17 months. I have been married to my DH for a year but been together for 3 years. I have a 5 year old SS with whom I have probs with every time we get him. I also have probs with my in laws and my Dh's ex wife.

My SS has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and just recently is believed to be autistic. This boy has alot of problems and I just do not like him at all. He is not a good kid. He never listens, is mean to my kids, and to top things off his BM the ex wife is obessessed with my husband and his family so much so that she calls my in laws almost every day, is friends with them on facebook, and just won't cut ties with his family. My in laws show complete favortism towards my SS compared to my BS I have with my husband.

I am just at my wit's end. I love my husband but I cannot stand the drama with his son and his ex and his family. Just wondering if I could get advice or encouragment out there because it seems like it's getting worse and worse.

fedupnow's picture

I think you need to understand more about his disorder and how to deal with someone who has it. Its not your SS's fault and as challenging as it is, perhaps he needs to be understood rather than be looked down upon. Maybe he needs to be put on meds or therapy. Be strong and seek help.

onetiredmommy2010's picture

I understand a lot about his disorders as I have had classes on them. They think he's autistic, he hasn't been diagnosed yet. As for the ADHD and the ODD his BM continually forgets to refill his meds so he's off and on them all the time so they aren't working because she isn't allowing him to be on them long enough for them to actually work.

I do look down on him when he sexually assaults my 3 yo BD in the bathtub. He is 5, he KNOWS BETTER. He tried to stick something up her butt when i had left for a minute. I do look down on him when he continually pushes/hits/purposelly aggravates my two children. I care more about my children then I do him and that's just how it is. I've tried really hard to bond with him, and he won't allow it. I do alot for this kid. my DH had no relationship with him at all before I showed up.

Anon2009's picture

I think he was sexually abused, and he needs professional help. At 5, he's still young and I am not certain if he knows better, especially if he's not getting his medication properly.

DH needs to document BM's lack of action regarding SS's medicine and take her to court. In fact, I think you need to document a lot about BM and her actions and life regarding SS because if he was sexually abused, an investigation needs to be started to a) bring the person(s) responsible to justice and b) get SS out of a bad situation. Print off copies of all emails and texts to and from BM. Ask your attorney if you can record phone calls with her and bring a small recorder to pickups/dropoffs. Perhaps you could install those small surveillance cameras in your home to record SS's destructive behavior and ask the attorney if this video evidence is admissible in court. Document everything, keep your attorney updated on your documentation, and ask them to tell you when you have enough documentation so that CPS will not only receive your documentation, but do a thorough investigation on BM.

To me, this kid is screaming for help.

onetiredmommy2010's picture

That's the point I am at right now. My BD loves my DH like her own dad. He's been in her life since she was a yr old. And of course theres our BS together. I have just been going back and forth on wheter to stay or leave b/c i would b breakin our fam up just because of my DH's mistakes

CaliStepMomma's picture

If he is 5 and possibly autistic, he doesn't necessarily know better. And, even if he does, it doesn't necessarily mean he can control it. Not on his own anyway, not without being taught, and reinforced, and taught again, and reinforced again and again and again. Doing things he KNOWS BETTER than to do is never going to stop (it doesn't stop for anyone - even grown ups who have ever been hung over know this), but it is possible to get the severity of those things down to a point where it's not what a "normal" kid would do, but it won't land him in jail - like grabbing a teacher's boob (I used to work with kids with autism, ODD, etc. and this happened to me once) versus more seriously sexually assaulting someone like what he's tried with your BD.

Dealing with kids with developmental disabilities is one of the hardest things. In a study undertaken to help understand the motives of filicide (killing one's own child) in cases with children with developmental disabilities, researchers found that parents who had lost a child to terminal illness or other sicknesses or accidents generally experienced less stress than those with children with severe developmental disabilities. This wasn't measured by grief or sadness, but by stress on the parents.

The instinct a mother has for her own child isn't always even enough for her to keep trying, so when dealing with a skid, it has to be even harder. I've only dealt with other people's kids as a professional, and at the end of the day, I don't have to have those kids in my house, or with my family, I send them home to theirs. I can only imagine what it's like to have a skid with problems like that and it seems unbearable to me.

If you are going to stick around, you and DH need to get on board together with a solid treatment plan for SS. It is gonna suck. But, he's only 5 and he obviously has a loving family, so his chances for success are high. Oh, and if you can get the in-laws and BM on board with your plan (ha!), great, if not (reality!), then cut 'em out as much as possible.

In the treatment program where I worked, we wouldn't take kids unless all their caretakers were on board - that meant both mom and dad, stepmom, stepdad, grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, babysitter, anyone that watched the kid regularly. We had a few kids with kinda absentee moms or dads, but even they had to do at least a bit of work - i.e. learning the correct way to deal with tantrums and how to give positive reinforcement and correct negative behavior. So, what I'm saying is that it can be done. Again, it sucks, it's beyond hard, but it's not impossible.

And, finally, I give you major props for even trying!

cyberwoman's picture

Yep, my SS was diagnosed with ADD and other imaginary disorders too at age 6. I firmly believe he is just lazy and irresponsible and has no real consequences for his actions. BM was too preoccupied with her boyfriends and DH was too busy with his guilt trips to "parent" the ADD out of him. Now SS is 22 and can't get a room mate cause he "forgets" to flush the toilet.