You are here

Tossed under the bus

Photoshooter2's picture

In 5 weeks my life has been destroyed by a stepdaughter and a guilt driven mother. Thank God I found this site. I've been in a living hell for 5 1/2 weeks. Any help or words of wisdom would be great. I love Annette unconditionally and we were incredible together for 3 1/2 years prior to 5 1/2 weeks ago.

Here are the facts:

Annette: 54, married once for 8 years, to an physically abusive spouse. Had three children with this man. Remarried a couple of years later to an older man whose kids were out of the house with the exception of his youngest son. This man passed away approximately 6 years ago. Annette had her grown adult son, 25 living at home after her husband passed for the first 3 years. Owns a roofing company and is a roofing contractor

Mike: 58, married once, for 19 years. Relatively amicable divorce. No children, no personal experience with children. Annette and Mike have been together for 3 ½ years and consider ourselves married. Best friends and soulmates and we realize that we have found in each other our imperfectly perfect mates. Able to talk about anything openly and honestly, with love, for hours on end. Mike moved into Annette’s home 3 years ago and her son, moved out, under good terms, a few months later. The house is the same house her children grew up in. Worked for Annette as a project manager when she needed help after a few hurricanes. Diagnosed with type 2 Diabetes and peripheral neuropathy in April, 2017.

Ashley: 31 married to Evan 35 and as of 14 months ago, living in Annette’s house with her husband of 8 years. Annette and Mike had talked it over and decided that they would be welcomed into the house for 6-12 months while they found another place to live, after Ashley quit her job as an apartment manager. Ashley is rather moody and unbeknownst to Mike, harbored resentment towards her father, step father, any man in general and especially any man Annette chose to date. Decided to work in the family business and to seek to get her roofing contractor license eventually. Plans on taking over the business in the future.

Sean: 29 Lives with his girlfriend several miles away, works sporadically for Annette.

Katie: 25 “Mom, you KNOW how irresponsible I am, so why do you expect anything different”. Has been pregnant 5 times in 5 years, with 2 miscarriges, the last being in March of 2017. Has produced 3 children.

Lawrence: 38 Baby father of Katie’s 3 children and responsible for the other pregnancies. Current occupation, dealing drugs or credit card wire fraud. Has a co-dependent relationship with Katie. They fight constantly and then make up. They live together and then apart in cycles over the last 5 years.

Kaiden: 5 1/2 Bi racial child of Lawrence and Katie, grandchild of Annette. Eager learner, well behaved for a 5 year old, suffers from stuttering. Had severe anger management issues a year ago do to being emotionally and probably physically abuse by his parents.

Laila: 4 1/2 Bi racial child of Lawrence and Katie, grandchild of Annette. Suffers most likely from fetal alcohol syndrome as well as possible autism (still going through diagnosis) Has severe developmental issues and lacks good communication skills. Well behaved during the day, but typically gets up 1-6 times throughout the night and comes into parents room. Seems to have no recollection of her nighttime actions the next day.

Annabelle: 1 ½ Bi racial child of Lawrence and Katie, grandchild of Annette. Apparently a healthy, well developed child to this point.

In late February of 2017, Annette was willfully given Laila and Kaiden for an unspecified amount of time. This had happened the previous year for a period of 2 ½ months. During that time, very little contact from the parents. This time, Annabelle was an infant, and the family was facing eviction from their apartment. Mike and Annette witnessed filthy living conditions, poor nutrition, loud and abusive shouting between the parents as well as directed at Laila and Kaiden. Annette and Mike decided that the kids deserved a happy, loving, safe and healthy place to live and the parents seemed eager to give them to us. In late April, Annette petitioned the court for legal custody and the court granted the petition. The parents did not show, but had given a notarized letter to Annette approving her having custody in March. They were not present at the court hearing. Neither parent fully involved with the children, few telephone calls and fewer visits. Oftentimes parents make the commitment to take the kids and then fail to show. It is at the point where the kids are not told ahead of time that the parents may be taking them, so as not to disappoint or confuse the children.

Ashley event: In June of 2017, Ashley had been consorting with Lawrence’s brother, Mel (married) behind Evan’s back and had snuck him into the house at 1 am while Evan was working. Mel and Ashley were confronted by Annette in the bedroom. Evan is unaware of what happened and Annette demanded Ashley seek counseling or she would tell Ashley’s husband of the event. Ashley is involved with counseling.

Ashley / Mike relationship: Mike believed that he and Ashley were problem free and had a healthy relationship. He was under the impression that there were no issues. Ashley on two separate occasions, went into Mike’s facebook postings and selected any and all postings to female friends of his (many of whom were friends for 6-40 years), none of which were suggestive in any way. She presented this “evidence” of Mike’s “disrespect” to Annette and Annette found that there was nothing at all to be upset over. Mike was shocked and angered by her actions, but let it go quickly, with no long term resentment. No outward indications of continued issues with Ashley. 2016 timeframe

Sean / Mike relationship: Friendly with no indication of any underlying issues.

Katie / Mike relationship: Frosty. Mike resented what Katie’s daily drama’s was doing to Annette, and what her continued total irresponsibility had done to Kaiden and Laila. He had a difficult time in engaging her in pleasantries when she visited, and her visits were often loud and disruptive in the home. Oftentimes the children were not well behaved under her care in the home.

Event: Early in the morning of Dec 17? (2am) Laila, slammed the door open, waking the small dogs in Mike and Annette’s bedroom and proceeded to scream and cry. Annette, the usual person to deal with Laila, was so exhausted that after almost a minute of dogs barking and her screaming and crying, did not awaken. Mike then got up in order to allow Annette to sleep and escorted Laila, who was still crying and screaming, back to her bunk bed where Kaiden was sleeping above. Laila, continued to scream and cry and Mike, in a split second, pushed her down and told her to keep quiet and not wake her brother. The push, was with less force than when the two kids and Mike wrestled and played together but it was witnessed on a camera that usually alerted Ashley or Annette of Laila’s getting up. Mike went back to bed and then heard her screaming again. As he went back towards the kids rooms, he met Ashley in the hall who said that she would take care of her.

The next day, Ashley showed the video to Annette, who got very upset with Mike. Mike felt badly about getting awoken in pain and allowing himself to get frustrated to the point of shoving Laila down. Annette and Mike spoke for several hours and worked out how to deal with things like this in the future. Mike had never touched the kids in any rough way prior nor did Annette ever feel he would again. That morning, Laila and Kaiden came into Mike and Annette’s bedroom as usual, and Laila, said good morning in her usual happy way to Mike and showed no memory of the nights events. There were no bruises or physical indications of injury. Kaiden had no recollection of the event as he never woke up.

Ashley and Evan were not seen by Mike until later that evening and after Mike and Annette discussed what to do in the future and resolved the issue, it was suggested that Mike speak with Ashley, who was visibly upset. When Mike attempted to apologize for his behavior, he was verbally assaulted by both Ashley and Evan and not given a chance to apologize. When he got up to exit the room, he was violently shoved down by Evan. He then picked himself up, left the room, and Annette asked him to leave the house for the night. He did.

The next evening, Ashley berated her mother loudly, for her choice of men in her life, and a number of other things that Mike heard through a door in another room. It was loud enough to be heard through a couple of doors. She said that Mike was a loser and that he’s a lousy parent and would never be a good parent. She said that Annette made bad choices in her marriages and a number of other things. Annette was overwhelmed and did not put up much resistance to Ashley’s verbal assault.

Annette suggested that Mike go to California for Christmas in order to allow Ashley to “heal” and let things cool off. Three days later he flew to California where he awaited word when Annette felt it was a good time to come back. For three weeks he was in CA, facing the prospects of losing his job, his family, and his wife over that incident. He had written a letter to Ashley demanding that the anger cease prior to leaving, and reminding her that she was not as pure as she acted. The letter also included an apology. It was not well received. After 3 weeks, Mike made the decision to come back to Florida, but had no home and no job to come back to. Annette said that she still loved him dearly, but there needed to be peace in the house. Annette knew and admitted that she and Mike were good, the kids and Mike were good and that our family unit was good, but there would be disharmony in the house if I were allowed back in or even seen in the house by the kids or by Ashley and Evan. Annette made the decision to let Ashley “heal” with no deadline or timeframe. She has hopes that she will. Ashley, made it clear in a letter to Mike that she has no intentions to heal any time soon, and apparently is under no pressure to do so. She is happy with the fact that Mike is gone and it would be counter to her interests to accept an apology.

Ashley and Katie have both manipulated Annette for years with guilt and in this case, used her “hurt” to manipulate Annette into having to make a choice between her daughter and her husband. She choose her daughter at the expense of Annette’s happiness, and probable destruction of her relationship, and at the expense of the kids losing a father figure and at the expense of Mike. Because of guilt over the younger children, she has made them the top priority over all else in her life, and then Ashley above herself and Mike.

A counselor that is Christian based has been involved in this (the counselor that Kaiden, Annette and Ashley had all been seeing for 6 months). He refused to speak with Mike and made the statement that the marriage was not under the eyes of God and as such, he was not really Annette’s husband. (Annette and Mike had not gotten married because if she did prior to the age of 60, she would lose her deceased husbands social security survivor benefits and the piece of paper between them was not important enough to warrant that loss). The counselor also said that it was almost impossible for a man with zero parenting skills, at the age of 58, would ever be a good parent. All of this was said without allowing Mike to even speak with him privately or with Annette. It was his counsel then, to send Mike out of the house “until” Ashley “healed” and said that it was unlikely that Annette’s relationship would survive, but it was more important for the kids to have peace and harmony in the house. Annette is hurting terribly, and is under so much pressure that she is willing to lose Mike because she has little to no time for him in the course of a day or a week. She feels deep sadness and remorse for firing him, refusing to let him see the kids, making him move out (she hired movers rather than let Mike move his property out) and for the probable loss of her best friend and soulmate. Mike is devastated and is fighting to try and convince Annette that the issue at this point is not about that event, but instead, Ashley’s longstanding issues towards men and her focus on me for all of her anger. Ashley merely needed to acknowledge and accept Mike’s apology and act as an adult and let the anger go, but instead she refuses to do so, refuses to “heal” and is under no pressure at all to do so. The counselor, when asked by Annette how long this process should be allowed to take, said “Until…” with a completely open timeline. He did not care how it affected Annette, only that Mike be out of the house and that the kids would not face disharmony. Ashley, other than claiming to “hurt because her mother hurts”, has shown zero remorse or “hurt” and acts exactly as she has done prior to the events of 5 weeks ago. She sent a hate filled sanctimonious letter to Mike after he begged her to accept and apology, for the sake of her mother’s wants, needs and desires, and for the sake of the kids.

So this is where we stand. I have been living in a hotel since returning to Florida, and have seen Annette one early afternoon for several hours and we enjoyed ourselves like we always did in the past. I have been to the house on several occasions but never when the children were home. Annette does not want to confuse them with my presence and my moving out. I was there briefly when Ashley was there, greeted her warmly with a good morning, and in tern was greeted with pure hate. Ashley had promised her mom that she had no problem with her seeing me (as long as it was on Ashley’s terms and I was out of the house) and that she would babysit whenever asked to. Ashley rarely babysat when I was there so expecting her to keep her word is a huge stretch, and so far, my predictions are correct. Our relationship has been deeply damaged as I feel that I was completely tossed under the bus and am disposable in order to have “peace” in the house, yet only Annette and I have suffered deeply and Ashley has gotten exactly what she has wanted. I feel that in a marriage, the husband and wife make each other the top priority in order to have a strong foundation on which to build a family. Annette feels that she must sacrifice herself, her wants, needs, desires, marriage and those of mine, for the children. Annette and I had worked out the idea that I would engage with the kids more often and that I would get counseling on being a better parent, but now that I am persona non grata around the house, those plans that we made within hours of the initial event are impossible for me to fulfill. We had very little time to ourselves on a daily basis between work and the kids and with me not there, she has more responsibility and barely crumbs for us. She hopes that we will come out of this stronger, but puts no pressure or demands on Ashley to grow up or move out and take her issues else ware if she can’t act mature and not angry with me in the house.

Annette has said repeatedly that I’ve bent over backwards to do everything possible to be a better parent, and to resolve any and all issues and that I can and should do nothing further at this point other than accept things for what they are, and that we try and find happiness when we can. She just wants “peace” and yet realizes that I am not the problem, just the most expendable, relying on my unconditional love for her to somehow survive almost no time together in hopes of things getting better in the future so that we may resume our marriage. I tried to explain to her that when the pain of change is less than the pain of continuing the same behavior, only then will a person change and that Ashley is not suffering ANY pain so therefore the likelihood of her “healing” is almost nil. Annette has willfully given her future, our relationship and the kids opportunity to have a good father figure in their lives to someone who is an emotional wreck and trusts that things will eventually turn out fine. Obviously, I disagree. I don’t want to lose my wife or my kids and actually, I see that caving to Ashley’s sanctimonious self righteous selfishness doesn’t help her be a better, healthier person in the long term and instead just emboldens her further in her manipulating Annette.

sandye21's picture

Mike, It looks like you were not only tossed under the bus, the bus actually drove over you, backed up, and drove over you again. You are dealing with a very dysfunctional family. That so-called Christian counselor is self-righteous, narrow minded and unrealistic. Annette has made her choice. You are right - you ARE expendable. Take a break from it all, get a job, another place to live, and visit a qualified, unbiased counselor so YOU can heal. In another year you might be thanking your lucky stars you get out of the snake pit.

Photoshooter2's picture

Thanks, I've found a job and have a place to rent that will become available in a week. I'm still in shock over all of this and never saw it coming. I'm either stupid, insane or incredibly optimistic to think that there is still a semblance of hope in the future but I realize that I'm probably just stupid.

sandye21's picture

Photo, you are NOT stupid - just 'well intentioned', and sometimes it is taken for granted. Glad to hear you are moving on with your life. You mentioned dating DW from afar. I have a feeling she was using you as a buffer and earpiece to deal with her family. DW made a choice that makes it her responsibility to handle her family on her own. If she brings up any of the 'family' refuse to discuss it, just change the subject. You may find that there isn't much left to talk about.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

No Photo, you are not stupid. You are pretty darn smart as you looked for help in handling the situation. Your gut instinct was telling you something wasn't right.

You take care and keep us posted. We are always around.

Disneyfan's picture

I tried but I just couldn't read all of that.

Can someone tell me why the children's racial background was included? What did that have to do with anything?

Focused_onourlife's picture

That's where I stopped reading. I would like to know the answer to that as well.

Aunt Agatha's picture

Agreed. It’s a red herring. It also suggests the OP might have more personal issues than the situation he wrote in about.

Photoshooter2's picture

My only issue with race involves the stupidity of people who are obsessed with it and force their belief systems and prejudices onto others. I am a former Naval Officer and in the military we are ALL brothers, regardless of race. There is societal pressures in biracial families that are not present in homogenous families. From the Bio Father and Bio Step daughter we are told that we are raising them "too white" at times, so that is reason for that comment. We are under more pressure than normal adoptive grandparents. My best friend of over 35 years is black and we talk about how a white couple can best raise these kids to span both worlds and NOT get caught up in racist BS, and grow up to respect themselves regardless of skin pigmentation.

sandye21's picture

Ya, that hit me too as unnecessary and I wonder if OP has said similar comments to SO. My children were of a different race and it was amazing what some people - even school teachers - said.

Photoshooter2's picture

I only mentioned bi racial as part of the facts. If you've never been part of a bi racial family, you will never understand the stares that come your way when you and your wife are white and your apparent kids are biracial. There is nothing beyond that. It was said for the reason that there is more underlying pressure by society with bi racial kids and white parents that are trying to find a way to raise the kids in a way that both white and black cultures agree on without judgement. I believe in raising a good kid, regardless of whether the kid is white, black, brown or purple, but try it when you're being told that you're raising them "too white".

sandye21's picture

Sorry, Photo. I DO remember that "too white" comment too, and the pressure by society to be perfect.

Photoshooter2's picture

No problem sandye21, apparently you too have been subjected to that additional pressure. Unless someone has been subjected to it, they have no idea of the struggle to try and do the right thing for a bi-racial kid, so that they understand that their self worth should NEVER be tied to skin pigmentation. They will be pulled apart by two cultures unless you, as a parent, can find the key to raise them in a healthy way.

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

If You used real life names you may want to go back and edit. There is a post that lists all the abbreviations somewhere.
Wife is usually DW Dear wife. Or SO significant other.
Step kids are SS step son, SD step daughter. SD31 gives the age. SIL for sister in law. Etc. it may make it easier to follow. Sometimes it is OSD for older step daughter. Anyway good you used paragraph.

Sorry it all went to crap for you in five weeks. I know what that is like as that is how long it took me to get MSD out of my house in 2012. Long story. But nothing has been the same since. Good luck.

Photoshooter2's picture

I apparently can't edit the original post. I am a complete novice to this forum so I apologize for my verbose post and using names. Thank you for your words.

Kes's picture

Can't possibly read this long, long post, it needs to be summarised. Also, are these the actual names of people concerned? Doesn't seem very wise to post them.

Amcc13's picture

Get out and stay out of this mess dude
Next they will have you up for sexual harassment of these children and then your life will be over
Get a new job and place to live then set very clear boundaries

Photoshooter2's picture

Thank you, I already have a job and a place lined up. I was left with no choice in the matter.

Photoshooter2's picture

Thank you, I already have a job and a place lined up. I was left with no choice in the matter.

Photoshooter2's picture

Thank you, I already have a job and a place lined up. I was left with no choice in the matter.

Acratopotes's picture

Mike, the problem is not you, nor is it the adult children.... the problem is Anette,

She is in need of counseling, for years she got abused by her children cause she felt guilty fr the broken marriages, for years she allowed them to use her as a ATM and door mat, only she can rectify this, there's nothing you can do about it.

Anette is the one who has to decide what's more important to her, her blood sucking leeches of children or her relationship with you, but while she's deciding this you have to decide if it's worth putting your life on hold for years waiting for her.

i have bad news.... this has been going on for years, I doubt it will ever change, in your shoes I would simply walk away, yes you do love her, but if she's not willing to change or kick her adult brats out there's no hope for this union.

I decided after 14 years to walk away, it hurt like hell, I put the ours house in the market, SO clearly made his choice, Ex wife and daughter above me (daughter was still a minor) I decided if I can't get a place in his life after 14 years, I will never have a place, thus I simply cut ties and walked away, to complicate the break up, we are working together lol..... After being apart 2 months SO came to talk to me, we had a long talk, I told him what I want and I made it clear, either it's compromising now or nothing at all, I will not lower my OCD cleaning standards nor my values, either he steps up or it's NO... Either he start being a parent and respects me as the other adult in the house or it's NO, he thought a hour about it and agreed to everything..... since then we've had no major problems, for the first time in years he puts me as first priority not his daughter anymore, who basically sounds like Ashley....she dared making the comment, now that I have her father in my clutches again there's no reason to sell the house..... I simply looked at her and smiled, it's not even worth answering, my house, my money and I can damn well do with it as I please, either SO buys out my half or it's sold.... little princess knows... once the house is gone, her good times will be gone with it,

No more bringing friends over, we live at the beach, no more free holidays, nope ... nothing, this is the house she grew up in and SO got it in the divorce, I simply bought 50% to ensure there's no foreclosure on it and well it's a good investment and will be a nice profit.....

but the whole thing here.... you tried for years, it's time to pick yourself up, get back to your standards and values, and take control of your life, if Anette is not ready to take control of her life there's nothing you can do about it, then you simply move on...

Photoshooter2's picture

I appreciate your words. I'm also glad that your SO decided ultimately, to support you as his priority. Annette may eventually come to realize that she isn't doing anyone any good with her priority being kids over her own happiness or marriage. Whether I will be around if and when that happens, I don't know at this point. It's just a damn shame that kids have zero respect for others, yet scream the loudest if they feel "disrespected" in the slightest. I actually wonder if they understand what the concept means.

disrestep's picture

No one wants to lose their spouse. If this were me and my DH was putting all the adult skids' needs, wants and feelings well over and above our marriage, as in your case, I would be contacting a good divorce attorney, finding a way to support myself financially and never looking back.

Your post is really long, so I scanned much of it, but have some comments: You were shoved down and your DW did nothing about this and told you to leave? That would be a deal breaker for me right there. That is terrible.

Your DWs kids sound spoiled and entitled and your DW is enabling all their behavior. Sounds like your DW is not placing her marriage or her spouse first or at all.

The counselor is bias and not a fair and impartial source for help.

I would run, run, run for the hills and never look back. Doesn't sound like it will ever change. It is never easy.

I imagine this is how my life would of ended up DH stayed in the family home where the adult skids came and went as they pleased and had full run of everything my DH owned and took things, including things of mine and used or never returned them. In this home they were allowed to disrespect me and DH whenever they wanted. I hated being there when they were there. It was bad. I am so thankful DH noticed their hateful behavior also, got rid of the home and we moved elsewhere.

You need to take care of yourself and put your needs first, as that dysfunctional family if not going to help you. Good luck with everything.

Photoshooter2's picture

Again, I apologize for being verbose, I tried to give the facts and unfortunately, there were a lot of influencing factors. My DW did not witness me getting shoved down, she was in the other room and had not come into our meeting at the time of the incident. You are correct in your assessment of the skids being spoiled and selfish and my DW enabling their bad behavior. The kids are great at manipulating through guilt and have years of practice. I hope for the best eventually, but if our relationship depends on their "healing", it is doomed.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

OP Situations like this one, so involved with each other etc., never change. You have seen the warning signs of the future if you stick around. It ain't gonna get better honey.

Get out now while you still have your sanity. I know that sounds harsh as you love Annette, but she threw you under the bus and backed up to get you again.

Photoshooter2's picture

She has made it clear that she made it her choice to put her children and grand children (now legal custody kids) over me. The entire bad situation is a result of the youngest daughter being a completely irresponsible, self centered idiot and giving her kids to us. The topper was the oldest daughter who is equally as selfish, but adds self righteousness and sanctimony to the mix. I don't hold much hope for Annette waking to the fact that their dysfunctions should not destroy our family or marriage.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Well Photo, there you have it. She has made it clear that it is them over you. There is nothing more you can do or should do except get out of that maddening mess.

Rags's picture

Leave know and count your blessings to have this large, shallow and behaviorally polluted gene pool in your rear view mirror. The demographics of the players are irrelevant. What is relevant is that your SO is not only the voluntary victim of this shit circus but actively pursues it.

Move on and enjoy your life far from this mess.

Keep in mind that the status of "soul mate" is earned continuously and that includes preventing drama from entering the picture.

As for your Dx of T-2 diabetes... I recommend this book.

http://www.diabetes-book.com/

You can read portions of the book on the above site. The author is an MD who is also a nearly 70year T-1 who has been innovative and extremely successful at reversing the negative side effects of diabetes. I have followed his solution for nearly 20 years.

Read it, live it, love it and in all probability you will reverse your T-2. I am a 37 year nearly 54yo T-1 and following this methodology has allowed me to normalize my blood sugars. T-1 is not reversible but, many, T-2 can be reversed with diligent focus and management. I too had some peripheral neuropathy that I have entirely reversed with this solution. Stick to it and your health will likely thrive. Stop following it and the problems will return. Work with your Endo.

In my medical layman's opinion of course.

Good luck.

secret's picture

I'm curious to know why you left town for 3 weeks because daughter dearest was pissy that you shoved her toddler down back into her bed in the middle of the night.... losing your job in the process.

Nobody's temper tantrum is enough reason for me to risk losing my job, so I can't understand that part at all.

As to the rest of it - stay out. You're better off. Date Annette, from afar.

Photoshooter2's picture

I explained why. I was asked to leave based on giving time for Ashley to "heal". The child is NOT Ashley's child, it is her niece and she's 4 1/2 years old. It happened at 2 am at a time when both Annette and I have been sleep deprived for months and I was in some pretty bad pain. I made a mistake and reacted poorly so to say that I should have thought about risking my job, doesn't describe the situation.

secret's picture

That's what I mean... your reason doesn't make sense TO ME.

You left home for 3 weeks so your step-daughter - not even the child's mother - could "heal", from something that many parents do at 2am while sleep deprived with a young child who refuses to lie back down.

I would never leave home for 3 weeks for someone to "get over it". Especially when I live there, pay bills, and they're just there to coast while getting their sh!t together.

Just because you were asked to leave, doesn't mean you should have... I think that your SD and your wife have blown the entire thing out of proportion, and the request for you to leave was incredibly unfair - especially that it resulted in job loss for you.

Now, nobody's happy, and it doesn't look good for anyone.

Honestly - this Ashley sounds like a real piece of work... and if I were you, I'd just cut my losses.

Just because you don't have kids, doesn't mean you don't know how they should be treated. I mean... your other SD has a couple.. and she doesn't know how they should be treated... soo....

Hang in there. Forget about the "family" - and if you really desire it, just date your "wife" from afar. Let her deal with her mess of a life, let her deal with her nutjob daughters, and enjoy quiet dinners with her etc. without anyone else around.

You take care of you, let her take care of them.

Photoshooter2's picture

I didn't know that I'd be gone for three weeks, I left with an open ended return date, based on DW telling me when she thought things were sufficiently settled for me to return. Additionally, while visiting my parents, my mother was diagnosed with Cancer (hopefully a treatable case caught early) which complicated things further. You are mistaken in one case, DW and I are not happy, but Ashley is (except for her crocodile tears about hurting because her mom is hurting). Her BS is the equivalent of her murdering her parents and then asking for pity because she's an orphan.

I know that I made a rookie parent mistake by allowing my frustration at 2 am to overtake my sleepy brain in an instant, and even DW said that she fully understood that and it was not an unforgivable sin, but instead a common one for new parents. She has 31 years of parenting and being around many, many kids. I've had 10 months of being around ANY kids, let alone one that is a special needs child with no nighttime boundaries. I AM a rookie so I DO make mistakes. That said, I was always getting better, the kids loved me and DW said that even with my faults, I was head and shoulders above their biological parents in terms of parenting. But I was held to a standard of perfection and made a mistake which allowed the oldest skid daughter to uncork all of her pent up life anger at me. And DW made her choice who was tops in her priority list.

My only option besides not looking back, is to date DW from afar. I've not been allowed any other option and even that option is currently off the table. Thanks for your words of encouragement.

Photoshooter2's picture

I hung in showing love, integrity, commitment, patience and compassion for 4 months. Her evil oldest daughter with the blue hair and the morals of an alley cat got her brother and sister to write hate mail to their mom telling her that she could have me, or she could have them. She walked away from us saying that since she won’t endanger her real with her kids, and they blackmailed her, she will forgo her happiness with me for them. She also said she is not interested in seeing anyone else. 2 weeks later she meets a guy and now they are in a deep and profound relationship 2 months later. He will suffer the same fate eventually. So much for loyalty and her claiming that I was her soulmate. 

The instant someone tells you that their priorities are God, kids and then themselves and spouse, run... They are toxic. Step kids, especially adult daughters can be the most evil people in the world. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I feel like you really dodged a bullet in not legally getting married to Annette. I know you are hurting and that you wanted a life with her. However, one who is so intertwined with adult children will only lead to drama. What you went through for her in the years you were together was enough to rock an steady relationship to it's core. Once she chose her failure to launches over you.. you know that was the end. Taking custody of grandchildren was enough to ask of you. For the rest of this sad group to still be so dependent on Annette is just absurd. 

Cut your losses and move on. You seem like a very caring man. I am sure there is a woman that will appreciate what you can offer. 

Photoshooter2's picture

3 1/2 months after walking out on an almost 4 year relationship with me because of her blackmailing kids, she is engaged to her new guy.... I definately dodged a bullet. Like I said, if you have a partner/fiancee/wife that puts God, Kids and then spouse in that priority list, run! She is messed up to an extent that she needs more help than you can give, no matter how good a person you are.