barbKarin's picture

Wedding buffoonery conclusion

So the conclusion to OSD's atrocious behavior is that DH will walk her down the aisle halfway and have her stepfather walk her down the rest of the way.

Except it isn't has lovey dovey as it is with other normal families. BM's husband has played a huge role in poisoning the stepkids against us.

He has told countless lies and harassed me personally to the point where I went to the cops years ago.

I am of course, still not invited. Not that I wanted to go anyway. I cannot pretend celebrate OSD's wedding.

DH was almost not going to the wedding himself. But lo and behold, the other two stepkids descended like vultures and tore into him. They accused him of deliberately trying to ruin OSD's wedding.

They successfully beat him into submission like they always do. Threatening to not come visit always gets to DH and they know it.

I am absolutely disgusted. Even more disgusted that part of my money went into this wedding. I will not be contributing to the other two weddings.

If OSD doesn't change her attitude, her marriage won't survive. But I don't see her changing.

hereiam's picture

You helped pay for this

You helped pay for this wedding and are not invited? Your husband should be ashamed of his daughter.

barbKarin's picture

He is. He wasn't going to go.

He is. He wasn't going to go. Then the two winged monkey's came over. Evoked the memory of his dead mother to guilt him even more. Accused him of not being a good enough father all these years even though their own mother was withholding them.

DH is the textbook example of some weird case of Stockholm syndrome where he gets abused by his children and keeps going back for more.

There were some murmurs of me being invited again but I told DH they can shove it.

Little does OSD know is that I had also bought a wedding gift last year that is worth almost 5K and that was something she really wanted. No way in hell is she getting it now.

hereiam's picture

I am so glad that my DH got

I am so glad that my DH got past the guilt stage a long time ago. My adult SDs have pushed him right into the pissed off stage, so no guilt!

I definitely would not give her that gift (or go to the wedding). I hope it's something you can use.

sammigirl's picture

You won't regret staying

You won't regret staying away. Find something nice to do for yourself.

I am going to do what I love, when I love, and I'm going to love doing it.

queensway's picture

Your step children are

Your step children are terrible human beings. This wedding is a joke and your husband is caught right in the middle of it. Walking her half way down the aisle is all for show. Disgusting. She is making a spectacle of this. A spoiled rotten little "B".

disrestep's picture

Having gone to a couple of

Having gone to a couple of the step weddings, in hindsight I wish I never went to them. You will be so much happier I bet if you don't go. I would not ever give the Sd the gift. Sounds like she does not deserve it or anything from you or your DH.

Isn't amazing how the other adult steps try to guilt trip manipulate the DH's into doing something another step wants? My adult steps have used describing how they know that is what various deceased relatives would of wanted when trying to push DH into doing something he does not want to do.

Good luck with everything.

Disrestep

ldvilen's picture

Big YES to that one! "Having

Big YES to that one! "Having gone to a couple of the step weddings, in hindsight I wish I never went to them." For the most part, SMs are treated like a joke at these weddings. There is something called "Step-mother wedding etiquette," but all that usually translates into is SM sucking it up and taking it or "taking the high road." A/k/a: not sitting with her husband at all regardless of how many years they have been married, SM not allowed in any family pictures, and SM staying in the background as much as possible, and also making sure she wears beige and old-lady shoes. If SM even remotely tries to act like who she is--her husband's wife--she'll be accused of trying to usurp BM!? Puzzled Yes, BM gets to act like DH's wife whenever it pops into someone's head to do so, again regardless of how long SM and DH have been married and regardless if BM was a bar-hopping diva while she was still married to DH or worse. SM is supposed to yet again take one for the so-called "greater good" of the initial family. However, if BM wants to toss bio-dad aside and promote her fake-dad partner as the real dad, then she gets the green light on that one too!

SM etiquette is a huge contradiction. Every other couple will be treated as a couple pretty much no matter where they go. But, dad and his wife, suddenly SM is thought of as invisible at best and dad is thought of as an adult minion, whose sole purpose is to cater to his children's and his ex's whims, all for the "greater good"/ floor show. Really!, a full-size cut-out of dad would serve just as good of a purpose as real-life pops. SM can be married to DH for years and years, make more money than him, contributed her own funds towards the SKs throughout the years, and people will still act like SM is an ass just for wanting to have the same rights every other couple has when they are together. DH and his wife are the couple, by the way. Mom and dad are parents, but they are no longer a couple. They gave up that right when they divorced, and shame on anyone who thinks they can divide a couple, especially a married couple, at an event or otherwise without both of their permissions.

An adult child wanting a fantasy family for the day (or week, or month, or ?) doesn't override the God-given right of a married couple to be a married couple. If mom and dad chose to dissolve that right, then they have done so. The burden of their dissolution isn't to be used to subject another married couple to a lesser marriage or inferior status, served up with an extra dose of shame and ridicule, so much so that no permission is even needed for anyone to hook up a married dad with whomever they choose at a event.

Best thing for step-mom to do at weddings--either go looking like Sofía Vergara in a red dress and play the flaming 2nd wife to the max., or avoid the whole thing and plan a spa day with friends, people who actually care about you.

Dovina's picture

Be glad you aren't going to

Be glad you aren't going to this spectacle. Nothing like a wedding or a funeral that brings out the best, or should I say worst, in these entitled, marriage wedging, narcissists.
Your DH will feel humiliated at this wedding, that is a guarantee. At least you wont be there to see it, or be a target.

"I can't control your behavior...But I will not apologize for refusing to be disrespected or be mistreated. I have standards; step up or step out" ~ Steve Maraboli

advice.only2's picture

Sadly these DH's don't have

Sadly these DH's don't have the man bits to stand up at these weddings and show that they are are force to be reckoned with.

If SD ever invited DH to her wedding, I would go with bells on, I would make sure to insert myself into every conversation, every photo, and every chance I got I would be toasting to the happiest couple who deserves each other, and the meth ex who did such an AHHHMAZING job not raising her! I would basically make myself the center of the party just as my parting gift to all the crap she put me through while living in my home.

queensway's picture

LOL I would pay good money to

LOL I would pay good money to witness something like that. Eye-wink

tigerlily74's picture

Actually, this is exactly

Actually, this is exactly what I did at my SD's wedding.

DH made it clear that he would not attend without me, and so I went dressed appropriately but elegantly. The only time DH left me alone was during the walk-in and the greeting of guests as they left the church sanctuary. During those times, I sat by myself quietly to the side - although quite a few people came up to me to say hi and I was as gracious as could be.

After he walked SD in, DH made it a point to walk to where I sat and sit next to me rather than next to BM. After he greeted the guests on their way out of the church, he made a beeline to be by my side in the reception afterwards. I didn't particularly want to be in the family photos, but DH insisted on having me by his side and I wasn't about to abdicate that position.

I would suggest you GO just so you don't relinquish your rightful position by your DH's side. But DON'T give her the $5K present as she does not deserve it. Don't give her the satisfaction of having your DH all to herself - *and* have your DH appear side by side with BM as if they are a couple. NO.

"When I grow up, I want to be a Second Wife," said no-one ever.

marblefawn's picture

You know, a SM has a lot of

You know, a SM has a lot of planning to do for a SD's wedding. I hope you're working hard on it! Spa or beach vacay? Which bikini to wear? White or red or...hee, hee...ALL THREE? (After all, two hands = two glasses!) Take my best friend with me or take ALL my best friends with me???

Make it a great day, Barbkarin!

It's later than you think.

BethAnne's picture

amazing plans...perhaps the

amazing plans...perhaps the wedding gift can be returned (or sold) and the money spent on this luxury weekend getaway?

moose's picture

I was in this situation 2

I was in this situation 2 years ago. SS also played the flying monkey part of making DH feel guilty. If he said no to SD at all SS would call him and pour the blame on.
I did go to the wedding. I now wished I had not. I was just a mark for narcissistic SD and her mother. I will not go if SS ever gets married. (i don't think he could find anyone to marry him anyway) All the games the others talked about were played. I would not give the SD the gift either. If you do go dye your hair bight blue so If you do get in any pictures you will be sure to stand out.

Moose

Rags's picture

The Karmic forecast would

The Karmic forecast would indicate that SD will suffer a quick demise of her marriage and after that suffer through a very painful adulthood of dealing with an X and PASed out children.

Ya gotta love Karma. Particularly when it's venomous bite lands on the asses of toxic people. Evil

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian, not a buddy.-Rags
If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR
If you want to be a part of my life then use your head or STFU and do what you are told.-Rags

Amcc13's picture

Can you get any of the money

Can you get any of the money back yourself ?
I hope you plan to separate finance after this
Other than that plan an amazing spa break for that weekend and send your partner loads of pix of you enjoying yourself
And post them on facebook
Let them know you don't care !

whether I am or not they will always find an excuse to call me lady tremaine...
My secret... Embrace the lady tremaine within you and f**k all those who don't do this on a daily basis - they DONT GET IT

sandye21's picture

I agree - you should get your

I agree - you should get your money back, and separate finances. This is disgraceful! Just wonder if any of the other guests (especially DH) will see the significance of the 'shifting of the guard' as SD is walked down the isle, symbolizing rejection and replacement of her Father. Sad your DH would rather be beaten into submission than muster up some self-respect. Can you imagine how YOU would have been treated if you attended? And your DH would have allowed it.

Ya, do something special for yourself and let everyone know what a good time you had. Then remove yourself from any thought of these bottom feeders and let DH deal with it on his own.

As Rags wrote, Karma will come back to back to bite them all on the a$$. There WILL come a time when even DH has had enough.

ETexasMom's picture

My ODD had both her father

My ODD had both her father and step father walk her down the aisle but they didn't switch off like that. The switching off halfway does kinda make it seem like a changing of the guard. ODD had both walk her down the aisle one on each side. DH has been in her life since she was 10 and he's an active stepfather going to all her school stuff. Plus DH and Ex respect each other and get along so that makes it nice. We got a beautiful picture of her walking down the aisle laughing with both dad's smiling and you could tell they were saying something. It's a really happy picture. I asked her later what they were saying and she said they were saying it wasn't to late to run. One said he'd go push the groom in the lake and the other was saying he'd grab the car. The fact they both are respectful of the other and she treats both as her parent helps. She'd never pit them against each other like your SD is doing.

I wish I had bowed out of going to MSDs wedding. I didn't sit with DH but instead in the back with my kids. At the reception DH refused to sit with the wedding party and came and found me instead and sat with me. That did make it much more tolerable but you tell MSD was not pleased.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

BarbKarin, I second

BarbKarin, I second separating finances. This includes taking half of all joint funds plus an amount equal to your half of the amount you and DH are contributing to the wedding. Let your spineless H carry the full financial burden

No way would one penny of my money be used to finance a wedding for someone who hates me. Excluding you is an open declaration of war, and your skids must be very sure of themselves and the power they hold over their father to behave in such a horrid way.

Well, at least it's all out in the open now. The question is, what do you do next? Are you willing to have any of these hateful skids in your life ever again? Do you still love your husband? Do you respect and trust him? I think I'd be searching for a marriage counselor and a personal therapist to help sort this mess out. I certainly wouldn't take this abuse lying down. I'd make it the catalyst for a fresh, more positive chapter in my skidfree life.

TwoOfUs's picture

I fear this for my future

I fear this for my future when weddings and g-skids start rearing their ugly heads.

Right now, I know none of my skids would dare exclude me from anything...and maybe they don't even want to and I'm just paranoid. I certainly feel like, especially for the two girls, I'm an afterthought most of the time. However, my DH wouldn't stand for my exclusion, so I have that protection. I'm curious about what they'd try to pull of DH put up with it...and wondering if grandkids will change the power dynamic. Not going to borrow trouble too much, though...just like reading experiences from people who are at different stages of this journey for perspective.

Oh..and yes. As someone who has spent far too much of her own money on indifferent skids...I know how tough it is to stop. But I agree with others who say you need to get your $$$ out ASAP!