Twix's picture

Time to call a lawyer

So DH still hadn't heard from BM, so emailed her again, taking the advice other posters gave us in my last blog.

Well she finally returned an email. It was very long and hard to read, the kind of thing we steptalkers would say I can't read that block, please add paragraphs. To her benefit she only swore at him a couple times and only brought up past situations, with the added crazy BM spin, a couple times.... so not too bad.

But she pretty much told him, no SS10 will not be coming and she will not make him. She claims he only wants to spend two consecutive nights and not on school days (my first thought was yes so you can have weekends free).
She also talked about how this COs been in place for years so if he wanted to exercise his time he should have done so already. But she also said they have been doing this without the courts help so far so why change that now. She says he gets SS11 for extra time so why does DH want to make things difficult. In DHs head he's thinking yeah my extra time that your always threatening me with, so no the CO does need to be followed.

She also told him he was in contempt of court for not paying the correct years support. DH pays what is in the CO, as far as we know if she wants to change this she needs to apply for that correct? We live in Ontario and DH pays through fro, who would be all over him if it wasn't the correct amount. They are both supposed to share tax return every year but neither of them have done it.

She also claimed that the boys aren't comfortable here because I am 'always around' and they need more one on one time with DH. I really found that laughable because those boys follow me around like lost puppies. The youngest (the one being passed) usually only wants to go do things if I'm going as well .... so I think she's full of crap. Not to mention I try to stay in if DH is taking them out (as I like the break) but this usually means at least one of them will want to stay with me or beg me to come as well.
SS10 and myself ordered a dollhouse to build last time he was here and he was talking about how he was going to need to spend some extra here. The next morning BM took him for a doctors appointment and he hasn't been back since ... to me that's saying something.

I don't know anymore, after we read the email I just looked at DH and said time to call your lawyer .... unfortunately he can't get in till the end of the month.

Twix's picture

Oh and whenever DH has asked

Oh and whenever DH has asked SS10 about why he doesn't want to come he says it's because he fights too much with SS11 (so sorry that we own our small home as we don't live off of child support from 3 different dads and the government, enabling us to rent a big house on the richest street in town) so yah things feel cramped at times and the boys share a bedroom.

Aniki's picture

Tell SS11 to stop fighting

Tell SS11 to stop fighting with SS10!! WTH?

IMO, if your DH wants to take the boys somewhere and you are NOT going, both still need to go with him. Staying home with you should not be an option. No offense intended, but they are there to spend time with their dad.

These BMs who think they can dictate THEIR idea of the court ruling are full of sh!t.

I decided to stop reaching out. It's just asking to get my hand slapped. ~Aniki

The juice ain't worth the squeeze. ~SourGrapes

Shun her like an Amish chick who got caught wearing a thong. ~Echo

Twix's picture

They really don't fight that

They really don't fight that much ..... I honesty think it has more to do with lifestyle and BM. For example, at her place they can have a bag of popcorn for breakfast, so we have some serious food issues with the kid. We don't force him to eat certain things but he's allowed what's served and that's it, no making two meals etc. Also SS10 not coming began after the situation where BM called me a bitch on my porch, I don't think it's a coincidence. Ugh so who knows.

DH makes them go with him about 98% of the time, mainly because he knows I need the time alone. If BS2 is staying home with me I really don't mind because then they get some good one on one play time with him.

DaizyDuke's picture

She also claimed that the

She also claimed that the boys aren't comfortable here because I am 'always around'

What a tool. You are the wife and stepmother and home owner. Of course you're going to be "around" Does she have a boyfriend, husband, village idiot living with her?? Is he always "around"? Tell her if she wants to pay for a room for you, you'd be happy to flit off to a hotel on days that skids will be there!

ღIt's all fun and games until someone doesn't pick up on the sarcasm ღ
ツ I try to act nonchalant but underneath, I am chalant AF ツ

Twix's picture

She'll move a guy in for a

She'll move a guy in for a couple months, have his baby then kick him out because he didn't like on the kids, or he was mean to mom or he kissed another girl (all stuff the skids openly shared)

But I love the idea of a nice holiday in hotel room when the skids are there lol

StarsMom's picture

Going to court is a marathon,

Going to court is a marathon, not a sprint, so expect that to take some time. In the meantime DH should request every single CO parenting time in writing and by showing up to get the children.

BM denying parenting time a couple more times in writing will only help your DH's case.

BM's always want to make it about the wife/girlfriend Because they can't stand their precious little snowflakes may be "mothered" by another woman.

These boys may very well be telling BM they prefer to be there without you but keep in mind BM's reaction if they said the truth. It's self preservation when they lie, which doesn't make it ok but does make it ok to ignore it completely and just handle your family time however you and DH feel is best based on the TRUTH.

Not today, Satan. Not. Today.

It doesn't matter how the mule got stuck in the ditch, let's just help her get out.

Twix's picture

Thank you for that. We were

Thank you for that. We were both a little flustered and feeling stressed about the whole thing, great tips for how to proceed.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Adding to what you said about

Adding to what you said about what the boys say to BM...

BM in my case either hears what she wants to hear or is just really good at manipulating her children. She will tell DH that the boys want to do something with her on his visitation weekend, or that the boys have something they want to talk to their dad about but are afraid to (usually has something to do with money, and usually for something that she can be involved in, too). The requests come across like a child saying "it was their idea" when they get caught doing something they weren't supposed to.

Anyway, the boys don't typically have strong feelings one way or another about anything. When they do, it's all they talk about. DH has no issue with the boys being social on his weekends, so they have never had an issue in the past with asking for things they really want or care about. So, when BM starts in with her "well the boys want" tyrade, it's easy to tell that the boys don't really care.

What ACTUALLY happens in these instances, per OSS, is that BM presents them with an idea and, either because they think it sounds interesting or because they feel bad saying no, they say sure. This either gets twisted in BM's mind as they want it (versus just being intrigued by it or indifferent) or she knows that when she spins it to DH, she'll technically be right and the boys won't give a big explanation of what they actually meant. I don't think she realizes that we know.

The way this came out was a few Christmases ago. BM gave DH a week of visitation, so we scheduled Christmas into that. Well, a couple of days before visitation is supposed to start, BM tells DH that the boys don't want to spend that long with him and want to come back to her place on Thursday night versus Saturday morning. We already made plans, and BM basically says she has Friday off and the boys want to do something with her on her at off. DH told her they would be back Friday night.

I asked OSS later why he isn't tell us they wanted to spend Friday with BM when we were planning Christmas and telling them what was going on. OSS said that he didn't technically tell BM that he wanted to hang out with her; she asked him if he would like to, and he felt obligated to say sure.

So, in conclusion, these BMs hear and think whatever it is they want to hear and think, and they are willing to twist their children to get what they want. Your SSs may not be saying anything to her; she may be coaxing a response out of them, and they may be answering in a non-committal/unenthusiastic way that BM is running the field with. It is no reflection on you, as mentioned above and possibly below already, and everything to do with BMs putting their kids in really unfair positions.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I love it when these BMs put

I love it when these BMs put in writing that they are currently, and will continue, to violate the CO. That is courtroom gold right there.

Aniki's picture

It's like the proverbial

It's like the proverbial shooting yourself in the foot...

I decided to stop reaching out. It's just asking to get my hand slapped. ~Aniki

The juice ain't worth the squeeze. ~SourGrapes

Shun her like an Amish chick who got caught wearing a thong. ~Echo

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

"She also claimed that the

"She also claimed that the boys aren't comfortable here because I am 'always around' and they need more one on one time with DH. I really found that laughable because those boys follow me around like lost puppies."

Willing to bet that's jealousy... She probably hears about you and it makes her mad... Because how dare her kids decide they like a decen thuman being who cares about them! But kudos to you! Means the boys love you!

Goodluck's picture

I encourage you and dh some

I encourage you and dh some time to review Dr. Craig Childress videos. You can find them on you tube.

In the search thing on youtube--just type Dr. Craig Childress

PLEASE please tell your husband that kids DO not reject their parent. Do kids have events that may interfere with a visit...sure they do.

But again PLEASE know they don't reject a parent. That's what pathogenic parenting is all about.

**not all things are "pathogenic parenting" but that rejection part is.

Remember what your hearing the boy said, is from BM's mouth OR email/text. Most of us have heard the very same thing at one time or another from a bm.

By the way, That is on page 5 of "How to keep your kids from your ex AND get more child support to boot" BOOK.

I would tell her to have the kids ready at the court ordered time and dh will pick them up. OR what ever your court order outlines.

IF she refuses dh will 1. file contempt charges Monday and 2. Also request a welfare check on the kids.
(3) for you only---check your ordinances for custody interference and have dad insist police site her.

**give the lawyer a call and put them on notice** Contempt NOW, not later after years go by of the same shit.

The second type of triangulation is a cross-generational coalition in which one parent forms a coalition with the child against the other parent. This is the type of triangulation involved in the pathology traditionally called “parental alienation”.