LS9's picture

Where things are and have been.

I have been involved many times over with ladies that had a child or children. Each one has been different and some better than others. At the end I walked away with a unique lesson or lessons learned. None of them have any contact with me today. None of these relationships has prepared me for this teenage 18 year old MAN. The situation is most unique. Im sure its not different from all others. But , my well diversified experence has not seen it. Im 47. Im having no more kids. All I want to do this go around, the last go, is have a good marriage and be a good step parent.
The boy is 18 and , to be simply put, has had major spine issues. I was there during all the correction that happened. I was very involved. I did a good job. Today, he has two rods on either side of his spine keeping 85% it straight. During his childhood his mother was the protective one , as she should have been. Currently, she bites if I correct the boy. She tries to let it go but she way over protective. Now Im convinced that there is no awesome step parent relationship. If your graced with their youth you'll see better days than the teen years. Teen years are rough to start with. That being said, Im getting ready for my wife, his mother, to have her hip joint basically taken out and screwed back in place. shell be down and completely dependent for 3 months at least; a year till she's recovered completely. Working with this boy is going to be interesting. Theres a lot to this story. To be brief, he has to be reminded daily to do simple stuff. Maybe this is normal. However, If I try to discipline him I'm shooed away by the mother hen. Now, Im about to be physically running the household for a while. I can manage. But how is this going to go with the 18 year old? So many thoughts of varying degrees follow this.....

Maxwell09's picture

Have a family meeting before

Have a family meeting before she goes in for surgery letting her know that if you are going to be the only one running the house, they will have to make some changes in their behavior and attitudes. She will have to let her son be independent and deal with consequences of a shitty job (being lazy—getting nagged to clean up) and he’s going to have to get over whatever it is keeping him from not participating in basic household duties like cleaning up after himself. Have a plan, set it out for them and if they balk then tell her she can either hire a maid/home health to take care of one or the other problems OR cancel her surgery so she can keep running behind the boy and you disengage completely from him.

ESMOD's picture

TBH, it sounds fairly normal

TBH, it sounds fairly normal for teens to need to be nagged to get things accomplished. I'm sure that the fact that he has endured medical procedures that probably made his mother more protective and limited his ability to do things has contributed to that even more.

That being said, at 18, he should be mentally mature enough to take direction without it being world war III. I see nothing wrong with a pre op meeting to let him know that since his mom is going to be out of commission, that it means that he and you are going to have to step things up in the house to get things done.

That being said, she is not going to be mentally impaired.. just won't be able to be as mobile (past the initial drugged up phase). I think that she should still be able to parent him and remind him even if it is from her bed or couch location.

What are the plans for him to leave the nest? at 18, he certainly should be considering higher education or a job and leaving home.

DaizyDuke's picture

It seems like there has to be

It seems like there has to be more to this? Kids need to be nagged. I have to nag my 8 year old. Sometimes I don't.. really just depends on the day. Is the 18 year old disabled by this spine thing? Did he graduate high school? Is he always going to be living with you? Does he respect you? I feel like I don't have all the information I need to have an informed opinion.

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Veritas's picture

To echo a few other

To echo a few other responses....SET THE EXPECTATIONS! Expectations reveal everyone's thoughts and put them out on the table. All the rules are made. Everyone agrees that they heard them.

Not all rules are followed all the time, and such is the way of life, but it is impossible to expect a smooth running house when no one knows what their role is, what is expected of them or what your needs are if basic, simple communication isn't happening.

The truth became my defense, my rock, my guide, my freedom...

"Love yourself more..." ~ Echo

StarsMom's picture

I would present it as you

I would present it as you expect him to step up and be part of the team and you BOTH need to care for mom and the household. As you discover the things he is better at it prefers doing then let him be responsible for those tasks. For instance I do laundry and my husband cooks.

I think the biggest thing you can do is be flexible and work as a team. Mom being down may help him feel more "adult."

Not today, Satan. Not. Today.

It doesn't matter how the mule got stuck in the ditch, let's just help her get out.