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Confused young step dad

Confusedguy's picture

Im 24 my gf is 37 shes great love her with everything i have we have a really great relationship. I couldn’t ask for a better half. But...she has 3 kids 18, 12 & 6

Thwre great kids but very spoiled i dont really have to deal with it because we live apart i travel
For work so I probably visit them once or twice a month for 4-5 days this has been going on for a year now..whe im around for the most part there cool ..sometimes they act up but they’re pretty respectful kids but there is times when we go places and they want things they turn into apoiled brats and my gf instantly gives in..even at home she will ask them to do someyand they always have a response wither why? Or an excused on why it cant be done at that moment...when im there i back her up and say like “hey listen to your mom” or like “hey do it now no questions asked” type of stuff. I tried to tell her hey maybe u need to change this or that dont give into them dont give them what they want dont cater to them except for necessities like the baby dont need a toy everytime we go to walmart or we sont have to eat out everyday because your kids dont want home food...But when i talk to her about it she gets very defensive and says “is it affecting our relationship?” Or stuff like it works for me so dont worry about it..it gets annoying and i tell her im just trying to make them better kids when i correct the soiledness or when i tell her dont give into their shit. Im tired of it but i dont want to leave her..what do i do??? Is its always gonna be like this??? She had been single for a long time before me...also all 3 kids come from different dead beat days that have nothing to do with the children..is she just being

CANYOUHELP's picture

My advise to you is to seriously consider if you want this to be even worse for the rest of your time with this woman? You have no children I assume, you are not married to this woman, move on. You deserve happiness and peace in your life with your own children, not your gf's, who is not even open to considering your feelings while dating. Trust me, being married makes this situation 10 times worse. There is nothing you can do, she is not listening to you; she is seriously enmeshed with her children and will side with them over you---every time; think about it...You are too young for settle for all this dysfunction (3 different dead beat daddeees), geez.

Love is not worth the current misery or the misery to come-- if you stay with this woman and assume all her children and enmeshment issues.

Re-evaluate your happiness now and think about your own serenity in life. It is not with this woman, from what you have described. The right lady is still out there somewhere, keep looking for her.

Rags's picture

The age difference in and of itself is not necessarily a deal breaker IMHO. After all.... I am 12 years older than my DW of 23+ years and counting.

We met when she was 18 and I was 29. It was the last year of my 11yr undergrad college career and her first semester out of HS. I had kicked up from part time to full time student when I sold my share of my company to my business partners a few months after the divorce was final and headed back to finish engineering school.

My life paradigm did not include interfacing with single teen mothers so it took a couple of weeks of dating for us to get around to learning each other's ages. We both had some concerns about the age difference .... but.... when I graduated and moved out of state for work I came to the conclusion that this woman was who I wanted to spend my life with and that meant stepping up and being Dad to the Skid. He was 15mos old when we met. We married the week before he turned 2yo.

So, as I said... the age difference is not necessarily an issue.

However... your SOs status as an abject failure of a parent would be deal breaker were I you.

Regardless of age difference... a life long equity life partnership is between equity partners. That means that each of you is an equity parent to any children in your relationship home regardless of kid biology. If she doesn't recognize you as an equity partner in all aspects then.... time for you to move on.

If my bride had not accepted me as an equity parent to our kid... that would have been a deal breaker for us .... most likely.

Good luck.

SimplicitySeeker's picture

At 24 you should be saving towards your own future or travelling or both, working towards a career if not already sorted, I wish I was your age again, I'm 47 now and entangled with a woman with a child, I didn't get serious with a woman with a child till i was 41, even now if I met a woman with 3 children to 3 different fathers it would be a huge red flag. Give yourself a shake and move along you'll be so glad you did. 

thinkthrice's picture

as fast as you can away from this circus!!