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Strange Question

stephanie1012's picture

A few weeks back I posted for the first time about my boyfriend and his adult son and the problems I was having. You were all very insightful. Another issue has come up and honestly, I'm at a loss and I'm hoping some of you may have some experience or insight into the situation. This is not something I can discuss with my friends.

So my BF son moved out finally yet he still calls/texts his dad all the time for everything. I've disconnected from the situation and pretty much have become detached whenever the conversation comes up with this adult son. He hasn't been back to the house when I've been there and I haven't had to deal with him personally so it's just the constant texting when we are together that I have to cope with. But this isn't the issue.

My bf had his messenger up and I happened to notice his son had previously sent him a message (time stamp Dec) . Yes, I looked and it was a porn shot. Is this something a son would send his dad?? In the past this adult son has made sexual references to his father that I would consider locker room talk. He does it in front of me. It embarrasses his dad and my bf has told him to contain it. The adult son does it every time I'm around! I am no prude by any imagination. I have no issues discussing sex with my girlfriends or my boyfriend but I'd never get into dirty details with my children.

I don't know the relationship between adult sons and fathers so is this normal? I mean, does an adult son actually make comments about his father's sexual prowess in front of his father's girlfriend? Is it normal for a son to send his father sexually explicit pictures? Forgive my naivety, but I find this disturbing but maybe it's normal and I'm just a chick with girls so I don't know!

Kes's picture

No, none of this is at all "normal". I think you probably know this but are just checking! Wink What is your bf's view of his son's odd behaviour? Personally, in his place I'd let my son know that I never wanted him to do this again. Is his son on the autism spectrum, by any chance?

fairyo's picture

I don't know if it is 'normal' or not but I'm sure my BS and my ex do not behave in this way. My son once spoke to me about his sex life and I shut him up with a clear 'too much information.'
Personally, I think it's slightly creepy. I know my SS doesn't do it with DH and if I found porn anywhere near my DH's phone or PC I would not like it at all.
However, there may be those who think it's ok for men to interact this way- it's just I don't know any.
As before, you have to trust your gut feeling on this one- how you deal with it is another issue.
I'm not sure that having disengaged I would want to be looking at DH's phone but maybe he wanted you to see it? Once you've seen it you have two options:

Tell him you've seen it and that it upset you- apologise for looking at his phone but just say calmly that you found it disturbing. Then wait for DH to explain without interrupting and listen to what he says and how he behaves.

Or- pretend you never saw it an get on with your life- maybe it won't happen again, but how will you now if you don't look?

I think it will always bother you, so maybe a short conversation rather than confrontation may settle your mind.

marblefawn's picture

Kids talking to parents about their sex lives!!! I can't imagine! I think it's one thing to talk about your sex life with a parent - maybe needing advice or feeling unsure. Some parents might feel good about it, like they'd rather help their kid make good choices, but it's certainly not a discussion for all parents! In OP's case, I'd put this in a different category - sharing porn isn't really a good thing between parent and child no matter how you spin it.

A friend recently had to deal with her nephew bringing a "third party" into his relationship with his boyfriend. I was surprised at my friend's intolerant reaction, considering so many of our friends are not only in gay relationships, but "alternative" gay relationships (I guess that's a thing now, right?). I think this was just too much information to know about her nephew!

stephanie1012's picture

It creeps me out too. I have talks with my girls about safe sex etc.. but no details or sex jokes or anything like that. I think it's just bizarre.

In this case I think it's the son who's trying to engage the father and the father doesn't want to be engaged. The son sent the pic but the father did not reply to it. The son makes the jokes and the father tells him to stop. In my presence the father has never tried to engage or encourage the son. I don't know what happens when I'm not there.

marblefawn's picture

Ewwww, weird. But normal? Maybe. Maybe there was a time when your BF was single and he talked this way with his son. But if SS is an adult (a "real" adult not 18 years, but socially mature), he should have the social skills to know not to speak that way in front of you or others.

I wonder if he's trying to shock or get a rise out of you or his father by talking that way in front of you. But you weren't supposed to know about the porn, suggesting this is acceptable to his dad and maybe they exchanged this sort of thing.

On the creepiest end, SS doesn't have a thing for you, does he? I think most kids are disgusted at the thought of their parents having any kind of sex life. It's an odd dynamic. If he's a Disney dad, though, maybe he thought this was an OK way to relate to his kid. My SD asked my husband to dispose of a bong after a weekend with her girlfriends. I was shocked and flipped out on him - my parents were not my friends, so it's hard for me to imagine these relationships.

stephanie1012's picture

I'm going to go with no, they didn't exchange porn. My bf seems embarrassed every time his son says something sexual but, par for the course, he brushes it off with an excuse that he's just being a guy. I have brothers. I never heard them say anything like that in front of me or my mom.

marblefawn's picture

Sounds like he's pushing boundaries. Maybe you should admit you saw the message and tell your husband it's not a great idea in this day and age to have porn on your phone. You just don't know anymore how this stuff can bite you. As his girlfriend, you don't want your BF ending up being a headline. Teachers, judges, lawyers, government workers and so many other jobs could be jeopardized. And you just don't know how this creeps in to other places with technology so linked. What if he sends a photo of an underage person? Just so you know, to be fair, I used to be a reporter, so I see everything in terms of headlines about people who never dreamed they'd become a headline.

0328sac's picture

That's just odd to me. It makes me uncomfortable to think about my parents getting it on, so to send something that may encourage or excite makes me nauseated to imagine....but they're my parents not one of my girlfriends.