Thank You! I Now Know My Options!
Hello all! I am new here and am SO thrilled to read about the option of disengaging.
2018 started out poorly for me. I am not a SM, but have been dating my DH for 2 1/2 years and have been in his two sons' lives for 2. They are 12 (going shortly on 13-OH NO!) and 10. He has 50% custody, actively co-parents, pays CS, and has an amiable relationship with BM. She is civil enough to me, but has made it clear that I am only really welcome when I am doing her a favor (pick ups, drop offs, and other accommodations I have made for her schedule when DH is absolutely not available to take my place).
I began this relationship as I believe most SMs or those in SM roles begin them- trying to delicately balance being active and attentive in my new SS's lives without completely taking on BM's role and stepping on her toes. I listened to their stories, helped them with homework, played games with them and took them on special outings, bought them gifts for Christmas, their birthdays, and sometimes just because, and, most demandingly, made great efforts to help his eldest with an eating disorder. I'd buy new foods, have him help me cook, would sit there patiently for literally hours as he nibbled like a rat at an apple slice. DH became upset seeing how much time, effort, and money I was putting into this for his son to not even try and finally asked that I stop altogether. That is something else important to mention that I do not see in many of these threads- DH is an active father who does not expect me to do anything for his boys, so that is nice.
While I do enjoy the younger SS, the elder's behavior and the two of them together bickering has me losing my marbles. Although little SS is only an occasional spoiled brat, big SS is an aloof, lazy, mean-spirited, and entitled little snot who needs to have his arm twisted to say "Thank you" to me. He makes a point not to look me in the eye, never says a word of welcoming, says hateful things to his brother and father, and groans EVERY SINGLE TIME we try to do a fun activity outside of staring at a computer or phone or TV screen together. I feel so badly for DH because BM is so consistent in her undermining his disciplinary actions. She facilitates the boys' worst behavior, and for a person who grew up in a house where disrespect was absolutely NOT tolerated, it has taken a real emotional toll on me to stand by and watch it happen.
For the longest time, I rationalized this as "teenager-hood" and his own difficulty with his eating disorder, but regardless of motivation I have decided I am no longer willing to be a martyr for this disrespectful and unpleasant human form in my home. My successes and joys (birthdays, new jobs, fun trips) are never recognized by my SS's, (that is partly DH's job to remind them- they are self-centered young children) so I have made it a point to stop celebrating their own. I had lost the best parts of myself in trying to care for people who did not care for me. I thought I was done with my SS's AND DH. You can't have one without the other- right?
I felt a break come on New Year's Day. I was with DH at BM's house while her and SS's were on vacation. DH offered to feed and watch their cat for a day and when BM found out I was there, she said she wasn't comfortable with me in her house (although I have been welcome in the past when I am watching her sons while she is out or busy with work). F- me, right? I (and my family and friends who have been overwhelmingly sweet and accommodating- inviting the boys to gatherings and getting them Christmas presents when they hardly know them) only care for these two half time but I am not welcome in your home a few hours to clean up your cat's leavings? I felt rejected. I was not a part of the family. I was always going to be an outsider and, I was never going to be as loved or accepted simply because I was not the one to get knocked up. I felt hated for being me- for merely existing, and that was NOT O.K.
I was so close to leaving their father when I stumbled upon this site, particularly this forum, and found that I have an alternative. I will leave BM and her SS's, but not the man I love. I am so thankful for that.
Greetings IWS! I was just
Greetings IWS!
I was just messaging a member here, about that very same thing. I found this board in October of 2016. And it truly helped me - all the valuable insight, the empathy, the knowledge that someone was listening and understanding and that I wasn't crazy. I described it as the "world went light, and angels sang".
You are in a tough spot. Sometimes it is as simple as "do I stay, or do I leave?"
Basically, does your sweety back you up? If yes, then people most of the time decide to stay. You really cant do it alone, you should not be alone, with all this. I disengaged from Winona SD18 when she was 17, and it was incredible how much better our relationship became. We are civil. That is all I need. She has a job and has moved out. We never see her. That is fine with me. She is a sick, toxic person, with a sick and toxic BM. I went through the divorce with my SO. It was ugly. Went through many drama-filled nights because of her and her abusive alcoholic boyfriend (now ex).
I can tell you - things do get better in time, and disengaging is hard. You might meet with resistance, or they might not notice (I didnt get recognized anyway, so it was no big deal). I still struggle with my authority being questioned, but it is getting stronger with time. If things don't get better it is a good time to reevaluate your life and consider what needs to change. This board was a lifesaver, so welcome!
I got into a relationship
I got into a relationship with my boyfriend because he is a good person. We are different, but compliment each other in many ways.
If he did not support me or place time and value in our relationship, I would not stick around. I felt conflict because he IS so supportive of my feelings and advice and also takes responsibility for his sons (thank god!).
I want him but do not want to watch myself turn into a husk of a person as I give and give and give to SS's who are more than willing to take and coolly watch me waste away. At the best, (the elder SS in particular) is cold toward me/ disinterested in me, at the worst, he makes me so upset I feel physically ill. In a move of self-preservation, and anticipating the teen and young adulthood years will only bring worse and more destructive behavior, I am distancing myself from that whirlwind.
We'll see how it goes. I am not anticipating it will be easy, but we SM's/ semi-SM's do not have a history of making choices that yield the easiest outcomes.
A real tough brood!
So, BM expected you to spend
So, BM expected you to spend NYD alone because DH was doing her a favor? What a twat. My DH would not do her any more favors.
In many ways, you can count
In many ways, you can count yourself lucky that your DH is an active father and doesn't expect you to "play mommy". It is nice that you have made attempts with the boys and in the end, it may be more teenager malaise than anything that makes them behave the way they do. Sure, a bit of their mom's attitude might come through, but teens are pretty much tough to be around.. I think it's natures way of creating conflict so that the young will get "kicked out of the nest" so to speak.
I personally would not have been offended by BM not wanting me in her home when she wasn't there. But it is odd that she was ok with it prior and tbh, even a bit odd that your DH is still doing her favors like cleaning the cat litter box. Honestly, that is such a quick task, I would have sat in the car myself while he did it..lol.
I guess my advice would be to do things for the kids only if you feel like it. In the end, as they mature, they may realize the efforts you made. Kids can be verrrry self centered and eventually they may wise up. lol.
As for cat lady BM... in the future, I would encourage your DH to tell her that if she is worried about who is in her home.. she should find someone else to be her cat maid.
I think this will be a mild
I think this will be a mild or semi-disengagement. Their behavior is not over the moon obnoxious or destructive, but it has taken a lot out of me, and I feel very unhappy. I also probably over-involved myself with BM at the get-go, but now I know a bit better and am happy to have no relationship with her whatsoever.
You are on the right foot
You are on the right foot with this. It is rough.
You will find that you will be in a position that you will need to do some things you wish you didn't have to do; especially with skids at this age.
Handling it with class and staying disengaged will be forever, let me tell you. How you handle the situations, as they occur, will be the answer to YOUR happiness.
Good luck
((((hugs))))