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I left my husband and I’m 8 months pregnant. Anybody been through this?

MomOfTwo1313's picture

If you read my previous blog things haven’t been easy. Not before my pregnancy and during. Got worse when we moved to his babymamas city to be closer to his kids. I recently left him... I got upset because I’m always taking care of my step kids for him and his ex. They take advantage (see previos blog). We got in a fight the morning I left because he made breakfast for his kids and not my 12 year old son. When I asked him why he went off! Asked me if we were going to have a f-ing problem and I said yes! And he told me to get the f out! So as I was grabbing my close from the closet he ripped them out of my hands as I was still trying to hold on to them and he scratches me in the process a d pushed me. Then he got my pregnancy clothes I was taking with me and ripped them and put the rest In the running shower. He took my car keys and credit cards out of my purse and said they were his even though he gave me the car and I help him run the family business besides all the babysitting I do for him and his ex that he communicates with behind my back. I had to call my mom to pick me and my son up and took whatever I could at the time. He took my house keys as well. He told me nobody was going to want my disgusting stretched out “pu***” after I had our baby trying to make me feel disgusting which it worked. Now he’s texting that he loves me and misses me and when I reject him he turns abhsive and rude again. He was never like this up until a year ago. He changed after a year of marriage and I think nabymama has a lot to do with it. I’m so hurt... i just can’t imagine when the baby is born. I need advice on what my next step should be... I know he will keep persuing and I have to be strong. I’m so hurt an angry but I love him.. I’m so torn and hormonal.. anybody been through this? :?

Comments

BethAnne's picture

You are doing great to have gotten out of there and to continue to reject him and his manipulative ways. You can do this. It sounds like your mom is there to help you, which is great.

Personally I have not had any kids so I have not been in you position, but I know there are a number of women on here who have left bad relationships and a few who were pregnant or with young kids too.

This post from the other day is full of women leaving men and bad relationships: https://www.steptalk.org/node/243074 They are inspirational to me and I hope that they give you hope and confidence too that you can do this.

Hopefully a few of these women (and some others) will be able to give you some practical advice.

For now I would block your ex's number so that he cannot continue to try to manipulate you. Give yourself some space and a little time to work out a path forwards. Or at least your next step and how to get through tomorrow.

Amcc13's picture

Have you filed a police report on this incident ? That he ripped the clothes took all your stuff and that he pushed a pregnant lady ?
File a police report
Document everything from the last year that has occurred
Document all the services you have provided to the business
Call a divorce attorney
And obv keep all the text messages where he is telling you it is your fault he is abusive

I would never go back and I would want him to have as little to do with baby as possible - you would be worried about the damage he could do to baby

I hope that you will move forward with your life and enjoy your children and family and never ever ever go back to this guy

MomOfTwo1313's picture

Thank you for your advise. I was going to file one and he said that if I did he would file one on me too because I taught back to defend myself. He had his son tell me that he saw my putting hands on his dad and not the other way around. Which broke my heart considering I have scratches and marks from when he was ripping the clothes from my hand. Then he told me he was goin to go to jail if I did and he would lose his kids and they need him right now. I just took my things and left... I was so hurt and emotional I didn’t want any more drama. I found a llantera and he wants a 2500 retainser which I sont have. I don’t have access to any money considering he took everything away. My son and I are at my moms with the Little I took, no money, no car and I’m due anytime now. He’s living there with the house I found for us, with the business I helped him build, having his son lie to him after all I did for them. I’m in a nightmare right now.

keepitsimplestupid's picture

Contact an attorney ASAP. You have a right to not be thrown out of your home with your child. How long have you been married?

Amcc13's picture

Who cares if he loses his kids ? He attacked you and could potential attack them so they are in danger!
You need to file the report now while you are covered in scrapes so that there is evidence

Maxwell09's picture

File the police report, you’ve actually already damaged his kids by arguing and fighting in front of him anyway so you might as well protect yourself by filing with the police. You should also tell them that he has the kid ready to lie for him and he’s tried to both blackmail you and guilt you into not filing.

Don’t go back. His kids will never respect you now that they’ve seen their father push you around like garbage. Your son will never look up to him or see him as a father figure now that he’s witnessed him put hands on you and his unborn sibling. It’s best if you separate now and set some ground work for when the baby arrives.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

For a year and 1/2... I can’t afford the rent by myself. Him and his ex babymama that caused a huge pact in our marriage will be helping him soon enough. I know they have plans of their own.

ownpersonalopinion1's picture

Hugs to you. You seem to have a level head. You know what you need to do. Just stay strong, especially have the baby is born. After that, you concentrate on whats best for you and your children. Take care.

hereiam's picture

Chances are, he did not change, you just did not know the real him. Remember that when you think about how much you love him.

Do what you need to do for you and yours, do not worry about how it will affect him, he should have thought about that before he assaulted you.

ndc's picture

Stay strong! You're doing the right thing by getting out. I'm glad your mom is there to help. Contact a good lawyer ASAP.

Delta's picture

Oh my god! What an absolute abusive piece of garbage! Please don't allow yourself to get sucked back in by his apologies. My blood boiled when I read your post. Don't trick yourself into thinking its hormones because you seem to be seeing things clearly to me. File a police report. You have been battered and abused, and at 8 months pregnant no less. There should be victim advocates available to help guide you through the process of getting yourself and children established in a safe and stable living situation. Stay strong and be proud of yourself for letting him, your children and yourself know that you WILL NOT STAND for being abused. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

FrenchPeas's picture

You need to go to the police and file a report and photograph the injuries. He’s full of crap. He won’t file on you as he is already in trouble for drugs and has a history of domestics violence and mess. He’s an idiot

Police report
Photos
Women’s shelter to file for a PROTECTIVE ORDER. Not a RO.
They can also help with an attorney - some states waive the waiting period on a divorce due to abuse
File for child support or Medicaid
Police Escort to the house to get your things. Do not go alone.
Block any numbers for him
Stop blaming the baby mama. This guy is an abusive loser POS

Here is a to do list. Nice how he blames you for it. Typical abusive a-hole. Leave them to their crap life. You keep away from him and don’t let him know when the baby is born.

still learning's picture

Consult an attorney and at least file for a legal separation. Also file for spousal support and calculate and file for child support for when the baby is born. I've been in a DV situation and it does not get better on it's own. I was shoved, pushed and even had a chair pulled out from under me by exH when I was 8 mos pregnant. It was a horrible time, I stuck w/him and it only got worse. When the youngest was 3 I ran from the house to a neighbors after a violent physical altrication then got a restraining order.

Do not see him at all, send someone to pick up your stuff. If he says he wants you back tell him that he has to do the work to change. He must get counseling for DV, parenting classes, and marital counseling. If he refuses then any consideration for reconcilation is off the table.

Thank god for your mother. Be strong for yourself and your child. You will get through this.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Twas me who ended a marriage 7 months pregnant with my third daughter exactly 9 years ago.

So here is my advice to you and it's good advice. I'm on the other side. I did it. I did it with a little girl who was 15 months old and one who was 3.

1) still call the police. You should have called the police right then and there. He would have gone to jail. Not you. They would have thrown him out of the house. Trust me. I worked for 16 years for law enforcement. You would have completely had the upper hand. Tell them about the taking away of your keys and cards and your clothes to prevent you from leaving. Tell them how he prevented you from calling 911.

2) Get an attorney ASAP. I had to borrow about $3,500 from relatives. I saw my attorney days after my incident. It was scary, yes. But I got good advice on how to protect myself. I was divorced by July. I had to wait until my baby was born which was March 31st.

3) Take care of yourself! You are pregnant! I ended up in the hospital due to the stress of it all. I had a Huge hospital bill added into my lap. I now have four daughters. The first was 9 lbs. The second one was 8 lbs. My fourth one is 10 lbs. And the third one that I was pregnant with during all that stress was 6 lbs! Start lining up who is going to be with you in the delivery room. I got a friend.

4) Read this. https://markmanson.net/love THis was life changing for me. "BUT I LOVE HIM!" was me too. Love is not enough and you need to realize that. Your happiness and the happiness of your children as well as your physical well being and emotional well being are all at risk here. You married a class A Abusive a$$hole. You bred with a f*cktard. That's ok. I did it too. Lots of people here have. Which brings me to my second resource. WWW.chumplady.com Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life is the name of her website. Maybe he isn't a cheater but he probably is. READ< READ< AND READ some more there. Get her books. Read all the comments from her posters at the bottom of her daily blogs and articles. You will find out what happens when you delay the inevitable and stay with your f*cktard. Tremendous resource. Read about the pick me dance and cake and triangulation and gas lighting and don't stay with that guy. Thirdly, stay here. On this site. Even when you aren't a stepmother anymore. These ladies are awesome. I've had my "BUT I LOVE HIM!" weaknesses too. They have talked me down from my stupid.

5) Line up some resources. Your probably going to have to put your baby in daycare and work. I have a daughter who is 3 right now in daycare. Get a job. Gain skills and benefits and climb the career ladder. You are going to have support your kids.
Research all the resources that are available to you be it WIC, foodstamps, reduced child care, child support, free legal aid, etc.

6) Get smart. You are going to have to be really, really smart and resourceful. You won't believe all the things I can do and have learned. I can take a 50 cent Mystery machine from Scooby Doo at a yard sale and make $50 from it on ebay. I breastfed my child and sold those formula coupons on ebay for cash. I learned how to buy a crap load of groceries by stacking manufacturing, store, and competitor coupons. I learned how to get in a babysitting swap program. I have learned how to contest. You would not believe the amount of things and money I make by contesting. I won Ed Sheeran concert tickets Monday. If I want, I can sell them for $270 or I can give them to my daughter for her birthday. Yesterday I won tickets to the Lion King musical. Last week I was treated to a $500 spa day that I won back in December. Next weekend we are going to Universal Studios for free. I go on the websites for all the radio stations in my town and the next town over and I learn of their contests and I call all the time and enter everything. I don't win a lot but you know, I WIN A LOT TOO! Stub hub told me I made $2,000 in six moneys on concert tickets I sold. I probably made that much on Craigslist and ebay too. That's how I pay for Christmas and birthdays and our fun times.Or we just go to the things I win. Contesting is my thing but you will find your thing. Join a single mom or even just a mom group for playdates and meet friends.

7) Leave that sorry, sorry man. I'm 42 with four kids that I had all vaginally. I heard that loose p*(^& comment too. You know what? I get asked out. I do. I even repartnered for awhile with a man with two teens. Step life was more than I could bare so I'm single again but I'm still happy. I still get asked out at 42 with four kids. I just choose to be myself right now. You have to learn to fix your broken picker before you repartner. You have to learn to love yourself and support and be a rock for your kids. You don't want your son modeling your husband's abusive behavior. NO YOU DO NOT!

SMto2's picture

WOW! I just want to give you a slow clap, followed by a hug! You are an amazing woman and mother and a true inspiration. I hope the OP and any other members of this board who are in abusive relationships read this and heed your advice. Your daughters are so blessed to have you as their mother.

Delta's picture

Wow...incredibly inspiring story. Gives me hope that we can not only escape abuse and survive, but really thrive. Thanks for that

tigerlily74's picture

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER: You are simply awesome. What wonders some brains, common sense and a good attitude can achieve! Thank you for sharing!

mommadukes2015's picture

Oh sweetheart.

1. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

2. If he's that prone to outbursts like that he can't be trusted around a vulnerable baby.

3. Don't listen to a word he said about you. He's an a$$hole.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

First thing Monday go to your bank in person and take out at least 1/2 of what is in every account. No one is going to judge if you take more than half. Tell them you lost your credit card and need another one. Ask them to freeze the card you lost.

Get your own cell phone, maybe you can get on Mom's plan. If you share a plan with him, he will be able to track who you are calling.

Contact the police and make a report about the violence. Tell them you need a "civil assist" to return to your home and get your personal things. Go with some friends or relatives and get as much of your stuff as you can. Get all your important papers: birth certificate, marriage certificate, bank and insurance statements, mortgage or lease documents.

Start calling divorce lawyers and tell them your story. You should be able to find one who will help you for a reduced fee. Beg or borrow the money for an attorney. You need one.

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for more help 1-800-799-7233

DaniAM73's picture

Hats off to you. You did a wonderful thing by leaving, for all of you.

Please do not let him make you feel bad about leaving. He is just angry that you left. Stay gone.

I can't tell you enough of what a wonderful thing you did.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

Thank you so much everybody for the advise and kind words. I’m still at my moms and struggling with no car or credit cards. He’s still texting me that he misses me and loves me. He has not received an responses from me. Too hurt to even think about giving him that satisfaction. He’s also having his son trying to call me from his phone which I didn’t pick up either. This is so fresh I’m just so overwhelmed. I have to switch my son schools and set everything up over where my mom lives but it will take sometime. I saw a lawyer and he wants 2,500 but I don’t have friends or family to help me out like that. I think once I file it will be an emotional detachments for me and a push to keep going. I can’t imagine going back. Him drunk in the garage till 3:00am keeping me up with his texts complaining about his kids mom and how he’s never able to make anybody happy. Or him allowing his ex to drop off the kids at my house because she needs time to herself and her bf while he comes home late having a beer and having some me time to himself. Or having family bbq and friends sleeping over drinking until 3 in the morning almost every weekend while I become the designated driver to bring more beer for them. Then I just go to bed and fall asleep on my own until he comes up against 3 am waking me up knowing it’s hard for me to fall asleep. He was upset when I found out I was pregnant saying that he just got more custody of his kids and I was going to slack off in the business and it wasn’t fair for him. I left him at the time too when he said “let’s say we do keep this fu** baby. He went to 3/8 doc appointments and had me alone like a crazy maniac trying to be seen by a doctor because I didn’t have insurance. I did everything by myself. This pregnancy has been hell with him. Some good times yea. But the bad overwhelms the good.

hereiam's picture

I did everything by myself.

You were already alone in this, you just had the added stress of a drunk, his kids, and his ex to deal with. It won't be easy but you can do this.

If you live in an area where there are shelters for abused women, they can be great resources for support, not only emotionally but financially, as well. There are people and groups out there who will help you. Women's groups, churches, charities.

I can imagine how overwhelmed you feel, just take it one step at a time. The important thing is that you, your son, and you unborn baby are safe.

Your husband having his son call you says a lot about him. Or do you think it's your husband using his son's phone, hoping you will answer? Either way, he's going to try to manipulate and/or bully you because you leaving him, puts him in a spot. Who will watch and take care of his kids? Who will drive when he is drunk, get him his beer?

Is the car he gave you in your name?

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

I know you’re right. The car is under his name but has another one under his name as well that he uses. Much newer of course. But he gave me this car when we got married and told me to give the car so I gave my old car to my parents which never kept up with it so it’s barely working. I don’t know how to prove that he gave it to me. Non the less I have no car

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Get your car when you get your things. You are married and it will be considered marital property, no matter what name is on the title.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

Even if he purchased it before he met me? He gave it to me when we got married. He bought himself a new one and gave me his old one

Disneyfan's picture

Dont waste your time fighting over stuff.

The only thing you should fight for is for him to HELP support the baby. The rest is just stuff that can be replaced later on.

CLove's picture

MomofTWo - you are so brave! You will survive and thrive, it will not be easy, but you can do it.

I too left an abusive situation, and am now in a wonderful relationship. I was with my ex fiance for 8 years, and the last year and a half he was abusive. Its a long story. But he would drink all night, wake me up, shake me, yell at me, and call me names. The next morning he did not recall any of this.

I left after an incident where I was trying to record him being drunk and aggressive, and he came at me like a bull. He threw my phone in the toilet, slammed me against the wall, choked me, slammed my head against the wall and punched me in the stomach.

I got a replacement phone, and moved out the next day. I had no job. I had a car. My clothing, my bruises. I moved to my parents house. Gradually my employment has improved and I met and moved in with a wonderful man, who is going to buy a house with me. We have many issue with his eldest, but she moved out and is working.

Stay strong!!!!!! You are starting a new life, with new people, new routines, and will be having a baby soon! That is a wonderful thing and you will be so cared for and loved now that you are out of that toxic life you were living previously.

Good luck!