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Future SD very clingy to father, is this normal at this age?

kiki625's picture

This is my first post and am really in need of advice. I met a wonderful man nearly two years ago with 3 children, a boy (19) and two girls (18 and 15). They are all wonderful children; I feel very fortunate. I do not see them much as we don't live together and I work and attend school in the evenings, plus I have 3 boys of my own.

My concern is about SD15 who is very affectionate and clingy to her father. Disclaimer: I am not jealous in any way at all. I encourage my fiance to spend as much time with them as possible, especially the youngest, SD15. I totally understand that they have a special bond; he is a wonderful father. All that said, is it normal for her to follow him around the house, put her head in his lap, hang on to him, hold his hand, and attempt to hug him (most times from behind) sometimes 30 times a day? I absolutely believe it is a necessity to show physical affection to our children: hugs, kisses, etc. She always needs to be next to him at the couch, at dinner, anywhere. My fiance said she has been clingy since she was 5, but I am concerned that there is something else going on here. One theory is that she is worried about losing her father to me, but the reality is that I am rarely around and I would never want her to feel that way. We don't live together and with our schedules, I might see her once a month. Her father and I will not be getting married until she graduates in 3 years because we thought it was best for our kids. She lives with him 50% of the time but also sees him on the off week due to sports, activities, etc. She is a very intelligent girl who excels at anything she does in sports, etc., so I am concerned about the behavior that does not seem age appropriate. I would like to help in any way I can. My fiance is starting to get annoyed with the constant hanging on but has felt that she must need it. This weekend at a family gathering, he counted the number of times she interrupted him when talking to others so she could hug him, hang on him, hold his hand, etc. It was nearly 30 times in about 5 hours. When we all held hands for a blessing she flew across the room moving several people out of her way so she could grab his hand. Afterwards he said that was the most clinginess there had ever been and that he thought she had been getting better.

Could anyone shed any light here? Is there anything that I can do that I am not doing? Please help! Thank you in advance!

mro's picture

I don't think it's healthy, no. Your issue is with him. It sounds like he thinks it's ok, if he hasn't put a stop to it. No, it won't stop when she turns 18 or graduates and I doubt she will be moving out at that time either.

SacrificialLamb's picture

If he does not address it, she will still be doing it in her 40's. Trust me.

She has an issue that is making her this needy. As her parent, he needs to address it.

Right now, he is:

1. letting his ego get stroked because he is adored by multiple females
2. afraid to upset her
3. a lazy parent
4. a guilty daddy
5. all of the above

Kes's picture

It might be normal for a 5 year old, but even then, it is a bit excessive. At 15, she should be hanging out with her peers, making the transition from dependence on parents to interdependence with people of her own age. At 15, I didn't even want to be seen with my parents in public.

Like Sacrificial Lamb said, he is encouraging it by not discouraging it - for his own selfish reasons, I'm sure. He should be gently but firmly pushing her away so that she can start the move towards independence in coming years.

kiki625's picture

Many thanks to all of your for your feedback; I really needed it. Fiance said he is going to sit her down and have a talk with her about the clinginess, boundaries, etc. He said it will be handled in the next day or so. It has taken a huge toll on our relationship and it will take me some time to get over it. Stay tuned......

Old sm's picture

You said the clinginess started around age 5? Was that about the time the marriage to her mom started falling apart? Maybe the kid has abandonment issues.