BM will not give BF a divorce
So I have been with my BF for almost a year. He has been legally separated from BM for 3 years in March. He has tried several time to get the divorce taken care of on a "friendly" note with his ex. (as in he did not take it to court he simply has tried to just resolve it between the 2 of them) Every attempt he has made she has argued with him over every little thing especially when it comes to the 3 kids (he has full custody of them and she lives in in another state). Finally he has decided to file the divorce through the courts. we went through the sheriff dept. in the state she lives to have her served and she has done everything in her power to avoid being served. When he texts her in regards to the situation she gives the whole pity me party crap. (we test for proof of the conversation because she notorious for twisting what was really said into something that is so far from the truth it would make you sick) So needless to say this could be an ugly on going thing for many more years to come.(at least that is how I am starting to feel) I guess my question is how long do I do this? Is there a point where I am suppose to walk away and let him figure this out and get his life back from her? I know that sounds so harsh and makes me sound like I don't care or love him..... I so do and I honestly would love to marry this man and spend my life with him. Maybe I just need some encouraging words.....
You have to set your own
You have to set your own limit on this based on all the variables of the situation. Love isn't enough to keep a relationship going.
If I were in your situation,
If I were in your situation, I'd break off the relationship until he's legally divorced. I bet he finds a way pretty quickly to get her served! If not, well, is he really someone you want in your life?
i agree with this. until the
i agree with this.
until the divorce is final you are just a mistress.
no rights and no reason to expect anything. you dont get any rights over the children or anything else.
Instead of going through the
Instead of going through the sheriff's dept., he should look into hiring an actual process server where she lives. Shop around, prices vary.
Where I live, the sheriff's dept. is not worth jack when it comes to serving somebody. We tried having BM served to terminate CS, the sheriff's dept couldn't (wouldn't) get the job done in the 30 days, so we hired a process server and boom, 2 days she was served. And it was the cheapest server I found (50 bucks), he was awesome.
Only you can say if you should walk away, at this point. What does your gut tell you?
If you had just met him, I would tell you to not get involved until he has this taken care of but that's harder to do when you've already fallen in love. Harder, but not impossible. There are good reasons to leave somebody that you love.
Are there truly issues that could make the divorce drag out for years? Does he legally have full custody already? Do they own property together?
If he falls for any of her bull or manipulations, instead of moving forward, then, yes, I would leave and let him sort it out. Love is not always enough and you've been patient so far but don't let him get comfortable with that. You don't want to be dating a married man forever, legally separated or not.
The Sheriff's department in
The Sheriff's department in OP's State, usually have a staff with a "Process Server" on board. Just depends on how aggressive the Process Server is. I would look for an aggressive server.
If he is putting of getting
If he is putting of getting the divorce moving and is not doing what he can to get it sorted then yes I would take that as a sign that he is not committed to a future with you. I would start to make plans to be more independent of him and if necessary to leave him. It is disrespectful to you for him to not do whatever he can to get divorced. If the sherif cannot manage to serve his ex then I am sure he can hire someone who can. Divorces are not always easy or quick but some movement beyond writing up the paperwork should have happened after 3 years. Do not get pulled into helping him work these things out. This is his job to do and his alone. Just make your position very clear and pull back until he pulls his weight in getting things moving. I would also put off moving in with him (if you haven’t already) or making any other plans for the future with him until it is all sorted and the judge signs the final divorce decree.
Perfect Reply!
Perfect Reply!
She doesn’t have to. He can
She doesn’t have to.
He can do it all on his own, he just doesn’t want too.
What are the state laws
What are the state laws regarding automatic divorce default?
There are more than one way to skin a cat.
Just saying.
Maybe the ex wants to contest this?????? and now that your boyfriend is with you, well that can be a huge problem.
Dating and especially
Dating and especially cohabitating with married people is a bad idea all around. No one needs a man that bad that they can’t wait. Or can’t find single men. And if you really like that man it’s ok to wait until he is single.
My Ex would not sign the
My Ex would not sign the divorce papers for two years. Finally the Judge ordered a mediation and the court issued my divorce. The Judge ordered the divorce final and signed the papers for me. There was no property settlement, because our home had been sold and we divided our personal items. My DH was divorced, so no issues there.
Your BF could visit a Victims Advocate or Attorney Advocate office to see what can be done; he should also draw up custody papers, even though he has custody at the time. Everything should be in writing. Most Advocate offices are free or a very low fee.
Good Luck to him.
The Court system is slow, but it works. If you have been together for almost a year, it shouldn't be too much to take it slow and let the Judge work it out. You probably need to live with this man for a while anyway, to be sure you want to go this direction with him. DH and I lived together for two years, while I was resolving my divorce issues; it was a good "getting acquainted" period and was needed, because we had our grown kids, teen kids, and 18 month old SGS to work into the equation.
Good Luck to you too.
I was with my SO for 1 1/2
I was with my SO for 1 1/2 before he started divorce process. He was getting up into the 10-year mark (social security benefits would be better for her, and alimony in perpetuity), and things got very ugly. We found a paralegal and she walked him through the entire process. Everyone around him was urging him to finish the process. He was slow about it, because he knew for certain it would be ugly and he wanted to put off paying her alimony. Well, his hoop-jumping paid off, because he only pays 300 alimony and no child support.
But the point is, going through this process with him? Would I have done the same thing had I the opportunity to do it over? Heck no. Not even if he had a golden dinger. I love the man dearly, but no divorce, no clove. I think you should run (ie be friends, dont move in...). Let him figure it out. Find your way to happiness independently.
And well, sweety, you cant marry him - he is already married!!!!!
Good luck. I wish I could be more encouraging than that for you. But seriously - I have been through this. Its hard, especially with children involved.
He can pursue Ex Parte. Look
He can pursue Ex Parte. Look up the States guidance....It sounds like he just doesn't want the financial burden of an attorney. There are many ways to approach dissolving a marriage, even if it is contested or ignored by the other party, It IS expensive, and probably the reason he isn't pursuing it.