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I need advice!!

CSMof3's picture

I remarried a few years ago. Shortly after we married, my husband got custody of his three young children. It was totally unexpected but definitely the right thing to do for the children. My husband works very long hours with a weird schedule and is the main financial provider for our home. I also work outside the home and bring a healthy, regular financial contribution.
The problem is that because of my husband's work schedule, I feel like a single mom to these three children that, biologically, aren't mine. Bio-mom is in the picture and lives locally, but she is so hateful/angry/mean that we avoid interacting with her as much as possible. I love my husband and I love the kids, but I don't love this situation. There really isn't anything he can do to his schedule that would make much of an impact (go in an hour earlier/later, etc. wouldn't help). I really resent my situation and would like some new perspective, so I'm hoping someone here has some ideas to share.
Thanks in advance...CSMof3

advice.only2's picture

What are the things you feel you are lacking at this point? Alone time with spouse, personal alone time, personal space, a break from being a full time parent?

I would look at one thing that can realistically be changed and make that a priority...like maybe spouse picks kids up one day a week (again if it's practical), or you get one hour of alone time and spouse takes the kids someplace else, or make sure they leave you alone. Set that goal and that boundary, once it's established, then you can start expanding.

CSMof3's picture

All of the above are lacking. My husband works so much that he only gets about 6 1/2 hours of sleep per day as it is ... and that's bc I wake him up to tuck the kids in bed ( he would get 7 hours if I didn't get him up). Otherwise he would not see them at all on a daily basis, only me. I have a biological child who is an adult. I've started all over but with someone else's children. I don't like it and I have struggled with this situation for several years now. I love him and I feel like the kids need me...but I don't want the job.

ESMOD's picture

What would your DH do if you were not in the picture? How would the kids be cared for?

On the other side of that coin...

What would your living standard be if you were not married to him? Do you enjoy a better lifestyle (ignoring the kid issue lol) than you could on your own.

Does your DH have any options with his work? Could he work a different job, less hours and if he did would your lifestyle change and could you accept that change?

Is there any way the kids could be enrolled in an afterschool daycare program (or hire a nanny of sorts0 to watch the kids. Could the kids spend more time with mom after school and Dad could get them on way home from work?

Is there another family member that could pitch in with kid care? MIL?

CSMof3's picture

My husband would not have custody if I weren't in the picture. He has no family in this country. NONE. I could certainly survive on my own but, yes, my lifestyle is very comfortable with us together. He has worked for the same company for 20 years on two continents. He's not changing jobs, probably ever. I actually did hire some afternoon help a while back and biomom nutted up when she found out. She wants custody of the kids back (not a healthy situation for the kids). Husband works nights and sleeps during the day.

ESMOD's picture

TBH, I don't think that if he were to hire some help for your that it should make any difference in the custody issues as it sounds like the reason why your DH got custody was due to issues related to his EX. They already gave him custody knowing he would only see the kids an hour or so a day anyway...lol.

I do think it would be a good idea like 99 mentioned to as him for solutions. It sounds like getting some help to care for the kids IS a financial possibility. The EXwife can't prevent the guy from hiring a housekeeper right? I mean, having someone in the home from 3 to 8 to do "housework" (including kid watching..lol)... isn't abusive. Plus, I am guessing you would still generally BE there too.

CSMof3's picture

Having someone there to watch the kids seems wasteful to me. Yes, I would be there as a general rule. I can't justify me sitting around while we pay someone to do what I COULD be doing for free. I think that's part of why I'm so frustrated. It makes the most sense for ME to do all these things. I just don't want to! I have an adult child. I've raised her (mostly on my own) and she is awesome. I thought I was done.

BethAnne's picture

Just because you could do it doesn’t mean you have to. If you doing it all is causing issues in your marriage then the best answer may be to pay someone else to do it.

ESMOD's picture

As BethAnne said... just because you "can" doesn't mean it's an obligation.

I get it. I mean, why hire someone to mow your lawn when you are capable? Why not just watch the kids because you "are there anyway and your DH can't be".

The reality is that caring for three elementary age kids that are unrelated to you is HARD... especially after you have already worked a long day.. and you already raised "your kid".

My brother works from home. Yet, he and his wife hired a nanny for the first 3.5 years of the kid's life (until he went to daycare) because even though my brother was at home.. he had other priorities during the day. Not saying he couldn't have made it work, but it would have been tough.

A "mother's helper" or housekeeper could do an awful lot to take the pressure off of you. If you don't get some relief, the impact will end up being your resentment will poison your relationship with your husband. I imagine it's tough enough when you hardly get a chance to see him as it is!

It doesn't even need to be every day does it? Perhaps 2-3 afternoons a week would give you a break. Someone to drive kids to activities and help with homework etc..

Look, financially, this may not be an option for all people, but it seems like it IS one for yours. I would ignore the whining of the Exwife. As long as the kids are "together" and generally under good supervision in their dad's home... she can't really do much.

mommadukes2015's picture

CSMof3

My best friend tells me all the time that I need to do things to keep myself healthy. I know your situation all too well, you don't give from what runs out of your full cup, you give the full cup-every.last.drop. You must fight the urge to do this.

Once upon a time, someone on this site asked me what I would do if I had free time....I'm not going to lie it took a while to figure it out and it was daunting because it's almost like your situation Stockholms you into loving it, and you're afraid to let it go.

Take it from someone who has seriously had to slow their roll, it's okay if there is someone there tending to you kids while you binge watch Netflix for the day every now and again. It's okay if someone comes over to watch your kids and you go do something else.

It's okay. Just give yourself permission to take back a small piece of your life, even if it isn't every day, maybe just one Wednesday or a few hours to start. I promise you'll start to feel better.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

How old are the children? Is there any reason why they cannot be in an after-school program or daycare 2-3 times a week?

CSMof3's picture

They are all in elementary school. They ride the bus home and I usually arrive home around the same time. My husband is at home at the time but he is sleeping (works nights). At that time of day, he would have only been asleep for about 3 hours. Bio-mom would raise hell if we put them in an afterschool program. She would offer to pick them up from school so they could spend more time together. And IF my husband agreed (which he wouldn't because he knows what would happen), she would use this against him in the custody modification she would file. She would harass him at exchanges. She would ask if they could just spend the night. In other words, it would open a can of worms.

CSMof3's picture

I've tried that. And he is a loving and kind man and always says he will chip in more and do more. For example, the kids are involved in after school activities (sports, etc.). He says he will take them so I don't have to. But that would mean he would get like 4-5 hours of sleep per day. I can't do that to him so I take them. I'm also the homework checker, the project helper, the main contact with anything school related, the cook, the maid, the enforcer, the disciplinarian, I do it all...And resent it Sad I love him, love the kids...wish their mom was mentally healthy enough to have custody.

Indigo's picture

In my area, there are several high school students who hire out after school to be a "mother's helper." There are also a few homeschool moms who run shuttle services. Perhaps less formal help will not trigger BM.

ldvilen's picture

I think this post speaks to real issue that comes up when you marry a man with children from a previous relationship, and that is not only are you taking on your husband’s baggage, but you are taking on BM’s and his children’s as well. Despite your best efforts or no matter what you think, you are going to find yourself right in the middle of someone else’s divorce. Doesn’t matter if you met years after the divorce or think dad is great or kids are great, or BM is great. When you are handling the baggage of several people vs. just your partner’s, things can easily change overnight.

In addition, GFs / SMs are expected to be the odd one out, and cook and clean and so on and so on for someone else’s family, suck it up and take it, often contribute more than her share (especially if SM herself has no children), and yet somehow manage to keep everyone happy and satisfied, sans herself of course. I’m overbeating the drum a bit here, but making a point.

The children are not the issue. When you agree to date or take on a divorced man with children, you are agreeing to also take on all of the fallout from his divorce—the good, the bad, and they ugly. And, boy it can get ugly. If you’ve never had children, you will have even less of an idea what you could be getting into. This is just an example, but BM could be manipulative and controlling and DH could be weak and enabling. What that means for you is step hell, because the kids will pick up on this as well, and run with it—that they can do whatever they want with dad and you are just in the way.

AND, although certainly not every divorced dad does this, you are basically being set up to be his family's caretaker. Do you want to be another family’s caretaker? This is not a question just for you, but for pretty much anyone in this situation. More than likely too, none of them will appreciate this caretaking from you and may even resent you for it. This is an amazing irony of being such a tolerant, well-intentioned woman getting involved with a divorced family: Not just dad, but multiple family members, such as BM, can very sneakingly, and this may not even be on purpose, set you up to be the family’s servant, maid, caretaker, and so on, and then, turn around and act resentful towards you for it. I almost think that deep down inside they realize they are dependent on you, and they can’t stand it. They don’t want someone else “running” their family.

Believe it or not, this can go on for YEARS, before a SM may finally be able to see through all of the gaslighting that has been going on and finally realize the position she has been put in and realize that someone else's family caretaker is a role she never signed up for and never saw herself in. SM just wanted to marry a great guy and have his kids come over once in a while and do things all together once in a while and get all along. Very few people who have never been step-parents before and especially those you have never been married before realize the amount of baggage they are taking on and all of the crap that can come falling out when you least expect it. It is almost like you not only married DH, but married to the rest of his family, including BM as well. And, unfortunately, there are a lot of people (mostly non-steps) who even more or less look at it this way—SM is to suck it up, stay in the background, and put up with her needs, and especially wants, falling to the bottom every time.

You need to have a heart-to-heart with your DH, or if you don’t want to go there yet, speak with a counselor on your own to sort out your boundaries and solutions. Any good counselor should tell you, “This is not your issue to take on on your own,” because it isn’t, and go from there. Hugs and best of luck to you!

P.S. This is just my personal opinion: But, I would go so far as to say that a single woman is better off being unmarried or in her own home by herself for the rest of her life rather than marry a divorced man with children, and the children aren't even the issue. BF / DH won’t be giving up much. He’ll be gaining. On the other hand, you will be giving up an unimaginable amount, and probably not just tangible things, but very important things as well, such as privacy, self-respect, and so on. Sure, a divorced man with children may be a great catch, but in hindsight I think for single women, the cost is just too high. Your DH just has to take on your baggage, but you have to take on his, his children’s and BM’s, and possibly even the baggage of some in-laws who don’t want to accept the realities of divorce OR maybe have gotten in the middle themselves somehow, and are now taking sides. Really!! That is just asking too much of anyone.

CSMof3's picture

You are absolutely correct....I am this family's caretaker. The kids are too young to appreciate it and, of course, would choose their biomom over me any day (not that I blame them...that's natural). My husband is grateful for all I do but doesn't really do anything to take any responsibility off of me. Biomom REALLY REALLY resents all that I do for her kids and criticizes EVERYTHING.
My husband did not have custody when we married. If he had, I would not have married him. I would not have dated him. Not that there's anything wrong with divorced men with children, it just wasn't my plan to start all over raising kids and dealing with all the drama of the ex because of it. My friends and family all tell me to suck it up but none of them have been in a situation like this, which is why I turned to this forum.
I really appreciate all the feedback from everyone!!

depletedx4's picture

I agree with your comments but for me personally i married a man with 4 adult children and never thought they would all end up living with us. it is NOT going to work despite my best efforts. I forsee a separation just to maintain my stability.

depletedx4's picture

Sorry you are dealing with this and there is no easy answer to resolve the issue. If you already knew he worked long hours why would you agree to full custody (obviously the load will fall on you). Not trying to make it more difficult but 3 young non- biological children will challenge any sane person. He needs to be more involved even if that means changing employment. You should really sit down and think about your next move and what it will look like. You may have to move on and if you decide to do that try to make it as easy on the kids as possible. I am also wondering why he would want custody if he is absent so much. I think he is passing the load to you and that is not fair. if there is a chance you are considering leaving i suggest you not wait too long. Hoping for the best for YOU and let him clean his own house (so to speak).

CSMof3's picture

It’s a long story but biomom did everything in her power to keep my husband and their kids apart before he got custody. I don’t want to bash her (don’t get me wrong, I don’t like her AT ALL), but my husband getting custody was a good thing ( for many many reasons beyond trying to keep the kids from their dad). The change in custody was totally unexpected and quick (due to BM’s behavior). It was for the safety of the children.

I cannot imagine what would happen to my husband or the kids’ lives if I were to walk away. BM is crazy and you can’t fix that.

Thumper's picture

Hire a Nanny, no not a baby sitter but a real deal Nanny. I loath people using the term nanny when they found a sitter named Brenda on Craigs list for 6.00 an hour who has no formal training.

THEN hire a cleaning women to come in weekly or bi weekly. You my dear need a break. YOU need to be able to get a pedicure or go to a movie OR dinner with friends.

I understand the kids homelife with mom as their custodial was bad enough that custody changed to your husband. BUT what would he do to care for the children if you were not longer in the picture.

Would he hire a nanny, would his parents help? There is nothin wrong with hiring outside help.

Once you start to do self care ie hire that nanny or cleaning lady THEN you can work on others.

SELF CARE FIRST

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

Yes hire a real nanny who can take on the bulk of the care for the children. Feeding, helping with homework, etc.
You can still be there when the nanny is there, and also you can take time for yourself to go to the gym a few days a week or take a walk in the park. The nanny, kids and you can all go to park. Your husband is not available to do these things with you for his kids. You can go to the sports activities and actually watch the child who is in the sport playing while the nanny watches the other two kids. You can let go of having to do everything and just do the fun stuff!

You work full time and have raised your kid. Get some help before you burn out. Who cares what BM says. Many families who have two adults working full time hire help to do whatever they need done. Cleaning, tutoring, cooking meals...whatever. Find yourself an Alice for your Brady Bunch and learn to breathe again.
When do you ever even get to spend time with your husband with him working so much, kids around all the time and you taking mini vacations to de stress when the kids aren't around?

And even young kids need to learn to pitch in and help in the family. Chores, age appropriate help in the kitchen, etc. Dont do everything for them and raise more Disney kids.

Good luck.

CSMof3's picture

Alice...lol! I forgot about her!
I don't spend a lot of time with him either Sad We make time for each other on the weekends. Stuff with the kids if they're home. Stuff for just the two of us when they're not.

BethAnne's picture

Women who can afford it have always hired help in the home. Help with kids, with house work ...with what is needed. The children do not suffer one bit. They are still in a loving stable home, they just see some additional people around or have someone else looking after them sometimes. In fact they benifit from having parents who are not so stressed out and who enjoy spending time with them. Especially when you are working too and these are not your bio kids there is absolutely no reason to feel any guilt whatsoever. If your husband protests at all tell him he can change his hours and do some childcare. Ignore BM all the way.

On that thought....You should also strongly consider going no contact with BM. Her rants and raves weigh too heavily on your mind and are based only on her jealousy and insecurities not on your ability to help provide a good home with your husband. Block BM on your phone and all social media, avoid doing exchanges at your home and get your husband to do them all. Eliminating BM from your life as much as possible will help to make s big difference in your stress levels.

CSMof3's picture

I do not have contact with her except through text message. English is not my husband's first language and I always get involved with explaining what she's saying or helping him type what he's trying to say. Ugh. I do not speak to her on the phone.
She is blocked on social media. I do not go to exchanges (although she brings her high conflict current husband with her).
She got in my face at a basketball practice recently. I took my SS7 to practice and she went off on me there. (well, she started it and we went off on each other lol)
I found out just yesterday that she filed a police report that I had left bruises on the same SS. Totally not true. Just cant seem to stay away from her drama.

Ispofacto's picture

If she ever approaches you in public, NEVER say anything from her other than "Get away!" She will accuse you of threatening her.

Pull out a camera and start recording. File a restraining order.

Our BM is very vain but also very unattractive. She also has major control issues. She HATES being videotaped, and runs away every time. I am completely emotionally disengaged from her, she doesn't get to push my buttons, I don't dignify any of her idiotic comments with a response. I do give her a predatory stare sometimes tho, or an amused look. She's truly afraid of me. Hasn't attempted to approach me in a very long time.

I once briefly lived with a violent psychopath. After I'd left him I found out he had killed two people years ago. I learned a lot from him, and I'm quite fearless now. I have had a hard life and lost a lot. I am not afraid anymore. I have mastered the art of non-reaction. Narcissists find my cool demeanor unsettling. People have NO idea what I'm thinking. These types NEED your reactions. It is amusing to watch them go nuts at your feet. Scorched earth. Muahahahahaaaa. Do it, it's highly rewarding. Next time you look at her, fantasize about strangling her. These types are not used to be on the receiving end of bullying.

As a teacher, you have to find out what your students' currency is. Think about what BM's currency is, and use it against her.

CSMof3's picture

OMG That's what SHE did to ME at the basketball practice. She got in my face then walked off with my stepson in tow (even though he was riding with me). I gave it a minute and walked out to the parking lot where she was waiting with the child who needed to be getting in my car.. I told her directly and calmly, "You're not allowed to speak to me like that." SHE started yelling GET AWAY FROM ME! GET AWAY FROM ME!!! And I'm all like....wait, what?? LOL

Ispofacto's picture

She is going to try to have you arrested. You need a video camera, a real one, not just the one on your phone. It should be in your hand ready to hold up and hit Record at all times when you are anywhere BM might be. She should see you holding the camera up. Take the footage to your lawyer and/or the police and tell them you are afraid for your safety.

It would have been nice to have footage of the gym confrontation and the parking lot confrontation, and for BM to know you have it. If she creates drama at school functions she can be barred from attending in the future. You might also be able to post the footage online to youtube or facebook to really humiliate her.

Here is a link I found explaining the rules for posting videos online: https://itstillworks.com/need-subjects-permission-put-video-youtube-1816...

Make friends with the other parents/coaches/teachers at the school. In a PC way, clue them in on how "afraid" you are of her. Try not to find yourself alone with BM.

If you can prove this is a pattern, you can get her for stalking. Here are the stalking laws for you state: http://victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center/stalking...

CSMof3's picture

Oh yes, she is always trying to find something to "prove" I'm a horrible person/stepmom/human being.

I've been reading in the other forums here about "disengaging" and I think it's brilliant. I'm making huge strides in that department in just a couple of days. Right now it feels weird because I've been handling EVERYTHING for years and felt guilty for the resentment and thinking "THESE AREN'T MY CHILDREN." The process of disengagement has shifted the paradigm for me. Now instead of "there aren't my kids!!!!!!" I tell myself, these children have two parents. They can figure it out without my help. This helps me feel less guilt.

Right now I don't know if this means they will be forced to co-parent amicably OR if things will get worse because she's mean and makes mountains out of molehills. Fingers crossed!

Ispofacto's picture

They will NEVER parent amicably. It is a bitter pill to swallow, but knowing this will help you lower your expectations and protect yourself. Order the book "Say Goodbye to Crazy", and look up the same phrase on Youtube.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

PS. Regarding "You're not allowed to speak to me like that." Please don't say stuff like this to her, because obviously she can say whatever she wants, and just gets a boner thinking she upset you. And if you do plan on bringing a future smackdown, it's better off she be surprised, so don't give her any warnings.

CSMof3's picture

I believe you teach people how to treat you so I wanted to let her know where that boundary is Wink

CSMof3's picture

I followed the link to the stalking laws. My husband could DEFINITELY charge BM's current husband with stalking!!! He posted on Facebook about twenty times one night last week harassing me, my husband...even called one of the SS's a fat ass. Calling us names, vague threats like "The gloves are off, bitch! And your retarded husband can't help you." In other posts he addresses us by name even though we are blocked on his FB. We have mutual friends who sent me screenshots. DH has filed two other police reports for 1) harassing communications and 2) terroristic threats. This may be worth following up on.

ndc's picture

I also think you should hire a nanny to help. It'll give you a much needed break, and would also give you an opportunity for some one-on-one time with each of the kids, if you wanted it, which might be easier and more pleasant than dealing with them all together. My parents worked long hours when I was young and we always had au pairs. I'm none the worse for it. You need to get rid of the guilt; you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty about having help with raising your stepchildren. You did not sign up for this, and it really sounds like you need the help. If you can afford it, there's no reason not to have a nanny, and I don't think it reflects at all on your caring for your family. Ignore BM - dealing with her is only going to add to your stress, and she does not get a say in whether you have help in your home.

nobios3steps's picture

I am in the same situation, it is a very hard one BM has supervised visits which she does not exercise. I have the kids all the time, when my husband is home it seems like I am the one that is still supposed to do everything. It isnt fair and I am getting quite tired of it.

I vision what he would do if I was not there and he would have to bring family members into help. Which my feeling is the grandparents should want to help. They know it is alot on me but seem to not bother them at all.

Im close to my breaking point.

CSMof3's picture

I feel YOU!! BM would love to have the kids more she is SOOOOOOOO HIGH CONFLICT that we just don't go there. Finally ours are getting old enough to clean up after themselves, put their laundry away, etc. I honestly don't think my husband knows how much responsibility, effort, and energy it requires. I'm rooting for you. Sadly, I broke down and got on anxiety medication. It helps...some...most days. My husband is not American and has ZERO family here.
I know exactly how you feel. There's nothing I can do to help but I hope this forum may give you some ideas. I feel like we need to hug this one out, us kindred spirits...lol