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Horrible, Annoying Christmas Dinner and Presents w/Skids. Now DH Not Talking to Me.

TwoOfUs's picture

So. The skids came over for a dinner last night and for our present exchange. Only YSD was home for Christmas Day this year, so we pushed it back a couple days to when they'd all be here.

We made steaks and these great potatoes that I do and some veggies...w/pie and ice cream for dessert.

Anyway. DH was really testy with me right from the beginning. I think because, in his view, I was "hiding out" in the kitchen while the skids were here (i.e. I was cooking.)

From my perspective...3 loud, obnoxious grown and nearly-grown people descended on my home last night. Plus a very polite and reasonable boyfriend of OSD. Not a single person offered to do a single thing to help get dinner on the table. They all plopped themselves down in the living room and started talking VERY loudly. I honestly don't mind that so much as I think it's easier for me to just get dinner on the table. But the loud, loud, loud talking drives me up the wall. They get to the point where they're literally yelling to talk over each other.

Then, at dinner, the loud reminiscing continued. Frenzied, loud, loud, loud talking. They were also whacking each other and playing some dumb game where they made a circle with their thumb and forefinger and tried to get the other person to look at it? Not sure what that's about...I'll look it up today and see. May be some dumb thing they made up. Then they started flipping each other off about everything and laughing hysterically about it. YSD also says: "Aw HELLS Yeah!" to everything...and DH always chuckles like it's so clever and hilarious.

At any rate...no correction happened during any of this dinner table behavior. I mean, I get that it may be weird to correct them at their ages...but YSD has been saying "Aw HELLS Yeah!" to her dad's amusement since she was about 15 or 16. Perhaps something should have happened then? Perhaps DH, like me, thought that the rambunctious hitting and wrestling and loud-talking at the table would stop as they grew up?

Then, dinner was over and they all got up and plopped themselves down in the living room and started yelling at the top of their lungs again. No one offered to help me clear the table, start the dishes...get dessert out. DH was doing a lot, as he always does. I was wiping down the table and had spoons in my hand when DH snapped at me a little testily.

DH: "Those are for the dessert! We're not putting them up yet."

Me: "I know. I'm just trying to wipe the table and then I'll set them back down."

DH (real sarcastically): "Yeah. I know what you're 'just trying' to do."

Anyway...it got better after that, quite a bit. The present exchange was nice...all skids were very thankful and they also got us stuff, which doesn't usually happen. So maybe they are growing up. Then we played a game and the skids continued their loud yell-talking and flipping each other off again. YSD is with us this week but she informed DH that she wanted to stay with 'her family' tonight...then quickly corrected herself and said...'I mean my siblings.' I totally understand what she was saying...and I get that she's excited that her brother and sister are in town...but I think it really hurt DH's feelings. I think it also hurts his feelings that BM's house is the default house when all 3 skids are in town...especially since we have more room. However, we're about to all go to his parents' house for 3 days for their Christmas thing...so I imagine the skids are just thinking they need to get some time in with their mom during their relatively brief visit to our town.

He 'went to the bathroom' for a long time right when skids were about to leave and didn't come out for a long time while they were calling to him and trying to say goodbye. Then he went straight into the bedroom and didn't talk to me or snuggle up to me...didn't touch me at all, in fact, which is not typical. This morning, when I woke up, I said 'Good Morning' and he completely ignored me.

I don't know. I don't feel like I did anything last night other than NOT yell at the top of my lungs in order to 'join in' on the 'conversation' the skids were having. Not sure why any of this is my fault in DH's mind.

Meanwhile, last night...all of MY siblings were over at my sister's house playing games and eating chili. This was my last chance to see all of them at once since I'm leaving to go to DH's family thing this morning, and my sister who's about 8 hours away at grad school will be leaving before I get back. Hooray! I got to give that up for our "family Christmas" with the skids. Gag me.

Sorry this got so long. What do you think? Does your DH get snippy and testy when skids visit? Does it somehow become your fault?

Comments

zerostepdrama's picture

What is he so pissy about? Seems like the night went over just fine. No drama, no arguments. You were busy cooking dinner, he was busy entertaining his kids.

Do you think he was actually annoyed/mad with his kids and taking it out on you?

When the skids used to come over it was the same thing, they were so loud and obnoxious. It made both DH and I on edge.

Look up: Urban Dictionary: Circle Game to figure out the game they were playing.

lieutenant_dad's picture

DH got snippy with me last night because I didn't make dinner for the boys and him like I said I would. I got home at 6:30, informed DH that I hadn't picked anything up to eat because we still had leftovers that needed to be eaten (we literally have no room in the fridge for more stuff), but if he wanted to order a pizza instead to go ahead because I was going to take a bath. Took an hour bath, laid in bed for a bit and talk to DH before he went back out to the living room, and then put on PJs and went out to grab myself something to eat. It's 9 by this point and I ask DH if had eaten and fed the boys.

Nope, and it was all MY fault because I said I was going to cook that morning, and then I just disappeared to our room and talked o him for an hour so he REALLY didn't have time to do it, and there really isn't anything to eat, etc.

I just stared at him blankly. He got home by 5:15 and helped me bring in drinks from the store, but I put them away. He hadn't done a single dish. He hadn't taken out the trash. He, and the boys, had done NOTHING to help out. Yet I'm the bad guy. I could have clocked him.

Anywho, I say all that to say that yes, my DH gets weird when the boys are over, especially around the holidays when he's socially overloaded. I think your skids' behavior is fairly normal for young adult siblings (I admit that my siblings and I act similarly, woops), but I find it rude that none of them offered to help clean up or assist. Next year, if you want, ask for their help and my guess is that they'll help. My guess is that, as they get older and get more life experience with having to do on their own, that they'll be more willing to help becaus they'll know it takes lots of effort and energy. If they don't offer, then assign (I do that with the boys now).

Your DH, though. Nope. I don't handle the silent treatment thing. That's guaranteed to get me to hound you for an answer or have me go off. It's an unfair and abusive tactic. I think your DH built up in his head what this holiday was going to be (like my DH did with dinner last night), and when it didn't happen how he hoped, he snapped. Then YSD added insult to injury, and he's now being a sad panda.

He has every right to be upset. He has every right to discuss with you how your actions made him feel (and you can rebut with "WTF dude"). He DOES NOT get to ignore you and punish you because his fee-fees are hurt. That's unfair, especially since you didn't do anything to deserve the behavior. I'd give him the rest of the morning and inform him around lunch that you want to talk about this later tonight. Not right now, but later, so that you both are calm and prepared. Hopefully he behaves like an adult. If he doesn't, then feel free to treat him like a child.

TwoOfUs's picture

We leave for his parents house in a couple of hours, and I'll bring it up then. Talking in the car is usually good.

I guess...between YSD watching hours upon hours of loud, mindless reality TV this week and the skids coming over for dinner, my nerves are on edge, too.

I think what it boils down to is that he enjoys having his kids here and I do not. He thinks that their behavior is cute and heart-warming (aw...they're all so happy to see each other and be together again) and I find it utterly annoying in every way. I mean, I'm the oldest of 6, and we get excited when we all get to be together, too. But we don't yell and whack each other non-stop...

But when I try to change something so that I can be more comfortable in my home, I get push back from him or I just get ignored. "I don't have TV rules for her...I don't mind the rough-housing...etc." So, I check out and muscle through. What else does he expect? For me to pretend that I enjoy behavior that I find exhausting and immature?

Veritas's picture

It's not about what he expects it is about doing what you need for your own happiness....there is no rule, despite what your DH may think, that says you have to like how his kids act...are you actually saying that you cannot make changes in your own home in order to feel more comfortable?

Telling you now, keep checking out and one day, you won't check back in...it won't be worth trying anymore....then you won't have to pretend anymore. OR, you can stand up for your rights and needs now, show DH your boundaries and what you will/won't accept and just maybe, your respect for yourself will grow and his respect for you will increase because it seems he has little of it for you now....

TwoOfUs's picture

No...I can and I do, for the most part. I claimed back the second upstairs bedroom as my office/space and moved YSD to the basement room (it's bigger and really nice...I'm not sticking her in the basement or anything). I've been able to enact and do a lot of things...and DH and I generally communicate well and make compromises.

It's just in a few areas, specifically with his kids' behavior when they're all together or when they're here 'on vacation' that DH seems to want to let everything slide and not say anything.

I think whoever it was who said he had a fantasy of how the night would go in his head and when reality didn't match up to his vision, he got pissy...is absolutely correct. I can empathize with that, for sure. But I feel like things would go much better if he would exercise even the gentlest correction of his kids over-the-top behavior.

Veritas's picture

Okay, all that in your response makes sense and obviously you know your life best, but I still don't get your DH's attitude towards YOU. Yes he may be sad, depressed, have poor expectations, felt pissy, whatever....but why is he hurting YOU? I hurt FOR you Sad

TwoOfUs's picture

I agree. I feel like I give up a lot in order to be in this marriage. I also think...when you divorce...you lose something. You just do. That loss shouldn't all be absorbed by your new spouse.

I wish I'd been able to go be with my family last night...but I didn't. I stayed and did the thing DH wanted to do.

Veritas's picture

I am sending you a hug...it's virtual but it's real. I know all of us on here, when offering support, make it sound so easy to just "do this" or "do that" but we also really do know how hard these situations can be and how hard it is to go against all those in your immediate vicinity when you get down to the reality of it all.

I think I can safely say that if you had gone with your family last night, you would have been on edge and may not have had the best time for worrying about how angry your DH would get because you left to do your own thing. Based on what you have said I feel like this is a true statement. You made a choice to stay with DH and yet even that choice wasn't well received by him. Not even close to a win-win as both of you lost out on what could have been a really fun night for each of you.

Maybe this is where it all begins and ends, with the person your DH becomes in these situations. This is the part of your DH that is not acceptable and maybe he is fine in all other situations. There is a give and take, I call it an emotional bank account. My DH can act out a bit sometimes and I shut him down quick because he has been overdrawn in his emotional bank account for years LOL! When the DH has some credit in there, it is easier to accommodate to a certain extent.

You feel like you have given up a lot to be in this marriage. Identify what it is you have given up and try to get it back. This is YOU and this is about YOU. I truly want the best for you in all this, I really do....you need to be your own person within that give and take with your DH. It took me years to get to that point but I was more afraid of losing myself and becoming a label...

TwoOfUs's picture

That's very helpful.

The biggest thing I've given up is the opportunity to have my own kids. I am 37 and feeling that I'm nearing the end of my window...so I think it makes my tolerance for his kids become lower, especially at the holidays. I feel this isn't totally fair to him because he could be perfect in every other way (and, in a lot of ways, he is) but this one thing could rear its head at any moment and negate all of that. Make sense?

The other thing is...I've always been ambivalent about having kids, so 80-85% of the time I'm totally OK with it. I enjoy my niece and nephews...enjoy my family...enjoy my career and friends. In general, I feel fulfilled. If neither of us had kids, I don't think it would be an issue.

Veritas's picture

Why do you assume you did something wrong? For your own self, please don't do that and don't overthink the situation of DH acting like an ass.

If my DH acted up with mysterious pouting and I had no idea why, you can bet that I would NOT assume the responsibility of his feelings. He could engage in communication with me to share his thoughts or sit and pout by himself.

Whether your DH thought you did enough for the skids or not, no human gets to treat me like I don't fracking exist. I truly don't understand that....I don't do it, no one I know does it so I don't get it. What is he, 12?????

MAKE. YOURSELF. HAPPY. This does not mean at the exclusion of others but if you do not do what is important for you, who will? Ever?

And don't allow yourself to be gaslighted by your AH DH...

Willow2010's picture

Next time you see DH, you should say… ”Hey, you seem upset…what did the skids do you upset you last night?” Then just sit back and watch his head explode. Lol

Your DH is being a giant tit.

On a side note….I want to know what is this about great potatoes?

TwoOfUs's picture

They're these greek lemon-garlic potatoes.

You cut gold potatoes into small wedges. Put lots of garlic, some salt and pepper, oregano on top of the potatoes. Then you do 1/2 cup of olive oil and 1 cup of water in the pan. Toss it all together. Squeeze the juice of a large lemon over the whole thing (about 1/4 cup) Sometimes I also do a little zest or splash some extra lemon juice in there. I also sometimes add a bullion cube to the water.

Bake at 450 for 40-45 minutes. Take it out, toss it all up. If the water has all cooked off & potatoes are sticking, add a little more water. Potatoes should be looking crispy-ish. Put back in for another 40-45 minutes.

The water cooks off...potatoes get good and crispy and taste amazing. Sometimes I'll broil them for 3-5 minutes right at the end if I feel they need to get a teensy bit crispier.

momjeans's picture

I don’t think you did anything wrong. It sounds like he was pissy that you didn’t sit there by his side with a permagrin, making them feel extra welcome, while the food magically cooked itself, and the kitchen magically cleaned-up. Then to be moody the following day? Oh goodness, no!

My DH rarely gets snippy, because from where he’s sitting with overly involved parents - to the point of enabling a contemptuous BM, he’s in NO position to.

The only time he seems to get in a huff and won’t let it go, is when I refuse to go out to dinner with skid, or attend skid’s bon voyage dinner before she flies back home.

TwelveLongYrs79's picture

Would he have rather you be a complete bitch to him and his kids because of the obnoxious, annoying behavior?
You handled it as best as could be expected. I would have ran away to my room...or drank a bottle of wine whilst cooking that dinner LOL

queensway's picture

I seem to have the exact problem when my DH is with his kids. I think that your DH is acting like this because he wishes that things were different. Maybe be knows their behavior is not right and this is his way of dealing with it. I believe that is why my DH gets like this. You handled things very well indeed. Give yourself a pat on the back you deserve it.