Disengaging and chores
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How do you handle disengaging with a slob kid and a dad that doesn't see the mess?
There's been a pair of socks near the top of the stairs for 3 fucking weeks. A basket of unfolded laundry on the couch for at least 4 weeks. I fold and put away my and put away laundry for 4 people. I think SO can do it for 1.
But SS and his dad are both blind to the messes and would just not pick up after themselves. But it drives me crazy. I'm all over my kids to pick up after themselves because it's not fair for me to clean up after 4 slobs and myself.
My SDs used to leave or hide
My SDs used to leave or hide dirty or bloodstained underwear around their room. If I came across them I'd throw them in the rubbish. I wouldn't even bother warning DH, just throw the socks away and if anybody asks about them in future say that either dirty stuff goes in the proper place or you will bin it.
Put the mess where your DH
Put the mess where your DH can't be blind to it. On his side of the bed. THEN he will have to deal with it.
If he asks why it was dumped there you simply say. I did my laundry and put it away and needed the basket for another load. The dirty socks will look nice on his pillow.
Pretty much what ESMOD said.
Pretty much what ESMOD said. Anything that stays on the floor for 3 weeks would be thrown away. Surely after that amount of time, they won't be missed.
Or empty that basket to whomever it belongs to bed. Just because you need that basket, of course *innocent smile*
trash it all, it's obviously
trash it all, it's obviously not being used! but don't say a word about it - if someone goes "have you seen my such-and-such?" you can answer "surely you put it in the dresser/closet/drawer where it belongs!"
Bet you anything they'll
Bet you anything they'll notice when the basket ISN'T there, though!
I lost it and said as nice as
I lost it and said as nice as I could that it would be great if he could get SS to pick up his socks that have been siting at the top of the stairs for 3 weeks.
About an hour later, SO picked them up (like fuck, teach your kid!) and proceeded to tell me they weren't his kids'. Just because he 1. Doesn't see shit, doesn't mean I don't and 2. He has no bloody idea of his kids' anything. I didn't even have my kids the week they they showed up in the spot where SS always takes off his shit. I internally raged so hard. I legit wanted to strangle him. Oh, then I found the socks and a ton of their other dirty laundry on the shelf in the bathroom.
He's usually better than this. Yesterday I refused to do dishes or anything to help him after he was a jerk. I have been doing them 3-4 times a day plus cooking all meals, doing ALL the Christmas stuff, grocery shopping and cleaning. I told him I was feeling like he wasn't helping me and I was starting to feel frustrated and he picked a fight instead of having a conversation. So I continued to eat leftovers and pile my dishes on top of the dinner dishes from the evening before. His dad funnily enough, popped in (I saw his truck and went for a drive!) when it was a shit hole. Dishes were done when I got home.
Would it be awful to leave a note with the toilet cleaner and a bottle of bleach saying "yes, it's true, men too can both see AND clean feces from a toilet". It's on the face and inside of the toilet. I know it was his kid. I mentioned it the other day and he said "oh, is that what it is?" I was like "WHAT DID YOU THIINK IT WAS?!" And it's still there.
I can relate to this 100
I can relate to this 100 percent! Took SD15 6 days to do 1 sink full of dishes..It started as one sink. I made sure I washed, dried and put away everything I personally used. I thought I was going to self combust by the time she FINALLY finished them! Would rather wear clothes that are 2 sizes to small (wont get rid of items that don't fit)than do her laundry, its beyond me why the dhs' choose to live in squalor rather than parent their kids.
See, I'm anal about cleaning.
See, I'm anal about cleaning. After dinner, everyone has to tidy up their things.
By the time I'm ready to settle down and relax, I walk through and pick up stuff that doesn't belong...I put it in a basket I keep in the living room... and before bed, that basket better be empty.
Also, if I go onto the bathroom and see streaks, I WILL call out "who pooped last? You forgot to clean your streaks, do it now. Nobody wants to see your poop stains."
If nobody claims them with a "sorry mom I forgot" and I have to clean it, I dole out crappy chores to every one and I sit and watch While sipping tea. Lol
I like my home to look like it's ready for a showing. I expect everyone to maintain MY space like I want it if they're going to make use of it. It's simple.
Dh isn't as clean freak as I am... and knowing this, I don't rag on him for not doing something immediately...because while he doesn't always deal with it right away, he DOES deal with it, without my having to say anything, even if it's not when I would prefer. It's many a time when I've woken up to a kitchen mess and he gets me a cup of coffee and tells me not to worry about the kitchen, he'll get to it after we come back from groceries or something. Big deal. He doesn't leave it for 3 weeks....not even 3 days... I don't even have to tell him to deal with ss's toys... they get put in the basket, and then they're gone, put away.
He's a good one.
You're lucky! I'm not a
You're lucky! I'm not a clean freak but o like the house to be clean. I don't want to panic if someone comes over.
I'm sure SO is blind. I'm getting really frustrated because we've lived together for a year and a half and it seems to be getting worse.
It wasn't too bad before. He frequently did dishes at least.
I'll fourth and fifth
I'll fourth and fifth everyone here.
Set your rule. Tell them ONCE that you expect room A and B and/or C to be cleaned of personal items after x amount of time and you won't ask them again. And don't. If they ignore it, you get to take care of it. That's it. No guilt. They leave it out for weeks it appears they don't care.
I have taken BAGS of things to donation and have an ongoing donation stack. Or it gets thrown away.
I will help DH with laundry but HE has to collect what he wants washed. If it's not in one of the two laundry baskets I don't touch it. I have taught both SDs to use the washer/dryer and have instructions posted. SD11 does hers pretty well (with only a minor reminder here and there) but SD14 never, ever does her laundry unless DH helps her (i.e. DH does it). I do not wash their towels. I told DH the other day he needs to take care of the giant towel stack in the laundry room (they use one towel and think it's dirty but they can wear filthy underwear/socks/shirts/pants with no issue...) that I'm tired of walking by it and it's in my way. If he doesn't, I'll wash 'em myself and donate them. He has until New Year's to take care of it. If they haven't missed them for MONTHS AND can survive on the 4 towels on the floor of their room, that's not on me.
DH has asked me to get a little more engaged recently and I'm doing it very slowly and watching his reactions. He has zero chance to undermine me.
I think you have to decide what you can and can't put up with and come to terms with that yourself. I demand a clean living area and kitchen. DH can make a mess on his side of the closet and in his office. SD14 can live in a pit of a room - but if there's any consequences all of it's on DH who doesn't care.
P.S. I did hire someone to clean the SDs bathroom 1x per month as it gets thoroughly disgusting and NO ONE cleans it (DH pays for it).
Anything I found lying around
Anything I found lying around would go into a trash bag and be tossed. Give them a deadline, like whatever's not picked up at the end of the day/by this weekend/before you go back to BM's/whatever gets tossed. Whether it's a pair of socks or a tablet. They were given fair warning. Clutter drives me absolutely insane.
Make a sign that says Laundry
Make a sign that says Laundry Rules.
Outline your expectations as a person who lives there, NOT to be confused with that of an Indentured Servant.
Come up with rules you can all live with.
Make it stick.
I’d recommend a “lost and found” basket (like an impound lot), and all that stuff that you find can go there. I would put items there with an expiration date, then “auction” the items to the high bidder. Phone chargers, iPads, clothes, everything. No warning, just pick it up and drop it in. “Has anyone seen my xxxitem?”
“Yup. It was observed at 9 am in a No Parking Zone (or whatever), so it was impounded. You can go before The Tribunal on Sunday afternoon and plead your case, or you may request an emergency session of The Tribunal, which will incur some ChoreFees prior to securing said item.”
Sometimes, they’re adults in training; sometimes the SKids are as well.
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SS is horrible about leaving his iPad out. Same with cups of water. DW is really good about tidying up all the time, so it’s no skin off my nose when he leaves a mess. I used to tidy up, got tired of it (TBH, if the FWit would have been cool and treated me with respect to start with, I would have “had his back” on stuff like that, but sadly... no). What’s funny is I pointed it out to DW after she said he and I were getting along. I said, “Ah, I disengaged. Instead of getting aggravated about him leaving a mess for me to clean up, I just leave it. How’s your workload these days?” She started getting onto him more LOL...
But I like the idea of the “jail” or “impound lot” for wayward toys or clothes. Can’t find your favorite shirt? Was it in the laundry? Are you SURE?
“OH. MY. GODDDDD. It would have been EASIER for you to just GIVE IT TO ME than do all this STUPID GAME!”
“Ummm, no, tootsie... I’ve been playing YOUR game a while, and you’re not learning to keep an eye on your crap. So as the Responsible Adult, I’ve decided we will play this MY way. This is how the world is, sweetie. Learn it here for free and save yourself a lot of expense and aggravation - orrrrrr, you can keep on playing your BS and struggle like all those reality show knuckleheads. Believe me, I’m MONSTROUSLY cooler than any boss or professor you’ll ever have. Based on the BS you do around here, you won’t last long at the first couple jobs you take. I’ve put up with WAY MORE of your BS than any room mate would. So, what do you want? Your choice...”
I ended up going on strike!
I ended up going on strike! Didn't touch a single thinf that wasn't mine or my boys'. The kitchen got ugly pretty fast and SO's father popped in for a visit! LOL! I woke up to a clean kitchen the next day.
After SO said those socks weren't his kid's, I was pissed. Since then, we have found many pairs of his stashed all over the house and gym (we run a kickboxing gym out of the downstairs) and it was so bad that kids from the kids class and parents pointed them out! I couldn't wipe the smug look off my face.
They've all been warned that items are going in the trash, and I don't even care.
His kid's laundry finally got folded after like...6-7 weeks?! Let's see how long they sit on the couch for.
I think it's time to start cleaning out his drawers. If you can go 6+ weeks without laundry, there is way too much.
Oh and so after a long day of teaching (so and I both did), SS looks at me and asks what's for dinner. It's all I'm good for. I told him he should ask his dad. It got under my skin. SO laughed and I told him I didn't think it was funny. I won't be cooking for them the entire week. My kids are not here for a few days and I'm off duty. No maid or chef duties for me. I don't mind doing things when they are appreciated but when it feels like an expectation...I'm out!
WOW! This is my life! If I
WOW! This is my life!
If I find things laying around I just throw them out. I used to wait a few days and see if anyone picked them up but it doesn't happen. I have yet to have anyone ask me if I've see such and such. And the cloths is my biggest fight. I have 2 step son's, 10 & 12. Both are very lazy. Their clean laundry gets piled on top of their dresser because they are too lazy to hang their things in the EMPTY closet. I've started sending small bags of clothing to charity and they never notice. They have way too much for kids that are only with us half the time. And their father keeps buying them cloths and junk they don't need. It's very frustrating! They are both overindulged with every aspect of their lives. If they want it, they get it. My husband is the same way, if he can't find something he knows he has, he just goes and buys a new one. He is a pack rat! His side of the bedroom looks like his closet threw up. He never puts laundry away, just piles it up. I absolutely hate it. Once in a great while I'll hang all his laundry and he actually gets pissed that "I've touched his stuff". I honestly don't get how some people are ok living in such a disaster. I'm counting the years left with these two living with us. 8 TO GO!
Today I cleaned up the
Today I cleaned up the Christmas tree & decorations, put away what little my boys left out (They left Christmas day, and I get them back tomorrow, as their dad was home - he works our of Province for 3-4 weeks at a time) and I left notes on what was SK's saying it has 1 day to get put away or it's going in the trash. This includes his stocking, yes STOCKING, full of everything that was in it, all items from his advent calendar and some new toys. I threw out a toy car and left it perfectly on top of the trash so it'll be seen.
I also left a note beside the milk puddles and soggy cheerios left on the table saying "if you spill your food it gets cleaned up" and also a note about the bathroom sink and toothpaste that is all over. I also mentioned that we have all discussed these issues with ALL CHILDREN IN THE HOUSE and SO needs to help me enforce them. Maybe the aggressive approach will work, because nothing else does. We're not on great terms right now because I called him out on his parenting, so...fun times. But in all honestly, his kid is almost 5 and his behaviour is closer to that of a 3 year old. I read up on it this morning to make sure I'm not mis-remembering the age (my youngest JUST turned 6, so it wasn't that long ago mine was SK's age...) and yep, he should definitely be leaps and bounds ahead of where he is behaviourally.
I struggle with it because i'm constantly questioning (and talking to SO about) my oldest's behaviour, development, etc...It's not like I'm just picking on his kid. And he participates in those conversations with me. And it's like his kid can do no wrong. I mean, I love my kids to death, but I also evaluate where they are as little people and how well they're being raised, ya know? Do Dads just not have that ability? Is it guilt from choosing to mate with a shit mother? Does he honestly have no bloody idea how to parent? There is no authority (not true authority. No follow through). He will ask his kid to be quiet during a class, and he won't. The other day I told him he had to wait while he was screaming for his dad over and over and over. I told him he had to wait and go be quiet, and he did. It's consistency. He doesn't listen, he can go sit quiet in a corner, not ignored to go on and on and on. I've watched that kid test his father since he was 2 years old, and it's the SAME tests, the SAME boundary pushing. I mean, is that not a bad sign that he's still doing the same things at almost 5 that he was at 2 years old??? So frustrating.
I'm just really, really resentful now. Like an idiot, I cooked last night. I ate before them and came to the kitchen while they were eating. It took me over 2 hours to make the meal. SK was complaining. Neither said thank you. Dishes were on the counter and stove this morning. I let SO know that I would no longer be cooking for him and his kid when I don't have mine, due to the lack of thankfulness, and even when I have them, there may or may not be dinner for them. I let him know that I am not a maid nor chef, and I won't be treated as one any longer and I mean it. I'm done.
This is going to go one way or the other. Either he will step up and be a father and better partner or things will degrade and end. So we'll see, I suppose.
If the kid is 4 years old
If the kid is 4 years old (especially one that is developmentally behind) I am not sure I would be as militant and "one and done" with them.
I would be a lot more on my DH's case to work with the child and fill in the gaps himself.
I know watching my 4 yo nephew that his parents wipe up after him etc... It's not that he isn't being taught, but at that age they don't always get perfection.
Oh It's 100% from the
Oh It's 100% from the parenting (or lack thereof). But SO doesn't seem to see the "gaps". And you know...if I point them out (even gently), I'm an a-hole. Even with my 6 & 9 year olds, I have to remind them frequently to do simple things, but that's where this goes wrong; SO isn't doing any of the reminding. I know it's annoying as hell to have to ride your kid(s) to pick up their XYZ, but you HAVE TO DO IT. It's part of being a parent. If it's just left, it's going to breed a slob. But to be fair, SO isn't the tidiest of creatures, so...
SK doesn't even have to try to put on his own shoes, clothes, etc...at his other house(s). He's babied. They even feed him. Again, he's almost 5. He whines, and they literally spoon feed him like an infant.
He's not developmentally behind, he's just behaviourally...if that makes sense. He's actually probably leaps and bounds ahead physically and with his motor skills. He just hasn't ever had to exhibit any control of his behaviour, so he just doesn't. It's like a toddler. He roars at the top of his lungs indoors, jumps off furniture, torments the animals and everyone laughs and cheers instead of correcting. It's frustrating. Really, really frustrating.