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A Holiday Realization

Java_Junkie's picture

Isn't it ALWAYS the SAME OLD THING? Steps just don't get to enjoy the same awesome relationship that the parents do... and as steps, we get a little cynical when the parents GIVEGIVEGIVE even when the kid didn't earn it, and as outsiders, we feel like we own X-RaySpecs and can somehow SEE things the parents CAN'T. "Oh... Latte_Junkie is in denial! D - E - N - I - A - L !!! She just loves those kids TOO MUCH! She's SPOILING them, and they're gonna turn out to be ENTITLED ADULT MONSTERS who will walk into their workplaces, and a manager like me will have to SET THEM STRAIGHT! I see DISASTER... Hello, captainnnn... ICEBERGS!!!!" (OK, dramatic writing style for humorous effect)
Thing is, the parents see things STEPS DON'T SEE, EITHER. They might see us parenting differently and might even feel a little embarrassed, so instead of upping their game, they might poo-poo ours. DW thinks I'm tough, as if I represent old school thinking "children should be seen and not heard." I'm not, though I think she's a permissive parent (OK, borderline, because she'll give till they screw up, then takes - then forgives way too soon and lets them have what they want again).
Oh, the humanity...

Got to thinking, and came to a realization that I can articulate; let me know if it resounds with you.

Parents see their own kids like parents should. That's what's special about a parent-child relationship.
Kids see their own parents in a special way as well.
Scientifically, it's due to "imprinting."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imprinting_(psychology)

Stepparents see SKids differently.
This is natural and to be expected.
I can't and won't feel like a heel for not seeing or treating her kids the same as if they were my own. Without imprinting, it's basically an impossibility for that to happen, and I can't expect the SKids to accept me with open arms when I come home.
Any more, now that I keep it in mind, I am beginning to learn that it's like this:
> When DW comes home, her kids are like dogs, wagging their tails yapping, jumping, happy! "Woohoooo! Look who's home!!!"
> When I come home, SKids are like cats, remain sitting, turn their heads with half an eye open, like a routine event... "Oh. It's you. My food bowl is empty and the litterbox is full, so I decided you might want to play a search game and crapped in a corner somewhere - keep looking, you'll find it. By the way, your sweater worked pretty well for a brush for my fur today - you can keep leaving that out for me."
It's odd to adjust to THE SAME KIDS being happy to see her and being really stoked about HER (though I am stoked to see her as well), however when I come in, they want to know about what I'm carrying.
> They see her carrying a million dollar gold brick, it's Mommmmiiiiiiieeeee!!!!"
> I could be carrying a KFC bag full of garbage and they say, "YAYYYY!!!! CHICKEN DINNER!"

It's typical. It's pretty normal. It's not always what we want, but as steps, we need to accept that. Being jealous of our sweetie's relationship with their kids is counterproductive. Being upset that these kids could NEVER see us as equals in their lives is like being upset about earthquakes and hurricanes - we can't change that, though we can prepare and not be ruined by them.

ldvilen's picture

Well, this stmt. just followed the 1,000+ year-old stereotype of a step-parent to a T: "Being jealous of our sweetie's relationship with their kids is counterproductive. . ."

I think you are mistaking your personal feelings of jealousy, perhaps, and extrapolating that as being at the root of all SP/SK relationship issues. Maybe you and your brother did get treated very differently by your SM. Maybe not, or maybe not in the way you think. Maybe what you are solely seeing is your youthful interpretation that you are carrying into adulthood without bothering to reanalyze it with more adult eyes? I know I have to listen to my 84 year old mother and her equally-aged siblings still go on and on about how ripped off they got from their SM. They all say SM favored her own children more and this and that. My mom and her sibs were a brood of six, and then SM went on to have 2 more "ours" children with pops. Whenever I asked for more specific examples, most of what I heard, and this prior to my becoming a SP, was that SM's bio-kids were treated differently largely because they were much younger and naturally needed more attention vs. anything as obvious as a Cinderella story. Absolutely no recognition from my mom at all that this single woman (SM) got married and took on six children that were not her own (and what a challenge, that must've been!), and absolutely no recognition from my mom that if SM hadn't done this, she and her five siblings probably would have been all farmed out to different relatives or whomever wanted another kid around to help out on the farm. Also, zero recognition of her own father's role in any of this. Even at age 84, she still doesn't have the ability to see her situation through more adult eyes, and, let's face it, she never will. It is what it is, like you say. But, it also shows how strong these stereotypes permeate our society and probably always will, especially if even SMs seem to have no problem perpetuating these myths.

Personally, I've have never had an issue with the GIVEGIVEGIVE, as you say above. What I have an issue with is the demoralizing way SMs are thought of and treated and the minimizing of SM's role as dad's wife, at pretty much any cost. I don't care if the kids get 20+ presents. Maybe you do, but I don't. What I have an issue with, is how SMs are treated and thought of as more of an indentured servant or concubine or handmaid vs. dad's wife. SM is expected to put up, put out, and shut up, for the most part, and have no say what goes on in her own home, because as we all know, the home, even when new little ones are present, is supposed to revolve around the initial family's needs. Jealousy may and can come into play for some SPs. But, for the majority, I think, jealousy has nothing to do with it, unless you consider marrying someone and expecting to be treated like a spouse vs. being treated like a sloppy seconds handmaid or cabana boy somehow being jealous? And, I can see even some SMs thinking that, because that is sure the message society has been sending re: SPs for years and years: If you ever expect to be treated like some kind of equal whenever you are around DH and/or his children or BM, then SM is just being 'jealous of her sweetie's relationship with his kids.' We all know SM has no right to expect to be taken seriously by anyone, don't we? All I know is, I for one, am not drinking that Koolaid.

Java_Junkie's picture

Personally, I've have never had an issue with the GIVEGIVEGIVE, as you say above.
I was describing the parents who are Disneyland parents. Many of us here have seen that and know it's a slippery slope when you're blending families.

What I have an issue with is the demoralizing way SMs are thought of and treated and the minimizing of SM's role as dad's wife, at pretty much any cost. I don't care if the kids get 20+ presents. Maybe you do, but I don't. What I have an issue with, is how SMs are treated and thought of as more of an indentured servant or concubine or handmaid vs. dad's wife. SM is expected to put up, put out, and shut up, for the most part, and have no say what goes on in her own home, because as we all know, the home, even when new little ones are present, is supposed to revolve around the initial family's needs.
As the SDad, I have a similar issue with being marginalized in my own home as well. It seems that the Step gets "outvoted" a lot. I wish it wasn't that way... but DW lobbies for her kids to get all the things they want, and I think it's rude as He11 to hold the collateral over everyone's head. "Hey, I have paid the mortgage and spent $450 on groceries here, think I indeed SHOULD have a say in this!" But I'm about to start doing that. "Hey, I clean and maintain the pool, and would really appreciate it if your kids didn't treat me like their lowly butler and trash the pool, and leave their junk all over the place. I work my tail off around here and deserve some respect."

Jealousy may and can come into play for some SPs. But, for the majority, I think, jealousy has nothing to do with it, unless you consider marrying someone and expecting to be treated like a spouse vs. being treated like a sloppy seconds handmaid or cabana boy somehow being jealous? .
Jealousy? Resentment? Cliquemongering? Call it what you will, there's always an US vs THEM thing going on. I've been in both roles and know it can be pretty messed up. When my son came to live with us, whenever DW pointed out his "behavior," I would talk to him. He wound up going back to mommy's house. When I point out things to DW, she defends them as if I'm expecting them to be perfect. Just my opinion, we need to go to a counselor to get changes coming because she thinks my complaints are not valid - while her SAME or VERY similar complaints about my son were somehow very valid. This is the Steps' Paradox.

And, I can see even some SMs thinking that, because that is sure the message society has been sending re: SPs for years and years: If you ever expect to be treated like some kind of equal whenever you are around DH and/or his children or BM, then SM is just being 'jealous of her sweetie's relationship with his kids.' We all know SM has no right to expect to be taken seriously by anyone, don't we? All I know is, I for one, am not drinking that Koolaid.
This is exactly my point. We will always be unhappy if we expect to be treated as equals by people who will never see us as equals; if this doesn't work for you, don't become a step. If you can accept this, you'll probably squeak by at least till the SKids grow up and get out on their own.