You are here

One of the things we face...

Java_Junkie's picture

Submitted by Java_Junkie on Fri, 12/15/2017 - 2:48pm

Forums: 
Blended Family Issues

After a divorce or other type of split up, there's usually a court-ordered decree that states visitation rights and responsibilities of the birthparents. Code of conduct, all that jazz. This is a court-ordered document, and while they may vary a bit, there's a large degree of similarity between them.

As a step-kid or a step-parent (I've been both), we're all at the whims of two people who loved one another at some point - but they turned into people who couldn't live with each other for whatever reason(s), and they frequently push and shove as much as they pull and jerk each other around (to WILDLY varying degrees) or just plain stonewall over things.

And the STEPS are expected to deal with this (either directly or in a support role). That's a strain...

And oftentimes, the steps wind up getting jerked around enough that we can't stand it - but we're generally compassionate enough to *understand* what's going on in everyone else's lives (let's face it, we're usually pretty responsible and tend to be the ones who will pick a broken glass up off the floor instead of walking around it because - well - that's what we do). Many of us like to be involved, like to be included, like to be part of a family.

And when we feel like someone is jerking us around, we don't like it.
Wow.
We're HUMAN.
Shocker, right?
It's not steps who want to be treated special or anything; steps want what EVERYONE wants:
To not be jerked around, to be respected and appreciated.
We're not asking too much - though to a couple people who have been honing their jerking-around and passive-aggressive skills, we get bathed by that same washcloth, and it ain't always so nice.

So really, if we steps were to draft a list of Inalienable Rights that all the bios need to know, what would we request?

Sure... As you may already know:
You're not my child(ren). You are my number one adult's top kid(s). Your parent is special enough to me that I automatically think you're special. Don't let that go to your head. Smile
I'm not your parent. I am your parent's number one adult. I'm special to your parent and hope you'll recognize that. I promise, I won't let it go to my head.
I love and choose to be with your parent over anyone else, and hope you'll appreciate that fact.
Just because your folks didn't get along, doesn't mean you have to choose one over the other. They both should be special to you, and I will never step in the way of that (no pun intended).
I will support THIS parent in any way I feel comfortable; the more you accept me, the more comfort I have in giving my support. If I feel uncomfortable with your behavior, you'll get no support from me.
I am NOT here to support your OTHER parent; the more strain THAT parent puts on THIS parent, the less flexible I will become. Sorry, that's just how it goes in the world of loyalties - my primary loyalties are with THIS parent and OUR relationship. I'm special to THIS parent by choice, and I'll put in my full 100% - I don't have more than 100% to give, especially when it comes to giving to someone who your parent doesn't get along with.
Our home is OUR home. We share it 100% because this is the only place we live.
You're here 50% of the time, and this is your home during those times. The rest of the time, you're at your other parent's house, and we plan on not feeding or entertaining you during those periods.

Sorry for rambling. It just seems we should have a manifesto of sorts LOL...

Veritas's picture

Submitted by Veritas on Fri, 12/15/2017 - 3:46pm

I had found this awhile ago on a narc website and adopted it:

Step Family Rights and Responsibilities

1. I will be part of the decision making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. People outside the immediate family, including ex-spouses, in-laws, or adult children, cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
3. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
4. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit, and how long they will stay.
5. I will not be solely responsible for housework, chores will be distributed fairly.
6. I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
8. I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.
9. My spouse and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
10. OUR MARRIAGE IS OUR FIRST PRIORITY, AND WE WILL ADDRESS ALL ISSUES TOGETHER.

All stepparents have the right not to have to put up with people telling us that we "knew what you were getting into when you got married." That is a way of people trying to demean what we are experiencing. All stepparents have been told this, whether by our partners or people out in the world.

(from the Narcissists Suck website http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/)

Edit to add: I just found some more info in my notes that fits nicely here also...

Assertiveness rights
I have the right to ask for what I want
I have the right to say no to request or demands I cant meet
I have the right to express my feelings positive or negative
I have the right to change my mind
I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect
I have the right to determine my own priorities
I have the right not to be responsible for others behavior,actions,feelings,or problems,
I have the right to expect honest from others
I have the right to be angry wth someone I love
I have the right to feel scared and say Im afraid
I have the right not to give reasons for my behavior
I have the right to make decisions based of my feelings
I have the right to my own needs for personal time
I have the right to be playful and frivolus
I have the right to be healthier than those around me
I have the right to be in a non abusive environmenet
I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people
I am just as good, just as valuable,and just as important as anyone elese as a human being
People can influence me but overall people cant make me or cause me to feel something. Its my choice.

Java_Junkie's picture

Submitted by Java_Junkie on Tue, 12/19/2017 - 3:14pm

A great quote:
"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."

I would like to make a simple list, no more than 3-5 items, but let's face it... SParenting is more complicated than that.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Fri, 12/15/2017 - 3:46pm

Java, it is not always a case of two people who once loved each other. All too often it's two people who carelessly had unprotected sex because they were horny. Love, even LIKE, is not always a factor.

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Fri, 12/15/2017 - 3:47pm

I am NOT here to support your OTHER parent; the more strain THAT parent puts on THIS parent, the less flexible I will become.
----------------------------------------------
BINGO Smile Well said ^^^^^^

Try to remember that:
Not all divorced couples were in love.

I CAN TELL YOU THAT for sure. I know this to be very true.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Fri, 12/15/2017 - 3:55pm

BioHo got so beeyotchy that I became completely INflexible.

No, Aniki will NOT
* pick up/drop off a skid
* skidsit until DH gets home
* be home for skid to retrieve homework/game/clothing (in fact, Aniki will jump in the car and LEAVE)
* do ANYTHING that will assist BioHo in the slightest.

I USED to be accommodating and nice. That ship has sailed, been set on fire and burned and is now ashes drifting in the sea of Yesterday.

StepUltimate's picture

Submitted by StepUltimate on Sat, 12/16/2017 - 1:17am

"I USED to be accommodating and nice. That ship has sailed, been set on fire and burned and is now ashes drifting in the sea of Yesterday."

OMG. You are fierce.

ldvilen's picture

Submitted by ldvilen on Sat, 12/16/2017 - 5:21am

Yep, JJ. Biggest losers in a divorce are not dad and mom, but their children and the people dad and mom go on to remarry. Why? Because they are both expected to suck it up and take it.

Java_Junkie's picture

Submitted by Java_Junkie on Mon, 12/18/2017 - 8:37am

Thanks. As a SKid, it sucked to feel like suddenly, my dad allowed this lady into the house and allowed her to essentially say I didn’t matter *as much* as her own kids. That sucked... until later, when the results of her parenting became apparent and I had moved on to some success as an adult and her kids did not (and it was two LONG AND UGLY stories).

As a SDad, I now know the struggle she faced, and believe she was every but as insecure about the merger as I was as a teen. I’m seeing it for what it is... SKids were raised w their mom for 6 years and they bonded through thick and thin. Money was tight, though she wracked up a lot of CC debt along the way to give them a lot of stuff they wanted. They love mama.
Then I came into the scene, and we’re both happy, it’s great.
But the kids seem to think it’s still the Mom And Us Show, and that I’m pretty much nobody special. Why they see me as nobody special is pretty much on DW.

secret's picture

Submitted by secret on Mon, 12/18/2017 - 8:52am

I don't know why some people are dense enough to think that everyone else will hold their child on as high a pedestal as they do.

I don't care what his kid thinks of me, and I don't care what my kids think of him any more than I can what the neighbor has to say about us. It's our individual personal choice to be together, it has nothing to do with the kids, and will not be affected by the kids. Kids don't get to dictate an adult's relationship... and if the adult is willing to even consider the kids' opinion on it, them clearly they don't value the relationship enough to give it their best, because junior clearly comes first. No issue with that, but it's not for me.

My children are not my world... they are a part of it. Not everything I do is for my children - most of it is for ME. I need to take care of MYSELF, before I can take care of anyone else. Next, are those who I NEED to take care of... and after that, those I CHOOSE to take care of.

I don't owe anyone anything, and I've raised my kids with that mentality. I'm sure as sh!t not going to bend over backwards to make it easy for someone else just because they feel they're entitled to my time, energy or resources.... and I'm sure as sh!t not going to suck it up and take whatever gets thrown at me - I'm in my world, and I can choose to decline that treatment.

Java_Junkie's picture

Submitted by Java_Junkie on Mon, 12/18/2017 - 3:29pm

Agree.

"My children are not my world... they are a part of it. Not everything I do is for my children - most of it is for ME. I need to take care of MYSELF, before I can take care of anyone else. Next, are those who I NEED to take care of... and after that, those I CHOOSE to take care of."
I can hear it now: "WHAT KIND OF MOTHER ARE YOU???" Smile
But the bottom line is, YOU'RE RIGHT.
Something I keep seeing here is that MANY (not all) StepProblems come from the bioparent we steps are dealing with.