DonnaReed's picture

New here- alone time with adult kids

Hello all,

Background- I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years. I have 3 teens, one at home and 2 in college. He has 2 daughter 21 and 18. We do not live together due to the kids and the fact that trying to combine homes with 5 almost grown kids seems silly and have decided to wait. The problem is with my bf and his relationship with his oldest d. The girls won't stay with their mother because they don't like her new husband, so they stay with him full time. When his oldest is home from college, he wants to spend every second with her that he can. I understand that because she is graduating and probably moving away in a few months, but the problem is he seems to intentionally exclude me. She is home now for break and I haven't seen him since Saturday. This weekend he mentioned that he was taking his girls and their boyfriends to a nearby town for dinner. I asked what time, assuming I was invited, and he said he wanted some alone time with the kids. I got kind of upset and said it wasn't really alone time if everyone was going. Basically I'm the only one excluded. Is this normal? He has a lot of guilt and fears about the girls leaving home. I do get time with my kids alone and enjoy it, but it's almost like he never wants me around when she is home. For God's sake I haven't been around at all this week.

notsobad's picture

No, it's not normal. He

No, it's not normal.
He treating her like the loved and cherished one and you like the side piece who's there for him when she's unavailable.
The reason doesn't really matter. He's treating you badly.

MurphysLaw's picture

In a nutshell... His daughter

In a nutshell...
His daughter is the woman in his life, his new wife, she calls the shots, always has and always will, the rest of HER family follows or they will feel her wrath.
I’m gonna bet he is as giddy as a school girl that “the girls” have turned their backs on their own mother since she has decided to have a life with a new husband, and I bet the new husband is thrilled The the little b!tches are gone (for now).
Get used to being an afterthought.
Sorry for your troubles

"...you know what? Now I have my boundaries drawn, and tbh if anything better came up, he's lost the absolute loyalty I would have felt."~SMForever

"I own a potted plant with more purpose and follow through then step sloth."~Lilywen

DonnaReed's picture

Yes, he loves that they don't

Yes, he loves that they don't see their mom. He says he doesn't, but it's obvious. He is very bitter toward his ex.

MurphysLaw's picture

Anyone with the handle “Donna

Anyone with the handle “Donna Reed “ is okay in my book & has to be a good person at heart...

Look, the guy is using you to fill in the down time ...his daughter is not going to let your relationship grow into anything more than him being available when the girls are not.
And never think just because you & him had XYZ planned for weeks that he won’t skip out & run when they beckon...
But you already know this, deep down that this just “isn’t normal “, that’s why you’re here...

"...you know what? Now I have my boundaries drawn, and tbh if anything better came up, he's lost the absolute loyalty I would have felt."~SMForever

"I own a potted plant with more purpose and follow through then step sloth."~Lilywen

SugarSpice's picture

since the skids grew up and

since the skids grew up and now see the cash cow their father is, all the skids are now flocking around dh and flattering him for money.

bm is now on her third or fourth husband and is rarely in contact with her offspring.

Dovina's picture

Yes that's normal for a

Yes that's normal for a guilty daddy enmeshed with an entitled daughter, unfortunately.
Do not want to sound negative at all, but from what you have written, be prepared to be continuously excluded and the last place ribbon regarding his daughter. Don't get me wrong, when she is busy with her life your BF will want you around. Rinse repeat.
Either clear up how you feel about this to your BF and see if the BF adjusts his behavior, or be prepared to always feel second best. If that's the case I would find a BF who cherishes you.

"I can't control your behavior...But I will not apologize for refusing to be disrespected or be mistreated. I have standards; step up or step out" ~ Steve Maraboli

Merry's picture

Partners in normal

Partners in normal relationships discuss plans--not announce an activity and by the way you're not invited. And he's showing his kids that it's not important to treat you as his partner, because he certainly isn't. You're the side chick -- but it seems he prefers the company of his daughters. If the girls specifically asked him not to include you, then he demonstrated that he doesn't have the cajones to tell them no, and he'd rather upset you than upset them. If he chose not to invite you, well, he's either afraid of his daughters, and again willing to upset you, or he just doesn't want your company. Either way, no good.

I have no problem with DH spending alone time with his adult kids. I wish he would do more of it. But I can't imagine him saying I wasn't invited to something. That's just not what loving partners do.

Dovina's picture

"That's just not what loving

"That's just not what loving partners do" Exactly Merry!

"I can't control your behavior...But I will not apologize for refusing to be disrespected or be mistreated. I have standards; step up or step out" ~ Steve Maraboli

theoldredhen's picture

Hon, I think that you had

Hon, I think that you had better stick around this site for a few days and read as much as you can about Daddies enmeshed with their daughters. Trust me, it's some nasty and hurtful stuff.

Men who place their daughters before their girlfriends/wives/partners do not change as the years go by. The daughter will always have Daddy at her beck and call whenever she chooses and regardless of any prior plans that you and he have made. Your boyfriend has already shown you where his loyalties lie: believe him!

You will have to decide what you are prepared to tolerate in order to maintain this relationship. If being an 'also ran' is acceptable to you, go for it. Otherwise, bait your hook and start fishing for a man who will put you first.

DonnaReed's picture

Thanks everyone. The girls

Thanks everyone. The girls seem to genuinely like me and I have never had an issue with them treating me badly. He just seems so possessive of his time with them. Like we can't all go together? I'm getting tired of feeling in the way.

SacrificialLamb's picture

You have not had an issue

You have not had an issue with his DDs because they know you are not competition to them. So many of us had SDs who were accepting of us until they realized we were permanently intruding upon their defined family. These girls may think you are daddy's booty call; they see how he treats you as well.

MurphysLaw's picture

What Oldredhen said... Hey if

What Oldredhen said...

Hey if he’s a good time, takes you out & treats you decent (except when the girls are around) continue to “date” him, but for heavens sakes don’t put all your eggs in one basket with this guy...he ain’t The One...if you know what I mean....

My situation was/is similar...my SO is going to allow his adult kids (21,23,25) (and any little slut of the month they drag home AND their little dog, cat or goldfish) to live at home for ever, till he dies, then skids BM will move back in to the “family homestead” to sponge off of them & put a second, then 3rd mortgage on the place...ahhh just like old times

"...you know what? Now I have my boundaries drawn, and tbh if anything better came up, he's lost the absolute loyalty I would have felt."~SMForever

"I own a potted plant with more purpose and follow through then step sloth."~Lilywen

DonnaReed's picture

Very true. His youngest

Very true. His youngest daughter decided to live at home instead of going to college with no end in sight. I love him dearly but am not happy with the situation at all. And the financial issues are no joke. I'm just glad I don't live there. I can distance myself from the mess.

MurphysLaw's picture

Once I accepted the fact that

Once I accepted the fact that my SO is who he is, ain’t gonna change no matter what he “says” he’s gonna do... I changed, I’m about as “invested “ in our relationship now as he is...
I just don’t give a fck anymore...

"...you know what? Now I have my boundaries drawn, and tbh if anything better came up, he's lost the absolute loyalty I would have felt."~SMForever

"I own a potted plant with more purpose and follow through then step sloth."~Lilywen

ms_traverse's picture

I came into the picture when

I came into the picture when my bf's two oldest were close to moving out to college (where they are now). He only got them every other weekend. So when he had them I wouldn't usually see them a lot if at all. I understood that he was trying to spend a lot of time together with them before they went away. He would take just them camping or plan stuff for just them and not invite me. I saw myself as the new gf and my relationship with two older daughters really wasn't as important (the awkwardness of getting to know someone new and traversing that) when he had such little time with them before they left. I was completely fine with that (I'm an introvert busy with my own kids). But now it's getting weird when we talk about Christmas and what he should do for that... come to my family's Christmas or have a Christmas alone with them. Or when I don't get invited to their outings... but then planned my own vacation including him and created this big mess by not thinking to invite his girls. I do not have much a relationship with them. If I would start again it would have been much healthier for me to be apart of their time together. So I don't have any advice. Just someone else with weird college age kid things going on. And it kind of sucks. Sorry.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You could maybe justify his

You could maybe justify his having dinner with just his girls. There is no way to justify him taking his girls and their boyfriends and not you! That is just rude and somewhat odd.

StepMat789's picture

This would put me on the

This would put me on the offensive greatly and I would be questioning what I am really getting out of this relationship. If this was a dinner with just the daughter, I see this as being a father - daughter thing. But, when the BF is invited and you are not, that is pretty much an asshat move. Three years in a relationship is a long time to be excluded from a dinner with the SDs.

- I am sorry, did I roll my eyes out loud?
- Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.

-Familygate #2018

StepMat

DonnaReed's picture

Exactly. He has gone to see

Exactly. He has gone to see his daughter at school without me and it doesn't bother me at all. I will do the same with my kids. But to specifically tell me he doesn't want me to go is weird and shady.

StepMat789's picture

Once my HUSBAND planned a

Once my HUSBAND planned a "date" for his daughter, myself and him to go to a dinner theater. My children were with their dad and it was just to be us three. I was actually looking forward to spending time with SD. Thirty mins before we left my SD had a complete melt down because I was going. Needless to say they went and I stayed behind. I was angry and embarrassed. I was 100% convinced it was my SD way to show who the big dog was in the house.

As they returned, I hit the light right when they pulled in the drive. He tippy toed upstairs wanting to talk. I flipped the light on, my eyes were swollen with the tears I had shed. Never in my life had I ever had anyone treat me with such disrespect. I looked him square in the eye and said, I hope you had a wonderful evening with SD. You should enjoy time with your children. I then took his hand and firmly said never again will you choose to your SD melt downs over our relationship. I would have happily enjoyed an evening with my friends or home alone, if they were planning to go out with just the two of them. Seven years later, I have not been in the situation again.

- I am sorry, did I roll my eyes out loud?
- Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.

-Familygate #2018

StepMat

SugarSpice's picture

the skids especially the

the skids especially the daughter were always trying to turn their father into a husband or boyfriend.

i was often in tears for years when dh treated me do poorly. it took time for me to develop a thick skin.

the skids thanks to being raised by bm, have made totally messes of their lives with stupid decisions and treating others badly.

now i get to hear all the horrible things that happen to them and laugh to myself.

what goes around some around.

notasm3's picture

Try ghosting him. He may not

Try ghosting him. He may not even notice which will tell you everything you need to know.

"Education is not the filling of a pail, but rather the lighting of a fire." William Butler Yeats

MurphysLaw's picture

Good advice.

Good advice.

"...you know what? Now I have my boundaries drawn, and tbh if anything better came up, he's lost the absolute loyalty I would have felt."~SMForever

"I own a potted plant with more purpose and follow through then step sloth."~Lilywen

notsobad's picture

Oh, he'll make the booty call

Oh, he'll make the booty call once his daughter is gone. She is meeting all his emotional needs but he can't sleep with her.

mro's picture

" graduating and probably

" graduating and probably moving away in a few months"
Be prepared for that not to happen. You are wise to not move forward until everybody is on his or her own. Mini-wife will likely return "home " and settle in with Daddy if he does not put his foot down.

I don't get the obsession with spending alone time on "dates" with adult kids of the opposite sex. I get an occasional special occasion , but isn't it healthier for people do most of their socializing with people their own age?

Curious Georgetta's picture

The daughters and there boy

The daughters and there boy friends were obviously the kids that he was referencing. This event did not include you His kids may have asked that this
event be just with the father and boy friends. That is not s slight to you. They may just not view you as family, and you are not yet their family in any real sense of the word.

If they only see their father when they are home on break , you are not losing any serious amount of time with him.

He may realize that the time is drawing near that they will likely be on their own and he will have limited opportunity to spend time with them

Remember ,he is your partner but not your possession. If he is not trying to curtail , limit or intrude on the time that you spend with your kids, you should extend that same courtesy to him.

He sees that the kids are avoiding their mother
because of a partner that they do not like. Unde those circumstances, he is probably trying to make his home environment particularly welcoming to
them. This is not about you. You can make this situation be about you, but you will likely lose more than you gain.

still learning's picture

"They may just not view you

"They may just not view you as family, and you are not yet their family in any real sense of the word."

This is true now and it will remain true if you do move in together and marry. The kids will never treat you like family and you will always remain the perpetual outsider. Moving in together and marriage will only compound the current issues w/your SO and adult children. DH will always be the disney dad fighting BM for his childrens affections while you are excluded and left at home.

Keep your own place, space and sanity. You're old enough to know that what you see is what you get, he is not going to change.

Look, I'm trying to rant here. Stop interrupting me with "facts" and "reason."

Curious Georgetta's picture

The daughters and there boy

The daughters and there boy friends were obviously the kids that he was referencing. This event did not include you His kids may have asked that this
event be just with the father and boy friends. That is not s slight to you. They may just not view you as family, and you are not yet their family in any real sense of the word.

If they only see their father when they are home on break , you are not losing any serious amount of time with him.

He may realize that the time is drawing near that they will likely be on their own and he will have limited opportunity to spend time with them

Remember ,he is your partner but not your possession. If he is not trying to curtail , limit or intrude on the time that you spend with your kids, you should extend that same courtesy to him.

He sees that the kids are avoiding their mother
because of a partner that they do not like. Unde those circumstances, he is probably trying to make his home environment particularly welcoming to
them. This is not about you. You can make this situation be about you, but you will likely lose more than you gain.

SacrificialLamb's picture

First off, learn to hit enter

First off, learn to hit enter only once. I noticed that most every time you post, it's multiples. For a phony persona made up solely to generate comments on the site, you figure you would know the drill.

Secondly, the SD's BOYFRIENDS are invited but not the father's PARTNER. Why is that ok? These boyfriends are not family. Why can't ALL partners attend, rather than just the SD's? Why is it ok that if SD picks a guy up off the street and has him down at the breakfast table the next morning, he should be accepted, but if Dad has a long time girlfriend she is supposed to suck it up in favor of not upsetting the FIRST FAMILY?

I would be glad you are a "former therapist" except you would have to exist as something other than a persona.

Dovina's picture

As usual Sacrficial breaks it

As usual Sacrficial breaks it down in a clear concise manner!

"I can't control your behavior...But I will not apologize for refusing to be disrespected or be mistreated. I have standards; step up or step out" ~ Steve Maraboli

SacrificialLamb's picture

Oh, thank you Dovina. I

Oh, thank you Dovina. I understand this dynamic completely and know you do as well. I have seen where an SD's revolving door of boyfriends, sometimes several at the same time, is something that should be accepted. And when she finally decided on ONE BOYFRIEND, his family, including his step-family, were suddenly HER family. But me, her dad's wife? NAH.

I remember going through stores with her and DH a year ago while she was buying presents for her boyfriends step-family. And I was cracking up under my breath because all I had received ever from either SD was a plastic $1 toy from Target. This is while their father was handing both kids $500 checks at Christmas.

Aniki's picture

Lambie... <3 xoxo

Lambie... <3 xoxo

I decided to stop reaching out. It's just asking to get my hand slapped. ~Aniki

The juice ain't worth the squeeze. ~SourGrapes

Shun her like an Amish chick who got caught wearing a thong. ~Echo

Peanut575's picture

Earlier today, one of the

Earlier today, one of the posters here told a story of when she sat HER DD down and told her ‘if you’re not nice to your dads new partner I will kick you a$$. He will always be your daddy but you want this woman in his life unless you are willing to take full responsibility for him when he’s no longer able to care for himself’. She said the nastiness to both bio-parents new partners stopped after that.

THAT is a mature, adult response to their child who is behaving like an absolute sh*t bc they wish their parents were still together. I hope if my DH and I ever divorce & we have kids, it’s the kind of response I would give if my child (young or adult) was behaving maliciously toward my or my ex’s new partner.

It is not ok to expect your partner to take a backseat to your children like this. If it was a daddy daughter date that would be one thing, but this wasn’t. The girls boyfriends were there, and the only reason OP wasn’t invited was bc her SO’s daughters were being spoiled, entitled little brats & he allowed it, instead of teaching them manners.

If my DH took his sons & their (future) gfs out to dinner & said I wasn’t invited, I’d be devastated. Then angry. Divorced parents are allowed to move on. They’re allowed to be happy. And they’re allowed to expect & demand their children treat their new partners with respect. Anything less than that is genuinely sad.

Ispofacto's picture

^ THIS. ^ The fact that SD

^ THIS. ^

The fact that SD refuses to live with BM because she "doesn't like BM's new husband" was a red flag to me. She sounds like an entitled princess. You have a mini-wife on your hands.

My DH loves spending time with me. He wants me with him for everything. He couldn't wait to integrate me into his family. As it should be. OP, this is what YOU DESERVE.

Restraining orders are just another way of saying "I love you".

BM to DD28, DS26, DS22 • : * ¨ ¨ * : • Custodial SM to SD13 - aka "Killjoy"

StepMat789's picture

What a great post! The

What a great post! The bottom line is most step parents do not have the respect from the SKIDS on either side that they should have.

I feel for the poster as this is common behavior from a Disney dad who meets the needs of the children first over the mate. Girlfriends can turn into wives and the intentional "you are not invited" mentality gives way for the SKIDS to treat the GF/Wife as anything less than an equal.

- I am sorry, did I roll my eyes out loud?
- Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.

-Familygate #2018

StepMat

theoldredhen's picture

Georgetta, please refer to

Georgetta, please refer to the heading on StepTalk.org: 'Where Stepparents Come to Vent.' You are not, nor have ever been a stepmother. Additionally, owing to your dismal grasp of basic grammar (i.e. their, not there boyfriends), you can hardly claim to have enjoyed a university education, let alone qualify as a therapist.

As mentioned by Lamb, you also insist upon posting twice on nearly all of your rants. Why is that? In order to be twice as annoying? Nothing you say is either relevant or positive yet you WILL do your best to upset folks and stir up dissension. Get some help; you need it. Hopefully, from a better therapist than you claim to be.

Dovina's picture

Redhen love this!! She is a

Redhen love this!!
She is a therapist in her own mind. Most likely a disgruntled step daughter who never got over daddy getting remarried. So she invented this persona and goes on sites like this to minimize, diminish, and to remind the SM or SO that they aren't family.IMO even worse advice saying if you are excluded, it isn't about the SM, and SM's should stop making it all about them. Because they really don't matter.
She posts twice because you know that old saying "if you tell a lie repeatedly it becomes the truth " Well at least in her mind.
Disclaimer. This is all speculation of course Smiling

"I can't control your behavior...But I will not apologize for refusing to be disrespected or be mistreated. I have standards; step up or step out" ~ Steve Maraboli

Curious Georgetta's picture

My problems were posting and

My problems were posting and auto correct are related to a recent injury and being restricted to the use of a tablet with small touch options as a form of physical therapy. However, even with my current limitations, I seem to have better manners then some who respond to my posts.

You are not required to agree with me. This is an open forum where opinions and experiences are voiced. Good manners would dictate that you allow everyone 's thoughts to have a voice . Clearly. a difference of outlook troubles you.

Perhaps, the inability to accept differing perspectives is the reason that you have problems
With your step relationships.

Gimlet's picture

Why are you so invested in

Why are you so invested in the first family dynamic? I'm genuinely curious, I don't think I've ever seen you advocate for a step parent.

Abusers are the angler fish of humanity - they dangle a bright glowing ball of love in front of you so you don't see the teeth in the dark. ~/u/silentgreen85

There you go. Givin' a f*ck when it ain't your turn to give a f*ck. - Bunk

Aniki's picture

This is most certainly NOT

This is most certainly NOT the place for 'first family dynamic'. Puzzled

I decided to stop reaching out. It's just asking to get my hand slapped. ~Aniki

The juice ain't worth the squeeze. ~SourGrapes

Shun her like an Amish chick who got caught wearing a thong. ~Echo

Aniki's picture

"This is an open forum where

"This is an open forum where opinions and experiences are voiced."

The key word is EXPERIENCE. You do not have any experience in Step Life. Your opinions are exactly that: opinions. You have no basis in fact and can only guess.

I decided to stop reaching out. It's just asking to get my hand slapped. ~Aniki

The juice ain't worth the squeeze. ~SourGrapes

Shun her like an Amish chick who got caught wearing a thong. ~Echo

Aniki's picture

RedHen, thank you for

RedHen, thank you for speaking the truth!

I decided to stop reaching out. It's just asking to get my hand slapped. ~Aniki

The juice ain't worth the squeeze. ~SourGrapes

Shun her like an Amish chick who got caught wearing a thong. ~Echo

SugarSpice's picture

when sd was a young adult she

when sd was a young adult she would hint for her father to take her for rides in the convertible classic car. as a teen she was the life of the party then she moved in with us for college and had no friends. she had very few dates and was using her father as a boy friend. she looked like a very young mistress with an older man the way she hung all over him.

she would see me as a romantic rival. it was very unhealthy. one time she went out camping with her father and several adult male friends.

there she was a young woman with seven men in their fifties. she soaked up all the attention. i was disgusted.

marblefawn's picture

If there was a solution to

If there was a solution to your problem, half of us wouldn't be on this site!

I'll tell you one thing. You are brilliant to not be married or shacking up with this guy. Absolutely keep it that way until you are satisfied with how things are regarding his kids.

If you want to see how much he'll bend on this issue, tell him the truth: if he wants a Donna Reed family in the future, he needs his kids to get to know you, to expect you to be a regular presence, to see that HE expects you to be a regular presence even when they are there. They will follow his lead in their treatment of you. If he treats you as something that can be "paused" until they're unavailable, they will all treat you that way. He is setting them up to treat you as disposable. This is a solid argument to present to him. If he can't see it that way, use this time to start thinking of life without him.

It's later than you think.