You are here

Dreading the holidays now

JustGettingUsedToThis's picture

My husband and I have six children between us, my 9 and 11 year olds; his are 10, 15, 15, and 17. We decided to go out of town this year and celebrate Christmas with our extended family, some of which have never met my step kids. The two fifteen year olds cannot come with us, so out of my four step children, it is my 10 year old step daughter and 17 year old step son who are coming with us.

I'm embarrassed to say that I'm a little bit embarrassed of my step kids for different reasons. The 10 year old is obese, not the best looking, has terrible manners/mannerisms,and extremely arrogant about her high intelligence (she constantly talks about being the smartest person in the room, corrects adults constantly, etc.) Don't even get me started on how my husband allows her to dress (either way too tight/shows her butt & belly or way too big/baggy and stained/slovenly looking). I've given up completely. I don't buy her properly fitting clothes any more, even check her hygiene any more because everything I do is wrong and gets complained about. Seriously, I spent $300 on her for a nice looking set of clothes once and all I heard back are that she didn't love them and my husband thought the clothes were too big when actually they just weren't skin tight. I'm over that. No more.

The 17 year old was raised by an extremely religious science-denying mother. He does not believe in evolution and believes that lizards are actually dinosaurs which have not yet reached their full growth because their lifespan is so long. In other words, dinosaurs never really existed, they were just lizards. And it would be one thing if he just thought those things in his heads, but he constantly tried to engage people in debate about things like this.

But those aren't even the things I'm necessarily most embarrassed about. They're going to see how much the 10 year old eats. They're going to see her table manners. The way she hunches over her food as if someone's going to steal it from her. The way she literally shovels the food into her mouth...doesn't even lift her fork off the plate. She picks up the plate and slides the food into her mouth from the plate. She's buck toothed and chews with her mouth open. She snorts to clear her throat constantly. When we eat together, I do everything I can to not look at her or else i lose my appetite.

My extended family is...prim and proper. They are all beautiful, gorgeous, fit, dress well, etc. They're going to be aghast and not want us back.

I wish I didn't care. I wish the rational part of my mind could just say to myself, "This is not a reflection of you and even if it were, they're children, and people should be kind and not so vain." But these thoughts always creep back in. And to tell you the truth, perhaps I'm just vain as well.

I'm also dreading the drive there. The 17 year old will be telling inappropriate jokes to see how much he can get away with (my husband is deaf, can't hear what the kids say when he's driving, and acts like I'm a tattle-tell and should just handle it myself instead of telling him about it). The 10 year old will be constantly snorting, swallowing her spit, sneezing all over me. She's constantly ill or ravaged with lice because mom is negligent and since she sits in the middle seat, when she sneezes, her snot goes all over us in the front seat. My husband doesn't seem to care AND he gets pissed off at me when I get grossed out. I'm sorry, it's effing disgusting to be sneezed on constantly, even by your own kids.

Okay, turned into a bit of a rant. We can't get a refund on the hotel so I can't back out.

I'm probably a terrible person for posting this.

nengooseus's picture

Wow.

I'm not a fan of my skids, but this is even further than I could go. Yikes.

I get frustrations with BMs, I get skids that are just jerks. I get a lot of reasons to hate or to be embarrassed by your skids. You almost had me, in fact with the haughty attitude and poor table manners. But this is about your ugly fat skid meeting your beautiful, fit family.

You're being superficial and mean. It takes a lot form me to stick up for skids, but you've done it.

Bravo.

callmedone's picture

Yeah. I'm definitely not a fan of my SD either, but this kid is 10 years old and obese and apparently dealing with head lice due to BM's neglect. Hard to imagine what she's having to deal with at school considering all that. I do get your frustrations.. kids can be tough and crazy-making even when they're our own little darlings. I just hope this kid isn't sensing your disgust with her. Sounds like she could sure use somebody in her corner. Hopefully somebody.. her dad, a teacher, grandparent, somebody!.. is showing her the compassion and empathy and maybe even adult guidance/encouragement that you're unable to right now.

Hang in there. One thing about it, for better or worse, the holidays will be over soon.

momjeans's picture

If I were you, I’d try to tactfully forewarn the family memebers about the 17 year old. Religious science deniers/conspiracy theorists are rarely ever fun to endure during holiday get togethers.

The 10 year old? She’s 10. I like the suggestion of saying something like Evil3 shared. “I’m not allowed to say anything.”
It removes accountability while justifying why you’re not visibly losing your marbles.

JustGettingUsedToThis's picture

It's my extended family that is fit and beautiful and always perfectly dressed. My husband and I are...average, I guess?

I don't say these things out loud to anyone for any reason. I thought that was what a forum was for. Anonymous venting and explaining your worries, no matter how small, silly, or vain.

Just1question's picture

Have you or DH ever shown her how it looks when she eats like that? Not to embarrass her, but to give her a realistic idea about how she eats. Perhaps a minor lesson on table etiquette. DH needs to step up his game and not allow her to sneeze all over the place. That’s just rude. Use the nook of the elbow, inside the shirt, or a tissue if it’s available. That is totally uncalled for and really is a risk to the other kids in the house if she’s sick and spreading germs everywhere. Also, personally, I think the old way of “being in your best behavior” would be applicable in this situation. As far as her clothing-seems like you’ve tried and struck out-oh well. SS and his dinosaurs views? Show him some dinasour bones lol lol

SacrificialLamb's picture

As important as you think appearances are, why did you marry into this horrific family? Maybe since you lowered yourself to accept them, your perfect family might also?

Puzzled9401's picture

I understand. My SD is an embarrassment to me as well due to her hyperactivity around my very low-key laid back family. First time she came with us to my Aunt’s house she was bouncing off the walls and during dinner started (absentmindedly) scratching her butter knife into the beautiful antique carved table we were all eating at. I wanted to murder her.

Stepped in what momma's picture

I guess I don't understand why you decided to take them there when you know how they are and you knew ahead of time how you feel about them. Why did you allow this decision to be made?

witch.hazel's picture

If your extended family are the type to judge a ten year old by how she looks, or to judge you for how she looks, they are the ones with the problem.

It's not to say, "You married a man with kids, so", but it seems as though you would have seen their appearances and chose to be with him anyway, therefore choosing them. You just burden yourself now by worrying about what others think about the way they look.

So, as someone said above, work with the kids on their behavior and with your husband on parenting them. The table manners thing is something you might be able to change a bit before you get there. Other than that, it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Not your circus; not your monkeys.

There is no need for YOU to be embarrassed. You are not raising these children; their bioparents are. Their appearance, hygiene, beliefs, and manners (or lack thereof) are concerns for the bio mom/dad.

tankh21's picture

I am embarrassed by how my skids act as well. You have to tell them to take a bath everyday they get excrements all over the bathroom and just leave it there. One of them chews with their mouth open and wipes his hands all over his clothes. I think this is a reflection on the parents though which is my DH and BM because they didn't teach these kids how to properly behave and they get coddled by BM because their lives are so hard.

marblefawn's picture

I applaud your honesty for admitting all this! I have a best friend who is sloppy, baudy and was morbidly obese until about six months ago - there were few who weighed more than she. I can't tell you how many times I've been ashamed and embarrassed by her. In 30 years of friendship, I have never admitted that anywhere until just this second. So I get it. The difference is I choose to be her friend because it is very rewarding. Not so in your situation.
I have also been embarrassed by my SD. Her clothes are so tight, they're like sausage casings and at 30, she still seriously says little girl things like, "I could have been an actress - I look so good on camera."
I like the suggestion that you warn the family what's coming - you don't have to go into detail other than mentioning that they're "at that awkward stage" and they aren't your kids. The family can see for themselves. That sort of lets them know you're not unaware of the kids' social awkwardness and they won't be shocked when the dinosaur thing comes up! Rather than cringe and dreading it, entertain yourself with your sense of humor. When I'm in an awkward situation, I entertain and distract myself by imagining the soundtrack and what actors would play which roles. Have some fun with it. I might enjoy seeing this clash of cultures - sounds like they all need a good dose of each other!
You are absolutely right that this should be a forum where you may tell the truth without harsh judgment coming your way. Sometimes, though, it is as brutal as my stepkid. I've noticed some names have disappeared and it seems gentler than it had been.
Remember...have fun! It won't last forever!

surfchica's picture

Well I support you 100%. This is a place where you should be able to vent and not hear the old chestnuts like " She is only a child" or "you are the adult". BS to that. I know exactly how you feel because I lived it as well. My SS, now 19, can be a rude you know what. He thinks he is very smart and likes to take controversial positions. More than once I had to put him in his place. He always gets a pass from my stb ex because the he has asbergers. Not good enough in my book especially when people are really deeply offended. He is a bit more presentable than the stb ex SD. At age 13 almost 14 her hygiene is horrible. She smells. Dresses horribly. Like a boy. But a dirty boy. She insisted to have her hair cut way short, in a boy's cut, which does not do her plain pan face any favors. Her table manners are deplorable. Honestly she grosses me out. She has no social skills and probably has some sort of issues herself which my spouse refused to see until recently (after I filed for divorce) despite me telling him gently over the years that "something is not right". And it has nothing to do with her gender issues ( she admitted she has them). I would not take her ANYWHERE towards the end of my relationship. She was an embarrassment to me.

The real problem is the parents. They overlook the obvious, or worse, they blame it on us!!!!! I finally said goodbye to being scapegoated and having to clean up after the SD.

notsobad's picture

Tell you're family what you just told us.
You are not permitted to have any input into these kids lives. Their father and mother are 100 percent responsible for these children, their behaviours, their hygiene, their beliefs, their eating habits, their dress, their ideology and EVERYTHING else.

The thing you have to be prepared for is that DH is going to defend his children. All parents will defend their children, no matter how horrible they are.
Your family is going to have to keep their opinions to themselves. That may be hard and a missed opportunity for DH to see his children through the eyes of other people but DH won't see the truth. He'll think that they are mean spirited and vain.

You don't want to be in a position of having to chose between your family and DH.

Ispofacto's picture

My SD is overweight and learned from BM on how to dress inappropriately. She tends to stuff herself like a sausage into undersized clothing that really accentuates her overweight body. I calmly mentioned it to DH a few times, but it finally registered with him when his workplace banned stretchpants unless covered by a tunic long enough to cover the butt, and the school implemented the same dresscode in agreement with everything I had been saying. At that point, we created a rule that SD had to dress to our standards. If she comes down dressed inappropriately, she is sent back up to change. It infuriates her, because she is special and no one is allowed to tell her what to do. Too bad. We are the adults, and she is the child. She needs to get that through her stupid head.

As adults, we also correct her on her manners. It's our job. If she doesn't like it, she can go to her room.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

I am glad you can see your stepkids for what they are. No, they do not reflect badly on you. Maybe your judgement can be questioned, because you married into this family knowing what they were. So if your family judge you or the kids or find them slovenly - dont blame the family. You knew this was coming.

So, here I sit passing judgement on you... Guess what? Mix up the ages and some of the details - and well... Uhm, you are decribing MY step family.
You see I was brought up NOT to judge people on what they looked like, to be compassionate, to see beyond things that can be taught.
Problem is it is a pipe dream. I live this nightmare where my stepfamily can be embarrassing.

Fat, slovenly, untidy, in need of a bath, add in pink hair and pregnant = my stepdaughter. Yes, I have been suckered too.

Hoped for the best by playing with the dogs. Guess who has fleas now?

secret's picture

That's why I was always a drill sergeant in terms of manners, especially table manners, with my own kids.

I cringe when I'm around someone who eats like a cow.

To each their own - but the sounds of lips smacking half chewed food around makes me want to throw up.

ss has started doing this recently.... one of my dd's did it too, it took several months to break her of it... and I've asked him a few times now, to please close his mouth when he's chewing.

The first time was: Can you please close your mouth when you're chewing?
The second time was : Please close your mouth when you're chewing.
The third time was: I've asked you before to close your mouth when you're chewing. It's disgusting, and I don't want to eat around you when you do that. Close your mouth when you chew, or you can go eat in the kitchen, away from everyone else.

The fourth time - I didn't say a word, I picked up his plate and went to put it on the small table in the kitchen. Went back to my own seat, and resumed eating. ss was like... huh??? and Dh reminded him of what I'd said. ss went to the kitchen, sat at the chair, cried a little... after a minute or so, brought his plate back and said that he'll chew with his mouth closed now...

waiting to see a 5th time.