Hmmm.

No, this is weird. I mean...it can be how it goes, but it shouldn't be.

I was going to suggest that maybe she didn't want to presume that you wanted to get something for her son, which would be good of her. But if she's using your money for her half, it kind of blows that theory out of the water.

I suggest talking to her honestly about your feelings. Holidays are really hard in blended families and can cause a lot of resentment. I know for several years early in our marriage, BM always asked DH and I to 'split' big holiday gifts for the kids with her. We felt that...we kind of already were paying for half of those gifts through Child Support...along with half or more of everything else. Since all that contribution to their wellbeing was, essentially, invisible or attributed to their mother only...the last thing we wanted to do was buy some big present that they'd open at their mom's and have her say...yeah...this is from your dad and TwoOfUs also. We wanted them to have presents here that were clearly from us.

Maybe some of this plays into how you're thinking. In my opinion, the new couple should get gifts together for the kids (if the stepparent WANTS to gift, that is)...not the old couple.

Sounds like you and your wife are pretty newly married? Ask her how she intends to cover her half of this gift...and also ask her why she wouldn't want to give a gift with you instead. Be open but honest about feeling used.

Why are you the only one putting money into a joint checking account?

If she needs to send her ex money, it should be from her own account.

I would talk to her about it but not necessarily in a "confrontational" way. There's nothing wrong with letting her know your feelings and asking for clarification on what, exactly, is going on.

I think you are justified in your feelings about this. My DH and I have a similar set-up where his wages go into the joint account and my wages go into my account.
Does your wife have her own income? If so it is perfectly reasonable to expect her to but her son's gift with her own money. DH and I buy separately for our respective families. I do not know what he spends and vice versa.
I think I would be annoyed if DH said he was colluding to get something with his ex, for sure, even if I wasn't expected to contribute.
I would tell her about your feelings, regardless of the 'confrontation'- how would she feel if you did the same to her?
In the end it wouldn't bother me too much if it was for something practical, as in work, education or driving related matters, but just for the sake of an expensive gift? That would make me cross too.

I would feel the same way and you should bring this up. I agree as other posters have said that if you were also giving a gift why wouldn't you and your wife be in it together for the SS?
Also you can say, technically since the $100 is coming from OUR joint account please ensure my name is signed on the card as well. Done, now you don't have to search for a gift for SS and your point is well taken. I am sure you wouldn't want your name on the card with the ex (or maybe you would) but this will make your wife give some thought to this, and how it makes you feel.

The adult skid is 26 yrs old! This would not be okay with me.

TALK TO HER. With DH and I it's been COMPLETELY understood that she's on her own. Nothing from us is from her and nothing from her is from us. We haven't even heard anything from her about wanting to see them Christmas tbh, but if she does, it'll have to be on her own time and her own funds, we aren't responsible for hers.

Even if a big gift was being complicated (big enough that it might need the extra help I guess) I think that's something you definitely discuss with a spouse first.. .Literally like all money decisions... Before DH and I even got married the ex tried to ask him for money because she "couldn't afford gas to get the girls to school" 1) I knew where she worked and din't buy it and 2) NOPE! She's an adult, so she can figure out her own finances. Our finances do NOT mix with hers. If she can't manage her own too bad so sad.

She shouldn't be making these financial decisions without you (or even really discussing this with the ex without you being in the loop imho) but even if she does, she shouldn't be spending your money. She wants to do it, I say she uses her own funds.

Theoretically, I don't have a problem with both parents contributing to the same gift.. like the kid needs a new computer for school.. and parents split the cost. The kid should understand fully that it is a present from both though...How a step parent factors in.. not sure.. I guess I would probably buy a separate gift instead of pitching in with the bio parents. Unless it was a really big gift and kid knows multiple people are making it happen... like a European vacation or something.

Everything about this is so wrong! I would feel the same way. Your SS's gift should be from you and your wife. Bio Dad should give his son his own gift. My husband would not go for this if I did something like this. Not sure what your wife is thinking. :?

You definitely need to talk to her since in the past you guys bought him a present from the both of you. It’s OK that your feelings are hurt. Have a respectable talk with her about it. Let us know how it goes.

I mean obviously you should voice to her how you are feeling. I wouldn't "confront her" just communicate with her. We don't fight to be right, we fight to be understood. Make sure being understood is your goal. At the same time, I wouldn't make a mountain out of a mole hill just yet. Perhaps her explanation will make logical sense. Give her that chance. And please note that logical and emotional sense are not the same thing. Introspection is everything.

N/A

No, no, no. Adult skid, parents divorce 20+ years ago, have nothing in common but said skid. Comunication is no longer an option.

Wife is wrong, she knows it, but now trying to turn it around. Both of you should give SS money and let SS buy his own PS 4 and other thing that goes with it .

More important, Your wife should have no contact with EX. If wife is still using the kid who is 26 as an excuse to talk with EX. She will never stop having a relationship with EX. Yes, she not talking, she having a relationship with EX, she may not be sleeping with him but there a connection there. And now it seams it will always be there. Talking behind your back, then telling you.

Twenty-six (26) and still giving gifts together. NOT in our house. We don't buy gifts for the grown adult kids. We send a nice basket for the entire family.

I hate this past/Ex that never ends. What is up with this?

BM is not on our Christmas list, never has been, and never will be.

Sorry, but this is strange in my book.

OP - First of all, YOUR feelings are valid. You need to sit down and talk to wife about this gift with her ex, ask what it is, and how YOU feel about the large amount of $$ and being left out. Perhaps it can be from both you, your wife and your ex. Yeah, I know that sounds weird, but it keeps you in the picture and not left out. It presents a united front between your wife and you.

Now, is that $100 for this gift or is she just sending him a check? Also, just where is this gift going...to your place or the ex's place; I think it is important to know that as well as what it is.

Her requesets about needing the money to send the ex a check make a good excuse for you to sit down and talk about it. Don't be accusatory, or like she is sitting for an FBI investigation, just ask what the gift is, how much it costs, and that you would like to be included as one of the gift givers because you think it is great (okay, a little white lie there). Then perhaps you might suggest that you and she also get some smaller stocking stuffer type gifts for the young man.

Have to say this is a tough one, so be sure to think it through.

I completely get this, Mathfed. My husband did the same thing to me with my SD. I raised that kid for 10 years and just recently she went to BM full-time. So after 10 yrs of me and husband deciding what to get SD for birthday/Christmas, he is suddenly working with BM on what THEY should get her. It's a complete betrayal of everything you thought a marriage was supposed to be.

Your are missing the main point.. why is wife talking to her EX.???? The kid is 26. When will the wife and her EX just stop talking to each outher !! They just come up with excuses to talk

Would you have been willing to foot the bill for the whole gift? Probably not if you resent footing $100 of it. So why not join funds with ex so son can get what he really wants instead of cheaper gifts from each of you that he doesn't want? There's no need for you to get him another gift if your wife makes sure your name is on the "from" tag (although I assure you, steps only think of their parents no matter how big a gesture a stepparent makes so putting your name on the tag won't change his thinking). And as for feeling used because the money is coming from your stash...dude, she didn't buy a gift for her ex with your money. It's her son and you said you would get him a gift anyway. What's the diff? I'm sorry to say I think you're getting the first taste of sitting in the backseat where stepparents often end up. Don't lose your strength fighting these little things. Down the pike when you look back you'll long for the days when the battles were this small.

You said the son's gift was handled differently in other years. Maybe it was handled this way this year because it is a more expensive gift. Either way, a lot of people complain on this site about having to pay for everything for kids who aren't theirs. I think cooperating on a pricier gift makes sense so one household isn't footing the whole bill - which is good for your wallet. And his parents aren't competing to outdo each other, which is also good for your wallet.

I do think you are being petty. You're saying you don't want to contribute if you aren't consulted - that just sounds petty. But more than that, it sounds like son asked for one specific gift and they arranged to get it. How many people does it take to make that decision?

You told your wife how you feel and that's good. She probably had no idea you felt that way and maybe she had no idea how much you care about what gift her son gets from all of you (I'm a little surprised you care so much - usually women get stuck doing all the shopping and wrapping). If you're new and figuring out where you fit into this arrangement, so is she and so is her ex. It will take time to get to a comfortable place - don't make it uncomfortable before you have a chance to get there. Pace yourself. There's more to come.

If our BM wasn't a crazy bitch, and Killjoy weren't an entitled butthole, I would have no problem with DH going halvsies with BM on a major gift for Killjoy. I also would consider going halvsies with my ex in getting an expensive gift for one of our grown kids.

My issue with your post, OP, is that your SO isn't working, and "can't find a job". That is a red flag.

I missed the part about the 26 year old not having a job. If that is the case he doesn't need an expensive gaming system....he needs to get his d*m butt off his couch and get a job.

Giving him an expensive gaming system is rewarding him for being a deadbeat.

If I go to my SD's wedding and unknowingly to either my husband or I, I am seated away from my husband of 14 years, while my husband, again unknowingly, is told by the minister to walk his ex- down the aisle just seconds before the ceremony, which he does (more out of shock than anything else), and then he is plopped up front next to his ex-, and then later when wedding pictures are taken, none are taken (or permitted) of me and my husband and SKs of 14 years. . . If I'm upset with that--both me and my husband, by the way--in that case am I being insecure and denying my husband's autonomy? OR, like MY professional counselor stated, is that one of the most disgusting things ever heard of? Because, it is not lost on me at all that some counselors would have just loved to have labeled my insecurities as the issue and wrap everything up in a little bow for themselves. Fortunately, not all are that way. Some are open-minded and recognize a marriage as a marriage.

Heck, I’m still trying to recuperate from the world’s biggest pie being thrown in my face at my SD’s wedding about 3 ½ years ago. I’ve come a long way in the sense that I understand now, and what I understand is that SPs are expected to suck it up and take every time and pay the price for someone else’s divorce. Bio-parents and their kids can pretty much do whatever they want. You, as a SP on the other hand, are supposed to act more like the family pet and be there or be involved only when they want you to be.

And, there is rampant, and I mean rampant ignorance about what a SP’s main role is. Here is something that was posted on this site in 2009, from an adult SK:
“Is it ok to exclude stepparents from "our" events, like our birthday parties, graduations, weddings, etc.? Is it a good idea? On one hand, yes, it is our event, so we do get the final say in who is invited. However, if I were to invite my dad, mom, friends, stepsiblings, or anyone else I know to an event, and didn't extend the invite to their SOs/spouses, there's a chance the people I truly want there won't go. My stepmother is not someone I'm close to, or ever will be. However, I don't want to run the risk of hurting my dad's feelings by not inviting her. I also wouldn't want anyone inviting me to an event, but excluding DH. I guess I feel that if you want to not invite your SPs, that is fine, but be prepared for a) Dad to not attend and quite possibly b) for YOUR partner to be excluded from events.”

I see no recognition whatsoever from this adult that stepmom is her dad’s wife, and not in name only. It appears to be okay to run the risk of her own father not attending and her own partner to possibly be excluded from events in the future. Apparently, any of that is okay, just so long as it doesn’t affect her and HER perfectly-planned event (regardless of whom may be actually paying for it, I imagine). She's in for a big surprise.

It’s freeing when SM learns to put her foot down, control what she can control, and even disengage. You don’t have to pay the price for someone else’s divorce, if you don’t want to. That is what I’ve been learning the past 3 ½ years. If society excepts me to act more like the family pet vs. dad’s wife, fine. But, I don’t have to drink that Koolaid, that’s for sure. I now only go to events with my DH if I feel like it. If I don’t feel like it, he can go alone. And, one thing I know for sure, is if by accident or design, If I ever find myself being treated like I was treated at my SD’s wedding 3 ½ years ago, I will unleash such a spitting hell on anyone within 20 feet of me that it will be the talk of the town for the next 20 years. And, I don’t care. Because I know I am my husband’s wife. If other adults have a problem with that, they get to pay the ignorance fee. Not me. And, yes, anytime the ex- is being treated as SO #1 over the spouse, a SP is going to feel like sloppy seconds and “what the hell did I get myself into!” And, this has nothing to do with insecurities. What it has to do with is you are excepting to be treated like the spouse you are. You are expecting to be treated like you are married because YOU ARE MARRIED. No one marries and expects to be treated like the family punching bag. Not once, not twice, and certainly not 1000+ times.

Really! Do these divorced people and counselors think they are so great and so wonderful that everything, everything is supposed to revolve around their wants and needs and their children’s wants and needs, no matter how negatively it may affect others. Hell!, they divorced! They should suffer for it. And, I got news for you. Part of the reason why the divorce rate is so high is because it’s been made so easy. And, here, people are trying to make it even easier for them by implying that the sun, earth and moon, and the new spouse, should all revolve around the initial family's own personal wants and needs. Some innocent party who comes along after the fact and falls in love and marries one of these divorced parents, shouldn’t have their pain minimized, or be accused of being an insecure problem-maker outsider, when in actuality, who wouldn’t be upset if they were treated more like a family pet than their spouse’s spouse? As SPs, we deserve to have a real marriage!!! A real marriage!! If anyone doesn't get this and wants to keep up their asinine ignorance about all of the shame and guilt and suffering that is heaped on SPs every @#$@# day over a divorce they had no control over, then shame on you is all I can say. And, in turn, I’ll pray every day that in your next life you are reincarnated as a SP so you can experience firsthand the same pain and feelings of betrayal that many of us have had to suffer through for years and years and years!!

And, please, no one respond below and say, “Oh, I had an evil SP.” Yes, we all know there are evil SPs, just like there are evil parents, evil uncles, evil grandparents and so on. Just because someone had an evil parent, it doesn’t make them all that way. And, just because someone had an evil SP, it doesn’t make them all that way. Most SPs are kind, loving people, who try their best to deal with and keep a crumbled family going. Most are tired of getting their asses beat too, over something that they had no control or say over.

One of my best friends used to call me and laugh about the "fat brides" in the society section every weekend. Whether from a divorced home or an intact home why do some of these brides post pictures that are so unflattering?

OMG! Sorry for the book. OK, I’ve had a couple of people message me and ask me for more details about what went down at my SD’s wedding, so here goes. I tend to get long-winded, so I’ve just included the major snubs and not the more minor ones. Generally, when I post I focus on feelings rather than details, because you always, always get someone picking at the details and trying to flippantly explain them away. Such as a SM might say, “My SS pulled a loaded gun on me and pointed it right at me!,” and some non-step will blog back and say. “Have you thought that maybe your SS didn’t know the gun was loaded and that maybe he just accidentally pointed it at you? Really, you are making way too much of this. . . blah, blah, blah.” Yep, even on a site clearly meant for step-parents to vent we are not safe and will be thought of as hysterical, over-reactive women. After all, everyone BUT a SM knows how SMs should act, right?

My husband and I had been married for 14 years at the time of my step-daughter's wedding, and I was anxiously anticipating sharing her special day with my DH and many others. We both attended the rehearsal dinner the night before and even sat with the minister and his wife, and nothing about the below was brought up, even remotely. I just assumed I was going to be with my husband/my spouse (as you would expect any wife to expect at an event—to be with her husband). I didn’t know at the time that as far as most were concerned, even though I had been married to my husband for 14 years, his ex- still got first dibs on him.

The day came, and I was treated like the infamous Invisible Woman and then some. After my husband and I arrived and my husband took off (which I expected—as FOB he certainly had things to do), I was given no further direction by anyone. I sat and sat and waited and waited. I was hoping to at least get in a couple of pictures. Next thing I know, guests were starting to arrive, and the bridal party was still MIA. Cell phones were turned off. Eventually, I was left to wander around and find my own seat just prior to the ceremony. I had no idea of how or where I was supposed to sit with my DH MIA. After I sat down, a few minutes into the ceremony, I saw my husband walking down the aisle hand-in-hand with his ex-! (This was something my counselor said she had never heard of so many years after a divorce.) THAT was when I found out what the seating arrangement was—same for my DH. I found out later, he had no clue this was coming. Not one iota. Apparently, the minister came up to my husband just as he finished handing out programs and said to him, as the entrance music was starting to play, "Go take your ex's hand and walk her down the aisle." I was so-o pissed at my DH that day for not looking out for me. He, I and others certainly could have done more, looking at it in hindsight. But, to literally Shanghai dad into playing some sort of scripted role that he didn’t even see coming and didn’t even want to play, come on!? Any adult should have known better.

And, there was a huge, huge issue with picture-taking. I mean, all I wanted was one picture with my husband and I and the bride and groom, but step-son was the wedding photographer, and despite him "pretending" to take a couple of pictures, he basically refused to give us any. My husband even called him up and asked him personally, and he still would not. Yep, Uncle Harry's mail-order bride of two weeks, I'm sure, would have been included in any family pictures along with him. Even in that case, it would have been considered rude not to have included Uncle Harry's spouse. BUT, dad's wife of 14 years--nope!

There’s more, but trying to make a long story, short. To top it off, BM had the audacity to bring her latest BF along, the same one she was having an affair with years ago while she was still married to DH! BTW, DH and I were married longer than he and his ex- were, and both of us contributed funds to the wedding. But, I don’t necessarily count that, because a married couple should be treated like a married couple, regardless. So, whether we were married for two weeks or 10 years or whether either of us contributed funds to the wedding, really should be irrelevant.

For you non-steps, yep, that’s right. I got all upset and hysterical over just an hour-long ceremony and a couple of pictures. I’m Evil SM. I know how that goes. I saw one wedding etiquette site state, “Don’t be surprised if you’re forgotten.” Really? Trust me, if anyone forgets dad is married to someone else now, it was because they accidentally on purpose forgot. And, I’m not talking about SM being up there lighting the unity candle along with BM or anything else along those lines. I’m just talking about dad and his wife getting to sit together at both the wedding and reception, just like any other couple would get to do.

To invite a couple to an event, and then hook up one of the invitees/dad with a different person and expect him to leave his real date or wife behind. How incredibly rude is that!? Yet, this is more or less what some stepmother wedding etiquette sites recommend. Funny that they only seem to recommend it with SMs, tho. Case in point: Two weeks after my SD’s wedding, I attended my niece's wedding. My brother (her uncle) attended with his date (who was not well known to any one at the time), and his date was told to sit in the family section along with my brother. No questions asked. They were immediately accepted and treated like a couple. So, how in God's name a boyfriend/girlfriend of some twice removed relative can be automatically seated in the family section as a date, but for dad's wife of XX many years or SO it is considered some sort of controversy is beyond me. Total, total discrimination.

In reality, 86’ing SM or acting like it is okay for her to be forgotten should have never been permitted by anyone with any sense of etiquette. Even in the year 1917 much less 2017. I’m actually kind of fascinated with how some SMs are treated at weddings, because I find it so archaic, literally like something out of the dark ages or the Handmaid’s Tale, and incredibly, incredibly rude. Not all SMs are treated like the invisible ho at weddings, of course. Some are respected and treated as dad’s wife/date, as they should be. But, the fact that anyone would think SM’s placement turns on BM’s or anyone else’s whim vs. SM being rightfully and correctly placed next to her spouse is beyond me.