It's becoming very apparent that DH is disappointed in his kids
SD15 is stealing again. She got caught with a bunch of things that don't belong to her at BM's house. She has also "borrowed" things from my BD14 without asking. She lies about all of it and never fesses up to anything. Yesterday I went grocery shopping and DH was working in the front yard. I came home and DH helps me carry in groceries. We go to open the front door and the deadbolt is locked. SD15 is the only person inside, yet she says she didn't lock it. There's no telling what she was doing... snooping, stealing, who knows.
Then there's SD13 who only likes to talk about controversial topics. DH is very passionate about his political and religious beliefs (DH and I have very different views on both topics yet we manage without any issues). SD13 always brings it up and tries to debate the subjects. This weekend she was talking about converting to a very controversial religion... the very one that dh finds to be the most offensive. He was so upset he told me he doesn't even want to be around SD13.
I had a long talk with DH about it being his job to teach the girls respect. I've been disengaged for awhile, so he definitely can't be disengaged too... at least not while they are at our house. Someone has to be in charge. But I do believe that he is correct that there's not much he can do to change their behavior since they only visit EOWE. 4 days a month isn't exactly enough to make an impact. So where do we go from here?
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I understand how you're
I understand how you're feeling. My DH is in the same boat as your DH. Our issues aren't as big, but the net effect is the same, and there is validity to the "what can he do in EOWE" question. DH has really struggled with this.
But here's the thing. He's still these kids' parent. He's the only one that has any hope of improving these kids behavior at all, and the only way I know to do that is to hold them accountable for their behavior--whatever it is that he feels like he can address. It won't fix them.
That's not a reasonable expectation, but maybe you can get to a point where things are less bad.
I'll warn you, though, it will get worse before it gets better, and he's going to feel like crap about it, but even though you're disengaged, you will have to support him in what he does. You can stay disengaged, but you have to be his backbone!
Ugh I feel bad for your DH.
Ugh I feel bad for your DH. He is my DH. He has tried for 20 years now to talk some sense into SD20 and SS19. Even after it became obvious that they only cared about him when they wanted something and their mothers who provide little to nothing for them, are to be worshipped and revered.
Even after both skids have embarrassed him multiple times by being arrested, failing school, lying, stealing, cheating, doing drugs etc, he still tried. Hoped beyond hope that he could be that voice of reason that they actually listened to and would choose to do the right things.
But stilllll waiting and DH is pretty much done. The hopeful for change ship has sailed. I think he realizes that no matter what he does or says, the negative influence of BM1 and BM2 for the past 20 years is much stronger and easier. Much easier to lie your way out of things than to tell the truth and maybe not look so great. Much easier to steal things, than to work for what you want. Much easier to manipulate others than to go about things the right way. And you are right, you can't change a whole heck of a lot in 4 days a month. when skids run back to BMs who allow and condone all of the things that dad has told them are wrong or tried to instill values that BMs don't have what the heck is the point?