Please go see a therapist. Either you will need help navigating his toxicity or you will need serious grief counseling.

A friend of mine, who is one of the most caring and generous people I know (for adopted, foster adopted her kids, is a social worker, etc), didn't see her dad before he died because of a lot of the same issues you already described. She has a small amount of guilt for it, but mostly because of the pressure from other people. She is contented in her decision.

Toxic people are toxic people. All because you share DNA doesn't mean you owe them anything. Don't go, but do find a counselor to help you with this process.

ETA: If you feel like you have to do SOMETHING, write a letter to him. Get your feelings out, then decide if you want to send it. You don't have to include a return address, so he doesn't have to know where you are on the off chance he lives.

I agree that you do not have to go see him, if that is not in your heart, and you should feel no guilt for that decision.

I also agree with getting some counseling, just to give you some peace of mind.

My DH's dad was very verbally/emotionally abusive to him while he was growing up and not really much of a father to him in any way. My DH did come to terms with it (eventually) and forgave his dad, but he did not go visit him after his health started to decline and he was put in a nursing home. We did go to the funeral.

I have asked DH if he has any regrets about not going to see his dad before he died. He absolutely does not.

There are other ways to be supportive of the family members that you do care about, that this is affecting.

Is there any reason that you have to see him this weekend? You have been through a rough week yourself and it may not be the best time for you.

You say he may pull through, even though he has a serious diagnosis. Is there a possibility that you may postpone seeing him for a week or two? Maybe wait for your own feelings to settle first? Even if it is next week or the week there after?

##

You aren’t obligated to see him. He sounds like s bad news regardless if he is your father. You don’t have to visit

You wrote nothing positive about going to see him apart from your feelings of obligation as a daughter. He had an obligation to be a good father to you and a good man to those in his life. He failed, spectacularly. You owe him nothing.

If you want to support your siblings, that is different. Support them, be there for them and visit them. But you do not have to see your dad at the same time.

Your dad is a shell of the man he was before, cancer is literally eating him alive. He can't hurt anyone anymore. I say go and make your peace with him because he is going to die, we're all going to die someday. If he does get better then great. Maybe this experience will change his outlook on life. Either way, you've clearly set a boundary with him by physically staying away for 9 years. You are allowed to "crack the window" if you'd like but by no means do things ever have to go back to the way they were. You're a grown woman who gets to choose which people and energies you want in your life, far removed from the child who was once at everyone's mercy.

My BFF for the past 40 years is one of the most caring, gracious and loving persons I have ever known.

Her parents divorced when she was about 2. She saw her bio father sporadically over the years. When her father became very ill when she was in her late 40s he wanted to come stay with her.

She had no qualms about just turning him away. When he died it really meant nothing to her. She had no guilt what so ever. DNA is meaningless.

My question is, did your father ask for you? Did he tell you he wanted you to come?

I ask because if he did not and he is on drugs for pain ect, his reaction to you just walking in after all this time may not be pleasant. Meds talking and all that on top of fear of dying and perhaps even some anger of his own. Just be prepared for such a reception.

This isn't just about you. It's about him too. While you think it's the right thing (and it very well may, for you) you must also consider if it's what he wants or not.

Last word of caution, he may look absolutely frightening. Fragile, thin and whatnot. If you haven't seen him in nine years the change may shake you.

About the counseling. Don't necessarily take that as an insult. Counseling doesn't always mean 'you're that bad'. Lol. It a way of talking to a neutral party who is trained to listen, help you sort your feeling or even to assure you what you believe and/or feel about something is perfectly normal and healthy.

Guilt is a useless emotion. It does nothing but make you feel bad.

I don't know if you meditate but take a few moments, sit quietly and let your mind and heart settle.
You know what to do, you know how to take care of yourself. Give yourself permission to do what you know is best for you.

If it's to go, then go but don't expect him to be a different person.
If it's to stay away, then send up a prayer for him and move on with your life.

Either way say your good byes. Don't give this man anymore or your time, thoughts or self.

I used to listen to Dr. Laura a lot. I thought about half of her advice made sense, and about half was crap. One of the things she said over and over that I totally agree with is that sometimes parents do things that "tear up their parent card". It sounds like your dad tore up his parent card a long time ago. I would not feel a bit of guilt avoiding him for the rest of his life. He's the one who broke the bond, so any guilt should be on his side. Best of luck to you.

Ash - sending you some strength...

Now, your father is ill, yes you may not like him but he's still your father, go and make peace, say your final goodbey and put it all behind you,
you do this for you, to get closure, not for any one else

Honestly if he never asked for you, he might not even want to see you. Did you hear that he was asking for you? Can you ask your brother if dad has been asking?

Ash, if you DO go, do it because it is CLOSURE FOR YOU.

Just because you have this man's DNA does not mean you owe him anything. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}