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I need serious advice

Rockstar123's picture

Firstly I'd like to say I'm new here and I'm so sorry if this is in the wrong section.
I have a bio dd (9 months) and pg again.
Oh has 3 kids (I'm not interested in a relationship with them) they misbehave and there is absolutely no discipline at home.
They were meant to be moving abroad with bio mom in a few months so bio mom can marry new partner. I was absolutely thrilled. He's called today with a crisis of conscious as to whether or not he should let them go. Apparently he's spoken to her new partners ex wife who has told my oh what an ass hole bio moms new partner is. He's now talking about trying to get sole custody. I'm pregnant with this mans baby and wanted my happily ever after. I'm heartbroken.
Obviously if he gets sole custody I'll be gone. I can't deal with the 3 skids full time.
The skids were really looking forward to the move. How can I convince him to keep yo the original plan? What on earth can I do?

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

You can't without it seeming like you're the bad person really.

These are his children whom he is worried about. Them moving abroad in the first place means pretty much losing his ability to have any impact in their lives. Then on top of this he finds out that their future stepdad may be someone he doesn't want the kids around full time.

It's a sad fact but still a fact that when you date a man with kids they may one day be there full time for any number of reasons.

You can express your worries and set your boundaries but he may also say he doesn't care and you can leave.

You state there's no discipline at home as part of the reason for your issues. This is something that could be changed and fixed. Honestly with BM moved there's a lot that could change since she would have less impact on their lives.

What worries me more is that your "not interested in a relationship with them". It feels like you went into this knowing there were kids but hoping they would in a way disappear. It feels like your setting up "its me or them." I would have a real problem if he did pick you over his children because what's to stop him from doing it in the future with your joint children. Really this guys a father and your wanting him to just forget about his children.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

There is always a risk when you marry someone with children. The children could end up in your care on a full time basis - for any reason.

The situation where your partner or spouse is a part time parent, could change at any time. You now have the very real possibility where you could end up with your husband's three children, along side your babies.

It would have been ideal for you if the children were moved elsewhere as you weren't interested in a relationship with them. You may not care for the children, your husband most likely does.

However there are things you need to think of as a parent in this situation. If your children were to end up in the care of an "ass hole" (as he is described by his ex wife) and you were nowhere near to help your children, would you allow your ex spouse to take your children under those circumstances? No you wouldn't. You would also fight for sole custody of your children. In this case, it is your husband and he is doing what he thinks best.

The problem here is that neither you or husband have any concrete facts that BMs new spouse is in fact a bad parent or bad influence - not to be trusted around children? You only have the word of his ex wife and is that credible? My husband says his ex wife is a terrible parent: it is a verifiable fact, so it is true. My ex SIL says my brother is a terrible Dad. He isn't - he is primary custodian of his son. She is chaos in action of the MOM-sterous kind. Also, verifiable factually. You need to sort out what is fact and what is one ex spouse bad mouthing the other.

Even if the new husband is totally okay, your husband may change his mind about his children moving elsewhere - they could still end up with you.

You and husband need to get to what is true and what is not and proceed from there.

Also a word of caution: if you expect a man to dump his children with his first wife for you, then he could dump you and your children for his next wife. Be careful on this point.

Rockstar123's picture

Thanks so much for the advice. Believe me I've tried to make it work with his kids. It just didn't happen. We agreed to keep it separate, him seeing his kids 3 times a week. I've never stopped him. I just don't know what this would mean for our family . I'm so annoyed that this is happening now. I had a high risk pregnancy with dd and don't want any added stress this time . Fat chance of that!
I have absolutely no idea if there is anything credible as to what the ex wife has said. Bio mom would say my oh was an awful partner, he honestly wasn't so I'm very sceptical about this.
I'm not sure whether I should just walk away with my kids if it comes to it. I honestly couldn't cope with the skids full time. When I say their behaviour is bad I mean they scream the house down, jump on furniture, colour on the walls, swear at anyone who tries to stop them. They even push each other down the stairs. They are vile to my 9 month old too. I couldn't put her in that position full time xxx

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Children do what they are allowed and on top of this it sounds like DH had less parenting time which would equal less impact in behavior.

That being said we get constant reports of how horrible the little one can be when he is with BM or someone different than us. He came here trying to do that stuff and it got shut down. SO doesn't allow unacceptable behavior and the kid learned it.

My point is that your unhappy with how they acted but what effort was put in to change their behavior. What will happen with BM out of the picture? A lot of part time parents don't impact children's behavior long term because they just put up with it in the short time they have them rather than stepping and saying it's not allowed.

With BM out and the kids in dad's care long term he might have more ability to actually make them mind if he's in any way a decent parent. Kind of sounds like DH wasn't the kind to step up and make the kids mind though.

Rockstar123's picture

You're absolutely right. Dh never tells them to stop until I have been sworn at or me And dd have been hit. He doesn't like to correct them and he says it's because his time with them is short.
Out of interest, how long does it take for kids to learn what's ok and what isn't (ages 11, 8 and 5) I don't want to loose my relationship but I don't know where to start with this xx

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

The answer is different for every child and every home. It depends on how the situation is handled by every adult involved but children are very much capable of handling different rules.

Think about it. Children in 'normal' homes still behave different depending on where they are and who's in charge. They can be a monster for mom, an angel for dad, babysitters big helper, the classroom terror, and grandmas favorite. All the same child just different adults who make their different expectations known.

That being said to share an exact experience. SO's son has eating issues. BM constantly post about how the child wont eat what she makes. Now we experience resistance but the child does behave in this aspect for us because he knows our rules. He knows at mom's if he refuses, throws a little fit, tosses the food, whatever she will give him something else. In our home that doesn't fly and I'm the one who had to lay down the law with his dad backing me up. It was a build up of the child butting heads with us.... He knew his behavior worked on mom so why didn't it work on us? He escalated it.

The break through night was when we had the kids for 6 weeks in the summer. The child had thrown away his dinner which was something we KNEW he liked... Think pizza or chicken nuggets. But nope he wanted cookies and he wasn't going to eat till he got them. Well fine you throw it away your still not getting cookies. Later he came to me hungry

Child-"I want cookies."
Me-"No cookies you didn't eat dinner."
Child-"I'm hungry"
Me-"I bet you are but you throw away your dinner. You aren't getting cookies you can have fruit."
Child-"I don't want fruit."
Me-"You must not be hungry. Go play."

If you think that is the end of it your wrong. An hour later he's back screaming he wants cereal,"nope you get fruit". I was up till 10 with this kid screaming. The end of it had him sitting at the table with the fruit he finally agreed to and him yelling he didn't want to eat it and me as CALMLY as I could telling him to go back to bed then.

This wasn't the complete end but this was the worst night. He tried it very quickly on my partner who was on the same page as me. Every now and then it comes back a bit BUT never as bad and we meet it the same way each time. Now its more of a sniffle that he's not getting his way.

If you want to change their behavior you have to work with your partner and be on the same page. Decide what isn't acceptable and what will be done about it. For example start with Violence is NOT acceptable. No questions asked. You can even have a sit down in advance "hey kids hitting, kicking, ect... is not allowed. I know we've said that before but your dad and I talked. If you do this X will happen." Then follow through X could be that the game systems are taken away. They will get worse but you meet them head on and stay firm. You stay calm as they amp up. You meet them with simple statements, "You hit x. You knew this wasn't allowed and you would be losing the game system. It will be returned if you do X." If they get worse you remove more stuff but dad has to back it also. He can't be rushing in to make it better nor can he be letting things go. If you both don't do it nothing will change.

Rockstar123's picture

3 years ago my happily ever after did include them. Unfortunately their behaviour became too much to tolerate so I took a step back. They have been horrible to my daughter to the point we are frightened to leave the room to even go to the toilet incase they hurt her. So yes. I was relieved when they were going. I was excited for me and oh to have a calm home . I completely understand how my post might sound completely selfish but honestly, if you had lived with my skids you would understand me not wanting to be involved and the prospect of having them full time terrifies me after seeing how they are. X

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Focus on the notable BM and BD here.

As a stepparent you can only do as much as your partner allows BUT at the same time if you don't push the issue you are to blame also.

So first its BD's fault.... But then it's your fault for accepting it.

I don't let BD slack as a parent and he knows if he ever does I will stop. I'm not above going and spending a few weekends with my parents or a friend to make my point known.

Chasing10's picture

I really feel for you! I have a 12 month old LO and a 7yr old Bio son with one SS4. He is with us every weekend! And he is a nightmare, and he’s only 4! Every w/e is so stressful! SO gets so frustrated with him when he’s here and is just stressed and in a bad mood. He’s constantly trying to stir up DS by getting in his face. And having him around my LO is impossible! He is so loud! He can’t talk at a regular volume and is constantly waking LO up and stealing his toys, and we can’t leave him alone with LO either as I don’t trust him not to hurt him.
It terrifies me to think that one day he could possibly be in our care more than he already is!
I would seriously talk to SO about this, after all it’s your life too, and your feelings and children together need to be considered. I know it sucks when people give you crap for not wanting his kids in your life everyday but we can’t help who we fall in love with, you fellnfor him, not his kids and unfortunately love for a kid that isn’t yours isn’t always an easy thing.You don’t sound selfish to me at all for not wanting kids that aren’t yours forced upon you.

gaviotas's picture

how old are the Stepkids? Are old enought to decide on their own?
I do agree with Myss, absolutely right. Your DH needs to check if what is said about the new partner is true...
Hope you have the happy ending you desire, it´s almost the same I dream of.. but in my case that is not happening.

gaviotas's picture

how old are the Stepkids? Are old enought to decide on their own?
I do agree with Myss, absolutely right. Your DH needs to check if what is said about the new partner is true...
Hope you have the happy ending you desire, it´s almost the same I dream of.. but in my case that is not happening.