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Punishment

stepparent111's picture

My Pre-teen SS is perpetually grounded. He messes up daily, gets bad grades at school, is too lazy to do anything w/o being asked like clean his room. Then he has the audacity to complain and whine about how we don't do enough for him that his life is boring and he doesn't have enough. Getting him to study is like pulling teeth. We confine him to his room to study and he fights it. He won't stay in the room coming out every 5 minutes to get drink or something else. He often throws complete temper tantrums like a small child would when he is sent to his room screaming and crying at the top of his lungs which is kind of embarrassing because we live in a apartment and he acts like we are killing him. When he communicates with DH it is always in a manner to upset his father he asks questions that are rude and offensive for example last night he was asking why you cannot kill bald eagles and was insinuating he would kill a bald eagle. I snapped a little and said only a terrorist would talk like you do. He says these things just to get a rise out of us. He is in his room and grounded all the time but it's not doing anything. Any ideas what I can do to get him to start listening?

Comments

momjeans's picture

How old is he? What does he feel you guys aren’t doing enough of for him?

While I think this fear and loathing attitude is kind of normal for preteens and teens, it’s not entirely the norm either. Does he have no desire to engage with other kids his age? And no, I don’t mean tucking themselves away in a room playing video games all day - I’m talking sports and/or other healthy kinds of interests.

It’s also possible this can all be hormonal stuff he’ll pull out of. He can also have emotional issues that may need to be addressed with the help of a professional.

I don’t think being perpetually grounded and cut off from the rest of the household is the answer, though.

RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

I would suggest having his father spend the weekend with him at the park kicking a soccer ball around and giving him positive attention. He has no incentive to listen to you or your Dh right now; what are you going to do, ground him, force him to spend all day in his room, and call him a terrorist? He has little to lose at this point.

lieutenant_dad's picture

There has to be a balance between punishment and reward. A preteen who is constantly grounded has nothing else to lose or look forward to, so punishment is no longer an incentive to do better.

What do you do when he does something correctly? Like, if you tell him to male his bed and he does, do you tell him thank you or give him back a privilege, or do you just ignore that it has been done? You have to balance awarding privileges with serving consequences, and those can be done simultaneously. You don't have to ground him and take away everything for every infraction; he can be grounded from the computer but still watch television, or still have access to video games while having to go to bed early. Basically, the punishment and awards have to fit the crime. There can't just be a blanket "grounded for a week from everything" for not doing homework, or not cleaning his room, or whatever. He has probably learned that if he's not behaving 100% correctly that he'll lose everything, so he stops trying because when he tries, he still fails because he can't achieve 100%.

Every kid has a currency that drives them to do well. Mine was that I wanted my parents to have pride in me, so then being disappointed caused me to correct my behavior. My brother was reward-driven; he'd do what he was supposed to if there was something he wanted at the end. My parents could yell at him, ground him, take his stuff away, etc. He'd still not do his homework. But, when he was in high school, he went from Cs and Ds to straight As because he wanted to go to college and knew he needed better grades. He was extremely difficult for my parents to punish, so they had to switch from punishing bad behavior to awarding good behavior to get him to behave as they needed him to. My sister was your more traditional teen where grounding or taking away her phone ruined her life. Anything that limited her social interaction was enough to make her change her behavior. Finding your SS's currency is key.

As for the attitude and trying to get arise out of you, don't let him. If he insinuates he's going to kill bald eagles, change the subject or ignore his comments. He is TRYING to bait you, and calling him a terrorist shows him that his tactics are working. Give him a weird look, tell him that's such a weird comment to make, then move on to a new topic. If he tries to interject, ignore him or say, "oh, your question will have to wait, it's my turn to talk". Don't show him that his comments bother you even if they do. I doubt he is a little sociopath; he just wants a rise.

He also probably wants attention. How much positive, fun time does his Dad spend with him? Again, balancing punishment and reward. His Dad can't always be mad at him and only show him negative attention. Dad needs to take him out to throw a ball, play a board game, see a movie, etc. SS needs positive memories with Dad, and even if he is grounded, Dad can still do a fun thing with him then return him to his punishment. That has more to do with bonding than rewarding, and it doesn't sound like much is going on.

Finally, some kids are a struggle when it comes to homework. Do you require that he come directly home and go directly to his room to start? If so, stop that. Give him 30 minutes to decompress with a snack, television/book/game, and then give him an option where he wants to study like his room or the kitchen table. Everyone needs to unwind, kids included. If he goes from feeling like he is imprisoned in school then he's imprisoned at home, he is going to act out. Anyone would act out - including adults, which is why you see blog posts from many people feeling trapped when the work day ends and then they get thrown into having to do many of the parenting/household duties after. Your SS probably feels the same.

I'm not saying you all should accept bad behavior. What I am saying is you can't ground yourself out of his bad behavior or expect perfection. He WILL act out because he's human. It's a matter of balancing between punishing and rewarding. Back off on the grounding, up the rewarding, add in some ignoring his attention-seeking behavior, and push your DH to spend some quality time with his son and see if his behavior improves.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

This is very good.

I'll add

It sounds like as a family you're in a rut. He may be doing good things you don't even see anymore because you've got it so ingrained that he's a "bad kid." He doesn't expect better of himself either because why should he. Endless grounding has lost its meaning. His life is pretty much hopeless so might as well get he can from annoying you.

Family therapy could really help you all. This isn't just on him. He's the child. You can't blame all the issues on him because you guys are failing him as parents also. You all need to learn better coping skills and ways to interact.

still learning's picture

With my oldest and hellian daughter I learned that grounding her was only punishing myself. I'd have DH bring ss to the library for some study time. Hang out for an hour then go do something physical to help get his angst out. If he's not in some kind of sport or activity then get him in one now. Mixed martial arts is my angsty ds15's saving grace, and mine. They teach him discipline, focus and respect which helps in school and all aspects of his life.

My main *punishment* is to snatch up all the gaming controllers and hide them until they finish all their homework and chores, then as a reward they get I get them out for them.

Kids ask dumb questions and try to argue w/their parents all the time. Just chill and let DH deal w/ss when he's in a mood.

Thumper's picture

Time to switch things around.

DO not take away things or ground him for punishment RATHER:

He must earn his favorite stuff based on following house rules. THE BIG TIME favorite thing is earned by nudging those grades UP and keeping them steady.
That's how we do it.

**this does not mean cell phones. WE do not allow cells in our house for kids until they have a job and pay for it**
NO need for them.