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I get the feeling my DH is trying to pull me back in

Focused_onourlife's picture
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It's been almost 2 years since I've disengaged with my OSD. Of course, DH wasn't very happy about it but by this time he was being "punished" by my SD and her disrespect for him was blatant. He never gave up on her and after a couple of months finally understood what I had endured from SD (the hot/cold treatment stemming from manipulation to punishment). I finally got to a point where I don't even ask about her or of he's talked to her just within the last 6 months.

Apparently, they are trying to work on their relationship, which by the way, is great. Yesterday was SD's birthday so here's how the conversation went, BD14 came into our bedroom to get the laptop:

BD: may I use the laptop?
DH: yes, did you call your sister to wish her a happy birthday
BD: I texted her
ME: silence
DH: (10 minutes later) I can't believe my daughter is 24 today
ME: ummmm hummm that looks good (a commercial on the t.v. that was showing at the time of a dessert)
DH: it does look good

I could see from my perephial vision he was looking at me and was shocked and/or waiting for me to comment on my SD. She didn't even turn 24 she turned 25. I wanted to correct him so bad but did not want to engage in any way. Last week he told me my MIL is coming for Christmas and 2 days ago I overheard (and he was sure that I was in earshot) him telling our BS18 that his sister(said SD) may be coming as well, I just walked out of the room. I don't mind her coming for his sake but don't want her sulky ass coming either. I have also, told him several times I don't care of he has a relationship with her, I just don't want anything to do with her unless she change her ways and even then (didn't say this part) I will keep her at arms length.

I'm starting to feel anxiety of the thought of DH possibly trying to push her back into MY life when things have been so much more peaceful between us where she is concerned. Up until yesterday she haven't been a topic of discussion unless he was venting about her latest episode and all I did was listened for a few minutes.. I'm prepared to stand my ground , I just don't have the energy to explain to him again what he already understand and am not going to. If this is the case (I could be jumping the gun), I don't understand why he feels I should be involved in their relationship. It's like I've always broken the awkwardness or been the buffer between the both of them but he needs to figure it out and FAST. Ughhhhhh rant over.

fairyo's picture

These men often need a buffer between themselves and their kids- and the SM fulfils this role in their eyes. I did it for seven years, but I am still relatively early in my disengagement. My DH hates not having that buffer, but he is still in there with his daughter however difficult she is being (I don't know and don't want to know).
I feel that unlike your DH mine has excluded me from his life as a sort of punishment- it seems that to him now the buffer has gone what does he need me for?- and I still don't know how we will get through this.
One thing I do know is that I will only re-engage on my own terms and just now why would I? I think that is what you should do. You seem to be doing a pretty good job so there is a lot to lose if you start to send DH the wrong signals. I would just stick with what you have been doing, it is working, so resist his attempts and let him figure it out for himself.
I know the anxiety that follows these little attempts to get you back in there- he will try and wear you down but stay strong- you can't solve his problems- he only wants you to deflect the attnetion from his weak parenting skills to you. Don't bite- not your circus and all that.

Focused_onourlife's picture

"I feel that unlike your DH mine has excluded me from his life as a sort of punishment- it seems that to him now the buffer has gone what does he need me for"?

It may be that your DH knows where you stand at this point in your disengagement and is trying to give you your wish. The "punishment" part could be manipulation. While my DH didn't go through this extreme, he use manipulation. They seem to try every level of manipulation. I would ignore it and that's what I've done this time go round (this is all to to my DH as well).

Thanks for the insght , I feel your pain.

"One thing I do know is that I will only re-engage on my own terms and just now why would I? I think that is what you should do. You seem to be doing a pretty good job so there is a lot to lose if you start to send DH the wrong signals". That's exactly how I feel! That's also, why I ignored my DH when he spoke of SD's bday and changed the subject. This is the first time I tried that approach (thanks to this site) usually I would have corrected him or said something negative about me not caring about her bday and she doesn't care for me.... In the past when I engaged, anyway I engaged he would 'ASSUME' it will all blow over and try to convince me that "she's a child"....at now 25, I think not!

fairyo's picture

This site has helped me in ways I could never have envisaged and given me a perspective I would not have seen. I think without the wisdom and experience of people on here I would no longer be with DH, or I would have stayed and been incredibly miserable and depressed.
It is getting easier to turn a blind eye to DH's behaviour and I am now coming to a place where I cannot see being in OSD's company again for a very long time, if ever. I never thought that would be possible. I haven't even been invited there on Boxing Day- waaaay!!!
They think I'll be sitting here all miserable without the 'pleasure' of their company, when I will be tucking into my favourite chocolates and catching up on the Christmas TV. Bliss!

SMforever's picture

Fairyo,
I smiled at your attitude...been there. The SKids and DH think they are having a ball going away for the weekend together, and leaving me disengaged.

My response? Booked a spa appointment, bought my favourite chocolates, invited a girlfriend over for a chat, slept in and took a long bath.

Their weekend? "Wet, miserable, sitting in a stadium watching a crap game, then getting drunk and eating junk food"

Disengagement done cleverly is bliss.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I understand your anxiety in this area because I have the same anxiety. Your DH did not bring it up yet, although he could be feeling you out. I would simply tell him that you are sure he would agree that your marriage has improved since you and his DD no longer have a relationship. You continue to support him having his own relationship with his adult DD. She is not a child and you don't need to be involved in their relationship. You prefer to stay focused on your marriage. Leave it at that. Don't revisit whatever crap she has done in the past.

The holiday season is looming and that brings up lots of difficult discussions and events.

Focused_onourlife's picture

I so know he was feeling me out, this was even new behavior for me and it felt good actually.

"I would simply tell him that you are sure he would agree that your marriage has improved since you and his DD no longer have a relationship. You continue to support him having his own relationship with his adult DD. She is not a child and you don't need to be involved in their relationship. You prefer to stay focused on your marriage. Leave it at that. Don't revisit whatever crap she has done in the past". That's a good way to word it if/when I ever have too, brief and to the point. That's the point I'm at with my DH, he knows all of this and have been told in different ways at different times. I think my mistake was going on and on about HOW she forced this behavior. He didn't want to hear all of that. However, I don't feel the need to tell him that again. He should know by now I'm the 'say what you mean and mean what you say' type women. Thanks for your insight and encouragement.

Focused_onourlife's picture

"Your DH needs you to be part of the relationship because it is easier for him. He wants to present a united front and he will be right behind you the whole way" I think he feels he need me to be a part too BC it's easier for him as far as taking the load off of him. This is his time to learn (lbvs- laughing but very serious). He could have avoided all of this! We have been for the most part a united front but I have been blamed or asked to overlook too much for too long by him behind closed doors. I'm sorry you have 2 to deal with. I can only imagine. I am not ready for Holiday dysfunction and is honestly not used to it. Here's hoping none of that.

I will certainly try the list, that's a great idea! Thanks

advice.only2's picture

Let your DH have his relationship, but you need to sit down and talk with him and let him know you have boundaries that won't be crossed. I would fist start off by addressing his passive agressive behavior of not telling you things outright, instead going around you and telling everybody else.

When he told BS that SD was coming for Christmas, you should have looked him in the eye and asked him flat out, "so SD is coming for Christmas? Thank you for letting me know so now I can plan meals accordingly."

DH "SD turned 24 today." staring at you side eye.
You "why are you staring at me? Did you wish her a happy birthday and get her a gift? If so good for you." then tune him out.

The only way he's going to force an uncomfortable relationship on you with SD is if you allow it. Don't be afraid to set your boundaries and let DH know in a positive way. Reneforce his relationship with her, but make sure he understands you are not nor ever will be a part of that equation.

Focused_onourlife's picture

I'm not sure it's passive aggressive behavior on his end. I have never fully disengaged with SD and this is new behavior to him. He is definitely (as someone stated) feeling me out. He is used to me complaing, giving suggestions and carrying on with her on my own. I so wanted to mention the "so sd's coming and food part.." But at this point want to continue my disengagement my way because in the past when I tried, any little thing I did or said to him was a signal that I wasn't done and then came the constant arguments or conversations about her being messed up and learning blah blah blah. Like I said this is a new approach for both of us.

"The only way he's going to force an uncomfortable relationship on you with SD is if you allow it. Don't be afraid to set your boundaries and let DH know in a positive way. Reneforce his relationship with her, but make sure he understands you are not nor ever will be a part of that equation". Truest words spoken in a blended family tactic. This is the stage I'm at and trying different tactics that work for ME. Thanks for the reminder.

marblefawn's picture

I have the same fear about having SD pushed back on me after I've disengaged. Should it happen, I'm ready to just be honest with DH: "I feel so much better not seeing your daughter, I don't think she should come here for Thanksgiving. Just plan to go to her place."
Quick, honest, succinct, and so blunt, my husband should have no problem knowing I mean it.

Acratopotes's picture

Ever thought about it this way....

DH does not really want her around and now he hopes you say NO she's not welcome, cause then he can tell her, SM said NO... instead of, Sorry kiddo we might have a relationship if you start treating us with respect, until then NO...

Focused_onourlife's picture

I didn't think of it that way Acra! We actually had a similar thing happen. Last year after one of her episodes of "punishing DH and low key me too" (I was already done with her but not sure she knew at the time) she announced the was coming done to visit. Of course DH was happy and thinking, once again, she's changed. She was trying to be on her best behavior in front of my sister (her "Auntie") but I felt the vibe and so did DH, though he didn't mention it to me and tried to pretend he didn't notice since I didn't make a big deal about it. She couldn't help herself, found a reason to get mad at me and called herself venting about it to MY sister the night before she left and sister told me and also defended DH and I.

I told DH I was done even being around her and from that point on when she visits I will get a hotel room and have some me time. I mean who drives 600+ miles to visit someone's house that pays the bills there and make sure we know she is angry (not women enough to let us know face to face) but pretend to enjoy everyone else. She hated the fact that we we're all having fun and DH and I were happy.

Any, after I told DH that, he called SD and left a VM telling her "you can't come back down to visit, focused said you came down here with your attitude and drama so you can't come visit again til you change your attitude". Now I NEVER told DH I didn't want her to visit but that I was going to leave on her next visit. The way he worded it threw me under the bus. Of course, she blamed me and he told her it wasn't me but it was in such a subtle way.
He also, went right back on his word telling her "WE" wanted her to visit. Just crazy.

Your logic just took me back to that instance and has me wondering. There is definitely a motive along with him being afraid of his DD.

Acratopotes's picture

this is what you can do....

You can call this bitch up, with DH there, and say - You father talked crap, I never said you can't come down to visit HIM, all I said is that he has to inform you about a cheap motel close buy cause with your attitude you will not be staying in our house

There's no reason why you should leave your house, it's your house and all your belongings... she can stay in a hotel and DH can visit her there, she's not allowed back into your house ...

sammigirl's picture

Acrat: This is perfect!

I am going to keep this in mind.

I keep thinking my DH won't throw me under the bus again; he does it when I'm least expecting, so my comebacks are never there.