iamlosingit's picture

BM schedules another dr appt and guilt trips DH

I have posted on here numerous times about BM scheduling things without talking to DH, then guilt tripping him if he can't make it. Last time it was a dr appointment on a Wed at 10a.m. (not 100% sure on the time but too tired to check my other post). He ended up not being able to go due to work related issues. Then it was conferences scheduled in the morning again without discussion. Now she has scheduled a second Dr. appointment for tomorrow (a non skid weekend for us) at 345 and once again contacted DH with the "it's at ____, are you coming?". No, this is not an emergency check up it's just another routine one. At 10 y/o I also don't understand the need for all of these constant appointments either. We had family plans to get ready for the upcoming holiday and she just sprung this on him last week. DH is worried that if they go back to court BM can use this against him because he is not usually able to go to any of her scheduled dr appointments for ss because she just schedules them without talking to him and guilt trips him if he can't accommodate. Here's my issue; if its not a detrimental appointment why does he even NEED to go? I've never heard of two separated parents having to attend all dr appointments together. Heck when my parent's were still together my mom did all the appointments. If BM didn't want to or wasn't able to bring ss to any appointment she could call DH and he could schedule it on HIS time and bring him alone. I just don't see why they both have to go. They both have insurance cards from DH plan. This seems like a deliberate act on BM part to intrude on "our" time, and given all the drama we have had going on this week I really don't appreciate it. It's right in the middle of the afternoon making it extremely hard for us to get anything done beforehand unless we get up at 6a.m.
Have any of you gone through this? What did you do?


iamlosingit's picture

I can't figure out how to

I can't figure out how to edit but I want to add that it doesn't say anything in the CO about appointments other than DH has to have SS on his insurance and pay for most of the costs.

twoviewpoints's picture

A court can hardly come down

A court can hardly come down on Dad for not being able to attend appointments and P/T conferences he has no inclusion in making. In fact, I'd see it the other way around 'Ms. BM, why aren't you consulting with the father as to when non-emergency events are convenient for both of you and the father to attend?'.

At age ten, I can't imagine Dad needs to go in for a routine check-up. Would the little girl even want her father present in the room while dr is examining her? And if it's a case of conferring with the dr , Dad could confer via phone at the office's convenience. My daughter's dr's office nurse has called and conferred via phone several times when Dad ran her in for appointment but sat out in waiting room (my daughter is older than ten) when I could not make it in.

iamlosingit's picture

It's a boy not girl so maybe?

It's a boy not girl so maybe? But it still seems weird to me.

missjoyfulme's picture

I would suggest using Our

I would suggest using Our Family Wizard for communication and calendar. It will protect you in court showing that she is making these appointments and his reply. Of course a father (other parent) can't make all apointments). Holy hell when I was married I as the BM took and went to all MD appointments. I wonder if she is using this as an excuse to have your DH with her more, control and manipulation? I would move to a more parallel parenting model. They are not still married and some things are fine to do apart.

iamlosingit's picture

don't both parties have to

don't both parties have to install it? I don't think BM will.

missjoyfulme's picture

our won't use it either. BUt

our won't use it either. BUt here is what we did (and the mistake we made). First I would have DH send her a polite email saying that he wants to be involved and helpful in their "co Parenting". In order to do that he found this tool for "co Parenting" called Our Family Wizard. He would be willing to pay for it for both of them if she is interested. (a bit over 100 bucks I think and so worth the peace of mind). If she says sure. Then go for it. It is pretty self explainatory, check out the site and get it going. If she says no (as our did cause she really just wants to be intrusive and malignant) then you go to part two. This email is. In order to have some healthy boundaries and coparent, DH is going to do all communication through email. Set up a separate email just for parenting... ours title is even parenting related. He will only take text or IM for Emergencies only, no in person chats either. When she tries to push the limit and I suspect she will, he reminds her that they could use OFW but otherwise written email is the communication that he is choosing. His emails after that are most often less than 4 lines and BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly (ok not hostile) and Firm). No emotion, no personal crap, child centered. If she pushes by walking up to the car to chat at transfer (like our Voldemart did twice), he drives away, if she continue to text and call for nonemergencies (as ours did cause she really wants a slave to listen to her rambling or do her bidding or she is just impulsive and drunk) he does not answer her call and lets it go to voicemail (check it asap)and respond if emerency.Same with text. If not emergency, then send an email within the day reminding that email is for all nonemergent communication and all communication is child centered. We did this for 6 months and then said oh screw it as she kept sending text to him. (I really am not a jealous woman, but our BM has a personality disorder and I am fiersely protective of my family, my happy home, my happy marriage and as I am fond of saying "I do NOT invite the devil to dine at my dinner table"), he finally sent her a final email that said as of Day X, you will be blocked from my phone for texting and phone calls. I have a google account set up and you can call that, it goes to voice mail and he can check it. Of course, literally the day that she was blocked, she called that night and left a message in her whiny voice.... "we need to talk, we have 6 kids together, blah blah blah. (please this woman showed up drunk 3 weeks ago at pick up with ANOTHER new man, she did false accusations during custody battle, nope we don't need that evil in our lives. We are SO SO SO much happier, the kids are doing well and actually better as they are now seeing how to set healthy boundaries, and a healthy marriage and family.

thinkthrice's picture

SIX skids??!!! I thought

SIX skids??!!! Jawdropping! I thought Chef was bad off with THREE! You must have had to take out a 2nd mortgage on a mansion to pay the CS!!!!

Author of "The Guilty Parent Trap"--Amazon Kindle

missjoyfulme's picture

6 kids total between us. And

6 kids total between us. And one part time foster kid for 7.(long story, kid of my niece) But 3the olders are out of the house, Mine is at college and his one is a forever college student because she doesn't want to grow up (and is a complete replica of NarcSoc BM) and the other gets fired from her jobs. BM actually listed the almost 1000 a month she gives these two ADULT SKids as an expense of hers. (I call it bribe money cause if she stopped paying them, buying them cars, paying their phone (which she has tracking devices on) AND THESE SK are over 21! Anyway we really just have the 3 younger ones in our home most days (mine comes home from college for holidays).

marblefawn's picture

My parents stayed married and

My parents stayed married and I can't ever remember BOTH of them coming to my medical appointments. I recall both parents coming to teachers' conferences after my dad's workday was over. If it's not done in an intact family, why do it in a split family?

It's later than you think.

blueskies4me's picture

Smells like PAS attempts?

Smells like PAS attempts? Your DH should be documenting all this biohag conflict. If she schedules on his time on purpose that is PAS.

Not my kid, not my problem!

thinkthrice's picture

BINGO! It's called a set up

BINGO! It's called a set up for failure. The Girhippo did this as well and brought her clan in on it.

To the point of having Battleaxe Gallactica (BM's enmeshed BM) do an about face when she saw us at the skid's school play. She was escorting YSS, at the time 6 years old to the bathroom and didn't want YSS to see us there as it wouldn't fit the Girhippo's narrative of us not bothering to show up.

Author of "The Guilty Parent Trap"--Amazon Kindle

iamlosingit's picture

He tried having a talk with

He tried having a talk with her on Saturday that seemed to go well, but it still involves both of them going to the appointments together. He said "I have no issues with you telling me about our child's appointments, but if you want me to be there you need to call me beforehand so we can find a date that works for both of us and not just you. If there is an appointment you are not able to bring him to, let me know and I will schedule it and bring him"...Um...I appreciate him talking to her, but now it's giving her permission to jointly schedule these appointments and DH going to each one. She just scheduled an eye doctor appointment in December on DH day but earlier then visitation time, and now they are both going and he thanked her for letting him know in advance. Any time I bring up my discomfort he says "you just don't want me to co-parent". Um...no, co-parenting doesn't involve going to appointments together...it involves taking turns bringing him to appointments. Doesn't it? Am I missing something??

strugglingSM's picture

My dad never went to a

My dad never went to a doctor's appointment or parent teacher conference in his life. Granted, they were all pretty standard. Perhaps if I was having real medical troubles he would have gone to a doctor's appointment. My mom managed all the education, though, so even if I was struggling, I doubt he would have gone to a parent teacher conference because that was her realm (my mom is a teacher herself). Also, he certainly wouldn't have rearranged his work day to attend. Sounds like your DH has been firm with her on what his boundary is - if she wants him to go, they need to reach agreement on scheduling time; if there is an appointment she can't manage, he will arrange it and attend with the child. Now, he just needs to enforce that boundary and remind her what he said. If the child is 10, there is surely no reason for him to be there.

Ispofacto's picture

This. Most intact families

This. Most intact families only send one parent to these standard appointments.

Our BM is completely psycho, and tried so many different tactics to gain facetime with DH so she could try to manipulate him. This was one of those tactics. He didn't fall for it.

Restraining orders are just another way of saying "I love you".

BM to DD28, DS26, DS22 • : * ¨ ¨ * : • SM to SD13 - aka "Killjoy"