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Disengaged and now skids are attacking my DH for it

barbKarin's picture

After 15 years of total disrespect, I had to disengage and ban my DH's toxic children from our home.

The last straw was when the OSD called me a bitch and the other two laughed. In my own home.

DH has basically no respect from them. They are their mother's children and have learnt very early that their father is nothing more than a doormat and ATM.

So after the name calling, I finally stood up to them and said I will no longer entertain them in our home and that DH will see them outside.

They didn't even seem that mad about it and have used to to make their father buy them countless dinners.

This also makes me angry but I am committed to being disengaged and our finances are separate luckily.

My MIL passed away last month and apparently OSD has taken over the role of hosting Thanksgiving and all other family events.

DH got a call from OSD Sunday to tell him that since his kids aren't welcome in their home, she doesn't feel comfortable having us over at hers.

She barely let him answer and hung up. My poor DH ended up in tears. He just lost his mother and he really enjoyed being with his large family during Thanksgiving. It is a huge deal and everyone travels just to get together for the one night.

I ended up caving and making a call to OSD and told her to please have DH over and I will stay home. She put on a huge attitude and said that I made a choice and I have to deal with my consequences.

Now for the past few days things have been frosty with my DH and me. I am sure he blames me for this.

I am incredibly sad. I lost my only daughter 10 years ago. I really thought the stepkids would at least fill that void in my life. I have no other family left. And now my DH is mad at me.

OSD is also getting married in January and I am afraid of what stunt she will pull next.

My stepkids are 27,24 and 20 (he's a boy) now.

Any ideas on what to do? I didn't think disengagement would hurt my DH too.

still learning's picture

Do nothing. Let DH work this out w/his kids. Youre disengaged don't call them or try to fight DH's battles for him anymore. You're not the negotiator/peacekeeper anymore. If he wants to see them for holidays he'll find a way. If he wants to attend her wedding they'll work it out.

Look up the Karpman Drama triangle. Anytime you intervene you will be seen as the aggressor so just take yourself out of their dynamic all together.

sammigirl's picture

The Karpman Drama Triangle is very interesting. Take "still learning"s advice.

My DH is actually to blame for SD and my problems; I've posted the details before. But let me tell you, I blame SD56 more than DH, because now she won't let it drop; DH is trying to make it right with me.

SD loved the drama and obviously wants it to continue, after 4 years of disengagement. By the way, I'm blunt too; SD just can't help herself.

Blue Moon's picture

Don't forget that your DH is also getting the consequences for his actions, or in this case, his non-actions. You two wouldn't be in this situation if he had defended you over the years.

barbKarin's picture

That is true. But I also understand that he has been threatened with never seeing his kids again by his ex wifes manipulations. It is difficult situation. But he needs to deal with this himself like you said.

marblefawn's picture

Still not your fault that he married a manipulative woman who would use her own kids against their father.

notsofast's picture

His daughter is being the b!tch, not you.

He raised her, he should own her cruelty and manipulative behavior.

Guilty dads have a hard time with that, but you don't need to suffer because he struggles.

Don't sacrifice your boundaries and self esteem to soothe his.

barbKarin's picture

"Don't sacrifice your boundaries and self esteem to soothe his."

That a great comment. Thanks.

bearcub25's picture

It is possible that the skids will change their mind and allow DH to go for dinner. He has been taking them out to dinner since the incident correct? Sounds like she is just flexing her 'hostess' muscles right now.

Hopefully it works out for him.

ESMOD's picture

Honestly, if OSD wants to punish your DH for your development of a backbone then there is really nothing you can do to impact this situation.

I would remind DH that he had an opportunity years ago to insist that his children treat you with respect. Now, don't misunderstand me, they didn't have to LIKE you.. they didn't have to consider you a "mother" to them... all they owed you was the respect you would expect anyone to show to a host when in that person's home.

That means no name calling and if they can't behave civilly then they should go elsewhere.

At this point, you have done the best you can do. Tell OSD that you don't expect an invite and wouldn't come.. but that she should invite her father.

If she is going to be so vindictive, I would tell your DH.. that HE raised her.. so don't look at you now that she behaves like a jerk.

sandye21's picture

As futuro wrote,"You have a right to peace and protection in your own home." When someone comes into your home, calls you names, is threatening or purposely abusive you have the right to tell them to leave and not come back. Hold your head high that you had the courage to stand up for yourself despite the fact that your DH didn't. He should feel worse about his cowardice as a husband rather than not having dinner with people who have been abusive to his wife. Please do not 'cave in' again. Blue Moon wrote that this is the consequence of DH's 'non-actions', it is his responsibility to deal with it.

I banned SD from my home 7 years ago and have never regretted it. This was after 20 years of taking abuse from SD and DH throwing me under the bus repeatedly. It was my decision to take up for myself, and claim my right to be comfortable and safe in my own home. I gave DH the choice of working on the marriage or leaving. He chose the marriage - probably out of comfort and convenience. He has paid dearly for his decision - SD does not acknowledge his existence. That is the consequence of his choice, not mine. The longer SD makes DH 'pay' for his decision, the less he seems interested in dealing with the consequences. It just gets old and stale after a while.

Create another 'tradition' for Thanksgiving - possibly celebrating in a nice restaurant or volunteering to serve meals to the poor.

zerostepdrama's picture

What all family will be attending? They are okay with OSD excluding you and DH?

hereiam's picture

Would your DH even go to the family Thanksgiving without you?

What did he do when OSD called you a bitch?

barbKarin's picture

Thank you for the validation and support ladies.

The dinner was originally supposed to be hosted by DH's sister. But OSD somehow managed to talk her way into hosting herself on Sunday. The entire family cow tows to her.

I did not offer to host because of the tension with the stepkids and me and I wanted all of us to get together in a neutral place.

DH's sister called DH just now saying that we will be invited to the dinner and that she will make sure we do.

I obviously will not be going to OSD's house. She has tormented me over the years. Really disgusting behavior. I would rather stay home alone. Which is sad because I like DH's family. They are all I have.

twoviewpoints's picture

The mistake your SIL made was giving in and letting her niece have the dinner. Your SIL should tell the niece 'no'.

If SIL had the dinner everyone could and should have been invited. It's not SIL's place to pick favorites or loyalty between her brother and niece. She loves her brother and you and she loves her nieces and nephews. If the nieces and nephews chose not to go to Aunt's because Dad and SM were there, that's their problem. The adult kids have their BM's to attend if they would rather go to BM's, or OSD could have hosted her mother and her mother's side of the family.

Honestly, none of this has anything to do with OSD being p*ssed at Dad. She's trying to punish you. A grand gotcha SM. Dad's family are coming to my house and two can play the 'you are banned from my house' thing. Yep, Dad banned too. If she can't come to Dad's house , he can't come to her house. It's all about you. If she were truly angry at Dad she would not be having dinners outside the home with her father during regular get together for an evening or lunches.

Nope , this stunt is OSD shaking her buns in her face... and Aunt innocently (probably doesn't know what's all been going on) let the snot do it.

Aunt needs to tell her niece that Thanksgiving is back on at Aunt's home. OSD's father and Sm are being invited and OSD and the other skids are welcomed to come or not. But if they choose to come they must act civil and behave otherwise please don't attend and spoil Thanksgiving for the rest of the guest.

Your Dh needs to tell his sister to ride this one as the innocent bystander she is and to hold the original plan. Politely ask if there is anything DH and you can do to help SIL get ready and what you can bring.

Your DH has been through enough grief with the loss of his mother (your MIL) and SIL will not be a part of helping OSD make this holiday any harder on her brother.

I love my niece to pieces. But no way would I allow her to come between my sister and I. Niece and sister would both be invited to my home. They can all come or not.

notasm3's picture

DH's worthless son's equally worthless GF told DH that he couldn't see the grandchild because I would not let them use my vacation home (after they ransacked our primary home while we were gone).

Too bad. So sad. Not my problem.

Not sure what transpired, but DH has seen the grandchild. Still not my problem.

No Name's picture

Good for you! After what I have been going through with the skids I decided to book mini vacations this year for me and DH and he agreed to it.
No drama.
It will seem strange I am sure but maybe, just maybe I am starting a new tradition. For once we are not sitting here waiting for the skids to grace us with their presence.
I am actually not unhappy that they have made the decision that they will never step foot in our house again. It makes me happy that they can't report back to BM as to the goings on here and what we have or don't have.
I am not unhappy that I will no longer be shopping for the ungrateful skids. It will be really interesting to see what DH does. I just ignore him when he brings up the skids and their Christmas gifts.
I am not unhappy that I will no longer have to attend "family" functions that include BM's family and feel anxious and stressed knowing that "they" never wanted me there.
It is difficult for me when I feel like they are pulling the strings and DH is their puppet doing what ever it is that they request.
I would never allow my children to treat DH the way that DH allowed his kids to treat me.
Looking back I think that he tried to be their friend and in doing so sided with them instead of having my back. He played both sides of the fence until that fence came crashing down a few months ago.
Now the dynamics have changed. DH meets them away from our house and away from me. I think he is averaging one visit every six weeks. Visit one was at a restaurant and DH picked up the tab of course. Visit two was for one of the gskids birthdays so that was a gift giving occasion and now they have just contacted him for another restaurant visit.
It's funny now that they are attempting to manipulate DH they are actually paying him more attention than before.
Thanksgiving is just one day. Make new traditions for you and your husband. It will give you something to look forward to. Don't let them get you down.
Host a holiday party at your house. Surround yourself with friends and family. Invite them or don't invite them it's up to you, it's your party. Good luck to you!

Acratopotes's picture

Yo have my support...... you owe these adults nothing and it's not even your responsibility to make up with them. If DH wants to blame you, laugh and say...

OSD said it was my decision and I will have to live with the consequences, I don't mind not seeing her ever again, now remember this, your decision was never to tell your children not to talk to your wife like that, and this is the consequences you will have to live with....

Oh and delete his brat's phone numbers from your phone, block them, never call them or speak to them again...

Ispofacto's picture

Some posters think DH has been the target all along, but that isn't my experience. BM loved using DH as a punching bag and an ATM, that's all he ever was to her. 100% of BM's aggression and jealousy is focused on me.

Others are correct in thinking SD is attempting to get revenge on the SM here by hurting her DH, and by reacting to it, SM gave SD what she wanted. Now she will do this again and again.

OP, in the future, please do not react to the SD. Don't talk to her at all, ever. If she's playing games, urge DH to disengage too. She's hurting him deliberately.

Now that DH is an empty-nester, it's time to make some couples friends. They can be coworkers, people from church, neighbors, people you meet at a scrapbooking event, whatever. Go see some live bands on the weekends, go on a winery tour, a brewery tour, a murder mystery weekend or dinner, take a weekend trip to another city for some fine dining, or sporting events, or the zoo. Party your asses off. Have so much fun, DH doesn't have time to be lonely or bored, and doesn't have time to trifle with petty BS. You're much more fun to be with than a bunch of bratty overgrown toddlers.

Heck, DH and I joined a few groups at meetup.com and have dinners with groups of random strangers occasionally. They are quite engaging.

In the future, you will both fill your time and your lives with parties and dinners with people you enjoy being around. Host Thanksgiving at your house this year. Invite some elderly people from the local nursing home. They'll love it.

astheworldturns's picture

OP, I feel for you that you do not have your own family to spend Thanksgiving with. Do you have a friend or co-worker that you could go have Thanksgiving dinner with that day? It sounds like you are very anxious about the holidays and SDs upcoming wedding. Please, please do not allow Skids drama to ruin your holidays or have you stressing until the wedding. Let go of the guilt you are harboring for the way SD is treating DH. There was a quote on this site a while back that talked about dear husbands turning into "Helen Keller" when skids treat us like crap. Dear husbands suddenly become deaf, blind and mute lol! Sounds like this is EXACTLY what your DH did when SD called you a b!tch. Now it is YOUR turn to become Hellen Keller. When SD treats DH like crap, give him a taste of the same medicine, act blind, deaf and mute - not your problem.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I fully understand OP. My Twit did this with DH when I cut off dealing with her. From what DH said to me she was going to him asking why I wasn't having anything to do with her, letting her be, basically ignoring her existence. How could he let me treat HER that way....along with her boo hoo hoo's laid on very thick to put guilt on DH.

The only thing she was piqued at is that she no longer could be nasty and mean to me so that she could get her pyscho pleasure out if it.

Once she even complained to DH that I had ignored her, yep ignored her and how terrible that was. While I amall too happy to ignore her that was not one of the occasions. That time I didn't even know or care she was around. DH brought it up to me and I told him the truth....never saw her. But, and here is the corker, she walked right by me deliberately snubbing me not noticing DH was only a few feet away from me and watching. DH said he saw that and she was out of line, not that I cared, but for her to originally start her bs with DH did tee me off. I guess he went and said something to her which resulted in her taking off crying...boo hoo hoo. She oly cried bcause she got caught in her game.

Anyway, just support your DH and let him deal with them. Stay disengaged because by doing what they are doing they are trying to get you back into their game.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

OP - Guess the best advise is to remind you that YOU disengaged from the SD and the rest of them. Keep it that way. Leave them to their drama. Your DH is a man and he can handle himself if they want to go after him. Besides, doing that might just strengthen your case on why you disengaged.

enuf's picture

I agree your dh is a man and has dealt with them forever. Respecting your dh as a man means that you let him handle his own battles and do not intervene. In the meantime make the best thanksgiving dinner ever for both of you. Heck when it was just me an my ds I would go out and by a 20lb turkey, all the trimmings and not just one pie, but several. I made a feast and it felt good to do so. So just up in the morning put the turkey in the oven and smell it cook, even if it is just you, it will be heavenly. Do not let the b**tch ruin the day for you or your dh. Do not mention sd keep her from occupying space in your heart, she is not worth it. What she did was quite cruel.

SugarSpice's picture

your dh is crying over his predicament with his children? i know its painful to lose a parent but he is paying for his own lack of balls in dealing with his children.

my dh has the spine of wet noodle when it comes to his skids. they have him so beaten down that if they asked him to jump hed ask how high.

he let himself be a doormat and the skids thought i would be the same.

all of the skids came to roost in our home when they one by one turned 18 and bm threw them out of the house. he paid for everything buying cars and paying for college without a penny from bm.

finally one skid told me to my face to go to h#ll and in she had plans to move in with friends by the end of the day. i am really surprised spineless dh actually backed me up on it. i had visions of him crawling and begging for us to mend the argument. that would have been the beginning of the end and me moving out and filing for separation.

like it of not, disengaging is something you must do for your own dignity and sanity. if your dh continues to allow himself to be a door mat to his own children and not recover his own dignity, you have to disengage.

you must face the reality of what is. you have a spineless husband and mean skids.

most of us at st have had to face this at some point. its painful to marry a man and see him for what he is and what his children are.

if your husband wont demand his own children to treat his wife with respect then he can suffer the consequences.

i also think bereavement counseling can help your dh. hospitals and churches have services for this.

fairyo's picture

This is spot on Sugar- 'disengagement is something you must do for your own dignity and sanity' absolutely.

SugarSpice's picture

i feel sorry for the dh of the op in that he lost his mother. that is a rite of passage for older adults.

still the dh has no one to blame but himself for the behaviour of his bratty adult daughter. she thinks so little of her father that she can exclude him at a time when he is hurting and might need support from his family.

that is not the fault of the op in any way shape or form.