You are here

How do you deal with resentment towards DH after disengaging?

need.my.normal.back's picture

Hi - I am not posting much on the forum because I feel like I can not offer any support, as I am so lost in my own situation. However, I read a lot about other SM situation and I do realize some of you ladies have it so much worse then I do, so please forgive me if my problem seems silly to you compare to what you have to deal with.

It has been almost a year since I disengaged from SD22 and SS25. I do not see them any more, they don't come to my house, zero interaction. I solved a problem being treated as an invisible furniture or passive aggressive in my own home, but unfortunately another problem have been created in my marriage as a result and I don't know how to deal with it.

I resent my husband. He allowed his daughter, son and son's girlfriend treat me so awful for so long and he never said anything to them to stand up for me. Since last Christmas when I told him that ether he will understand I am disengaging or we have to split, he is hiding everything connected to his kids. He has his whole other life away from me as a secret. I feel like I have my life shared with him fully and I have no secrets, but he is "cheating" on our marriage with another family.

Also the fact that he is ok with his grown up kids treat me so awful for 10 years for no real reason is really bothers me. He is my man - isn't he meant to shelter me from hurt? I would never allow my son's treat him the way his kids treated me.

I don't like him any more, every time he is going to hang out with them I am so angry and hurt, and now I feel like my disappointment in him is so big that this is all I feel now days and I see that he has no clue why I am so distant from him.

How do you deal with this? Does anyone else have this feeling of resentment toward husband?

zerostepdrama's picture

(((HUGS))) I initially did when I first disengaged. It felt like I tried so hard for us to be a "family" or at least get along and when that didn't work and I disengaged (for my own sanity) now I felt like he had a secret family. I felt like instead of DH actually putting an effort into making things better, working with the skids to make things better that he instead got to have his cake and eat it too.

Over time though I really started to enjoy the time away from the skids and not having to deal with them. I didn't want to interfere with him having a relationship with them so I obviously needed to come to terms with it.

As far as the resentment... you will have to decide if you can get over that and if not, what you want to do about it. I have learned that my DH is never going to see what I see in his kids. As their parent he sadly isn't going to see their crappy behavior the same way that I do. I had to learn to accept that.

Time also helps. DH didn't see things right away when I disengaged. It took a couple of years. But over time, as I felt better with the situation and I started to relax some and stop putting my expectations on him about the skids and how I thought things should be, with time DH did start to see the skids for who they are and get a different perspective on how they treated me. Maybe not the exact same as I felt, but he started to see stuff.

sandye21's picture

^^^This^^^ As time goes by it gets better - and it DOES take time to get over the resentment you feel for DH's lack of support. But your DH is doing you a favor by not bringing up the skids. He has a right to see them as long as it does not impact your 'together' time. Create a 'tradition': While he is visiting with the skids pamper yourself in a special way like going out with friends or getting a make-over or pedicure. One thing I noticed was when I started to believe I was worthy of respect by DH, he started respecting me more.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Ditto to all of this. I also want to say that OP's DH may be afraid to bring up the topic of his kids because he knows it's a difficult subject with his wife. I found my DH wanted to discuss certain things pertaining to his kids but was afraid to bring them up to me.

Time definitely helps.

Tiger7's picture

Hi - I'm fairly new to this site and not yet married to my SO. This has been so helpful since its my first time dealing with stepkids and I've learned a lot. I like the advise about disengaging....my SO is having issues with his 17 yr old. Bottom line is that I know she'll eventually come around cause she'll want stuff from him again. I will not allow her back in my life though until I see a REAL change. However, I recognize that its his kid and he loves her. Just like I love mine. Your DH should never allow his kids to disrespect you but if he still wants a relationship with them, he should be allowed to have it. Since you told him you're disengaging, it sounds like he's just not sharing anything about them because of how you feel. Why do you want to know about his time with them? If he spends most of his time with you and just sometimes with them, let it go. Idk if this is right cause like I said, this is all new to me. I just have a feeling that my future is going to be similar when it comes to my SO's daughter. He can go see her and hang with her, etc. I don't think I'm going to want much to do with that one but I will never keep him from having a relationship with her.

sammigirl's picture

I am here! I have been disengaged for 7+ years, totally disengaged for the past 4 years.

After 4 years, my DH is coming around to accepting my disengagement from SD56 and SGD32 (mother/daughter). My DH knows how they treated me for 30+ years, before I disengaged; we have been married for 38 years (January). In the past 4 years, he has recognized the entire problem.

I still resent the way I was treated. My respect for my DH diminished, thus I've never regained the trust we had. I gave myself completely to my DH and our marriage; now I have my own life and my marriage.

You are gong thru the acceptance that your marriage and your relationship with your DH will always be different from this day forward. Accepting the facts and making a life of your own is the bottom line. How and what you do to accomplish this is your goal from here out.

I still have bad days with my SD and SGD; they see to it. But I am learning to dismiss it and move forward. They mean nothing to me and I don't care what their lives with DH are about. I am much happier, we are much happier, my DH never talks to me about them, he texts, calls, and interacts with them daily. I just don't ask and I have made myself a life without the drama.

You will get there. There is a great deal of hurt, hate, and anger on your part; there will be, but as mentioned in these other posts, time will take care of it. Disengagement means you are left out of their lives, you move forward with your own life. Disengagement has stages of grief, just as death or divorce have different stages of getting thru it.

Keep in mind, this is better for your mental and physical health in the end. Build a life around your DH and marriage; let the past go. It is easier said than accomplished and I am still working on it, after 7 years of disengagement.

(((hugs))) We understand here. Stay here and read and vent. We are here for you.

ESMOD's picture

I think if it helps at all, try to have some empathy for his position. I mean, even though he is your husband, those are also his children. He doesn't have the ability to MAKE them like you or treat you kindly. Unfortunately, he probably has a justified fear that if he were to make demands on them that he might lose their affection.. so he is trapped in this middle ground where he is damned on one side for doing something, but doing the opposite will result in a damning from the other.

He doesn't want to create a rift with his kids between himself and them. He wants to respect that you shouldn't have to be around people that behave hurtfully towards you.

So, he has taken your request to respect your disengagement to heart and hides or compartmentalizes that part of his life from you.. maybe because he feels that spares you hurt.

I think he is likely doing the best he can under a difficult situation and while I understand the resentment because he didn't stick up for you, it might help to realize that in some ways doing so may have cost him a relationship with his kids that while they may not be great.. they still are his children.

sammigirl's picture

My DH created the problem; he betrayed me to SD56. Therefore, it's his problem to live with it. I gave them my trust, love, and a blended family for years (so I thought). SD doesn't like me, so now she doesn't have to put up with me, her choice, and I accommodated her.

I recognize he loves his kids. I recognize his daughter believed his betrayal (which he also did with BM, while married to her). So now it is their circus.

My DH wants us to be a "Brady Bunch" family again; like it was 30+ years, until I found out for 15 of our 38 year marriage, they plotted against me and it was getting worse every day.

Everyone's situation is different. I have NO sympathy for my DH and his DD. They ask for what they got. They had absolutely no reason to treat me the way they did; but they did.

Now I have moved forward. I do not discuss it, I do not live in the past; but I do have a life without them now. Yes, my DH is damned on one side and is damned from the other; his doing.

need.my.normal.back's picture

Situation is so conflicting on so many levels. I had to have conflict with both of my sons in the beginning of my marriage because they where boys and teenagers an they where crossing the line in interaction with my husband. Was it easy for me? No. Was my kids upset with me? Totally, but I had to do it because a) my husband didn't deserve to be treated like this and b) because I am a mother and it is my job to raise decent humans.

So as much as I do understand that my husband is stuck between me and his kids, I do not understand how he allowed all this to happen on his end and never stood up for me? And now it feels as its ok to treat me so bad for so long, all they need to do is have me out of picture, like I don't matter and they can have fun time with Dad. SD like to throw "you are irrelevant" my way....and now I am actually totally irrelevant.

On top of it all, they now fully support BM who got another "very serious" relationship recently and both SD and SS treat that new man with respect and tell my husband "he is such a nice guy".

Trust...this is what broken, trust that my husband as a man have my back, like I always have his. He let SD sit at my Christmas dinner in my house coming 2 hours late and not even say hi to me and have a good time talking to everyone but me...he let this happen after I slaved in kitchen for 2 days and bought presents for his kids. He is ok with that, goddammit, its really hurt and as an adult I do need to know by now how to deal with my own feelings, but its such overwhelming feeling of people being so unfair to me and hurtful, just because they can...and my husband is ok with it.

zerostepdrama's picture

You have to decide how long you want to be upset about it.

DH would act like it was no big deal when MSD would steal from me. "Get over it" "That's just the way she is" "She's a kid, she'll learn" "Its just material things".

Girl skids would do the same thing, come in my house, not acknowledge me and DH wouldn't even think twice about it. He didn't want to rock the boat, make things worse. Have me AND his kids mad at him.

It wasn't until I made it WORSE for him for ME to be mad that he did start to get an idea... but it didn't take back the damage that had already been done, the action that the skids did.

But I had to make the choice that if I stayed with my DH, I had to learn to get over it. Why let that bother me and steal my happiness? He doesn't get it. Okay. It sucks but okay. Lesson learned. You're disengaged now, so there should be no new incidents like that happening so just try to move forward for your own happiness.

SacrificialLamb's picture

"It wasn't until I made it WORSE for him for ME to be mad that he did start to get an idea... but it didn't take back the damage that had already been done, the action that the skids did."

Yep. The number one motivator for most men is his own convenience. When my DH started to realize he might lose his very comfortable marriage, retirement, home, life, because he was scared of his oldest daughter, he started to address things.

And agree with you; you have to let it go. If the rest of of your marriage is good, you have decide if this issue is a hill to die on. The rest of ours was happy, and I was willing to move on , which meant letting go. I am not there yet but it is moving in the right direction. He can visit his oldest child on his own; I am so thrilled to not have to see her histrionic behavior.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

"...it didn't take back the damage that had already been done, the action that the skids did..."

Yep, the damage is done. And when you have skids who are HAPPY to have caused damage, who GASLIGHT a bunch of crap, and who are NOT sorry... there is nothing you can do but control your OWN feelings and actions. In my situation, the SDs are now dead to me. I wouldn't care if they were stranded stark naked in subzero temps. I will never again lift a finger to help them.

Am I sorry about the situation? I USED to be. I made peace with myself because they are toxic beeyotches and I don't do toxic.

Do I let it affect my relationship with my husband? NO. In fact, if they decide to 'bless' us with their presence at Christmas, I will treat them almost like I would a stranger: I will be polite. Period. Dot. And that is only because I love and respect my husband. If I actually see those beeyotches in public, I will look right past them with no feelings of guilt.

sammigirl's picture

You have every right to feel like you do. It will get easer, believe me, with time and effort on your part, to put yourself first.

Do not subject yourself to the mistreatment; step away from it and let DH and SD have their relationship without you. Your SD has not won; she has lost a person in her life that would have been good to her. DH has lost your trust and is not worthy of you wasting your time on anger and hate.

Get well for yourself. To hell with them.

I went thru this and am doing much better. It is so hurtful, but you have to take care of your mental state. Stay here with us for sure.

need.my.normal.back's picture

Will intensity of this dark feelings in me change with time? I think that is what you ladies saying? Time will heal this pain? Brain understands but heart is not cooperating at all....

I guess I should have hope that maybe I will adapt to this new reality, the new man who is not the one I actually fall in love with? I was reading all this books on step-family before we got married and I was convinced I will be one of those SM who skids like, because if you project love and respect and care that is what you should get back...wasted money on those books that's for sure!

zerostepdrama's picture

What would be your ideal situation with you being disengaged? How would you want your DH and the skids to behave and proceed?

need.my.normal.back's picture

I would not want to be disengaged, I love the idea of having all four kids for dinner and all of us having a good time. I don't think its possible any more...so to answer your question, I really don't know.

Now that I am thinking about it, I want us all to get along and not have separate lives. I wish DH can get to the bottom of it all and at least give me some closure as to what I did wrong to have his kids (SD actually more then SS, he is just being loyal to his sister) dislike me like this. I don't understand why it is all happened. The more adult SD become the more she hates me and I don't know why or if there is anything I can do to have her feel like I am decent enough person to be treated with respect.

DH don't want to bring the subject with SD ether, he don't know whats her problem with me, so he is approaching this as I don't exists any more in his other life with his kids. And I think the fact that he is this easily erased me and have his other family without me hurts.

sammigirl's picture

I may be wrong; Is you DH betraying and talking behind your back to SD?

This is what my DH did for 15 years and I didn't realize it.

My SD56 wrote me a two page hate email and threw DH under the bus. When I read the email, I knew! He had been going to her with every little incident in our marriage; thus she grew to hate me, thru him.

need.my.normal.back's picture

At this point I don't think so, but then again I was wrong before...I hope he doesn't and I am sorry your DH did this to you, not cool.

bearcub25's picture

You will never get to the bottom of why they hate you, but in 99.9% of the cases, its bc of BM.

I raised my SD for the past 7 years, did all of the woman type stuff with her. BM was rarely in her life, did absolutely nothing for her. There would be months where SD didn't go and do weekend visitation with BM.

SD went to stay with BM after school ended this past summer and she did something stupid, I fixed the situation but SD started ignoring my texts after that. This usually occurred after summer break, but she would be back for school and it would be back to normal for her and I.

Not this year. She hasn't really came back to the house at all, we don't speak much or interact at all. I was disengaging a little bit as she had gotten older, but this complete break angers me and saddens me at the same time.

The funny thing is, DSO gets along with my DS32 and his wife, DD27, and my 3 grandkids. I get along with 0 of the 3 skids now and its all bc of BM.

SugarSpice's picture

its for the sole reason that you are married their father and take away attention and money that would otherwise be given to them.

its the skids that resent you.

ldvilen's picture

t!I always say that a SM's world is backwards, and this is why no one other than a SM can even begin to understand, and usually not for years down the road. "Common sense" tells you, "if you project love and respect and care that is what you should get back." This is not the case for SMs, and for SMs, it even follows backwards. There are studies that show the more a SM tries and shows compassion for her SKs, the more likely they are to resent her because it brings up conflicting feelings of loyalty for them. They want to or are geared to by someone (BM?) or society to hate SM, and when SM goes out of her way to try to let them know she is not that bad, SKs don't want to hear it.

One thing to remember is that bio-mom has the most power, just by being bio-mom. The Golden Uterus is more fact than myth, in step cases. There is something about giving birth, creating life for 9 months, that elevates BM to sainthood, regardless of her lifestyle or even regardless of whether she cheated on dad or not. Thus, step-dads fare way better than SMs, usually. BMs are usually elevated to sainthood, while after divorce, bio-dads are usually delegated to and termed deadbeat dad. Step-dad gets to ride up, up and away on saint BM's allure, while SM gets thrown down in the tank along with deadbeat dad. Not fair. But, life is not always fair, of course. It just is the way it is.

If I remember correctly, like me, it was one big-whopa$$ eye opening moment, where you finally said enough is enough and wound up disengaging. The incident (we'll call it that) for me was almost 3 1/2 years ago. I was so !$!@$ pissed at that time. I was so !#$!@#$ ticked at my DH. I couldn't believe the teeny-weeny ball.less wonder could even think of treating me that way much less treat me that way--as if I were totally invisible and irrevelant to him. Here he was a 6'4" handsome, wonderful man, and he was, in my eyes, licking BM's boots every five seconds and acting like her vastly inferior consort. His adult kids were treating him little better. BM got to the run the show completely, and my husband of 15 years just let her go and did not say one word. Not one. And, I didn't blame his SKs and I didn't blame her. I blamed him.

When we came back, I went about as ballistic as one can go without actually taking off. He did apologize, but so much damage had been done at that point, it was worthless. At that time in my life I was already going thru a difficult time, and then this!! I felt truly alone and betrayed. To me, it was like my DH had just stabbed me in the thigh in front of his ex- and adult SKs, and then they all flinched, said nothing, and went on their merry way. It was that bad. And, I'm telling you this, because I know so-o-o well how you must feel right now. I can tell you too, I had so many others things to deal with at that time, that all I could do was disengage from my own DH, much less his children, and go into bare minimum survival mode for about a year.

After a year, approx. 2 1/2 years ago, I just happened to bump into another SM in a rather bizarre way, and she confirmed for me that what went down that day was just wrong. You see, up to that point, I couldn't even really get my head around of what went wrong, what went down, what could I have done, and so on. I just knew I was pissed at my DH. Anyway, that other SM gave me what I so much needed--she gave me validation. To make a long story short, I wound up first seeing a counselor (one who specialized in marriage and family counseling) alone. At the time, I didn't know if I needed to bring my DH into it or not, but I wanted to be prepared. I wanted to see if my instincts (that throwing me under the bus that day) were right or ? I spent several sessions with the counselor just venting. Thank God, she understood and understood that my position as my husband's wife was not respected by ANYONE. The, I started doing research, and I found this site!

So, this brings me to now. What can I tell you now? Just like all of the others have said, it takes time. You might want to asked yourself was there anything else going on in your life around this time too that may have escalated the situation. This can be important, because you may have some other things to work thru in addition to this particular incident. This is something the counselor helped me with immensely--to focus. I made the decision to semi-disengage from my adult SKs and only attend events where I feel I'll be treated fairly. If I don't want to go, then DH has the choice to go himself, because just like he has the right to a relationship with you, he has the right to a relationship with his children.

I lost something that day. I'm not sure what it was, and I'm not sure I'll ever get it back. But, I'm starting to realize just how terrified some of these divorced men with children really are of their ex's. BMs have an incredible amount of power over their children, and maybe they should. But, if BM is controlling, manipulative or even remotely narcissistic, there is going to be hell to pay for both bio-dad and SM, and society even backs them up on this, for the most part--that BMs forever own the father of their children. Yuck!, I know. And, if bio-dad or DH is even remotely weak and can't put his foot down, then bio-dad and SM are going to have double hell to pay.

At this point, I'm not making excuses for DH, but I actually feel divorced dads fare little better than SMs, and that is because that is why our society has set it up. This is what needs to change. It's been 3 1/2 years since, and there has been some progress with my DH. I'd suggest you see a counselor to try to hone in on what you need to see change, or even just to figure out what it is you are looking for. Right now you are really, really angry, and I get that, but at some point you have to move on, whatever that may be. Disengaging does go far to release SKs from your mind. I had no bio-children and I was hoping to have his children as bonus children. H-, I had to give up on ALL of that. It was hard. DH's betrayal and getting that trust back, now that is something else. Baby steps and time on that one.

need.my.normal.back's picture

Wow! My goodness, I had no chance from the beginning, did I? Thank you for taking time to share your story, it helps. Sorry that you actually understand exactly what I feel right now, sucks so much. I need to let go, I know I need to, I just don't know how...I will keep reading around here, I've got to figure this out. I just don't think I have been ever hurt like this. Even when my ex cheated on me, I think it didn't hurt as much, also as you can imagine, I already struggle in trust department.

bearcub25's picture

It took me a long time to get that in my head 'Let it all go'. I kept analying, figuring there had to be a way to fix it, kept blaming myself for not being a better SM, tried harder, beat myself up until one day I realized that I just didn't give a S--- anymore.

ldvilen's picture

It’s interesting that you say this hurt more than finding out that your ex- cheated on you. I saw on another site where one SM said the incident she went through (similar to mine) was harder on her than the death of her own father. I believe it. When a spouse cheats on us or a father passes, you may be shocked and upset beyond belief, but you also get support and understanding from those around you.

When you are a SM and get treated like a ho, so to speak, in front of multiple family members, not only do you NOT get support, but you also get those around you acting like no harm was done and you are the one with the problem. This is what makes your pain doubly unbearable. You husband has little to no comprehension of your pain. But for you, to use an analogy, it is like your dad just died and your DH, the love of your life, said, “Big deal. What are you so upset about. Get over it.” You didn’t see this part coming at all.

That is why when these types of situations occur, it can literally feel like the worst day of your life, because despite all of the pain, anger and frustration you are having, you are not getting any support or understanding from your own husband, someone who is supposed to be your partner for life, and if you can’t get it from him, then who can you get it from? And, it is not like he is having to choose. There is no Sophie’s Choice going on here. You just want him to act like the husband he is supposed to be and be looking out for you (at least somewhat, for God’s sake!) and acting like an intact male.

All I know is that day I lost two kids (my SKs) and a part of my husband. I had to give up any thought I had of ever having an amiable or equal relationship with my adult SKs. And, I realized that I did not have a 100% husband. At that time, and for months after, I literally felt like I was married to someone else’s husband. That feeling has since lifted from me, but I still don’t feel like I have my husband back 100%. Honestly, don’t know if I ever will. Working on it. Now, I can’t say for sure that what went on that day would be worse than losing my own father, but I can sure see where for some SMs, it could be.

And, to boot, as horrible as it was, because your DH doesn’t fully recognize his own part in it, you have no assurances that it won’t happen again! So, you disengage. What you are disengaging from is not so much his adult children, but your husband’s inability to treat you like his wife and his inability to treat his children like his children. You realize when his children and his ex- are around, for whatever reason, your own DH goes back into “I’m still married to my ex- mode.” If his children and ex- are not around, then he seems to have little problem acting like he is married to you. A very odd, odd situation to be in. I swear. Just like there should be a brochure for SMs entitled, “You will get screwed at weddings and other family events,” there should be one for DHs entitled, “Your wife is your wife and not a dumping ground for your past, unresolved \divorce issues.”

sandye21's picture

You really nailed it, Idvilen. This past weekend another SM and I were discussing our situations. Her DH had left for the weekend to travel many miles to visit her SD who treated her like dog doo. From the way she spoke, it was as if DH was leaving her to have a weekend affair with another woman. What totally amazed her, and what seemed to upset her most of all, was that she could not get support from people whom she thought were 'friends'. She was blown away by some of they things they said to her.

When someone dies, you mourn, your friends give you support, you heal, you learn to go on with good memories. After disengaging we have to go through a 'mourning period' of sorts. Our marriage, as we had initially envisioned it, is dead and gone. The dreams we had for living the rest of our days in the arms of a man who cherishes us are dead and gone. The strong man who was going to protect us is dead and gone. If we did not have kids, the loving 'family' we were going to celebrate holidays with is dead and gone. On top of that, you feel totally betrayed and misunderstood by people whom you depended upon for support - so part of a friendship dies as well.

The realization that you do not have a 100% husband is a hard thing to swallow. You do not get 100% support, you cannot heal 100%, you have to move on living with a coward of a man who does not prioritize his marriage, and the memories are not good - in fact, you are still living with with some issues which will never die. There is no true 'finality' of this kind of 'death'.

need.my.normal.back's picture

Sad I agree with all of this, yet we, SM, keep going with those man who hurt us.

Like other said, if there is still some love left, its hard to give up, especially after so much time and emotions already spent and some progress has been made.

I know if I ever divorce my DH I will never ever EVER live with another man who have children. New man, new Skids, new BM - kill me now, never again.

SacrificialLamb's picture

"What totally amazed her, and what seemed to upset her most of all, was that she could not get support from people whom she thought were 'friends'. She was blown away by some of they things they said to her."

A friend of mine was recently divorced after 23 years of marriage. She had an SD who was 5 when she married her ex-H. There were many problems in the marriage due to BM and DH's coddling of his DD. The DD wanted nothing to do with her half-siblings after they were born.

A little while after the divorce I was describing my OSD's behavior to my friend. She was not very sympathetic. She didn't understand why I was upset that DH had confided in his kids. "We are partners with our DH's so we deal with the poor behavior together (and her DH didn't have her back either)". "The poor kids lost a lot when their parents divorced (his DDs are both in their 40's)". As nice as DH is she couldn't believe one of his kids would act that way.

So now that she was divorced with children (young adults) she viewed the entire situation from a BM's perspective.

Kes's picture

I can absolutely identify with the resentment over your DH not having your back for so many years, with your SKIDs. My SDs are now ages 20 and 22, and my feelings are only now beginning to subside a little, after they stopped coming here EOW in 2013 or so.

Every so often, something will happen which stirs these feelings up again, uncomfortably. But on the whole I think time is a healer. However, if you feel that your DH is currently doing stuff which is against the spirit of your marriage and you being each other's best friend and supporter, then, I think you should address it with him. Don't allow it to fester.

need.my.normal.back's picture

Have any of you ever figured out why skids hate you? There is gotta be a reason...people don't just treat other people badly for no reason. I think if I at least knew why, I can move on...I am stuck in this "what did I do to have this negativity in my family?" and I don't know...and when I ask DH , he is saying he doesn't think I ever did anything to upset his kids, yet he is ok with allowing his now grown up kids to be so rude to me in my own home.

sammigirl's picture

I experienced and still experience the same thing; but now I know why.

DH talked behind my back (betrayed me) to SD56. He did the same thing with BM years ago, to SD.

When you gossip about someone, or try to make someone look bad, it changes your view of the person they are gossiping about. You either no longer like that person or think very differently of them.

This is what happened with my SD and myself. DH knows now what he did. I pointed it out to him; but it is too late for SD and my relationship. DH nor SD will sit down and discuss it with me, nor will they apologize. So we have moved forward with disengagement; but we move forward with understanding the reason why.

You will learn what happened, I'm sure. Maybe you can fix it, but we can't, because all parties involved will not own their part of the problem. I even apologized to SD and DH for my part; I owned it. They refuse.

I will not discuss it after this length of time now. It's over and behind us. I hate my SD and tolerate my marriage.

callmedone's picture

"I hate my SD and tolerate my marriage." Well, that pretty much says it ALL. We're in the exact same place.

I'll never trust my DH again and the resentment and disappointment I live with is literally off the charts. The repercussions that go along with living with someone that is not trustworthy are just plain awful. And never forget.. his untrustworthiness has cost YOU any sense of security you had in your marriage. I tend to trust until I have been given a reason not to, but at this point, at least in my case, time will not heal this. The loss of respect is also hard to deal with. Like sammigirl, I simply tolerate my marriage while recognizing that I deserved so much better than what I got. Yet, I look at these people, SD, BM and DH, and I do almost feel pity for them.

ldvilen's picture

No. There doesn't need to be a reason. As per above, "There are studies that show the more a SM tries and shows compassion for her SKs, the more likely they are to resent her because it brings up conflicting feelings of loyalty for them. They want to or are geared to by someone (BM?) or society to hate SM, and when SM goes out of her way to try to let them know she is not that bad, SKs don't want to hear it."

ESMOD's picture

What did you do?

In every situation the reasons are probably different and in many cases have NOTHING to do with who you are...

Now, maybe there was something you did that bothered them. Perhaps you "tried too hard" or came in and tried to run roughshod over what they considered their family traditions and dynamics. Perhaps it was just something small and or you had more expectations than they were able to provide.

However, there is also the matter of unresolved issues surrounding their parent's split. Even if you were not even a twinkle in your SO's eyes...they may still be angry about the fact that their family split and since people often have a hard time blaming the TRUE problem.. they transfer that anger or frustration at someone else..YOU.

Or, their mother could be a poison pill spewing negativity towards you because she is bitter at her EX?

Or the kids could be concerned that you are going to spend up their inheritance or take it from them.

Or they have undiagnosed mental conditions

Or you and they are just not compatible people. Not everyone is going to get along..

I know it's hurtful because you feel like your DH should have done what you did with your kids. But, everyone deals with conflict in different ways. Women and men perceive things differently and often pick up on social cues differently. Perhaps his kids even were upset about how your boys behaved even though you DID correct them?

Again, you could have done "something" or "nothing" and in the end, I think you will be happiest if you just let things go as one of those things you can't control, so won't worry about.

Let your DH have his relationship with his children. He isn't imposing it on you and as long as you don't feel you are being cheated of significant portions of time with him... then live and let live.

SacrificialLamb's picture

My OSD hates me because she needs to be the center of attention. When I first started dating DH she told me how close she and her dad were. She was marking her territory; she viewed her father as her property.

In her mind I stole her father. He spends most of his time with me rather than catering to her own children. There is likely a financial component to it also.

Overall, she is a very needy, histrionic person who does not feel comfortable unless people are adoring her. A lot of people have issues, and a Family Intruder like a SM does not help with those issues.

If you have not read the book StepMonster by Wednesday Martin, it's a good read and will shed some light on the stepfamily dynamic.

The dream of the blended family may not happen. Or it may happen in parts. I get along better with YSD, and she and her boyfriend are coming here for Christmas. I also know, however, to not get too attached. She may be nice to me, but she ultimately wants to see her father. I get it.

hereiam's picture

I don't think my SD26 actually HATES me but I do know that she believes the lies her mother has told her, so she certainly dislikes me (but knows better than to be outright disrespectful to me). I've been in her life since she was 5 and did not find out until she was 15, what she really thought about me.

She also has a lot of negative feelings towards DH (also thanks to BM), so DH and I live our lives and she lives hers, DH rarely sees her. They used to talk on the phone quite a bit but she's currently mad at him, so...

Is there a BM who has maybe put some ideas into their heads?

need.my.normal.back's picture

BM is really awful person/mother/woman in my opinion. Her first boyfriend, the one she cheated with on my DH, was very attracted to SD and did some stuff that we still don't know full truth about to SD. She moved in with us because of that and was living in our home for almost a year and I made my priority for her to be happy. I felt so bad for what happened to her, I got her closet of new stuff because BM didn't buy her any cloth, took her to dentist, because BM didn't take her for 5 years...all that...during that stay I experienced full version of mini-wife, but I thought DH just over protective of her because of what happened.

The moment BM broke up with her boyfriend, SD left with all that stuff I bought her and gradually become more and more passive aggressive when she would visit. Quite opposite of what I expected, to be at least grateful I treat her like my own and open my home to her.

need.my.normal.back's picture

"I resent the fact that my disengagement is not acknowledged. I am not missed at family functions anymore than when I did attend and was ignored. A total waste of time the past twenty years of attending for appearances sake.

I resent the fact that there are nasty people in this world that gave me a need to disengage. I never thought about it prior to being involved with these offensive people.

But I consciously make the effort to focus on what was good in our marriage. In many ways it was the end of that part of my love affair with my husband. I was crazy about the man I fell in love with. I will always love that man, but I am not crazy about him anymore. And that is a sad realization."

EVERY SINGLE WORD is how I feel!!! So sad, and you know what is even worse? DH thinks I am just crazy to feel the way i feel and "just stop thinking about it" or "they are not here, whats the problem" and the best of the best "I don't think you love me the same"...yet he wouldn't try to understand WHY he doesn't feel as loved any more.

sandye21's picture

"Wow! My goodness, I had no chance from the beginning, did I?" When this revelation occurs to a SM, it is a sign that you are transitioning into a place of no return - a point where you start realizing this had absolutely nothing to do with you in the first place. Sort of like getting rear-ended on the freeway. Your next step is to see a good counselor to help repair the damage and rebuild you into the same model you were before marriage. Then you will set limits with skids and DH so that you live in an environment of mutual respect - and nothing short of it.

If you try to find the reason why people treat others badly for no good reason, take a look at history. Several events have happened that we STILL shake our heads and wonder why. If your DH is telling you that you did nothing to upset his kids, it's probably true. You married DH assuming you were a team. Your DH has failed both you AND his kids by not doing so. He needs to take on the responsibility for insisting that the skids respect you as his wife. Whether my DH takes up for me or not is his choice. This is why SD is presently not allowed to set her foot on our doorstep.

callmedone's picture

You're taking their feelings toward you and their treatment of you much too personally. ANYONE in your position, married to their dad, would be perceived as a threat to them. Someone in the thread mentioned that the SKs resent you and dislike you because you're standing in the way of them getting what they believe to be their rightful attention and money. And it really IS that simple. In their twisted thinking, your very existence in their DDs life is reason enough to hate you.

Trust me one day your DH will regret allowing his kids to treat you so horribly. Because his allowing it will also cause him to lose respect in his kid's eyes, as well as, the respect you had for him. Men of integrity who are emotionally stable refuse to allow their children to show rudeness to anyone, much less their wives. It's all around bad parenting and produces adult children who end up self-focused and entitled.

Resentment is miserable hard to move on from when the circumstances are still on-going. I'm thinking it would be easier when husbands protect their wives and marriages against all outside negativity.. no matter where it's coming from, even their children. Unfortunately, this has not been my experience either.

Kes's picture

The reason kids hate their SM? you need to read the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin, that will explain it. In a nutshell, a step parent only has a decent chance to form a functional relationship with their step children IF the bio parents permit it and have a generally positive attitude, or at the very least a non hostile attitude.

In the case of my steps, their mother taught them to hate me before I'd met any of them.

bearcub25's picture

yet he is ok with allowing his now grown up kids to be so rude to me in my own home.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is where you need to make a stand. He needs to know that if the skids are coming to your home, then you will not be there, or hide out in your room and binge watch shows or read. You do not have to cook, shop, clean for his kids to come to your house. In my world, I ignore the older SS' and it gives me a power and they are not comfortable. If OSS24 stops by, I do not go out and 'visit', I don't change my plans. If SSstb18 comes for the nite, I do not interact at all with him.

You have to change your behavior and then the feelings may start to fade. Basically, take back your control.

ESMOD's picture

In the end, we can't control how people speak to us or treat us... only our reaction. I can choose to not care about someone's words when I don't care about them. That's for the evil stepkids.

For your husband, in the end, we have to ask ourselves this central question. Do we feel that at the most basic level that our SO's love us. If the answer is yes, then how do we reconcile their apparent blindness or inaction when faced with instances that in our eyes are clearly meant to hurt or trivialize us? I think the first step is to understand that our SO's intention is not to hurt us. The second is to absolve them of the absolute responsibility for their children's actions. The third is to forgive them the fact that for most parents, there will be an unconditional love and desire to have a relationship with their children. This desire will most likely be there whether they are nice to their new wife or not. The reasons why the kids may be acting out are varied and to a certain extent, many parents feel a guilt over their part in the dissolution of their first family. So, if your husband is compartmentalizing his family contact in a way that you no longer are being subjected to their actions.. then he may be doing the best he can with a bad situation.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

ESMOD, you nailed it. I know that, regardless of how crappy the skids are, they are still his kids/skids whom he raised and his love for them is unconditional.

marblefawn's picture

Your story is soooo similar to mine. I totally get it - you finally get so fed up trying that you just wash your hands of them and then you're miserable for a whole other reason. I despise that my husband could even want to spend time with someone who has treated me so badly for no reason. He concedes she is the problem, but does nothing about it and that feels like betrayal. One of the worst incidents was three of us in a car with her screaming horrible things at me and him doing NOTHING. How could he let his child (albeit, 23 years at the time) talk to me like that? I would never allow that if the tables were turned.
I disengaged a year ago. I went through all the emotions you expressed. But in the past several months, his seeing SD bothers me much less. My interest in what she's doing that might impact me is almost gone. I've gotten busy with projects and I'm happy to see him go - ironically, driving a few hours to see her seems to be catching up with him and his visits have gotten shorter. And then there's this plus: I don't have to see her, worry about seeing her, clean the house to see her, experience days of tension before seeing her, dread the holidays because I must see her, hyper-focus on the snide remark she made when I saw her, playing it over and over and hating that I didn't give it right back to her, and I don't have to be an unwilling audience for her one-woman show anymore - god I hated that!!! See what disengaging is giving me? I bet it's doing a lot more for you than you're realizing. Just remember how shitty you felt seeing his kids.
As for that lingering resentment that he didn't protect you, I have it too. It will always be there. But when you put your stepkids behind you for real, when you give disengagement more time and let it work its magic, you might be able to bury that resentment a little bit too. Right now you're raw and it's right at the surface. And look at it this way: there isn't a marriage out there that doesn't sting with resentment about something. His kids are yours. For others, it's an affair, physical abuse, the way he chews.
Clear your head about his little bastards. Get a grip. Don't let them ruin your days. You can do this. It's not really as simple as "just let it go," and yet when I finally did it, that's how it felt - like I was the one letting it go. Good luck need.my.normal. I really hope you find some relief. You deserve it.

need.my.normal.back's picture

Thank you.

"And then there's this plus: I don't have to see her, worry about seeing her, clean the house to see her, experience days of tension before seeing her, dread the holidays because I must see her, hyper-focus on the snide remark she made when I saw her, playing it over and over and hating that I didn't give it right back to her"

Oh, if only I can go back and tell anything back after SD throw "congrats Dad you married dumb bitch"...those girls are so mean, so young and so mean, makes you wonder how are they one day will be able to love there kids or there husband with so much darkness inside...

SugarSpice's picture

i am total faith in karma. the best part is when you get to watch it all unfold. the bad actions of the skids the mean remarks the greediness and spiteful actions all come back to haunt them.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

SugarSpice, I wish I had your faith in karma. It has yet to catch up with BioHo after all of the heinous BS she's pulled. Sad

SugarSpice's picture

sometimes karma takes time and some times you dont get to watch.

but make no mistake that it will happen. trust me in this. even if it looks like the bad people in your like are getting a good life there will be something happening to them. its the law of karma.

marblefawn's picture

I was always glad I didn't let my SD have it. While it would have felt so good at the time, I'd have given her legitimate reason to treat me badly. In spite of all the crap SD's pulled on me and thrown at me, I can always say I did my best with her, so if the relationship is bad, it's not my fault. I sometimes think of what I'd say to her if I just let loose. It's my Walter Mitty dream! When I'm diagnosed with terminal illness, I'm gonna say a lot of shit I've been holding back!

CANYOUHELP's picture

I think I will always resent it, because it is not natural for a husband to not protect his wife (when the wife has done nothing wrong, except try to aplease everybody). It is not what he promised me when we were married. He is not keeping his vows to me; for whatever reason or dysfunction he lives.

It weakens the marriage, even if every other aspect of the marriage is fabulous, and, it can be. For me, I had to learn to protect myself and not expect my husband to help me; I had to learn it was not me, it was him (not even the step mess really); because he allowed his adult children to act the way they do to me by saying nothing and correcting nothing. He created and supported the entire problem.

Sometimes I would like to blame the step adults, but logically I know I owe their treatment of me--to him. With respect to being a husband to me, he has failed me with regards to me and even his adult kids. We might have been a very functional family had he stopped letting them wipe their feet all over us. But, he just does not have a desire to change.

I will always resent it, but I will NOT be ever around it again. The less I am around it, the less resentment I feel over time, but I doubt my resentment of my husband will ever completely go away.

That is the only way I believe I can minimize my resentment. I protect myself with respect to them and I accept this as the dark part of my marriage which I am not able to fix. I stop trying, caring or giving any emotion to any of them. I stay away from the problem at all cost.

SugarSpice's picture

you put this so well, canyouhelp. all of the treatment we get at hands of the skids can be blamed on our own husband.

i still resent my dh and i always will. the skids are grown but the dynamic is still the same. when ever they are around he gushes at them like they are rock stars and throws himself at their feet.

disengaging has helped so much and i just watch the mess from afar.

enuf's picture

Oh my gosh canyouhelp you are absolutely correct. Even though I am now divorced from my ex, I really resented that he did not stand up for me and let his ds walk all over me without correcting his behavior. I never expected my ex to be that way considering he was an officer in the navy for quite a long time and had a position of authority at a major university, and yet when it came to his ds he was a complete woose, a man with a tail between his legs. He refuse to correct his ds behavior, and he should have because his ds was challenging his authority by being insulting to me, my dh's wife, in our own home. My ss, in essence, was playing a game similar to "king of the hill" and my ex clearly lost by a long shot by letting his ds be cruel to me in our home. What was worse is that my ss was an alcoholic who never even completed High school and yet my ex would expose his belly and bow down to his ds. I lost so much respect for my ex during this time as I saw him as a coward. To this day I actually hate my ss and I feel such resentment towards my ex for letting ss treat me in such a disrespectful way. What was worse, if I had confronted my ss, my ex always threaten divorce me, and would have a complete meltdown if I even complained about his ds. It was disfunction at its worse.

I am so glad to finally be at a point that I am so glad to be out of that situation. When I think about it, it makes my stomach turn that I tolerated it for so long, and for what?

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

OP - Great Topic and I have thought about this several times because I still am peeved that I had to go through so much h*ll when some back up by DH would have helped me. I ended up throwing him out once, and then we ended up moving 1/2 way across the country to be away from his daughter.

She still calls him and leaves messages, has problems so he should call her, wants to come visit (and I say NO every time). I am irritated now that he just doesn't tell her to get lost and I still can't believe he believes some of the lies and stories she tells him. My husband is not gullible yet he will sometimes believe the stuff she makes up to try for sympathy. All I can say is I thank The Lord each day that we moved away from her.

sandye21's picture

SDM, Our DHs are now living with the consequences THEY created. In marriage vows for most religions of the world both partners promise to cherish and be faithful to one another. Webster's dictionary defines 'faithful' as: 1 : steadfast in affection or allegiance : loyal a faithful friend. 2 : firm in adherence to promises or in observance of duty : conscientious a faithful employee 3 : given with strong assurance : binding a faithful promise. What many SMs wind up with is a one-sided commitment while DH takes his time to decide which he values more - his wife or his children. What a horrible decision to make. Like you it floors me that an intelligent man can be so stupid. In most cases, if they had taken their marriage vows seriously in the first place, they would have realized it is not a competition. Being a faithful partner and being a faithful parent are two completely different things but many DHs seem to confuse the two, placing them into the same group.

Like you, I am also left with the feeling that if DH would have at least demonstrated to SD that he was committed to be a good husband as well as a good Father it would helped me. This would have been no guarantee of a good relationship between SD and myself, but it would have made a world of difference in our marriage. I respect the fact that DH has the right to see his Daughter, but I truly believe the way he handled the whole situation actually created more heartache than help.

Catsmom10's picture

"My husband is not gullible yet he will sometimes believe the stuff she makes up to try for sympathy". LOL. I was having a discussion with a friend of mine. She's dating a very intelligent man, who is so freaking DUMB when it comes to his grand daughter. He has literally said word for word the same things my boyfriend has said about his own daughter...things like, "Oh, she didn't steal that money out of my house...it had to have been her FRIEND who did it..." etc, etc. LOL. How can otherwise such intelligent men be so dumb. Oh well, like I always said, No one is blinder than he who will not see.

Time...a LOT of time...makes it easier...but things are never the same. Currently my boyfriend and I are on a very pleasant hiatus from his adult kids. They're "punishing" him by not speaking to him. It's wonderful. I'm disengaged anyway...so even if they decide to reappear, I want nothing to do with them.

But, another thing I always say...you can sew it up...but you still see the tear. I'll never forget...but time helps.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Catmom sez: "But, another thing I always say...you can sew it up...but you still see the tear. I'll never forget...but time helps."

How well put. While I might forgive, I can't forget what I went through. I, an intelligent woman, almost fell for the ole saw that I didn't understand what Twit meant, she didn't mean it, she wouldn't do that, etc.

Now I know that he knew that she could be like that and expected me to let her abuse me because, as he said, I was a strong person and I could handle it and let it roll off. Umm, when the carp keeps coming like rain, you can't hide from it.

What really peeves me is that now I am so much farther from my own DD that I have to wait till Christmas when they all come down. Use to be I could go by her and we could go shopping in downtown Chicago, look at the windows, go uptown, now, thanks to Twit, we don't get to spend that time together. Makes me very sad at this time of year.

Catsmom10's picture

Awwwe...I understand about not seeing your daughter quite as much. My son is 22, extremely independent, great job going on 3 years, educated, and a really great "kid" currently lives 45 mns away. He's my only family. My boyfriend desperately wants to leave the area to get away from his brood of losers. I told him it's unfair to me to have to see my son less because his kids are idiots. I'm just not ready to do it yet. It's not fair. Thankfully his kids want nothing to do with us and leave us alone but it still stinks living so close to them and their drunk mother.