winder29's picture

Unbelievably? spoiled 10 year old stepson

The way it seems to go is, if we walk into *any* shop, he will wander around until he randomly decides he has to get something. Mother says no but he somehow forces the issue and gets the thing pretty much every time. Go to another shop - rinse and repeat.
My instinct is to bin whatever it is immediately as an example but overruled.
I have pretty much no say over anything in these situations and money is pretty tight at the moment.
Does this seem like reasonable behaviour?

twoviewpoints's picture

On the child's part? Sure. On

On the child's part? Sure. On the parent's part? She's trained the kid to get what he wants, when he wants and it's the mother who must put a stop to it. Or not.

You intervene and you are the mean *ss evil old stepfather. Kid will just whine and nag Mommy until Mommy overrules the nasty old stepfather.

Your best hope is to get through to your wife/SO that what she is doing is not being kind to the kid... she's giving in and not parenting and teaching the child the ways of real life. When this child gets older he will honestly believe he should get and do what he pleases and that he is much more 'special' than anyone else. Not a good trait to carry around. It will cause troubles in his marriage and his work life.

StepRightOff's picture

Everybody comes here blaming

Everybody comes here blaming and complaining about the kids. Freaking open your eyes.

twoviewpoints's picture

I think it boils down to the

I think it boils down to the newbies do not want to believe their beloved GF/BF/SO/DW/DH has faults and created the 'problem child'.

Rose colored glasses that their chosen mate (or potential mate) is wonderful and perfect. No way could it possibly be the mother's or the father's parenting and rearing of the kid prior to and during the new relationship fault, right?!!?!?

How many times have *we* read 'she's a great mother/father'? Or "I've met the best lady/man in the world and everybody would be absolutely perfect if not for that kid/s'?

StepRightOff's picture

Yesterday, I read a lady say

Yesterday, I read a lady say "we're so good together" just after saying her fiance told her to back off his extremely disrespectful daughter. So I see what you mean.

Kids don't raise themselves, not unless the parents are stupid. Why can't a person who says "I have pretty much no say over anything in these situations" see that it wasn't the kid who overruled and silenced him and kid has no control because his stupid mother doesn't have any?

Thanks for explaining for me. But I'm never going to understand this phenonmenon of rose colored glasses on steroids Puzzled Puzzled Puzzled Smiling.

hereiam's picture

Reasonable behavior by your

Reasonable behavior by your wife or the child?

The kid does not take no for an answer and does not mind his mother.

The mother gives in to the kid and allows this behavior.

If money is tight, you are going to have to put your foot down with your wife, who is going to have to put her foot down with her son.

Goodluck's picture

Tell her to use her child

Tell her to use her child support debit card. Eye-wink

The second type of triangulation is a cross-generational coalition in which one parent forms a coalition with the child against the other parent. This is the type of triangulation involved in the pathology traditionally called “parental alienation”.

winder29's picture

He was raised by his

He was raised by his grandparents until the past couple of weeks due to immigration issues.
She's pregnant so hormones could be playing a part and I can't press the issue.

Every night lights have to be left on and our bedroom door has to be open - not my preferred way to sleep. If I shut the door or turn off the light they'll magically go back to how he left them 20 seconds later. Another sign I'm evil by turning off the lights etc...
If I bring it up with her, as with the shop pandering, she makes something of a scene which probably isn't good for the kid - threatens divorce or that she'll go sleep in his room or wander the streets.
If I said something to him it would make me look pretty bad in his eyes and she basically panders to his every whim.
I end up going downstairs until he falls asleep. This time he has to shut downstairs doors too...

StepRightOff's picture

So get her some parenting

So get her some parenting classes. And the next time she threatens to leave, tell her goodbye so you can stop blaming that kid for her inability to parent him and your inability to stand up to your wife.

twoviewpoints's picture

So you're saying the child

So you're saying the child has been raised for ten years (or at least last few?) by his grandparents and you've only had him in your home for a few weeks? Meaning him and you are basically brand new to each other or at least in a 24/7 day in day out living environment experience?

If you've brought the child into a new home with a new man, child was raised having things totally different than how new man believe things should be , you can pretty well expect it is going to take time for adjustments.

Put yourself back to the age of this child and try to view things as he is viewing them. Suddenly living in new home where nothing is the same as it was for you just a few weeks ago.

One day at a time. One thing at a time. You certainly can't simply reprogram the kid as if he were a robot and have him be all to your tune instantly.

Is this your first time living with a child as an adult?

winder29's picture

He actually used to sleep

He actually used to sleep next to his grandmother. My thinking was that it would be kinder to take away the control / responsibility he seems to think he has at night but my wife isn't so good at consistency in this situation. It's possible that I had a stricter upbringing than I maybe realise.
We lived together in their home country a few years back.