What went wrong is that you and your SO deciding you were going to get married is a big issue for her. You are now permanent competition for her father's affections. You're getting married, so you are not going away. Also, she doesn't seem to think she has to work for the things she wants and you now stand in between her and the house she thought was rightfully hers. And you're only 8 years older than her so she has to wait a long time to get the house. She is doing the math, believe me.

Additionally, your fiance is telling his daughter that if she wants something she should go work for it, so no money for her wedding. Good for him.

When I married my DH, I was 39, he was 50, and his oldest daughter was 10 years younger than me. Similar ages to your situation. When we were dating my OSD told her dad how happy she was that he was happy. That lasted until we got engaged. She told him it was too soon (because she had been dating her boyfriend for 5 years and no ring). The night before we got married, people were going around the room giving us toasts and well wishes. She, in front of everyone, said "now I can't go to my dad's house whenever I want anymore (DH sold his home and moved into mine)!!" OSD, like your fiance's daughter, became more focused on what she was losing than gaining a stepmother.

Don't expect to be able to rationalize with her. I initially thought that my OSD would be happy that her father was not alone. No, she is, even after 14 years, only concerned about herself.

So a few things about your fiance. It's good that he tells his DD that certain things are none of her business, and to get a job if she wants money. But, him expecting things to "just blow over" is a mistake. These things will NOT just blow over, and this is something that many of us SM's of adult skids have had to deal with. Dad is afraid to show his child how important the SM is because the child, even as an adult, will be upset. Dad thinks that his child will eventually adjust and everything will be ok. He will need to tell his child that she is his child, not his wife, he has the right to have a wife and that wife is you, and he expects her to treat you with respect. So many fathers try to appease both parties and it does not work. My DH later told me after some particularly difficult episodes with his DD that he thought if he treated everyone the same, everything would work out. Well, OSD doesn't want another woman being treated as her equal. And I as his wife don't expect to be treated the same as a DD who has been an adult for decades.

As for you, you need to lower your expectations for her. She may come around and she may not. Regardless, you are marrying your fiance, not his adult daughter. I have absolutely no relationship with my middle-aged OSD after years of trying to build a relationship. I no longer care. She is an adult, not a child on a visitation plan to dad's house. You do not need a relationship with her. You should not put yourself in the line of her discontent. Whatever issues she has is between her father and herself.

Oh, and I left this out. I suspect the reason she was pushing for you to have a formal wedding because she thought it gave her leverage. "Dad, you and newlyengaged are having a wedding and you have been married before. I can't believe you won't pay for my wedding.!!!"

Guilt her dad to get what she wants.

Hate to tell you this, but this is basically the advice that SMs have been given for the last 100 years, or ever since there has been SMs. Even some co-called professional counselors still expect SMs to fall for this: "He told me to just back off from her to let her go through her motions and it'll all blow over." Meanwhile, everyone hopes that SM doesn't catch on so quickly to the fact that it rarely all blows over and that they are basically telling SM to put up with being treated like crap because adult SK doesn't know how to be an adult. Just like you said.

It hurts more than most can imagine when you are married or with your SO, your DH is an adult, and all of his children are adults, yet, YOU!, yes YOU! are the one who is supposed to suck it up and take it and take the high road every time. Some would argue, but I don't think your minimal age difference with his daughter should have much bearing. You are his soon-to-be wife and his adult child is still his child. Fortunately for you, it sounds like he intends to treat you like the wife you are and treat his child like the child she is. Where your DH is most mistaken, tho., is in assuming it will all blow over.

SD has issues. At age 29 she is still very much the adultolescent. She should be moving forward into adulthood and not backwards. And, it sounds like both your weddings may be going on about the same time. Big Fat Yuck! is all I can say. Weddings have a way of bringing out the worst. You also mentioned, "She barely acknowledges my kids any more and she pretends I'm not in the room with her." Well, my my. The 29-year-old adult SK is trying to disengage. Good luck to her. Disengagement can work for SMs because they are their husband's wife and DHs are planning on being with them 24/7. Adult SKs, on the other hand, are supposed to disengage from their own parents and go on to live their own lives. If she is getting married soon, hopefully she'll be flying away ASAP.

I rarely advise this, but given that SD will soon be out of your home and with two weddings going on, in this case, I kind'a agree with your husband in the sense that you should be lying low. Stay out of her wedding as much as possible. Mark the date on the calendar and that's it. Even see if you can come up with an excuse to avoid it. Danger, danger, Will Robinson! Focus 99.9% on your own wedding and make it work for you and your DH. IF, you decide you want to be DH's wife. I'd give up on being SD's buddy, that's for sure. That is a myth that rarely works out, and never forget that blood is thicker than water. Let SD go off and live her own life and let your DH deal with her as much as possible. You need to focus on your new life with DH because he is the one you are exchanging vows with and not adult SD.

As was suggested.. go through this forum and read read read. I'd postpone your marriage until you feel completely comfortable with the situation and you're not sensing any red flags on the landscape. If that never happens, then hopefully you've dodged a bullet. Adult SDs and BMs bond.. nothing on earth draws them as close together as sharing a "common enemy". All the while making your life a holy hell. If you're not 100% your boyfriend's first priority and he's not willing to man up and put these people in their place you and your relationship with him will not stand a chance. Your intuition is telling you something. Listen to it.

You have received some excellent advice here; I couldn't explain it any clearer.

Go with your gut feeling and the facts.

I sense you already have all the answers and are hurt for the treatment you are receiving. I am sorry; because like most of us here, you have tried, are a good person, and have sincerely opened your heart to this woman.

You are not alone, if that's any support.

I totally disengaged from my adult SD; it is her loss and she doesn't exist in my life and has not for almost 8 years.

(((hugs)))

A year and a half ago me and my son's moved in with my boyfriend and his adult daughter.

That is one sentence I have never said and will never say. A 29 year old still living with her dad is a huge red flag. Has she ever been on her own?

I sincerely hope things change once she gets married and moves out, but...

Oh. About that confusion you're experiencing. That is a huge indicator that stuff is going on behind the scenes and behind your back. Also a pretty reliable indicator you've become the target. The SDs change in attitude and behavior toward you most likely has nothing whatsoever with anything you've done or not done. My guess is the scheming and influence is coming straight from that overly friendly BM. Been there. 53 yrs. been there. "Confusion" is the mother of red flags in my experience.

And I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear. Realize it's hard. But you need to know that if you end up in a position to be tormented and harassed by these people.. it will also affect your sons. I don't have to tell you that whatever decision you make you're making it for your children as well.

Not to alarm you, but are you even sure that she will move out after her wedding? If she doesn't have a job, is there a chance her husband will move in with you? Does he have a job?

The way you describe her, I have a feeling she might have a Borderline personality disorder: Can't keep a job, nothing is ever her fault, she thinks others are jealous of her, she loved you but now she hates you... People who suffer from that are very difficult to live with, and usually give hell to their parents until they die, unless the parents disengage.

The fact that the BM and her husband mentionned how she can't keep a job and lives with you, means to me that they have had issues with that, and they now refuse to enable her (which is why her dad is the one to take care of her).

Before DH and I got married I had no idea I was going to have problems with SD - or a gutless DH who would not have my back. You are lucky. You are seeing this before you get married. It appears your DH is strong enough to tell her that he is not going to be an ATM - that's a 'biggie'.

What your SD is doing is typical. My DH could not even wish me a Happy Birthday without SD getting mad at me about it. Your SD is blaming you for things you have nothing to do with and using you as a scapegoat. I can tell you from experience, it is NOT going to "Blow Over". DH is sacrificing your dignity as a human being because it is easier to just throw you under the bus instead of straightening out SD. You need to nip this in the bud NOW. Set limits. Let DH know this is not acceptable behavior and you refuse to live in a hostile atmosphere. You are as worthy of tolerance and a hospitable environment as SD is.

The advantage that you have that many of us did not is that now you know what your sd will be like and how your dh will run away from any confrontation with his dd. Many of us were blindsided by Skids and Dh behavior that escalated once we got married. In most cases it is due to a feeling of possession that sk's have about their df's money, time and affection. All this stuff makes dh feel important when they see that their skid is vying for attention and competing with sm for it. His ego is being stroked and due to the way their skids childhood was dealt with, especially with the divorce, it gives affirmation that df was not that bad of a parent if his skid is going through so much trouble to be with df. What dh does not understand is that their skid is competing with sm for all the wrong reasons, such as greed and because their self esteem is so bad that they cannot stand being independent of df. You would think that dh would be able to see right through that, however due to guilt refuses too, and has to come across of their skid's hero at sm's expense.

So you get ignored, diminished , slighted all while the skid is smirking while this is going on and then you get told by dh to basically grow up and act like an adult while he continues to coddle his skid and treat them like a child. Where is the justice in that! My advice stand your ground, do not let her treat you as if you are a piece of sh*t to your man, because if you do that is exactly what you will be and there will no way for you to swim out of that muck.

The fact is your fiancé did a terrible job of raising his daughter. He continues to spoil her and lets her get away with incredibly immature things......and saying that it’ll blow over is someone scared to actually treat her like an adult.

She’s waiting for her parents to die so she can get a free house. That tells you everything you need to know about this person.

This is not a situation that’s going to end well. So sorry.

SKs on a death watch are utterly disgusting. Our 50+ year marriage has been so long that SD and BM are seriously fretting over me inheriting everything so now they're trying to wring it out of us before DH dies. Given our ages, in our state that is viewed as financial exploitation. And DH knows beyond all doubt I will report them. For once the man is concerned about a confrontation with me.

NewlyEngaged, I know you suspect your SOs daughter might have some type of mental health issue going on. And that very well may be the case. However, aside from her behavior toward you.. would you be willing to deal with that for the long haul? People with mental illness are miserable hard on their families. Throwing that out here may not be politically correct, but it is a fact.

CALLMEDONE VERY INSIGHTFUL IN YOUR STATEMENT: Since the daughter has already mentioned something about her getting the house I'm guessing she and BM have already run the numbers on what this marriage might (potentially) cost them in the long run and they're both feeling threatened by the loss of power for BM and loss of financial support/handouts and future inheritance for SD.

That is what happened in my situation. When my ex found out that his ds was a full blown alcoholic living in a place where it took my ex and bm 12 very large construction garbage bags to clean out their ds one bedroom apartment because he wa living in such filth, he even had the door to the refrigerator opened for who knows how long, weeks, and the toilet was such a mess and disqusting that bm had to go to a gas station to use the toilet. They cleaned his place once and then he trashed it again and they cleaned again. SS was in his late 40's when his parents were cleaning his apartment. He had even cut his seat belts to his car off and told his df that he had hit some parked cars but left the scene.

My ex, over the phone, made the mistake of telling bm that he was changing his Will and was no longer leaving his ds all of his money because he was an alcoholic. Right away ss checks into rehab, and after rehab moves about 3 minutes from us and starts a campaign of needing to be with his df almost daily. My guess was because he want to show his df he was not drinking, at least not when he was with my ex, so that my ex would change his Will back. He also upped his very rude behavior towards me and of course my ex sided with his ds. I do not doubt it for a bit that bm coached her ds on what to do in order to get the Will changed back, which ex did and I got thrown out in the process.

Anyway newlyengaged, it sounds that is what sd is doing especially with the expense of the wedding and wanting her df to pay for it and not wanting to take care of herself like an adult should. She is now upping up the ante as she has a lot to lose, and I am sure she thinks that it is all your fault that her df is not coddling her like he once used too. You are now a threat to her finances and my guess is that her resentment and antics will increase. If your fiance does not stop her in her tracks, she will feel empowered to be even crueler to you and yours. My best advice is to play your cards so that your fiance really has to think about what he wants, a dd who acts like a parasite, or you. It is best you know now, instead of letting years go by with dh and sd treating you like you mean nothing, in the long run you will be saving yourself years of heartache and stress.

I wished I had really challenged my dh, instead of tolerating ss behavior for the sake of my dh. That was the biggest mistake that I made and it it had such a negative effect on my life and health.

"I have no clue what person waits for their parents to die and willingly admits it."

Oh this is extremely common expecially if there are any kind of assets to be had. I heard of a grandfather who had a classic car that all the gkids were eyeing and would openly say that they wanted it when he died. How in the world do you think that made him feel that these little vultures were just waiting for him to keel over so they could have his car?! When grandpa finally passed the car was willed to a charity }:)

I admire how Hugh Hefner handled his affairs w/his children and much younger 3rd wife Crystal. He publicly stated that she was not included in the will and would inherit none of his estate. Yay his kids are happy they get everything no fighting, no waiting for Crystal to keel over before they move in. Instead he bought her her own place that his children had no claim on and left her millions. Smart man.

Since we've gotten older and in light of the length of our marriage.. SD and BM literally have us feeling like we're under siege. They know I have a rock solid case to contest my DH's will if it ever came to that and they don't have a leg to stand on considering everything I've done for him and put up with over the years. My state is not a community property state so DH very well knows what HE stands to lose if I decide to blow up the whole marriage. I have a hell of a story to tell and he knows it. SD and SS are not apart of our lives and haven't been in years and years. So the past several years they've engaged in an all out war to get as much out of us as they possibly can BEFORE we die. It's pure hell living your life knowing these greedy money grubbing low-lifes are hovering over us just holding their breath waiting for one of us to die. OR grab what they can while they can. They've used and pulled others into their money grabbing campaign so we also have to fend off these crazy people as well. Living with my state's Adult Protective Service's number sitting by every telephone in the house was NOT how I planned on living the last act of my life. Actually, what they're doing to us, along with their multiple attempts at financial exploitation, is elder abuse and I know it. Took me years and years to finally get a clue. Thinking it is just now beginning to dawn on them I've changed. Radically changed in fact. For years they counted on me being too polite and too nice to defend against their ongoing abuse and harassment. But after a lifetime spent being used as their doormat, I'm become someone I hardly recognize these days. With nothing left to lose at this point.. I've truly become a hell on wheels warrior. Best incentive ever to take care of my health! enuf, we have very similar stories right down to the BM coaching/plotting/scheming behind the scenes.. and oh how I wish I could say more.

NewEngaged, never discount the financial factor. Nothing brings out the daughterly attention and love like money. I suspect the rapid fire changes in behavior you've observed has a lot to do with them suddenly understanding you are a threat to her status quo with her dad. And BM is most likely fully on board. You have the benefit of deciding if this is what you want. These people have shown you who they are. Believe them.