Step Father Away for Step Son's Birthday - is it a big deal?
I've been with my husband for 10 years. My son was 7 when we met. They have a good relationship and my husband and I have a daughter now too. An issue has come up and I'm just not sure how to feel about it.
My husband's sister bought tickets to see a band they both really like and see regularly. She didn't check first and the show is on my son's birthday. He'll be 17. My husband would be working until 8.30 if he didn't go to the show so wouldn't see my son much anyway so didn't worry too much about it.
I told my son the other day what had happened and said we'll go out at the weekend all together anyway and have a birthday breakfast on his birthday before husband goes. My son is actually quite upset about this. More than I thought he would be. He feels hurt that he won't see his step dad in the evening. He's pretty annoyed with the sister in law.
I mentioned this to my husband and he said maybe I'd made a big deal out of it and that's why he feels that way. I don't think I did although I agreed with my son that it was pretty bad of sister in law to not have checked first.
My husband still hasn't brought it up with my son and he can't see the problem really.
What do I do here? I don't want to be the one who keeps bringing it up and I feel so bad for my son. My son said he'll just have to accept it and move on!
I'd hate for my son to feel he's been left out, like he's not important. I think this whole thing could've been dealt with better. If my sister in law had checked first or if my husband had spoken to my son first and asked how he felt about it this could've been avoided.
Thanks
maybe he's just jealous that
maybe he's just jealous that he's not going to see a band on his birthday, but that stepdad is.
It's not sister in law's job to keep track of your son's special days. It's not fair for you to put the blame on her...your DH could just as easily have said Hey, that's my stepson's birthday... and yes, your son HAS been left out. He was not invited. This is a band your SIL and DH see regularly - it's THEIR thing. It's totally fine that your son wasn't invited... it wouldn't even BE an issue if it didn't happen to fall on the birthday itself.
No, it's not a big deal. Celebrate on the weekend. My youngest (just turned 12 on Monday) makes less of a big deal about her birthday - she was at her dad's... so I called her. We will celebrate on the weekend.
I guess it's time your son
I guess it's time your son learned that the world doesn't revolve around him.
Your SIL did not do this on purpose or out of spite. She got tickets for a band that her and her brother enjoy seeing together. She's supposed to check with your son first if it's okay? Your husband was also supposed to check with your son?
Your husband doesn't see a problem with it, you admit that he would barely see your son on his birthday, anyway, due to working, and you are all going to have a birthday breakfast for your son. Seriously, what's the problem?
My son said he'll just have to accept it and move on!
See, ^^^ he does get it. It sounds like you are the one making it an issue.
This is a difficult one. If I
This is a difficult one. If I had a good relationship with my stepson and I did this to my husband/ his son then I would be sleeping on the couch. I have a terrible relationship with my step son and I still wouldn't do this to be honest. I know exactly when Chucky's birthday is and I never insult him or my husband by having made plans elsewhere on the child's birthday. I still arrange his birthday presents and birthday outings. It's a sign of respect to my husband to be honest.
Many will defend your husband, I most definitely won't.
That is how I was feeling
That is how I was feeling Monchichi. I wouldn't do it personally. I feel it's rude, even if I would be working until 8.30pm. I think my husband feels as his step son is older, it shouldn't really be such a big deal especially as we're celebrating at the weekend. However, if it was our daughter, I know he wouldn't do this but is it unfair to compare the two children that way? Probably.
Reverse the scenario. What if
Reverse the scenario. What if it were your husbands birthday and your son made himself absent or didn't believe the actual day was important enough and it could be celebrated later. Would it upset you husband?
I don't think he'd be too
I don't think he'd be too bothered really, he would be happy that my son was going out more and if we celebrated at the weekend it wouldn't matter too much. However if I made plans on husband's birthday I think he'd feel pretty upset.
I thought maybe I was making
I thought maybe I was making it a big issue and I needed a reality check! I mean, it would be different if it was my son's 18th. I think the issue is that SIL is doing this a lot lately, booking things without checking the dates first. My husband is having to reschedule commitments and lose money each time things are booked during the week. That's his issue though. If he doesn't tell her it'll keep happening. Not my problem.
Thanks for the replies. I feel like I've seen sense now!
mwhahahahaha typical 17 year
mwhahahahaha typical 17 year old behavior......
belief me they do not want to be with adults on a birthday party at this age, so he's simply playing you about feeling bad... give it a day and you will know what he wants, cause SF can not be at his party.... can't belief you are actually falling for this, but then again, so did I..
I agree your SIL has nothing to do with this, your DH could've said, nope SIL already have a commitment... end of it
That's exactly how I would've
That's exactly how I would've played it at his age but he isn't really like that, he's very sensitive and quite young for his age. I think he's genuinely quite annoyed that my husband won't be here.
Glitzy - yes he is... kids
Glitzy - yes he is... kids just got more clever then us due to social media lol,
simply tell DS, 17 is nothing, you have the right to be pissed off on your 21st... 18 is also nothing in my view...
I would've been having a ball living in the 1800's .... cause suddenly this thing about wow you are 13, sweet 16, 18 big birthdays is totally bullshit... 21 and alive.. yea then we can celebrate
I will tell him that. Maybe
I will tell him that. Maybe there's something in the comment about ' the world revolving around him' I mean he's already annoyed that my mother isn't getting him a car for his birthday because she now wants him to pass his test before having a car. I'd have done anything to have got a car for my birthday!
But when I look at the situation from another point of view, if I'd made plans on my husband's birthday, I think my husband would be pretty upset about that.
wow what... why should your
wow what... why should your mother get him a car for his birthday??
sorry Glitzy but now I'm thinking your son is a brat.... and yes he thinks the world revolves around him... he needs to come back to earth, now I know why your husband would rather spend time away from BS then with him,
It sounds like your son is
It sounds like your son is really worried about what other people should be doing for him instead of being worried about keeping himself in line.
The last thing I wanted to do
The last thing I wanted to do was hang out with my parents on my 17th much less my step dad. Things happen and people make other plans, you kid needs to get over it.
I missed seeing my skids on their actual bday last year and they are both still alive.
This is a son problem not a
This is a son problem not a stepdad problem.
At some point kids learn the world doesn't revolve around them (as has been already said). Dang.. my own mother didn't call me on my 18th birthday. I got over it. I am lucky if someone remembers it now.
TBH, your son sounds a bit spoiled and has an entitled attitude. Maybe he should go to a soup kitchen and serve dinner to people who have real problems to put his own life in perspective?
Ok my husband has just spoken
Ok my husband has just spoken with him. My husband can't believe I'm worrying so much about this. I just thought it was kind of rude for SIL to book without checking. My son isn't making a huge scene about it but he expressed to me he was upset by her actions and I think I got quite defensive. My husband has reassured him we'll have a great weekend and said not to worry.
I think the soup kitchen is a really good idea actually! He would realise the world doesn't stop for birthdays and people have a lot worse things to worry about than this. I admit I probably made it worse by openly expressing my views on SIL to my son and showing how worked up I was about it.
I've made plans for myself on
I've made plans for myself on my own daughter's birthday. We talked about it first, decided on another day to celebrate, and life went on just fine. The specific day doesn't require a celebration - a birthday is a way to remember to celebrate the person. And it sounds like you've got other alternatives so it's not like your son is being ignored.
Flexibility is a cornerstone
Flexibility is a cornerstone of good mental health and success in life. it's okay to celebrate any occasion on another day. We almost never celebrate b-days, xmas, or thanksgiving on the actual day. Frequently we celebrate the same thing twice because only half of the people could make it the first time.