I don't know if the frustration will ever stop
So yet again, SS called BM last Thursday and she promised him she would see if he could go visit his Aunt. In typical BM fashion, we have not heard a lick out of her and it's been a week.
Meanwhile, she posts all over Facebook inspirational quotes about "living slowly" and "doing the best you can with each day" and "staying positive" as well as advertising when she'll be working at the bar she bartends at.
UGH. Meanwhile, it's been a tough week with SS who is coming to the realization that she's a big fat jerk and he's frustrated. It's been over 2 months and she's talked to him on the phone a total of 3 times. All the while posting selfie's and inspirational quotes.
I know I probably shouldn't look at her stupid page, but SS told me he wants to call her tonight and when we tried last night her phone number was no longer in service. She usually publically posts her new phone numbers when she gets them, which is how we find them.
What sucks, is that we have to watch this kid cry, almost nightly, cling to a thread of hope when she throws him a bone, put all his eggs into the "I'm going to see Mom this weekend" basket just to be disappointed and she goes on living her life. And we also have to deal with the awkward, and not uncomfortableness of trying to prevent him from convincing himself by reminding him that she rarely follows through on what she says she's going to do and trying to save him from believing with his whole heart that she's going to come through this week-because we know she's not.
I just don't understand how as a parent you don't feel like a colossal POS.
SO and I don't know what else to do. The counselor said be appropriately honest with him, but it feels like we're hurting him even when we are. In fact, when I vented about this last week, another poster said it comes off as "rubbing salt in the wound" and honestly that's exactly what it feels like. I can't figure out how to do both. How do I teach this kid how to set boundaries, not bank on her coming until she's here and not frustrate him at the same time?
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Hang in there! SD4 and SD8
Hang in there! SD4 and SD8 have talked to BM 3 times in 5 months, every time she needed to use them for something... It's rough! They go through so much whiplash and false hope! Mine are stil adjusting, catching on a little, but it's hard for a kid to realize mom doesn't actually want them as much as they think...
Also the last part, easy, she's probably a narcissist like ours. Their interest is only alliance with themselves and their image. Scientifically it's proven they can't exactly love someone as much as they grow dependent on someone doing something for themselves or their image... Which sucks for the kids.
His counselor recently told
His counselor recently told us that we need to stop leaving him in the dark. She would do this and we didn't say much and would just change the subject trying not to show him our frustration. SS told the counselor that he's confused and he worries about where she is and he's mad that we aren't making her come and get him.
So we have been reminding him and this happens, only to count on her visit once she's in the drive way and we've tried to help him identify the difference between when BM makes real plans that we know about and when she's just trying to get him off her back. We've talked to her about it, we've told we to stop, we've monitored phone calls and he gets frustrate with us when we do. We have set boundaries with BM and these antics because she will promise him and not ask us if we have anything going on fully expecting us to "hop to" because she says so. She then tells SS that we aren't allowing him to see her. BD had a specialist appointment last week-BM called and never mentioned anything to SO or I. SS was dead set on going to see his aunt (BM's sister) on Friday when BD had a doc appointment. I explained to him why this wasn't going to work, because BM hadn't told anyone but SS about it (including his Aunt) and BD had an important appointment. He ten got mad at me.
When SO for home he explained to SS that if he doesn't want to "be in the dark" with BM and her promises then he can't get mad at us when she isn't responsible or appropriately makin plans and he explained why it's unfair. I don't know how much SS understood this all feels over his head and I've left 3 VM's for his counselor this week.
Our BM tried to convince SD4
Our BM tried to convince SD4 it was us keeping them apart (after she called for the first time in two months, mostly just to try and get money from DH)... They do that... helps paint them as the hero so it doesn't knock down the image they want to have but aren't actually doing anythig to keep. It's a mess. And tragic.
Way to hold firm on monitoring when it comes to BM though. That's a big deal. Tbh I cringe anytime ours does show up (always to use he Skids) because idk what she's actually gonna do; SD8 normally talks to me now, but she's been punished by BM for talking about "their time" before. I.e. Learning SD8 had to take care of herself and that BM gave the Skids alcohol....
Alcohol at 8?!?!? I know the
Alcohol at 8?!?!?
I know the feeling, when she does come it's unsettling and almost downright sickening. She takes tons of pics with SS & siblings and then posts them on FB like she's supermom.
The worst part is that she gets SS's younger 1/2 siblings more often than SS because we live 30 minutes away. She left him with GBM and took the younger ones with her last summer and confused GBM. She then spent the weekend with the younger ones and left SS with GBM for the remainder of her visit with no explaination. SS got to see his siblings leve with her while he was left behind. GBM said that was all he talked about for the next 4 days.
SD8 told us... But both her
SD8 told us... But both her and SD4 were given it. It's downright disgusting.
Our BM does the Facebook thing too... it's nasty. And makes me roll my eyes hardcore. Her profile picture is her and the Skids according to MIl (I'm good at avoiding)... Funny how you only see them once every two months... if that...
I feel bad for your SS! That would feel like being targeted by her! Like somehow he's not good enough but the siblings are!
I think it's a real balancing
I think it's a real balancing act. My SD's mother was also pretty unreliable about promising things and then not following through. Eventually the girls figured it out and stopped believing in the pipedreams.
In your case it has to be more difficult because it appears that she can't even be bothered to see him. In our situation it was more like shopping sprees or vacations promised and never delivered.
Ugh that is really tough.
Ugh that is really tough. Maybe take the approach when he brings it up to say, “I really hope you do get to see your mom this weekend, but if plans fall through how about we go see the new ____ movie?” Maybe giving him a plan B that he can look forward to would soften the blow of getting stood up by his egg donor.
What did the counselor say
What did the counselor say about you having to search FB for BM's phone number? I'd ask what the counselor thinks of NOT looking for the phone number the next time it's disconnected and telling SS it is and leaving it at that. :?
I was thinking this. At what
I was thinking this. At what point are the kids better off without BM? It'd be a terrible blow, but the last one, to either write her off completely and/or offer her to sign away her parental rights.
I don't think we've brought
I don't think we've brought that up to the counselor its just par for the course, we had to do of when SS was living with BM. But I see what you're saying-why look for something that doesn't care if its found.
My bios haven't talked to
My bios haven't talked to their dad in over a year, his doing, not mine. It's always been like this. When he calls (or used to anyway) he would promise them he was coming to visit and that their *insert holiday* gifts (about the only time he would call) were in the mail. He would then VANISH off the face of the Earth. My boys used to get upset and not understand why he wasn't around. At the time I had no answers. Now, they are 13, and they are more in the know (my ex is an abuser and has been in and out of jail numerous times), and the boys are well aware of his behavior. Back in August, one of my boys told me, without any prompting, "Mom, if my dad died I probably wouldn't even cry because I don't even know him; DH's Name is our dad." I didn't know what to say. I talk to them when needed and answer any and all questions they have HONESTLY. I don't sugar coat anything for them. Maybe I'm wrong for that, but that's what works for me. NOTE: I do NOT bash him to the kids. I will give them the honest answers or facts to whatever they want to know.
My 13 year old son said the
My 13 year old son said the same thing about his dad that he has not seen in 5 years.
The last time my ex saw my
The last time my ex saw my kids was last Thanksgiving. He's only seen them a hand full of times the past 5 years. He also loves to make promises that he never keeps. The sad thing is my DS16 really still looks up to his dad but he's accepted the way he is.
Right now my ex has made promises to DS16 that he's going to send him a plane ticket for Thanksgiving. Just him though, not DD5. My DD19 has a different nonexistent father so no sweat there. He was supposedly emailing the iternary a few days ago. Surprise, surprise...nothing.
How sad for SS that is mom
How sad for SS that is mom treats him this way.
Is there an equine therapy program near you? Or could he have a dog of his own for a therapy companion? Someone that would give him that unconditional love that his mom does not give him? Another poster here had an emotional support dog named Bear I think for her son. The SD was allergic to the dog so they had a family member keep it I think. Not sure what happened.
Perhaps having a dog of his own that he can bond with and care for will help him.
It sounds like it is time to require supervised visits only for BM. Even if it is Aunt, or GBM that are the ones supervising. Seems they do so now anyway.
Poor kid is going to be messed up for life. Get him help now so he can overcome this rather than use it for a lifelong excuse.
Get him involved in some positive encouraging activities and groups. Maybe Karate or something he is interested in.
It is good you are there for him.