Paintcrisis's picture

The lesser of 2 evils

STBX moved out on Friday. I held my breath so much, i’m permanently blue in the face. There was no show-down, no anger, no begging. There was, however, great guilt trips. And I felt guilty, because that’s my nature but it didn’t change anything. H said ‘I will miss seeing Mr Toddler every day’. Which was interesting because he hasn’t made an effort to see him during his wake hours. Sooo. . .

A former Stalker reminded me of her situation and my mother said the same thing: at least you won’t see the skids anymore! They had been by the previous weekend and H and I had an awful row about stupid crap (not the skids or anything to do with them). I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with his anger on skid weekends anymore.

Which brings me to my decision. I continue to go back and forth on why. If I were to stay, my teen bios would see a relationship in which the H verbally abuses the W on a regular basis. Mr Toddler would see that as a role model to be a husband. After H started attacking my bios with threats of ‘beating the shit out of them’ for teen defiance (they have no respect for him after witnessing the horrible things he has said to me), I couldn’t waiver anymore.

But now I will have to deal with Mr Toddler putting up with H’s anger. I’m hoping with me not around, he won’t be quite so angry at his kids.

H asked to have our son this coming weekend, since it is skid weekend too. I said no. I am so afraid of his anger with his kids around. I actually had to take our son with to my job last skid weekend because H was so out of control angry.

I’m tempted not to start the divorce proceedings because in my state, whoever has the kid has custody. And the justice system here has made it perfectly clear that my concerns are not a concern because I chose not to call the cops all those times. I knew calling the cops would have escalated things the next time.

I know I sound like a horrible BM but many of you know my history with H. Yes, he’s the father of my child so if he was good enough to have a kid with, he’s good enough enough to have visitation with, right?

But one thing that makes me different is I DO hope he finds someone else. The early years were good. He was calmer once we started dating so I can only hope he would lose his rage with someone new, if only for a little while.

I don’t want to keep him from his son, I really don’t. But without the justice system on my side, I’m so afraid of his rage towards our son.

I feel like my choice is sacrificing my bios or our son, whichever way I choose, someone loses big-time.

witch.hazel's picture

"Yes, he’s the father of my

"Yes, he’s the father of my child so if he was good enough to have a kid with, he’s good enough enough to have visitation with, right?"

In most cases, yes- but not in abusive ones, such as yours. You made a mistake and entered a relationship with an abuser. They normally use tons of manipulative tactics to make that happen, and to get you to stay.
Just because you unfortunately were married to an abusive man and had a child with him does not make him a fit parent, and I'd be worried about leaving the baby alone with him as well. You've always been there to protect him. You don't know what happens once you're not. I'm sorry, not to be scary- just saying you are right.

Paintcrisis's picture

Boy was it a mistake.

Boy was it a mistake.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You need a lawyer to start

You need a lawyer to start guiding you through this process. Make appointments with the three best divorce lawyers in town and interview all of them. Most will do an initial appointment for free. Find one who has experience with abuse cases and with whom you feel comfortable. Do what you need to in order to get the money to get the best lawyer you can.

I feel like I have missed some of the blogs with your back story - so if I'm telling you something you already know, please forgive me.

Get your own cell phone plan so he can't see who you are calling. If you haven't already, take at least your share of money from joint accounts and open new accounts in a different bank. Close or remove your name from joint credit card accounts. Make sure all important papers like birth certificates and car titles are in a safe place.

Take care.

Paintcrisis's picture

Thanks for the advice, I

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate the response and you made some very good points.

It does sound like I’m flying blindly ahead. I didn’t mention that I’ve been to see lawyers last fall when I had an RO against him. After the judge dismissed it (even with my bio’s testimony), my lawyer and I realized what a tough situation we are in.

I’ve also been to our crisis center for some helpful info.

I won’t give up without a fight, just feeling down today with ex moving and my kids and I moving out this week. It hurts to leave our home.

My backstory blogs are no more. I’ve changed my name and deleted old profiles.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I remember you now. Although

I remember you now. Although you know you are doing the right thing, it is still difficult. I'm sorry you have to leave your home. Hang in there, it will take time, but it will get better! Sending you good thoughts.

Sweet T's picture

It's a hard thing for sure. I

It's a hard thing for sure. I stayed in for as long as I did because I didn't wants to be alone with ex while he slept on the couch. I have found that mine probably trips over his di%k trying to be a Disney dad to spite me now days. His abuse is only ever directed at me...well and the democrats as he is a tweeting machine with bad hair now days.

I would check out some good attorneys and get some legal advice. Give him a few weekends alone with the other kids and he may not be bugging you about visitation.

I hate the well you had a child with him business. Yes you had a child with a master manipulator.... so did I. That doesn't make them good dad's only liars. Hugs, you know I am just a few hours away and the Italian is still who I would bet on in a bar fight Smiling.

Paintcrisis's picture

I am comforted knowing you

I am comforted knowing you aren’t far away with your hubby. I know he could do a great intimidating stand if I needed it.

Your situation is what I hope mine will be some day. Happily moving forward, even though your ex is an a$$. You keep fighting for your bio. I can tell you are succeeding.