mom2182's picture

I just need a place to breath

I just need a place to breath. " a mom place" a place to call my own. I am not sure if that really exists, but oh how I dream of the day I find it. I take a shower and kids come in and out like I am not even in the shower. I am using the restroom and I have to reach out and open go gurt, cheese sticks or Gatorade bottles. my husband is on his computer in the kitchen playing games on his computer but the kids run to me. Even thought they have to run right past him. I lay down to take a short nap because I work crazy hours and the kids come in and want everything the minute my head hits the pillow. I work 60 plus hours a week. My phone is always blowing up from work and I have to answer it, its not an option. My husband wants to get mad and tell me to turn it off but its what pays the bills and puts a roof over our head. He isn't working so its not like I have the luxury of just quitting or getting fired because well if I did we would be homeless. I cant go to a store without a kid attached at my side or walk anywhere with out any of them saying where are you going what are you doing. washing laundry I get asked what am I doing. doing dishes I get asked what am I doing. I have been with my husband all together 8 years and married over two. I love the lil boogers and I love him. I just need a little me time here and there. he wonders why I don't dress up in dress clothes or do my hair or makeup anymore and why I am in yoga pants and t shirts all the time... well its because my ass got big from a sit down job. I don't have time to work out and the minute I am done working I have to start cooking and cleaning and running errands and paying bills. so I am going to get dressed up for all that.... the extra hour it would take to do so is the time I need to wash clothes or use the restroom. don't really have any extra time there buddo. If he wants me to look the part or be who I was when we first got together. then I am going to need him to be when we first got together. like have a job and play with the kids and help with the household duties just saying. its a two way street and I'm tired of the one way part. there are times he helps but its because he's hungry and needs a clean dish and gets frustrated and will help. how bought instead of playing on a computer you spend the hours a week I spend at work cleaning and cooking and taking care of kids and then we can both have some off time not just you with time off playing and stop making me feel like I am the nanny cook and moneymaker and chauffer all at once. that would be great.


advice.only2's picture

Are these your bio kids? If

Are these your bio kids? If he’s a stay at home dad he needs to be doing the stay at home work. Sounds like you need to sit down and come up with a “work” schedule with him.

mom2182's picture

no these are not my bio kids

no these are not my bio kids they are actually his kids that he had before we got together....

advice.only2's picture

Sorry it was confusing, you

Sorry it was confusing, you referred to kids, not stepkids. Either way you need to have a sit down, if he’s not working his focus needs to be on being the stay at home dad and fulfilling that role.

mom2182's picture

my apologies not meant to

my apologies not meant to confuse. I just have been used to calling them my kids forever since I have been around them since the youngest was 9 months old. I will make sure to address better in the future. this is my first couple hours on the site and I don't know all the terms and the do's and don't's. I just needed to vent like no other.

Valkyrie's picture

Oh hell no. What is this

Oh hell no. What is this thing we have where we feel responsible to do all the chores plus work and feel guilt the moment we want something for ourselves? How much more should we give? Agree, you need to sit down with your husband as he should be doing the house duties while he is not working. You should come home from work to a clean house and a cooked meal, yes he needs time during the day to look for work but he seems to have plenty of time to play games on the computer. Value yourself, you are a wonderful strong woman who puts everyone else ahead of herself and it is time someone thought about you for a change. It is okay to say "enough" and set the boundaries and you need to do this because you will eventually come to a point where you can't take anymore. I hope you find that quiet place just for you - you deserve it, hugs to you.

mom2182's picture

Thank you. Its hard to vent

Thank you. Its hard to vent because since we have been together so long we share most of the same friends. Even his friends are saying I need to say something. Every time I try and ask its a fight or that I am nagging and that if he wanted a mom he would of stayed at home at his moms house. Of course my reply is, if you did what needs to be done I wouldn't have to bring it to your attention. But when he needs something it needs to be right now.... I used to like norm in cheers when you walk into a room everyone shouted my name and was so happy to see me. I get that from his/my kids. his kids call me mom and I love it when they do. they light up my world. I always make sure when I have to say something to him its when they are not around because kids hear all. They don't have a good life at their moms house and all they hear is fighting and yelling and that's the last thing I want for them to have in their safe zone. I was so full of life and now I feel lifeless. Now everything I do is for the kiddos and plan outings for them and for them to have fun because they don't get it else ware. they don't get love and affection and security else ware. The two boys have disabilities and they take more time to learn and understand and its draining and all I need for my husband to do is handle the dinner while I calm a child from a melt down, or what might be happening at the moment. I guess at times I am afraid to broach the topic of stuff with him because he is bipolar and I am not sure what mood I am going to get at times. sometimes its a okay ill try mood or he wants to pack the kids up and leave mood. I feel like I am on a roller coaster and someone put it on auto sometimes.

wickedcool stepmum's picture

why isn't he doing the house

why isn't he doing the house and kid stuff? Why are you doing all of it? And why isn't he working. If he was commenting on my appearance I'd probably walk straight back out the door. I'm sure he's a freaking adonis.

He sounds awful... like beyond it. What holds you there?

Actually, awful is too kind. He sounds vile.

x

mom2182's picture

he is my husband and I do

he is my husband and I do love him. He does cut the grass, take out the trash and washes his own clothes. so that does help out. We live in the country and 2 acres of land is a descent amount to cut. he makes me laugh. he knows my favorite things to eat, drink, movies, clothes I like to wear. When he does have money he does help with bills when he can. yes he could do more and I had brought it up in the past because of the high blood pressure the doctor said I need to step back and he needs to help more. I guess with his dad just passing and his mom with breast cancer I am just trying to be understanding in it all. I know it seems like I am making excuses.

wickedcool stepmum's picture

but other than all that, he

but other than all that, he treats you like sh*t, is critical of your appearance and thinks he doesn't need to work while you do EVERYTHING.

I'm not trying to be horrible, but I left an abusive husband (and yes, he is slotting into that catagory) so I've lived it, hon.

I also went to the doctor and ended up on medication because of anxiety. Blood pressure issues are just as bad. How did he take the dr's advice?

PM me if you want - I'm in Australia but available Smiling

Acratopotes's picture

seriously - Hon, you are not

seriously - Hon, you are not their mother and their father is not working.

If you take a nap, tell the kids - I'm tired and I'm going to take a nap if you need anything ask Dad.. then lock your door, same if you go to the bathroom, lock the door, if they bang on it scream back - go and ask your Dad....

you keep on telling them go and ask your dad.... even if they ask him 100x before he does it, if he gets pissy with you smile and say...
Not my kids, not my responsibility., I'm the bread winner you are the stay at home parent, earn your keep

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

mom2182's picture

I love your reference to

I love your reference to being turned into a pirate. seems accurate. I think taking these steps in changing my actions and making him more responsible for his own kids will help him see what all I really do. because the less I do the more he will have to do. Its exhausting and overwhelming. but I need to take the steps and be responsible for my own outcome. changes wont happen unless I make them happen. Thank you

hereiam's picture

Your husband is not working,

Your husband is not working, why is he not cooking dinner, doing the laundry, and taking care of his own kids?

Why do you put up with this crap?

mom2182's picture

I have a lot of control

I have a lot of control issues where I like to have things done a certain way with laundry so I do my laundry and the kids and he does his own. he cuts the two acres of grass. yes there is so much more he could be doing I just need to sit down and have a talk again and stress the importance of this for our relationship.

secret's picture

Many of these are self-caused

Many of these are self-caused problems...you can easily fix them. Your husband is home, and perfectly capable of handling these things yous eem to be insisting on doing on your own.

I take a shower and kids come in and out like I am not even in the shower.

Then lock the door.

I am using the restroom and I have to reach out and open go gurt, cheese sticks or Gatorade bottles.
No, you don't HAVE to. Lock the door, and enjoy your few minutes of peace. They can certainly wait 2 minutes for a snack. If they can't, teach them to. The entitled need for instant gratification isn't a really great quality.

my husband is on his computer in the kitchen playing games on his computer but the kids run to me. Even thought they have to run right past him.

Then tell them you're busy, go see your dh.

I lay down to take a short nap because I work crazy hours and the kids come in and want everything the minute my head hits the pillow.

Then tell them to get out and go ask dh, lock your door, get earplugs, do whatever it takes for yiu to be undisturbed for that short nap.

I work 60 plus hours a week. My phone is always blowing up from work and I have to answer it, its not an option. My husband wants to get mad and tell me to turn it off but its what pays the bills and puts a roof over our head. He isn't working so its not like I have the luxury of just quitting or getting fired because well if I did we would be homeless.

He does know this, yes? You have told him? He does realize you don't need to work 60 hours a week AND deal with the kids at home especially if he's not working... right?

I cant go to a store without a kid attached at my side or walk anywhere with out any of them saying where are you going what are you doing.

Yes you can - you choose not to. Think about it... if the kid is coming with you, it's because you've let them.

washing laundry I get asked what am I doing. doing dishes I get asked what am I doing.

Pretty normal.... "What does it look like I'm doing?" seems to get my kids to have a "duh" moment and then leave me alone

I have been with my husband all together 8 years and married over two. I love the lil boogers and I love him. I just need a little me time here and there. he wonders why I don't dress up in dress clothes or do my hair or makeup anymore and why I am in yoga pants and t shirts all the time... well its because my ass got big from a sit down job. I don't have time to work out and the minute I am done working I have to start cooking and cleaning and running errands and paying bills. so I am going to get dressed up for all that.... the extra hour it would take to do so is the time I need to wash clothes or use the restroom. don't really have any extra time there buddo. If he wants me to look the part or be who I was when we first got together. then I am going to need him to be when we first got together. like have a job and play with the kids and help with the household duties just saying. its a two way street and I'm tired of the one way part. there are times he helps but its because he's hungry and needs a clean dish and gets frustrated and will help. how bought instead of playing on a computer you spend the hours a week I spend at work cleaning and cooking and taking care of kids and then we can both have some off time not just you with time off playing and stop making me feel like I am the nanny cook and moneymaker and chauffer all at once. that would be great.

All of this. He needs to own his part in this. It seems from your post that you're not really getting his help at all, he sounds like a lazy a$$, wants his cake and eat it too. If he wants his job to be a "househusband", then it better be clean and dinner better be on the table.

You DO have all that extra time, but you seem to be using it all up to be doing the household management things that HE should be doing, as a non-income-earning contributor of the household... his contribution IS running the household...

Stop running yourself ragged, and make your dh "work". If he's not gonna be bringing in the money, the LEAST he could do is keep the house clean and make the meals.

es stört mich nicht

mom2182's picture

I've always had issues as a

I've always had issues as a kid and till now with saying no and I was doing better and then I just stopped saying no, stopped fighting and just did. it was easier to just do than not do. yes a lot of this is my own doing but at the same time its his for taking advantage. we do love each other and he is my best friend its just hes oblivious to things at times until you bring it to his attention. you make valid points though and I need to take the first steps.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Lock the door!!! I seriously

Lock the door!!! I seriously escape to the bathroom sometimes just to get away. Or go on runs. I sometimes am awful at escaping... I have both the Skids clinging to legs all the time lol. But there comes a point you just gotta do you. I arranged my schedule differently too... I'm up at 3am now so I can get to the gym and enjoy the quiet before the Skids are up and the chaos begins. I'm not gonna say my situation is perfect by any means... But find your own time and hobby and then enforce it. Sick of the invasion when you're in a bathroom then you need to install locks and just refuse to respond when you're in there. You're dH is out there! The Skids will realize they need to go to him when you're in there after a while! Good luck!

mom2182's picture

Thank you. and I will def try

Thank you. and I will def try this. my step son is autistic and his brother has some disabilities too and sometimes I guess I just want to make sure they are always okay. they don't always know that something is not safe or okay so I hover at times. I pay attention and their father in front of a computer playing games isn't always hands on like he should be with noise cancelling headphones that he can only hear his games so I always worry. and I start work at 5am and I work from home so I get to be around this all day. I sometimes want to work at the library so that I don't have to go through this all day everyday. I feel like I am on jail when I am off work because I never leave the house because when I am off work we have do to dinner and bed time routines homework showers and piano lessons. my husband just got his license back so this should be easier. I live in the country so 24 hour gyms are not really close I would have to drive about 30 plus minutes too and the local gym Is about 20 minutes away and only open till 10. so it doesn't leave much time to get things accomplished outside their schedules. I sometimes wonder if the gym schedule further out may just be worth it. I tried walking down my road but its a 55 mile an hour a road with no cops and people do 65 and half the boaters are leaving the lake drunk so I have to pick safety over sanity at times lol

mommadukes2015's picture

GURL Your husband is getting

GURL
Your husband is getting away with MURDER.
He wants you to look like a Stepford Wife, while simultaneously playing Susie Homemaker and Rosie the Riveter-just shy of Multiple Personality Disorder, I would like to see any human on this earth who can fill all three of those rolls and not be a total wackjob.

He needs to get his butt in gear. I hate when relationships are this lopsided-I've lived it myself and it does NOT have to be this way. Either he starts putting you first or you put him out. He needs to pull his weight, if he doesn't work, he deals with the house. Period. Stop doing everything and see how far that goes before he gets the picture.

Oh the kids are hungry? Why didn't you feed them DH? You've been home all day. Oh everyone has no clean clothes, why didn't you do the laundry DH? You were home all day.

Oh you don't want to do those things? Great. Then I expect you to have interviews set up for next week by Wednesday. And I would not touch a lick of laundry, a soap bubble would not grace a floor and I would not give in. You aren't a work mule. You're a human and you don't deserve this.

mom2182's picture

you make some very good

you make some very good points. I snapped one time and threw all the dishes out and he asked how he was going to eat dinner I made and I told him that he had to figure it out and not sure how he managed to dirty all the dishes in the house in 24 hours. I told him I wasn't going to buy anything either. it wasn't my best moment but it was either throw them in the trash or throw them again the wall I am not violent I have never thrown anything or hit anything but I was about to snap.

strugglingSM's picture

If they are your husband's

If they are your husband's kids, not yours, he needs to step up. My SSs also have a tendency to come to me when they have a question or need help. When they have a question, my usual response is, "you need to ask your dad", yet they still come to me.

We were recently on a weekend away with the kids. I sat down with a book thinking "yay! I get some time to read." I think I read 3 pages in an hour because I got so many questions that should have been directed at the parent.

I think it gives my DH a big out to check out when he needs a break.

If I were you, the next time your kids were around, I'd plan to be busy.

Also, you should check your husband when he complains. He has someone caring for him and caring for his kids...if he can't show a little appreciation once in a while, he may have to learn how to do all those things you are doing on his own.

Acratopotes's picture

I just read you admitted

I just read you admitted having control issues.... use to be my problem as well lol...

The laundry .. why are you doing the kids laundry? Their Dad can do it..... and well he can do yours as well Hon, you like doing it this way he likes doing it that way.. the end result is still the same, clean laundry to wear...

I would suggest learning to accept this, seems like he wants to help but his little control freak (you) will not allow him to, take something small and let him do it, yes you will grind your teeth and you will have to fight the urge to take over again, but you will also get use to it in time...

Let me give you my home example, When I do dishes, I do glasses first, then plates, then knives and forks then the pots and the pans... and not all in one zink, nope item group after item group - why I have no idea...
When my son does dishes, he puts everything in and wash what ever his hands get hold of, regardless if it's a glass, cup or pot.. oh it gives me the shakes, but I ignore it, at least he's helping out... and I stopped re washing the dishes when he went to bed Laughing out loud Laughing out loud heck it was clean just a different method.

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

mom2182's picture

I have done this. I do have a

I have done this. I do have a system to the dishes its my ocd way to get this done because I have so much on my plate that I know how to manage my time best and how to organize so I can get the most of my dishwasher or quickest way to vacuum. I do start with my cups then my plates then silverware and then pots and pans. the odds and ends go last. they all go in a certain spot. their clothes were... I say were in order in closets. by shirt type and colors and sleeve length. it makes it easier for me to find. specially when in a hurry. My husband put away all the kids clothes yesterday after I folded them and I had to cringe because after I neatly folded their clothes and separated them in their own baskets so he knew where they would go to make it easier... they still ended up in mixed drawers. this makes me stay awake half the night because I know the next time my ss needs a pair of socks and they are not in its place he will have a melt down part of his autism. so it just makes life easier and organized. my step son recognizes patterns and schedules and it makes life ten time more doable than chaotic