witch.hazel's picture

BM attempts to mess up my kid's birthday party.

Party was from 4-6pm (but everyone had a great time, so it lasted until 7.

BM has SD who is my little kid's much older sister. At first, H tells me that SD is coming to the party and then spending the night with us. Sounded great.

We were going to leave the presents we got her at home, and open them when we got back since we had asked the guests not to bring gifts.

Suddenly as we were about to leave, BM (as always) changed the plans at the last minute. Now SD was not spending the night, and had to be back to BM at 6:15. So of course, dad would have to leave the party early. He was all for it and actually told me we should get the presents into the car and bring them because he would be too busy dropping SD off and would now miss the gift opening otherwise.

NOPE. Plan was to open them at home- I'm not going to make all the guests watch our child open presents at a party that was scheduled as a "no gifts" party- not only that, we had no room in our car and that would take a significant amount of the two allotted hours.

I told him that BM is not going to alter the plans for our child's party and I don't care what her reason is. I knew that she was only doing this to mess us up and cause stress.

She had to pick SD up- I never even knew, SD was just there and then gone. So I guess H took care of it.

lieutenant_dad's picture

"Sorry BM, I can't make 6:15

"Sorry BM, I can't make 6:15 happen. If you need her then, you'll need to pick her up. Otherwise, she'll be back tomorrow as we originally agreed."

That's all DH needed to say. If she said she was keeping SD, well, that's her prerogative, I suppose (assuming it's her custody time). However, your DH should NOT give in just because BM says so.

Besides, what could SD possibly have going on after 6:00PM on a Saturday that comes up last minute that Dad can't take care of? Nothing, or next to nothing. Like you said, BM just wanted to cause problems.

witch.hazel's picture

What could possibly have been

What could possibly have been going on that somehow came up at the last minute? IDK, BM always comes up with plans for SD that interfere with anything we try to do with her. He did have EOW, but always let BM ruin them. I tried to talk him into taking her to court to enforce his weekends, but he would not, so I learned to stop caring. The weekends now don't happen at all, and have not for years. He only sees her once every couple of months for a few hours- and even for that, he meets BM halfway and she keeps changing the time, it wrecks whatever plans we have....so I learned to stop inviting SD for any fun activities we are doing Sad.

Even on the day of her grandpa's funeral, we were going to take SD with us, when BM suddenly decided she had a test (not that day) and could not miss the first part of school for her own grandfather's funeral. She claimed SD had to go to the first couple hours of school to pick up review material. Obvs, she could have picked it up later or had someone get it for her- it's not like the teacher wouldn't understand. The funeral was at 10, and we were nearly late for it. I was PO'd, but had to tell myself that if we were late for his own dad's funeral, it was H's problem.

He long ago decided BM can do whatever she wants with SD and he will just pick up whatever crumbs he can get. I only speak up when it interferes with my own plans. My kid's B-day party, of course.

twoviewpoints's picture

How old is your SD? It all

How old is your SD? It all sounds so sad that the older girl has not been allowed to join in with Dad and your household on a more regular basis. I see below that your youngest was a later in life child, which makes BM trying to stop a relationship between the children (IMO) even worse.

Some day these children will be the only ones remaining of their true biological family. They are sisters. They should be able to spend time with each other now so later in life they have each other. My sister is a very important person in my adult life. Friends for life , so to say.

Disneyfan's picture

You have to wonder why dad

You have to wonder why dad isn't doing everything in his power to increase time with his daughter.(court ordered visitation schedule).

While I agree the kids should bond, it isn't mom's job/responsibility to make that happen.

"Some of you nonstepparents should have disclaimers in your signature lines. Disney isn't a SM any more, but her's could read, "Was a SM. That shit is for the birds! I don't hate all SMs, though. I'm cool."" LadyFace

witch.hazel's picture

IDK, Disney. I think he's

IDK, Disney. I think he's lazy and worried about what might happen. I tried to push him to insist on his EOW during the first few years, but BM kept coming up with "plans" that she had for SD every time he was supposed to have her. And he let this happen every time. He didn't want to be the bad guy who made SD miss out on whatever the plans were. I finally gave up, as I was caring more about his time with his daughter than he was. So, yes, it is both of their doing, and the kids involved miss out due to selfishness and laziness of the parents.

blueskies4me's picture

Not everyone has the time or

Not everyone has the time or resources to take a PASing BM to court. Especially if said BM is draining him dry with excessive child $upport. A lot of courts are gynocentric, anyway.

Not my kid, not my problem!

witch.hazel's picture

SD is 16. She's not the

SD is 16. She's not the horror of an SD that I read about often here. Of course, I haven't spent very much time with her at all. The two kids love one another dearly and when they are together, the older plays with the younger and it's very sweet.

BM cannot stand having anything go on that she is not a part of, I think.

Maxwell09's picture

Yeah I stopped worrying about

Yeah I stopped worrying about skid attending my bio’s party last year. He either comes or he doesn’t. My bio is too young to notice at this point and negotiating with BM is never worth the hassle. Now when I plan his party I plan it around drop off time so that when BM drops him off, SS will catch the tail end of the party with cake and singing. Cousins usually always stay later than the other guests so they’re always waiting for SS. He doesn’t even realize he’s missed the first half of the party.

witch.hazel's picture

Same here- I totally checked

Same here- I totally checked out of caring whether SD can come to events or not. I don't bother inviting her 99% of the time. I like her, it's all due to BM finding a way to mess any plan up (and i know it's on purpose).

I wish we had cousins in our family! Our family is old, and my daughter was a "later in life" baby. I felt is was more important that she know her sister, but BM and H think not....

blueskies4me's picture

Don’t worry about your real

Don’t worry about your real child having a sibling relationship with a much older half sibling with a different mother. Maybe when DD is much older they will have some kind of a relationship but I wouldn’t force it. My kids don’t have cousins, either but I made sure to have at least two kids with my DH so they have each other.

I’m relieved if step spawn is not present for my kids’ birthday parties. Historically, step spawn ruins such occasions.

Not my kid, not my problem!

Goodluck's picture

Please tell us what the court

Please tell us what the court order reflects?????

Actually that is all that matters....everything else is moot.

Sorry about this OP you sound super nice Smiling and so does your sd.

The second type of triangulation is a cross-generational coalition in which one parent forms a coalition with the child against the other parent. This is the type of triangulation involved in the pathology traditionally called “parental alienation”.

witch.hazel's picture

Thanks, Goodluck. Court order

Thanks, Goodluck. Court order says EOW, but that stopped several years ago and she turned 16 in January.