Newimprvmodel's picture

Door is now opened

I was very surprised to get an email back from dh's daughter. It was lovely, and very friendly, and clearly asking me to discuss my life. I would not have welcomed this, but I feel that I need to respond and attempt a relationship now. I guess maybe it is the right time, she has matured.
I still have not mentioned it to dh , nor he to me.
I will wait a few days and respond. I find myself concerned that she will share my info w/ her mother. Who is a very attractive business woman. This may sound crazy, but over the past years I have gone from a size 6 to 18! I look my age and will be mortified for his daughter to be shocked seeing me after all these years. Most people are and it is painful for me.
My hobbies-- I am a great baker. Making french pastries and such. I am tempted to share pictures with her but again do I sound like too much of a fat old lady? LOL.
Any advice? I did not set out wanting a pen pal, but it seems like here I am.
My friends think this could be a great opportunity. To have someone else in my life. My kids are mostly all grown at college, so who knows?
Do I write quickly?

enuf's picture

Who knows the attractive

Who knows the attractive business woman may no longer be. Embrace your body! How many times have I seen thin and beautiful women who have souls of a toad. Would I even want to say hello, NO! How many times have I seen woman who may be over weight but the minute you seen them you can see love emanating so much so that I would want to try to stand next to them so that I can just absorb that essence.

The United States standard for women's beauty is really hard to achieve and the reason for it is because we are a consumer society and corporations wants us to buy so that we too can look beautiful. The standard for beauty in other countries is very different. In some countries the bigger the bootie the better.

Me, I embrace my body. I am 63 and also a bigger woman, 180 lbs, and I wear clothing that shows that I am "a woman" in all sense of the word. I love lace and satin, and things that feel good on my skin. You will never find me in sneakers or sweat pants when I am out. I am always compllmented and sometimes by strangers, from both men and women, that I am really "a beautiful woman."

Just shine in all your glory, and people will be so taken by it that they will see you as an attractive and beautiful woman. Flaunt those pictures of you baking. Baking is a gift and also having the hands, arms, mind and body to do so. You are very fortunate!

queensway's picture

Enuf that is a powerful post.

Enuf that is a powerful post. What a insightful woman you are. I really hate to say this but on this site some woman do make fun of a woman's weight. It is total hog-wash. I was married to a man(my ex) who had a real problem with weight gain. When I came home from the hospital after delivering a 8lb baby I weighed 114 pounds and was fat shamed by him. I will never forget that feeling and it did cause me to suffer with eating disorders long ago. But those days are long gone and when I look back that 114 pound girl was perfect. I just couldn't see it. Now I do not care about what the scale says. I am healthy and I know who I am and that for me is enough. I hope that Newimprvmodel knows she is just fine. Enuf I wish you would make a blog about your post during the week. I really feel you could help a lot of woman on this site.

DaniAM73's picture

Well said Enuf. Who cares

Well said Enuf. Who cares what the beautiful business woman looks like! Your DH loves you and is with you. He is lucky to have you in his life.

My DH loves my curves and I love them too.

I won't tell you not to embrace your SD, but if you feel she is up to something trust your instincts.

enuf's picture

One more thing, the fact that

One more thing, the fact that she sent an emai,l instead of calling you, is a red flag for me. If someone really wants to make contact and have a relationship with you they will do more than type a few words on a machines. How hard would it have been for her to call and say "I was thinking about you and wanted to reach out." I would be hesitant in the situation you described. She is really making no effort to start a new relationship with you.

I am single and if some man sent me an email saying they wanted to build a new relationship, I would say hogwash! Surely, someone who is sincere would go to the trouble of talking directly to you. Be wary, and I would not respond or put myself out too quickly. I think in this situation a simple "thank you, I appreciate your kind gesture," is enough, and then wait to see what happens. The onus is on her, let her make more of an effort, do not settle for less from anyone. You deserve better!

Newimprvmodel's picture

I think this younger

I think this younger generation uses texts and emails so often. It truly was a nice letter.
I do remember her as very sweet, before she began throwing me under the bus to her mother.
I am a bit hesitant to open myself up again, but what's the worst that can happen? We can go back to 7 years of no contact again.

DaniAM73's picture

Enuf is right. We are living

Enuf is right. We are living in a world where no one calls anymore. It's all about texting and DM's.

Goodluck's picture

If she wants a relationship

If she wants a relationship with you she would make the effort to meet for lunch or something.
A telephone call...???

I would not begin to email with her. Better to be safe than sorry.

The second type of triangulation is a cross-generational coalition in which one parent forms a coalition with the child against the other parent. This is the type of triangulation involved in the pathology traditionally called “parental alienation”.

Newimprvmodel's picture

She lives thousands miles

She lives thousands miles away

mapitout's picture

You might tread carefully and

You might tread carefully and ask her what she'd be interested in knowing about you, is she interested in how you grew up, what your educational experience was like, your passions, favorite music, books, movies, friends you love, beliefs, etc. There's so much to a life, I would keep it light and brief and always assume someone else will read it.

queensway's picture

Yes I agree. Keep things

Yes I agree. Keep things friendly and brief. Great advice. Smiling

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

I would go slowly with this.

I would go slowly with this. Perhaps keep the letter less about personal stuff and just general like small talk you would do with strangers. The weather can be great topic. Actually always spend some time covering the weather when I talk with my parents who are across the country. And I know they love me. If you have reservations about opening up to SD then listen to your gut and take it slow.
If you prefer talking on phone rather than email then keep your reply to her short but then invite her to call you to catch up. You can tell by tone of voice then if she is genuine. Give her some times when she can reach you by phone. No need to share photos of your life yet if you think she would pass them to her mom. Has she sent you photos?
If you need a pen pal there are lots of other places to find one.
Even here!

sammigirl's picture

I would call her on the phone

I would call her on the phone and keep it short and civil. Tell her you received her email and appreciate the communication. Then ask her how she has been, blah, blah, blah.... I wouldn't give her any information about myself, just proceed like you were just meeting a stranger. You don't give strangers personnel information.

Only give your SD information that you would repeat to anyone, including BM. It is interesting that your SD writes you this email, knowing you will probably respond. I would correspond with her by phone the first response and then keep it on the same level with any further social media.

Make some boundaries for yourself, keep it private; it sets boundaries for everyone else. This is what I did. After a 2 page hate email from my SD56 (she had a melt down), no response from me, I blocked her from ALL my social media immediately, within minutes, even my phone. If my SD wants to discuss with me, what her problem is (jealousy), she can sit down with me in the presence of DH and we will all discuss it. I have informed DH that is the only way we can work thru the nasty email. That was 3 years ago, I have been in SD56's life for 37 years, and still no apology or no communication of any type. I tell you this, because you want to use caution to avoid future confrontation.

You are a beautiful person, no need to worry about what anyone thinks. I wouldn't care if they judged. My SD judges me, only because she is jealous of me. It's a compliment to me actually; because I know she can't stand the fact that I can lead a life loving myself.

Good Luck.

I am going to do what I love, when I love, and I'm going to love doing it.

Rags's picture

Don't beat yourself up or

Don't beat yourself up or lack confidence in yourself. You are the one who has made a life with SD's dad. Your size has nothing to do with it. It is you and your DH that count in your relationship. Focus on that.

As for the XW/BM ... a successful and thin business woman she may have been and may still be but that is obviously not what your DH wanted for whatever reason.

As for size.... I have been enamored with my amazing bride since I first laid eyes on her more than 24 years ago when she was a size 6-8 through her journey to a size 18 .... and now back to an 8 and every moment of that journey she has been the most beautiful and sexy woman I have ever met. She has a heart of gold, is wicked/scary smart, amazingly beautiful and has a great sense of humor. She launched her push to a healthier lifestyle for me. Not because I had any issue with her size but because I had issue with mine and she was not interested in pushing me in a wheelchair for our retirement years and I finally made the decision to get serious about my own health. She asked my Doc if I would be more successful if she joined me in the effort. Those two ladies (my bride and my Doc) pretty much dragged me down the hall to the weight loss clinic to get started even though I was the one that initiated the discussion. Puzzled So now I am down almost 70Lbs and my wife is down 55Lbs since March. She is at goal ... I am still about 55Lbs from mine.

Regardless of my weight I have never lacked confidence or beat myself up over it. It was not until I found that I was physically incapable of doing many of the things that I like to do that I finally gained some clarity on my lifestyle and committed to doing something about it. If I had not hit that wall my weight would never have bothered me.

So.... you and DH enjoy each other, engage cautiously with SD and see where that goes. If SD reverts back to her historic crap then purge her and dont let her or BM have any space in your head, family, or marriage.

Good luck.

Take care of you.

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian, not a buddy.-Rags
If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR
If you want to be a part of my life then use your head or STFU and do what you are told.-Rags

Ispofacto's picture

You need to make peace with

You need to make peace with who you are. This is the root of your problems. Either love yourself or do something about the things you don't like. This will affect every aspect of your life. It transcends the current situation.

Restraining orders are just another way of saying "I love you".

BM to DD28, DS26, DS22 • : * ¨ ¨ * : • SM to SD13 - aka "Killjoy"

still learning's picture

Send her food pictures, let

Send her food pictures, let her know how the weather is and what her father is up to. She may have matured and is holding out an olive branch but we know in steplife how quickly things can turn. Personally I would be a bit guarded.

About the weight, if you feel that you'd like to improve yourself then take the steps to make it happen. First thing would be to see your doctor and and get your numbers checked (weight, cholesterol, BP). Then schedule to see a nutritionist and formulate a healthy eating plan for your body type and lifestyle.

Sadly women of all shapes and sizes hate their bodies because they do not look like supermodels. It's an unrealistic image of perfection that is genetically gifted to very few. Beauty changes, bodies morph and fluctuate. Love yourself in your changing body and this unpredictable world.

And now I'll do what's best for me.