It's not BM's problem that your DH choose to have two more kids. Don't compare your home of possibly having three kids while you envision BM sitting in her home with her feet propped up with no kids. Your DH has three kids. You have two kids. BM has chosen to have one kid.

And, no, you would not be expected to be 'mother' to the older child. Why would you think your SS moving in meant you play Mom? Homework would be on SS and if help needed, Dad. Getting dinner on the table something to work out with your DH. Remember , three kids are his. The idea of men making babies and then having the woman (you or BM) be the total caretaker of his offspring is ridiculous. He should be helping you with your two children and he should be seeing and caring for his third and oldest child more.

If you are currently doing all the 'work' and child rearing in your home, that's on you. Tell your Dh to get up and help you.

I'm not saying your SS should absolutely move in, but you do need to look at the situation differently than you currently are. If BM died tomorrow , your DH would indeed have his older child fulltime 24/7 365. Just because you and Dh chose to enlarge your family does not waive DH of his father duties and responsibilities to his first child.

An ideal schedule for a child would be 50/50, not one lousy weekend a month. Why should your SS only have a father two or three days a month? You could pop out another four kids and SS would still be your DH's responsibility to parent and care for. Why he may have divorced his ex wife, he should not be considered free and divorced of his oldest child.

If your Dh wants to have his son in his home more, perhaps he could start with increasing his very small visitation time. To have married your DH believing you should never have to bother with your SS being around because SS was BM's 'job' to raise and tend to was not realistic thinking on your part. Your DH has a much responsibility to your SS as he does towards your younger children. No, you do not, but your DH does.

Why has your Dh not set simple parenting tasks such as a bedtime? While you can not expect a 12yr old to go to bed when a 2yr old would, you have every right to expect the kid to go to his bedroom and at least be quiet and read a book (if not go to sleep) at a reasonable hour. SS is also old enough to be doing his own laundry, doing some household task and using the internet to find homework assistance and having his father review and check his work. I think you'd be hard pressed to find any parent who literally sits next to their kid doing line after line of any school assignment .

Yes, you would have 3 kids in your house. However, it's not like BM dumped off a toddler on you. SS should be able to feed and bathe himself. DH can take up the slack, it's his kid.

If He's crazy enough to go along with that, hopefully there is someone I his circle that will give him a quick kick in the behind.

OR, perhaps he has a friend that will tell him to walk away from all of his kids. Really, if one weekend a month with dad is good enough of one kid, then it should be good enough for all of them. }:)

If living with dad is what is best for the kid, then that is where he should be.

Consider that SS-12 spends 24 nights with his father each year. Those nights are likely not dedicated or one-on-one. SS has to compete with 2 half-siblings that are likely much cuter and much more demanding of attention, plus a SM who thinks he is stupid and intrusive. Poor kid.

He likely would do better with any 50/50 visitation variation --- one week on/one week off --- with his father. You may vent a bit here, but you likely are still a better option for the boy. You sound like an underprepared, overwhelmed woman who planned for one future and is facing a different one.

I imagine that you do not feel the same towards SS as you do to your own little spawn --- welcome to Biology. Most of us in any style step-situation wished we could feel something more positive toward the skids/sgkids. Children by other parties to our primary relationship are resource-sucking, attention-unit-limiting sources of competition.

Forgive yourself for that nasty, selfish tendency we all seem to feel and think of your DH. This boy is half of him. SS deserves to know and spend time with his father. 24 nights/year is not nearly enough consistent time for your DH to parent effectively. Heck, your house rules for toddlers don't apply for teens; but DH has not the time to even establish any guidelines. He needs to focus on developing their relationship. So, I'd suggest that you release some of the fear and figure out some positive ways to manage increased visitation.

As a stepparent, you always have to be prepared for your stepkid(s) to move in full-time. Custody can change at any time for any number of reasons.

If SS is struggling with BM, it might be best for his Dad to try and turn it around. Your home is your SS's home, and your DH has just as much responsibility in raising SS as BM does - and just as much responsibility as he has to your kids.

Does that mean you are responsible for SS? No, but you also can't tell your DH that his son can't live with him so he can raise him. The only real way out for you is disengagement or to not live there anymore. It's a sucky set of options, but as an adult, they are the choices you have.

Ahhhh...the old steptalk is slowly coming back. Beat the hell out of new posters.

You should be able to vent your feelings somewhere without reprisal, and we all know how difficult that is IRL.

If this ss would have been an older teen or young adult, I would have said to make sure it doesn't happen. But he is only 12, and boys need to be with their fathers if possible during puberty. It's a lot different from being with mom. And something may be wrong with the way BM's new partner is treating him if he suddenly wants to make that change.

Your DH has the right to live with his child as you do yours. A compromise to set some ground rules for all children in the house may help. Whatever you may dislike about him also may change with the influence of dad and yourself.

Also, FYI, the reason people kept putting about the one weekend a month is because of your OP and the fact that some of the posters made comments before you included more info. Disneyfan responded Saturday night, but you didn't reply to twoviewpoints' poster until Sunday. Disney was basing it off of you saying "2nd weekend", which many would interpret as just the 2nd weekend of the month, not every other weekend which is what I assumed you meant.

Replies don't show up in fully sequential order, so if you reply to a post at the top, that doesn't mean a post at the bottom came after you posted.

Not a problem at all for SS to move in, but before this can happen... DH will confirm that there will be rules and he will back me up when implementing such rules in his absence. SS must know that I'm not his mother but he still will listen and respect me...

When this is confirmed and established... SS will start the new house rule life for a couple off months till CO states full custody and BM paying CS.
This is also enough time to make sure SS is following the rules and for DH to make sure you are respected.