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Stepdaughter teen has terrible hygiene issues and I need advice

Michelle jean's picture

Stepdaughter is a sweet girl who I get on with well. Her hygiene is terrible. Her mother has not educated her and I'm struggling with it. 13 , hates to shower, hair stinks and looks greasy and knotted. Her underwear is regularly soiled so obviously can't wipe her bottom properly. Bedroom is so dirty and smells the house out. Have tried to express my concerns to my husband who is not helping any of this stuff. He's a beautiful soft man who won't discipline re mess.. showering.. and is totally oblivious despite me raising over 4 years. She doesn't listen to me around bedroom mess and I'm fed up. I'm always lovely to her and try to be respectful of her having her own mum so I am like a big sister in a way. It's doing my head in. She's had thrush that her mother ignored so I took over and helped.. it not a fan of washing soiled underwear so I throw them out. I don't want to embarrass her, I feel sorry for her that she's never been educated by her mother so looking for tips?

Comments

queensway's picture

Are her friends like this? She needs some help in this area for sure. You said that you get along with her so that part is great. Plan a day at a salon. Get her hair done. Maybe nails? Go shopping and let her pick out some new clothes and under garments. Get her body lotions and soaps she likes. Introduce her to these things. Your DH needs to step in and tell her that showering everyday is what we do in this house. The bedroom is something that would drive me nuts. If your DH doesn't fix it hire a cleaning person to clean it. And your husband can pay for it. Plus I can tell you care for this young lady and I think she is lucky that you are in her life. Good Luck.

Thumper's picture

Personal hygiene is a serious problem. Some parents receive knocks on their doors by cps, and sign an nice little parenting plan for this stuff.

AND I have known school nurses or staff report this too to CPS.

Tips for you, Since you are aware of a problem, not doing something is just as wrong. So, what do YOU think you should do.

Here is what I would do....Take her to the drug store, let her smell all the pretty shampoo's/conditioners let her pick one. THEN go to the soaps..same thing, let her pick. THEN to the toilet paper aisle and pick up flushable wipes and when she asks what are these for. TELL HER,,

As far as the undies THAT should straighten itself out when she begins to use the flushable wipes. I would tell her it is important to be nice and clean AND to smell pretty too. Smile

Last but not least, I would take her to the Beauty Parlor for a wash, dry and style in a few weeks as her reward for keeping her hair clean etc. Then off to lunch at Panera Bread.

MoominMama's picture

Been there done that. SD was also aged 13 then. Same issues, didn't like to shower, didn't wipe properly and issues around menstruation. DH did tackle her on it, I tried to be helpful and sympathetic (wish I had never bothered) she became even more passive aggressive and eventually went to live at BMs (taking her stink with her Smile ) but then tried to say we were emotionally abusing her by asking her to be cleaner. Created a whole big storm around it, including dragging in BM and flying monkey friends to abuse and threaten us by email and on FB.

Leave it alone. Just stock up on air freshener. Maybe a therapist might be helpful though.

completely overwhelmed's picture

I have the same problem with SD (16) and I don't know what to do either. Teachers at school complain about how badly she smells but there isn't a way to force her to bathe. I am afraid she would say DH abused her if he tried to bathe her so he can't exactly bathe her like a small child. She has sensory processing disorder and only wears certain clothes and prefers clothing that's been worn for days so - massive stank. She gets teased about it at school but that doesn't motivate her to change. She simply doesn't care.

DaizyDuke's picture

I will never understand how someone can walk around day after day smelling their own stench? The longest I have ever gone without a shower is 3 days and only because I was sick and just couldn't do it. By day 3 if I couldn't have gotten a shower I probably would have lost my mind and that was only laying around the house doing nothing! I can't imagine doing gym, going outdoors and sweating etc and STILL not bathing for a week??! The brushing teeth thing too?! Again, sometimes when I'm sick I might miss a brushing.. like ONE brushing and I can't stand the way my teeth feel!!!! How can someone go days or weeks without brushing their teeth??!!

My SD was a total slob, her room was a pig sty BUT she showered every day and was VERY concerned with her appearance. I can't even imagine living with someone like your SD, I honestly don't think that I could. Sad

Cover1W's picture

Had this issue.
Bought books for her (which she did read but obviously didn't care), bought special bath stuff, bought the towels she wanted, bought clothing, etc., etc., etc.

BUT if the PARENTS don't care you will not be able to change anything.

If she sat too close to me (she's better now = friends I think changed her showering habits) I would tell her to move because she smelled. Just the facts, not stated meanly. I've had to do this with SD11 too more recently.

If they go anywhere with me they must be clean. That's the extent of what I can do.

ntm's picture

Her father needs to deal with it. Not your kid, not your problem. Close the door on the mess and put your DH in charge of washing his kid's dirty underwear.

Acratopotes's picture

I had the same SD age 13.... I felt sorry for her and started up the convo about it, asked silly questions of what she would do in certain situations... Oh she knew it all.... BM did tell her the right stuff and taught her the right way... she simply did not do it...

why not, guess because her parents got divorced, SO talked to me about her body odor and I simply said, she knows what to do, BM did inform her, now it's your job to make sure she does, I'm not her parent it's not my responsibility... she's 18 and nothing changed..