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somehow it's always my fault

iamlosingit's picture

BM deliberately scheduled ss school conferences without talking to DH and made them for 10a.m. today. This means dh has to miss half a day of work. She also conveniently scheduled a dr appointment for the same day so she could spend half the day with DH and go out to lunch "as a family". She does this every year and it drives me insane. No regard to co-parenting. I made the mistake of bringing this up to Dh about how she needs to include him in these decisions instead of just texting him and expecting him to "jump". She's been doing this for years. I texted dh and asked how things were going and he blew up and said how he's "not allowed to be a father" and he cancelled the whole thing. I didn't think I was being unreasonable asking him to talk to her about it. I don't even think he did talk to her. But it's somehow my fault that he isn't going today. I never told him not to go. But it sucks because his off week visitation is tomorrow and she schedules all this for today to get time with dh. I hate that he blames me for not going, he said he texted her last night and told her he couldn't make it but I was unaware of this. He's making it seem as if he cancelled because of me but I don't know if it was work related or not (maybe they wouldn't let him go?) and he's just venting at me? We are getting more and more distant and I don't know how to fix this. He just dropped over $230 on his son's birthday party last weekend and we have bills due next week and he owes me money for things I have covered since July. He is always doing things 1 on 1 with ss when he is over, nothing wrong with that, I get it is different when you have a child and don't see them every day like you planned before you split with your partner, but why am I feeling like I just get the whiplash anytime things backfire? Monday he blew up at me because he likes to watch "the voice"...well the show isn't over until 9p.m. and his drop off for ss every Monday is 830. When I reminded him at 815 that he should probably get going because he was going to be late he blew up and said he deserves to be happy too and if he wants to watch "the voice" he's going to watch it. This has been an ongoing battle with Mondays since the schedule happened 3 yrs ago. He will leave at 8:20 KNOWING the drop off time is 8:30, he is never on time. I tried to tell him he doesn't like it when bm is late and "takes time away from his time" so she probably doesn't appreciate him doing that to her on Mondays and he doesn't care. We are so disconnected I don't know what to do. I'm worried this is going to lead to a divorce. It seems like anything I say is twisted to make me look like "I don't want him to be a father" when all I'm asking for is some damn consideration or for him to "think" for once. He just spent all last weekend and Monday one on one with ss but now he's freaking out over missing an annual dr appointment and conferences? He might as well get back together with BM because it seems like that is the ONLY way he is going to feel like he has enough time with ss. What about "us". I don't feel like there is an "us" anymore. He knows it. Neither one of us knows how to fix it.

Comments

fairyo's picture

First of all avoid all his attempts at 'gaslighting' ie making you feel as if you've brought on these problems. You haven't, these issues were around before you came on the scene and are not of your making.
You could try counselling- it works for some couples, and you need to get your relationship back on track.
You also need to disengage- stop reminding him that he needs to leave with SS, try to stand back from BM's attempts to drive a wedge between you. DH is responsible for that child and not you.
I know how frustrating this can be- I tried to point his 'jumping' to DH soon after we met, thinking the light might come on and he would see things from my perspective. He didn't and I don't think he ever will. OSD has driven the wedge between us she always sought, I don't think it will heal.
Work on your self-esteem- try to be busy with your own stuff whenever these incidents occur and if DH talks about it pretend you didn't notice 'cos you were too busy watching Star Trek, or whatever...
Stick around- you will receive lots of good advice hear from people who know exactly how it feels.

Icansorelate's picture

everything that fairyo said and also, stop loaning him money. Let him suffer the full consequences of his choices, whether it is being late, not having money etc.

Unless therapy can help, I am not sure your marriage is going to make it. Do you think he is interested in getting back with BM?

lieutenant_dad's picture

I mean the as kindly as possible: stop nagging him about his kid.

So what if BM orchestrates a half day with your DH? Do you think he'll cheat? Run off with her? Confess his undying love?

No. She'll flirt and flirt and flirt, and if he's a good husband, he'll look at her like she has two heads. He'll redirect conversations back to the kid or small talk. Or he'll start talking to SS and ignore her completely.

Really, he's only torturing and hurting himself when he doesn't stand up to BM in these instances. If he's late dropping SS off, he'll get the earful from BM. If he doesn't schedule his own parent-teacher conference, he'll have to deal with whatever date/time BM gives him. Nagging him about it isn't going to do anything except frustrate the both of you.

So, stop. If he complains, offer an "I'm sorry, that sucks" and change the topic. The less you involve yourself and try to control how he handles this, the less he will involve you. Right now, he has two women in his life telling him how he is a horrible father for not doing X, Y, and Z. That's not your job or responsibility, so let it go.

tankh21's picture

So what if BM orchestrates half a day with BM. I am sorry but I disagree with you I wouldn't want my DH spending half a day with BM I don't care what it's for regardless if it's for the kid or not. I wouldn't be married to a man that took off work for anything that involved BM. They should just have stay married if he wanted to make it feel like they were still a "family".

momof3smof2's picture

He's attending his kid's conference and doctor appointment. Would you expect him to skip that?

moving_on_again's picture

I'd expect him to make his own conference time. But ya, the Dr. thing I understand. And I would be livid if they all had lunch together after.

tankh21's picture

It all depends on what the doctor appointment was for? If it was an emergency that is different I would expect both parents to be present.

iamlosingit's picture

No not emergency just an annual appointment. I agree with both being present for an emergency no question. But she deliberately schedules it this way to try and get Dh to go to lunch with them after to get more time with him.

tankh21's picture

Yeah that would not fly with me. I would tell DH how I feel and if he chooses to have "lunch" with his ex then he would find me gone.

momof3smof2's picture

Sometimes separate conferences are not an option. Two of our combined kids are on an IEP. If my ex thought he was going to have a private IEP meeting just because he didn't want to be around me, he'd have another thing coming. It just would never happen.

Disneyfan's picture

So you expect the teacher to have two separate conferences simply because that would make the kid's SM feel better????

tankh21's picture

No I would expect my DH to not be around BM unless he absolutely has to. If they want to go to a conference together to discuss their child fine but as far as going to lunch or spending half of the day together that wouldn't fly with me.

iamlosingit's picture

Not at all, I DO expect BM to not be the ONLY decision maker on the time and date of said conference. This school does them at varied times mornings to evening over a three day period. It shouldn't just be up to her to call in and pick knowing that DH wants to be there as well. They should discuss it together to pick a time that works so they both can be there without taking away from work.

iamlosingit's picture

I get it but at the same time they have a visitation schedule for a reason. I know I can't plan anything last minute without looking at a calendar to see if its a skid weekend, why shouldn't BM have to? We have never been "allowed" to switch a day or weekend with her, it's always been "her rules". If she wanted DH to go she should have called him and said "hey, conferences are on these days, what time works so we both can go?" instead of expecting him to miss work. Conferences have 3 days and multiple time slots to pick from, I refuse to believe the 10 a.m. wasn't intentional to get time with DH alone.

momof3smof2's picture

"At no point is it ever ok for him to do a meal with BM. Ever. If they wanted to stay an intact family then they shouldn't have been divorced."

You don't get to make that rule for anyone other than yourself. I have had many lunches and dinners with my ex and our children. My husband has had many lunches and dinners and even breakfast with his ex and their kids. We have had many breakfasts, lunches, dinners as a hodgepodge of kids, me, DH, my ex and/or his ex.

There is nothing wrong with any of that. And it doesn't mean any of us have any intention of being with the person to whom we used to be married.

secret's picture

yeahhhh it wouldn't fly with us either.

An ex is an ex is an ex.... just because they share a child doesn't mean they get a pass on things that would not happen with any other ex.

But whatever works in each situation.

StepUltimate's picture

I wish our BM was a half-way sane person we could do tbat with... but she a hostile psycho-narcissist & more than willing to continue to crush the life out of her son just to give DH a hangnail. So when I hear about your situ, grateful there are SOME people who put the kids 1st and act lime the adults we're all supposed to be.

momof3smof2's picture

Why are you parenting your husband so much? The things you were complaining about really have nothing to do with you.

If the time BM schedules for conferences and or a medical appointment don't work for your husband, then he will speak up to her or suffer the consequences. It doesn't affect you. Or shouldn't.

If BM gets mad because he's late dropping off the child, how does that affect you? She can deal with it with him or she wont. Maybe, they're both fine with it.

tankh21's picture

Some people are crappy parents and have crappy exes and need some guidance. I don't blame OP for how she feels on some things. Things that don't directly involve her like her DH being late to take SS home her DH should deal with on his own but things like DH spending time where BM is NOT ok.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Stop reminding him of anything to do with his child, stop paying for his crap, if he wants to be an as* then let him shi* on himself when he can't pay for his own bills. Tell him that you expect to be paid back $___ by December 1st and once he pays you stop covering for a grown man. Once you stop paying for his stuff then you won't need to worry what he spends his money on.

I came to terms with the same issue you're having by realizing that there is an "us" and then there is a "them". "Us" is my SO and I, "them" is SO and his children. We are not 2 teams pitted against each other but there is a difference, I will never be part of "them" and I am cool as a cucumber about that because if I wanted to be in a club with kids I would have had my own. Almost as soon I figured out there is an US and there is a THEM I accepted it and moved on, having no expectations helps as well because then you are never disappointed.

Hennypenny's picture

No more comments to DH about how BM should be treating him, or how he should be treating BM. Stay out of things unless you are directly involved. If you have the kid eowe then there is plenty of time for “us.” Stop focusing on the time you don’t have together and plan for the time you do. Address finances directly with DH to ensure you are each contributing your fair share to the household- resentment over money is a huge relationship killer, especially with stepfamilies.

iamlosingit's picture

He has visitation weekdays too not just eowe. Also given his CS amount any time not devoted to ss is spent working overtime, so "us" time is any evening where he happens to not be working overtime which is few and far between. We had barely 3 hours together yesterday (first alone time this month) and he passed out on the couch after suggesting we rent a movie.
Sadly I have the bills written down on a calendar based on date due in plain sight. I only tell DH a week before they are due if he hasn't volunteered any money towards them, and he says he will get me the money, I pay them, and then all of a sudden there is no money. I'm afraid if I tell him to pay them and give HIM money instead, he will spend my money and not pay them period. I'm trying to be patient but how can he say he has no money then the following weekend drop over $200 on a freaking birthday party??

DaizyDuke's picture

Good grief, he needs to pull up his diaper and stop acting like a snively toddler face. DH and I are married and obviously live in the same home and he has NEVER been to a Dr.'s apt with our BS7 (other than his very first check up at 1 week) and he has NEVER been to a teacher conference. I am perfectly competent and can relay to him any necessary information received. why in the world does he think he "can't be a father" because he didn't go with BM to a Dr. apt or a teacher conference???

Effective immediately, I would stop "reminding" him about crap (what time he should leave, etc) and let him deal with the BM fall out. I would also work out a monthly bill pay plan where your bills are split directly down the middle and I would not contribute one fracking cent extra.

iamlosingit's picture

unfortunately as much as I agree with this, both of our names are on the utilities so if they don't get paid in full we get late fees and marks on both of our credit. I have worked too hard to rebuild mine to let dh turn it to crud. The bills are supposed to be split down the middle. You're probably right on not reminding him about drop off times but Mondays just irk me. It's not like he's late because he and ss were having so much fun together...he is late because of a gdang TV show. Seriously. You can't be late to work, being a parent is work. Please don't take that the wrong way, but in my opinion if two adults can't co-parent to the point where they had to get the courts involved to create a schedule for you, you should be able to "adult" and follow the friggin schedule.

Disneyfan's picture

Does BM give him a hard time about being late on Monday nights? If not, then why are you saying anything? If you are nagging him about something BM overlooks, then I can understand why he reacts the he does.

iamlosingit's picture

Yes she does. She will also not be home at other drop off times/dates as payback knowing that the court order states the child can only be dropped off in the care of the parent, not another family member. There have been times where she won't answer her phone and leave DH sitting in the truck in front of the house for an hour past drop off time as retaliation with no warning. Example: Since we start work around 4/5a.m. if ss is supposed to be dropped off at 8:30 and BM chose not to come home until 930, takes .5 hrs to drive home, DH isn't getting back until past 10p.m. and ss is falling asleep the following visitation day as a result of getting to bed so late and DH is about to fall asleep at the wheel. I can understand traffic or weather issues or something but deliberately not being home or leaving on time for drop off is not good for ss either.

strugglingSM's picture

I agree with all of the above...stop being in charge of keeping track of things or reminding him of things for his child.

Your DH is behaving like a child.

I used to remind my DH of things like conferences or school events or the importance of being on time. He would reward me with some of the same behavior. I finally told him, I don't really care what you do, but I expect you to keep BM's drama out of my house, so I expect you to do what you need to do to make that happen.

My DH also has a tendency to act like a child when his kids are around. I think it has to do with his own guilt, shame, and sadness over his divorce. That's all fine, but he needs to deal with that on his own and not blame me. He would periodically snap at me because he "thought" I was saying something mean to his kids, although when we discussed whatever it was later, after I got mad at him, he would say "oh, I agree with that." Yeah, well, then don't jump down my throat because you think I'm saying something that I'm not and especially don't do that in front of your kids.

Acratopotes's picture

Stop lending him money for his son, keep your money for yourself, he works for a salary he can get by on it.

Now he exploded cause he knows you are spot on with your observation and he knows BM still have his balls, thus he's not telling her NO stuff it..

He's just to proud to acknowledge it, in the future do not remind him of time, he's a grown ass man and can keep his own time, if he complains cause BM is late... pretend to listen and reply with ,,, mmmmm then change the subject.

Simply tell him there's 2 people in the relationship not 3, you are not a sister wife, if he wants to jump for BM then you should split and he should take her back,,, walk away

iamlosingit's picture

I'm not exactly "loaning" him money it's for our utilities Smile Both of our names are on them, the companies don't care where the money comes from as long as they are paid. Likewise, its not like I can just call and pay "my portion only"...if it isn't paid in full they go after both of us plus charge late fees if DH doesn't pay. I could try to leave it up to him to pay it and give him my portion but I don't think it would get done by the cut off time, plus I don't trust him to not spend it thinking he could "put it back in time" to pay the bill.

Booboobear's picture

DH stopped joint Parent Teacher conferences with BM right away because BM used the time to complain to teacher about DH instead of focus on the skids.