Laney's picture

If the world as we know it ends, I get to live with bm if I want dh

Counseling isn't going as well as I wanted it to. The counselor hasn't come out and said dh was right to stay with ss she just wants me to imagine leaving my dd in a hurricane with someone I felt couldn't protect her. No one cares that ss is a teenager and could survive on his own if he had to and dd is a toddler. My feelings are still hurt and I feel that I can't depend on dh when I need him the most and I want to focus on that. The therapist has assigned us homework, me to write down all the times dh was there for me and when he wasn't and dh to do the same.

Bm's boyfriend is a prepper, like hard core prepper and we need to be perpared to survive anything and everything. This weekend ss started asking dh if he had plans for a disaster. Like if Yellowstone blew (cause apparently bms boyfriend thinks its gonna blow soon, If a virus breaks out (government engineered accident wink wink), Asteroid strike (we escaped a hit last week of our chin hairs Puzzled ) ect. Dh told him that we would go to him figure out what to do next. I didn't say anything but I asked dh later what he meant by that and we talked. He said that ss won't leave his mom so any plans we have have to include her. I told him okay but if a disaster like that happens go to ss first and don't wait on me and dd because we will not be coming. I told him I refuse to spend the rest of mine and dd's time with that c@nt. Dh laughed and didn't take me seriously but I mean it. If a disaster strikes dd and I will be on our own and dh can go with them.

I've started looking into go bags that ss talks about and I'm making one for dd and I in case of emergency. I figure if a emp strikes or something at least we will have food and water and warm clothes. Dh asked what I was putting into his and I said I wasn't making him one because I don't know what him and his family need. I'm getting the cold shoulder now but I don't care.

Does anyone have an evacuation plan and do you include the bios and steps? How are other families doing this?


Tomatoe's picture

I think it depends on the

I think it depends on the disaster and when it hits. If a virus breaks out we will hunker down and we will be prepared to stay home for a long time. When ebola broke out I bought an insane amount of water and dry food.... We are still going through the water, bleach and canned goods I bought. I doubt we will ever use all the gloves.....An asteroid, it depends where it hits and where we can get to. An emp we are all screwed and I hope we are at least home. The goal then is to get out of the populated areas and into farm lands in underpopulated areas and wait for people to finish killing each other. Your dh wants his child with him if the worse happens and no one can fault him for that. I'm sorry you can't handle that and that your dd will not have a dad or big brother to protect her if life as we know it ends but HEY! at least you don't have to see bm. Priorities right?

moving_on_again's picture

Prep to live for what? 3 more

Prep to live for what? 3 more months? No thanks.

ESMOD's picture

TBH, any port in a storm. If

TBH, any port in a storm. If prepper BF's place is the most prepared place you and your DD can bug out to, I wouldn't give one flying F whether BM were there or not. The survival of me and my daughter would be paramount. You seriously would jeopardize your daughter's survival because you don't like BM?

I can see it now.. on the titanic. .... NO, officer I will NOT get on that last lifeboat because my DH's EX is on it. I will just drown.. yes.. my daughter too.

And.. stop equating the "teen" vs your child.. thing it doesn't work. A preteen/teen is still not an adult equipped with all the experiences of life... he may need daddy.. so you need to figure out how to work this all out.

I personally don't care how much I dislike BM.. I can put that aside in an emergency for the common good.

As far as the bug out bags... since you think your DH might go elsewhere... tell him he should pack a separate bag since you may not be in the same place..like during the last hurricane.

Laney's picture

I wouldn't of been on the

I wouldn't of been on the titanic with bm to begin with and who knows if bf will be a long term relationship. I just refuse to spend our final days with bm.

ESMOD's picture

Ok.. how about this.. you

Ok.. how about this.. you show up to the ONLY shelter in your area and BM is there.. do you turn around and leave.. Fire racing through the area.. you are about to get on the evac bus.. but BM is there?

You won't spend your last days with BM... so spend them somewhere else.. die earlier.. die instead of surviving and make that decision for your defenseless daughter.. honey we are gonna die because I can't sit on a bus with "that woman".

Tomatoe's picture

SO because she isn't with a

SO because she isn't with a man she will die? Uh no. I get along with bm but if she were in a shelter dh and I would move along to the next. I disagree with the op but you are acting like bm won't be up her butt in a disaster. She will consider them all a team and never leave their side. I'm sure op would be fine in a bus or rec room as long as bm kept her distance.

ESMOD's picture

No.. I'm saying if she lets

No.. I'm saying if she lets her hatred for BM cloud her judgement she could die. Sure there "might" be another shelter.. but what if that is it?.. her only option?

I'm just saying sometimes you do what you need to do...

wineisthecure's picture

All things aside I think you

All things aside I think you are right not to make DH a bug out bag let him make his own as you don't seem to be going in the same direction.

What is so wrong about offering skids shiny red apples?

Laney's picture

That's what I told him. We

That's what I told him. We won't be together so I don't know what you will need for your family. I'll take care of me and dd and you take care of you, ss and your wife I mean ex wife.

secret's picture

Here's a question.... if dh

Here's a question.... if dh had ss during a time when emergency hits... would he go with you and your dd, or would he still stick around for bm?

es stört mich nicht

Laney's picture

I asked him that question and

I asked him that question and that was when I decided to go my own way. He said ss would insist on going to get his mom and would go whether dh let him or not so he will take ss.

secret's picture

isn't it sad when you realize

isn't it sad when you realize your husband's balls are in his kid's hands and that it's more important for him to get his ex than to go with you?

Glad you're heading in your own direction.

es stört mich nicht

Stalk's picture

Some people do put their

Some people do put their children ahead of their spouse when it is needed. I'd rather her dh have his balls in his kids hand then her ss run off alone to find his mom and get lost. Such is life though, some people can only think of their own needs.

secret's picture

of course... but that

of course... but that situation is not a need. It's a want. It's a kid wanting their other parent - which, while natural, shouldn't make the step have to accept that their family is torn up while the ex family is together.

es stört mich nicht

Disneyfan's picture

You say the kid has her

You say the kid has her husband's balls. I think BM has his heart.

The more the OP posts, the more I wonder who ended their relationship.

This guy acts like a man who had moved on ONLY because the one he loved no longer loved him

"Some of you nonstepparents should have disclaimers in your signature lines. Disney isn't a SM any more, but her's could read, "Was a SM. That shit is for the birds! I don't hate all SMs, though. I'm cool."" LadyFace

secret's picture

Could be both. Many people

Could be both.

Many people on here wouldn't give in to their kid's desire to be around both parents and ditch their family in the process... those who would, well maybe they don't care as much about their spouse as they should.

es stört mich nicht

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Not gonna lie. I would have

Not gonna lie. I would have flipped s***. BM is grown, she can take care of herself. I get as might want to be with her, but a disaster hits and you take your family and you get out. Your family doesn't include the ex-spouse... it includes your spouse and your children. BM may be part of ss's family. By priority #1 is keeping him safe. His desire to be with BM shouldn't trump keeping you and DH together. His right to having BM is absolutely no more important that making sure DD gets her dad. If BM is there with you for some weird bizarre reason then maybe take her (but only because apparently we have to be cordial to the inane people...) but like seriously. You're on your own and that's it. You and DD should have DH wth you if at all possible. I understand maybe wanting to find ss if he's with BM... But not at the expense of the people (you and DD) that he currently has and is helping take care of. If as is with BM she's gonna have to step it up and be an adult: if you guys have him then sorry, his wants don't prioritize over the safely of the family.

Maybe harsh. But seriously... if my DH ever said that I would be PISSED and holding back "tf are you married to then?! You can't have two wives!" But I've also been getting more and more moody the past few weeks... So probably shouldn't listen too hard to my rant.

moving_on_again's picture

Same. Of course, SO would

Same. Of course, SO would rather cut off his head than be in the same room with BM for more than the length of a game/event. Disaster or no. She's vile.

WalkOnBy's picture

same There is NO situation on

same

There is NO situation on EARTH that would make DH be in the same room as Medusa - unless it's a courtroom and she is getting her ASS handed to her. Again.

Reading...it's fundamental

"Maybe it should be "reading comprehension..... it's fundamental" - ItsGrowingOld

DaniellaR's picture

My DH gets diarrhea when he

My DH gets diarrhea when he has to interact with psycho BM. There is no way in hell he would leave me and our infant daughter during an emergency or evacuation to be with BM and skids. In the beginning, I dunno, he might have been guilted into it by his mom and he would have eventually come home to new locks and his crap on the porch. You teach people how to treat you and being abandoned during an evacuation is not behavior I would accept from my life partner. I can do better.

ESMOD's picture

Skid= his bio kid. so he had

Skid= his bio kid. so he had two bio kids. One BM was evacuating to a "safe zone".. one was not and not allowing his bio son to leave with him.... so... he stayed in case the bio son needed assistance in the disaster zone.

Unless Laney seriously thinks that her DH is interested in getting back with his EX... then this is all about his children.

Hennypenny's picture

Yeah, during the apocalypse

Yeah, during the apocalypse I’m going to go ahead and let bygones be bygones.

Stalk's picture

We would do whatever we

We would do whatever we needed to do to survive and since bm has the kids we would be with her. If we had the kids we would wait for her to get to us because I would never want to separate a parent from their children like that.

blueskies4me's picture

Yellowstone isn't going to

Yellowstone isn't going to blow anytime soon.
There are no known deadly asteroids on a direct collision course with Earth and that last one was TINY. Like the size of a fridge or something.
Why would the idiot government want to kill off taxpayers? It doesn't make any damned sense. Get flu shots regardless.

It's prudent to have water, food and other necessities in case of economic troubles, earthquakes, blizzards etc. Have some basics in your home so you don't have to cohabitate with bioskank. If DH goes and cohabitates with BM I would have divorce papers ready for him upon his return. Shacking up with bioskank is a direct violation of your marriage vows.

Not my kid, not my problem!

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Amen.

Amen.

Acratopotes's picture

Laney - I've been thinking

Laney - I've been thinking about this....

Dh will always think of SS first, cause he knows you will take care of DD.... now the only way out of this, and hear me out...
go with DH, to BM's house, seems like her boyfriend has everything under control, this way you do not have to worry about anything, just to get to their house safe, and once there you can act like a diva and piss BM off...

you are not going to win this girl, you might as well join the madness

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

JustAgirl42's picture

<3 you!

Laughing out loud <3 you!

'I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing common about common courtesy or common sense.'

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

just remember... you diva and

just remember... you diva and she gets a taste of her own medicine... And gets all frustrated... She hits you, you always have the option of hitting back... cuz self-defense... Also would feel dan good... lol

Just a thought... after I heard our BM has a temper but can't throw a real punch a while back it made me think too much... Cuz I won't throw thefirst punch... But I'm dang good at throwing them if you throw first...

Just food for thought...

Acratopotes's picture

No you don't hit back.... you

No you don't hit back.... you go to the police and file assault charges immediately with photo's taken by medical staff....

then you nail her ass and she might just loose custody, or the courts might tell her 6 months of anger management...

just imagine the satisfaction of knowing you cause BM to go to anger management classes for six months... wasting her time lol

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

lieutenant_dad's picture

If major disaster strikes,

If major disaster strikes, I'm including BM in any plans because if I don't, DH will do something stupid to save his kids. Both BM and DH will want to protect the boys, and neither is going to give in during a catastrophe. So, I'm going to follow my husband and deal with BM.

Is it my ideal situation? Nope, but I'd rather spend the time I had left with my husband than alone. Even if she were living in my house during a disaster, there would be boundaries with her. Being in close physical proximity wouldn't change the rules of "no, you can't bone my husband" or "yes, it's my house and my rules, so deal with it", and "you'll have to talk to DH about that".

As an FYI, a go-kit will only keep you alive a few days. It's not meant for long-term survival; it's meant to give you enough time for rescue. If Prepper BF is willing to take in you and your DD, and rescue isn't going to be available, a go-kit won't save your DD. It will just prolong the inevitable. I don't mean that to sound harsh or like I'm wishing I'll, I've just done enough FEMA and prep training to know this. If DH has a long-term survival plan that doesn't cost you all money AND saved your DD's life, I'd take it even if it meant spending my time with BM. I wouldn't risk my child to save my ego and pride.

DaizyDuke's picture

Listen, I hate BM as much as

Listen, I hate BM as much as the next person BUT it would be a cold day in hell before I would let my DH run off with BM.(not that he would, but hypothetically) If he was insistent on getting BM or being wherever BM was, you bet your bippy I would be right there with him. Because guess what? He's MY husband, not hers and there is no way I'd slink off on my own with our son, knowing that OUR chances of survival might be drastically reduced, while BM is playing house with MY husband, because I couldn't swallow my pride. Nope.

ღIt's all fun and games until someone doesn't pick up on the sarcasm ღ
ツ I try to act nonchalant but underneath, I am chalant AF ツ

twoviewpoints's picture

You know, if you keep up this

You know, if you keep up this attitude , when and if the biggie comes you may not have the option of running off your direction and taking your daughter. Your ex husband, by then, may have 50/50 custody and it may be his week.

Your daughter will stay/go with Dad, her brother and Auntie BM. Maybe you better pack two bags for your daughter, one for if it's your week and one for if it's Dad's week... just in case. Shocked

simifan's picture

My heart goes out to you.

My heart goes out to you. Your DH has made it very clear that SS will always be the priority. I don't know that I believe he's wrong in that but I do know that I would never live with a man or remain married to a man who had no qualms about leaving me and my child alone in an emergency. I don't think that's something I could ever get over. And to be honest it doesn't sound like you will ever get over it either. Best of luck to you.

"Evil stepmothers are not born, they are made. Apparently you make them from the spines and testicles of Disney dads." - wineisthecure

Willow2010's picture

No way!! This man knows how

No way!! This man knows how you feel about BM but he tells you that if SHTF, you will be living with her? What the actual hell? There is about a .0001 percent chance of those scenarios actually happening so he really could have said something else. I am beginning to think he loves to yank your chain and make you feel insecure or he really is still in love with BM.

I am just floored. I remember when DH and I first started dating…BM was being an idiot and said that she and SS were going to be homeless and could they move in with him for a month or so until she got on her feet. DH told that SS could ALWAYS live with him but she could not. Of course she told him that that would not happen so he was going to be responsible for SS being homeless. DH told her if she actually became homeless and she would not let SS stay with him, he would call every CPS service around plus call a lawyer. Guess what…she never was homeless. Not even close.

Now I would rather put a fire out on my face with a fork than ever spend any time with BM. But if all were dying around me and the only place I could go would be with her, then so be it. But that situation is not likely to EVER happen. And if it did I already have MY own plans. (And I am pretty much a prepper but don’t believe we will have a situation that dire any time soon.)

Your DH is a douche IMHO. I get he is between a rock and a hard spot but he enables BM and SS to dictate his life. If he stood up for himself once in a while, they may get the picture. But he wants to be with BM…again…IMHO.

still learning's picture

Sounds to me like DH and BM

Sounds to me like DH and BM should get back together and reunite their little family. OP can get with the boyfriend who would stick by and protect her in a disaster. Real life *wife swap.*

And now I'll do what's best for me.

Willow2010's picture

Dh told him that we would go

Dh told him that we would go to him figure out what to do next.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And PS...this makes your DH a terrible prepper. lol. We have plans for MANY situations if SHTF. We have central meeting places. Depends on who is where when it all goes down. Ect. All kinds of plans. Even includes my parents and grown kids. He can't wait until after to try and figure out what to do.

DaizyDuke's picture

Can I ask a hypothetical

Can I ask a hypothetical question... since we are talking hypothetical here?

Let's say that you end up leaving DH, so now he has two kids with two different BM's. And let's say the "apocalypse" happens, and he happens to have both kids with him at the time. Will he round up both of you (his exes) and if so which one will he jump to round up first? Puzzled Because we all know in this hypothetical apocalypse situation, he is not going to have time to drive around town or the state or the country rounding up the mother's of his children. So what exactly would his plan be?? Puzzled

ღIt's all fun and games until someone doesn't pick up on the sarcasm ღ
ツ I try to act nonchalant but underneath, I am chalant AF ツ

secret's picture

LOL... dear lord. That's

LOL... dear lord. That's funny... but not.

My bets are that he rounds up BM1 and leaves Laney to make her way to them on her own.

es stört mich nicht

DaizyDuke's picture

Seriously though, I would

Seriously though, I would want to know his answer to this question! That answer would probably determine whether I left or stayed. (although I probably would have high tailed it after the whole Disney trip escapade) Sad

ღIt's all fun and games until someone doesn't pick up on the sarcasm ღ
ツ I try to act nonchalant but underneath, I am chalant AF ツ

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

This. Disney with his ex.

This. Disney with his ex. There would be blood. Both for DH going on a trip with his ex and playing happy family and 2. For taking his ex to Disney when it's a known fact I love that s***! Among other things...

Willow2010's picture

DD…I don’t think her DH has a

DD…I don’t think her DH has a plan. This is what he told his 15 year old when he asked the same question. “Dh told him that we would go to him figure out what to do next.”

Idiot. Sorry but this man gets on my last nerve

Goodluck's picture

Laney, I forgot to say

Laney,

I forgot to say this.

Maybe your counselor realizes what a dip your husband really is AND she/he is teaching you to make a plan to protect you and DD because DIP (your dh) is not going to protect you.

JMO

The second type of triangulation is a cross-generational coalition in which one parent forms a coalition with the child against the other parent. This is the type of triangulation involved in the pathology traditionally called “parental alienation”.

still learning's picture

Nope he didn't and he won't

Nope he didn't and he won't in the future. Laney, you and dd are on your own.

And now I'll do what's best for me.

mommadukes2015's picture

Laney, I don't know if you've

Laney, I don't know if you've ever read any of AJanie's blogs but she is very, very good at self-reflection. This thing with the storm and DH has happened, you can either continue to right fight or you can choose to be happy and move on.

Do you have a right to be upset about it? Sure. But you also have to understand on some level that what your DH did is not outside the realm of reason. You don't have to like it, or agree with it, but you do have to accept it-why? Because it happened. I don't really know what you're getting out of ruminating over it other than cyclically frustrated. DH would have gone with you, but he wanted BM to come so SS would be safe too. You decided that was not going to work for you. Sometimes, we find ourselves in no-win situations, so it begs the question: would you have made the choice you made again knowing what you know now?

That is what you have to figure out going forward. There could be another natural disaster. You may need to relive this. What are you going to do if DH doesn't react favorably? Can you handle that? Would you react differently? If the answer to the latter two is NO then I don't think counseling is going to accomplish much for you.

ESMOD's picture

I think that the expectation

I think that the expectation was that the therapist would crown a winner. In reality, I think the therapist has come closest to saying that her DH's line of thinking was not unreasonable. All that is left is for Laney to decide what she will do with that information and how she will deal with it.

If she divorces her DH then I'm fairly certain that if her DD is with him during the "end of the world" he will take DD with him and SS (probably including BM)... so she may be left out. If she has DD then she will just go her own way (divorced and all that she would be).

If they remain together.. and her SS is with them when it happens.. then it may be likely that he will not go back for BM.. even if SS cries about it.

The problem in the last situation is that SS was WITH BM so... DH had to factor her in.

stepmomfromhell's picture

Just suppose that the op and

Just suppose that the op and dh are going through a divorce and since dh already has a son he would likely want the 2 children to grow up with each other as siblings. And if ss wants to include his bm, I hardly think that bm would be out of the picture and op's dd would end up in the arms of the bm. Op would then be left out of dd's life.

This would be a very hard pill for me to swallow.

I would try and search for another counsellor that can see both sides of the equation.

ESMOD's picture

"No one cares that ss is a

"No one cares that ss is a teenager and could survive on his own if he had to and dd is a toddler" This is from OP's post. The problem is that this is JUST her opinion.

All the counselor is trying to do is to get her to see her DH's position where he felt he had to protect the child that was in less capable hands.

To say. ."well.. SS is a TEENAGER .. he can take care of himself is actually fairly callous and just her opinion.. we have zero idea what SS's capabilities are. Based on some of the skid stories on here.. many Skids are patently incapable of caring for themselves under normal conditions.. not even considering disaster.

So.. yes she is hurt. Her DH understands that and I'm sure that's part of the reason that he went to therapy. Now.. quite a few people on here have the opinion that her DH did what he thought he had to do to protect the child he felt was not in the more capable hands in a disaster (not the same as day to day living btw). That put OP in a position where she had a difficult time, in part due to factors completely out of her DH's control.

So.. she can either hold on to this bone and gnaw away at it as her marriage implodes.. or she can figure out how to understand that her DH has to figure out how he balances his two children.. (he ain't hanging around for BM.. that's just a byproduct and frankly this harping on THAT is most likely causing him to become quite defensive and is counterproductive).

So.. she will NEVER get her DH to say he was WRONG.. he feels he wasn't and his actions were in the realm of reasonable response given his situation and the relative situations of his kids. She will never get him to say that he will cut off his nose to spite his face. ie if faced with seeing BM or abandoning his son.. he will suck it up and see BM. Laney has made it clear that she WILL cut off her nose and she will evacuate separately. In other words.. her hatred for BM outweighs her love for her husband. Her husband is saying his love for his son outweighs his hatred of BM.. so if he has to see her to protect his son.. so be it. He is not excluding his wife.. she is excluding herself.

ESMOD's picture

and.. I believe the kid is

and.. I believe the kid is what.. maybe 13.. 14 by now? Hardly an 18 yo or even a 16yo. The kid is still very much a kid with little life experience. Yeah.. he can wipe his own butt and feed himself.. but he is hardly equivalent to a capable adult.

stepmomfromhell's picture

So if ss is a teen then he

So if ss is a teen then he can understand the gravity of the situation of a hurricane. I'm sure the teen as lived through a few and knows what exactly has to be done in the event of a hurricane. I had friends that grew up in the Caribbean and they know how to prepare with their parents at a very early age, before their teen years. It's not like they were going to be hit with another Katrina like hurricane, which was a freak occurrence.

He should have gone with op out of the area away from the hurricane or prepare and hunker down. And I would advice anyone living in a path where a hurricane would most likely hit, is to get a manual on how to prepare and safeguard the family and home. Maybe op has never had to live in a hurricane prone state.

ESMOD's picture

Well.. apparently BM wouldn't

Well.. apparently BM wouldn't let SS go. it was during her parenting time. This was not SS's choice.

stepmomfromhell's picture

So I guess bm was using the

So I guess bm was using the situation to lure op's dh into her grips, just like she did the Disney trip. I get the impression that the bm isn't completely over the divorce and is still feeling emotionally married to a man that she is legally divorced from.

The dh better learn fast or he could end up loosing a second wife.

Tomatoe's picture

Oh please. Bm has a boyfriend

Oh please. Bm has a boyfriend she just didn't want her son evacuating for whatever reasons. Did you know more people die evacuating then in the actual storms due to car accidents?

secret's picture

wait wait wait. SS was with

wait wait wait.

SS was with BM, and he couldn't go because BM wouldn't let him......

Yet....

Laney said that if SS was with DH, dh wouldn't be able to stop ss from taking off to see mom....

Is mom a massive bodybuilder or something? Did she tie ss down? Is DH a little weakling? Why can BM stop ss from going for dad... but dh can't stop him from going to mom?

Nunh-unh.

If dad's excuse is that he would run to BM because SS wants it that way... all with the justification that ss would just take off and dh wouldn't be able to stop him.... I call TOTAL BULL, because that's exactly what happened on bm's side. SHE sure as sh!t didn't go for dad, and she kept her son with her.

BM did EXACTLY what Laney wants her DH to do. Be the parent in charge and keep you kid with you - stay with your family... BM kept her son and stayed with the BF. Laney just wants DH to realize that's all she (Laney) wanted from DH. Keep his kids and stay with her.

es stört mich nicht

Laney's picture

You have no idea what would

You have no idea what would happen so please stop making stuff up. If it were the end of the world or a major disaster ss would do everything he could to get back to his mother and I don't believe for a second he would fight like that to get to dh. He would protect his mom and if dh found him he would be welcome but his loyalty has always resided with his mother. Dh could physically hold ss down but for how long? 3 days 4? he has to sleep sometime I don't see dh tying ss up so he won't run to save his mother.

secret's picture

You seem not to be

You seem not to be understanding that I'm on YOUR side. Was I wrong in saying that YOU just wanted your DH to have stayed with YOU?

Ok then. Best of luck.

es stört mich nicht

Laney's picture

I'm glad your on my side but

I'm glad your on my side but the way you write things come off rude and not based in reality. Eye-wink No, dh isn't a weakling but he can't hold his child down forever and yes ss would go to his mother no matter what.

ESMOD's picture

In a way the premise of your

In a way the premise of your whole post is not necessarily reality. You are asking about what would happen if the "world ended".. ie apocolypse? Now, there may be some natural disasters etc.. but likely things you will face will be mostly survivable..like evacuating for a hurricane. Plan for more realistic scenarios. Don't get too wrapped up in the unrealistic "what if" scenarios.. or with stuff that is going to happen possibly way off in the future etc.. To a certain extent, dwelling on the negatives will become self fulfilling prophecies to to you. The more you read into things.. the more you will "see" and the more hurt you will subject yourself to.

It's like someone accusing their non-cheating spouse of cheating. Every little thing may seem like a clue when it isn't at all.. so they get all twisted in a knot. That's what you are doing to yourself.

I don't blame you for being upset... but sometimes things that upset us will happen and we have to learn how to deal with our reality. your is that your husband has 2 children.. not just your baby.. which understandably is YOUR primary focus... but it isn't the ONLY focus for your husband.

Laney's picture

You are so right. Sometimes

You are so right. Sometimes it's hard to see but I am mad at dh for not staying with me at the end of the world and the world isn't ending. Stupid huh?

ESMOD's picture

It's not so much "stupid" as

It's not so much "stupid" as probably non-productive for your life. I mean, instead of focusing on the theoretical "bad" that could happen.. we should try to look for ways our spouses DO show value to us.

Basically, if someone says something that can be taken a bad way or a good way and they are supposedly someone good that loves us.. why should we think that they meant it with a bad intent?

I think a much more constructive way forward is to focus on the good that you and your DH have together and in time... come around to figuring out the logistics when situations arise like the storm. right now might not be great due to the raw emotions etc...

I think that your DH also needs to understand (you too) that this is not necessarily a matter of being right or wrong (there can be a whole range of reasonable responses to situations).. but for him to understand that you did get your feelings hurt even though on some level you might understand why someone did something, it doesn't always lessen the fact that it might have hurt your feelings.

Him saying: "I'm sorry you were hurt and I understand how you could have interpreted my actions. My intent was not to cause you pain because I love you and my baby... but I also love my son and did what I thought was best in a bad situation."

DaniellaR's picture

I live in an area frequently

I live in an area frequently hit by hurricanes. We don’t get concerned for anything under a cat 3. I can’t tell you how many tropical storms and weaker hurricanes we have had. A cat 1 would have been considered a minor annoyance.

Tomatoe's picture

A tree fell on his house. So

A tree fell on his house. So it was a dangerous storm.

DaniellaR's picture

LOL! You really do know ahead

LOL! You really do know ahead of time if you have a tree near your home.

Tomatoe's picture

Wow!

Wow!

IDontCare3117's picture

Trees can fall on houses for

Trees can fall on houses for any number of reasons. It doesn't have to be because of a storm. I guess the solution would be not to have any trees near your house.

DaizyDuke's picture

They were in a shelter.. so

They were in a shelter.. so what does a tree falling on their house have to do with anything?

ღIt's all fun and games until someone doesn't pick up on the sarcasm ღ
ツ I try to act nonchalant but underneath, I am chalant AF ツ

notsurehowtodeal's picture

"Dh told him that we would go

"Dh told him that we would go to him figure out what to do next." Did DH mean DH and SS would go to BM's boyfriend and figure out what to do next? Has it occurred to DH that boyfriend may not want to help DH? Boyfriend may be willing to take care of BM's son, but not her ex. DH could find himself on the wrong side of the bunker door.

StepUltimate's picture

Our bug-out plan is in place

Our bug-out plan is in place & DH is 100% clear HE would not aid or help BM in a bug-out situ... she's an evil, selfish, con-artist liar who would play Judas in any Survival situ, and probably get everyone killed. Seriously. I just listened to that and agreed in my heart, glad not to have even asked.

strugglingSM's picture

So, your counselor didn't try

So, your counselor didn't try to get your DH to understand how you could be hurt that he was choosing to be with BM and his child with BM, instead of you and his child with you? I can see the counselor wanted to get you to see his side, but would also expect that she'd try to get him to see your side. Did the counselor ask him to explain why he felt BM couldn't protect his son and ask him if he felt that way, why didn't he fight for full custody?

I asked DH recently, what we would do in the event of a disaster. I told him that if I knew in advance that a disaster was coming to where we live, I would probably try to get to my parents house (on the other side of the country) far in advance. He said he would go to get his kids first...fair enough, but I told him that BM wouldn't let them go, so what would he do. He said he'd just take them and too bad for her. I pointed out that at least one SS wouldn't leave his mom, DH said, he wouldn't give him a choice, he'd just force him to leave. We ended the conversation at that point, because clearly we weren't making any headway. I know in my case, DH has no intentions of saving BM, but assumes she will just let him save his children without her. Let's hope we never have to find out.

My SSs do live in a hazard area. If anything happened to their house, we'd take them in, but I would not take BM in, she'd have to find her own accommodation.

whoaminow's picture

Did you tell the counselor

Did you tell the counselor about the Disney trip? Would be curious to what she has to say about that?

stepmomfromhell's picture

I wonder what night life was

I wonder what night life was like after hours and what they were doing during their evening hours.... Was there adult time?????

Dovina's picture

I agree. The Disney trip is

I agree. The Disney trip is an important element for the counsellor to know. It gives history of the dynamics of them all

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result" ~ Albert Einstein

Curious Georgetta's picture

How much should your husband

How much should your husband love his son? The answer is a much as he loves his daughter. No parent should be expected to leave one child in harms way to protect another. The reasonable parent finds a solution where he/she can protect all of their children.
If you thought that his presence was critical to the safety of your daughter, then your actions said that your hatred of his ex was greater than your concern for your daughter's safety.

You have an absolute right to feel whatever but your huso demonstrated the more mature decision making.

Laney's picture

Yes the counselor knows about

Yes the counselor knows about Disney. She asked a bunch of questions about it and then asked me what I would have done had it been me and my child with my ex and then when I told her she would tell me that wouldn't work. She said she believes dh handled the situation with grace and maturity. I'm looking for a new counselor but dh said he won't go and I can't shop around till I find one who agrees with me.

Acratopotes's picture

Hon - no counselor are going

Hon - no counselor are going to agree with you, I am sorry and I wish I could sit down with you and have a stern talk with you over a glass of wine,

DH is not interested in his Ex wife, not with what you posted, Yes he is concerned about his other son with BM, cause she's a floozy and not a strong woman like you, he knows DD is safe in your hands... SS is not safe with his mother. Dh always give you the option to go with him instead of flying off on your own..

Hon you married a guy with a history, you are not going to have you little happy family you dreamed about as a child, you will have to learn how to compromise

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

Laney's picture

I know this but I can't wrap

I know this but I can't wrap my brain around it. Our family doesn't come first and that is a horrible feeling. Last night dh I asked dh if neither kid had a parent with them and disaster struck who would he get first and he said whoever he was closest to and then fight like hell to get to the other. I believe that but as a parent you want to hear your spouse say our baby comes first. I just hate knowing I am on my own if the worst happens.

ESMOD's picture

"I know this but I can't wrap

"I know this but I can't wrap my brain around it. Our family doesn't come first and that is a horrible feeling"

Unfortunately.. THIS is what you need to work on in therapy.. and probably without your DH. Your problem isn't really with him, but with your own perceptions.

Your DH has a son.. and that son is also part of his family (so family is a priority). He is going to prioritize the relative needs of his family members balanced with things like proximity and ability to help. He is trying to apply his best logic to a situation which is less than perfect.

What you are asking is that you and your baby be put in front of his other biological child.. carte Blanche. In families..sometimes one person will come first at one time or another due to circumstances. Now, if you find that your DH is telling you that he will not go to the hospital to give blood for a transfusion for your baby because he wants to take his son out for ice cream instead??? THEN you have an issue.

mommadukes2015's picture

If you do ever have another

If you do ever have another child, just imagine answeimg that question yourself when you have to choose between your kids.

Steppedonnomore's picture

I think this is what you need

I think this is what you need to focus on in counselling. You want your child to come first with DH because she comes first with you, nothing wrong with wanting that. But, your DH has 2 children that he loves equally. Try to imagine if you had 2 children who were in different places when disaster struck. What would you do? Which child would you be willing to potentially sacrifice in order to try to save the other? Impossible decision, right? Yet, that is what you've asked your DH to do. This is the reality of marrying a man who already had a child.

DaizyDuke's picture

if DH is soooo concerned with

if DH is soooo concerned with BM being incompetent, then he should be fighting for custody not using BM's incompetency as a cop out to chase after her and SS while leaving his wife and other child to fend for themselves.

ღIt's all fun and games until someone doesn't pick up on the sarcasm ღ
ツ I try to act nonchalant but underneath, I am chalant AF ツ

Puzzled9401's picture

Could your DH ever be

Could your DH ever be convinced to signing over his rights to DD? I’m sorry but if it was me in your shoes I would just want out.

Laney's picture

No. Dh is a great dad to dd

No. Dh is a great dad to dd he would die before he gave her up.

Puzzled9401's picture

Well he didn’t seem to

Well he didn’t seem to concerned about her when she was in the hospital?

Laney's picture

He was he just wasn't going

He was he just wasn't going to drive through a tropical storm to get there. I can see how I over reacted on that.

Cooooookies's picture

I'd be gone already.

I'd be gone already. Seriously. If my DH left me and our child alone while trying to save SS and go be with BM2, I'd be gone. I don't care the reason. All I would see is that in crunch time, when sh*t is hitting the fan...he has no problem leaving me and our child in danger while being with the 'first family'.

Nope. No man on the planet is worth the pain and embarrassment I would feel.

"I do think it's the BM who sets the tone for the relationship. If she's controlling, hasn't moved on, or makes everything into a competition for time and resources then the SM is in for some drama." ~strugglingSM