DirtyDiane's picture

BM Makes Offer to DH

Yesterday DH texted BM to let her know that he has made an appointment for SD with a counselor. She responded back to say that she hopes the therapist tells DH that two homes is too many for SD like they told her. Mind you, BM took SD to one therapy appointment about 7 months ago. I doubt the counselor was able to really make any kind of determination about SD during that one visit. BM sent a few more texts, basically telling DH that SD only acts up after she spends time at our house, SD doesn't like our house, BM is going to do everything in her power to make sure that SD is in one primary home during the week once she starts kindergarten, things like that.

BM later texts DH and says that if he agrees to let SD stay at her house all week and go to the elementary school in her school district, she will agree to drop all CS. That cracked me up. Sure, the woman who just last week threatened to up DHs child support is now saying she will forget about it all together. Yea right BM.

Tomatoe's picture

Don't agree. She can change

Don't agree. She can change her mind. If 2 homes are to many dh should tell her he refuses to cave and so sd should live with him.

DirtyDiane's picture

Funny, that's exactly what I

Funny, that's exactly what I told him to say to her. That if she thinks two houses is too many he will gladly be the CP. BM would never agree to that though.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Yeah don't fall for that crap

Yeah don't fall for that crap and since you have it in text keep it for the next court case. The judge will enjoy seeing it.

No two families aren't too much if the parents work together to make it work. It seems here BM is trying to make sure it doesn't. If you guys slide now it wont be long before SD is never involved in your life. Make sure your partner gets to speak to the therapist also and point out the possible PA starting here.

Some days are hard but you just fight through them to get to the good ones.

DirtyDiane's picture

Yes, you are so right. I

Yes, you are so right. I have no doubt that it can be stressful on a child to have two homes, but that is the reality of this situation. I think if BM could find a way to work with DH, or even a way to just not work against him like she does, it would be far easier on SD.

justkeepstepping's picture

In my experience with both my

In my experience with both my son and my skids...

The house they're are acting up at is the house they don't want to be at. We went through it with all 3 kids. DS hated it at his BD's house. He was a total ass to them when he was forced to go. We found out later why. SS always acted terrible with BM after being with us. SD was always acting up at our house, but was an angel for BM.

Hey, look. "Es-ca-pay". I wonder what that means? That's funny, it's spelled just like the word "escape."

moving_on_again's picture

BM's skids got a restraining

BM's skids got a restraining order on her (that's a whole other story) but we were at the hearing (for SO's restraining order on her) and SO and I had to pick up our jaws from the floor hearing to what BM and her husband testified as to the skid's behavior. It was shocking. We were still exercising 50/50 at that point and we had never had the skids act like the ways they were describing at our house. It was like a free for all. BM said she had to "quit her job" because they were so bad.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I love how your BM just keeps

I love how your BM just keeps giving you guys more and more evidence to use against her.

"Oh, so you think going between houses is bad for your daughter AND you hope her dad dies so that you don't have to deal with it anymore? Oh, and you're mother is caring for her on your time because you 'work' so much? Well, how about we make it REALLY easy for you to spend as little time interacting with your ex-husband as possible. I award full custody to..."

*insert BM's evil little smirk here*

"...the father, with mother having standard visitation every other weekend and holidays."

DirtyDiane's picture

That would be great. Fingers

That would be great. Fingers crossed that will end up happening. DHs lawyer told him she thinks there's a good possibility of him getting increased custody time due to her actions. His lawyer is dumbfounded that BM puts the things that she does in text messages that can be used against her later.

nengooseus's picture

I don't doubt that some quack

I don't doubt that some quack of a counselor told her that having two homes was too hard for the kid. Therapists--especially for younger kids--are often full of sh*t in my experience.

BM got one for SD, who was 7 or 8 at the time. She was under explicit instruction not to see SS, who was 3. This quack not only saw SS, but had him sitting in SD's *weekly* sessions. She had both kids attending "group therapy," too, where if the kids didn't wear a belt to group, they didn't get snack. I never understood that. And there was never a diagnosis or treatment plan, it was just that SD was "so sad." (DH pulled both kids from that ASAP)

I had DD see one--she was 5 or 6 and having some behavior issues--who told me that she would diagnose DD with whatever I wanted her to. (We didn't go back)

My skids are older now, and mandated in the CO to see another therapist who I wouldn't call a quack, but she certainly isn't doing anything, either. But if our BM offered no CS and reduced visitation, I'd be in! I know that's horrible, but she's so HC that I can't even deal with her BS anymore, and the skids are awful, too.

MoominMama's picture

I don't believe BM.

I don't believe BM. Therapists/counsellors just don't say such things. If parents are divorced then the kid is going to have 2 homes. Fact.

Fight on and let her give you stuff to use against her. She is Toxic and bad for her daughter.

Goodluck's picture

What is the goal here with

What is the goal here with taking a 4 year old to a counselor?

What behaviors is this child presenting?

The second type of triangulation is a cross-generational coalition in which one parent forms a coalition with the child against the other parent. This is the type of triangulation involved in the pathology traditionally called “parental alienation”.

DirtyDiane's picture

So in March of this year she

So in March of this year she was being really aggressive. She was hitting, kicking, spitting, cussing at people and calling names. All of that behavior stopped and things seemed like they were really improving.

In the last month, she has started not listening, talking back, doing things at school like dancing on tables and telling teacher she isn't doing any of her school work.

I think DH is worried that things happening with BM are going to start impacting SD. SD has been telling DH that BM tells him how much she hates DH all the time. That BM, her boyfriend, and her sister at BMs house say mean things about me and DH to her all the time. Obviously, we don't know if these things are true. But considering how BM talks to DH, it isn't too unbelievable.

WTF...REALLY's picture

This is going to be hard for

This is going to be hard for the next decade. When a BM is determined to get a child to hate a SM and thier own dad...well....it effects the child and a huge part of them listens to the Mom. They want to please the Mom.

No easy answers to your situation.

nengooseus's picture

You're in a very similar

You're in a very similar place to where DH and I were with SS when he was 5. PP is right, this is typical of a child stuck in a loyalty bind. She wants to please BM (because that's what kid want to do!), and the best way she knows to do that is to be ugly to you and her dad. The acting out behavior is the symptom of the greater problem. (It's also helped by terrible parenting from BM, I'm sure.)

It will be difficult for even a good therapist to help. Recognizing the reality (i.e. that BM is horrible and making kiddo feel this way) is hard in the 45 minutes at a time that they see the kids.

SS PASd out for almost a year. We were able to have him seen by a semi-competent therapist who got visits re-started. He still strongly prefers BM, but it's better than it was.

Maybe you should do a trial of reduced PT and no CS?

I love dogs's picture

You're kidding with your last

You're kidding with your last statement right? I think dad needs primary custody. But oh, make BM's life easier by giving her more time that she obviously isn't using to parent. Besides, BM can always decide that she needs CS later and she has probably already changed her mind about that.

nengooseus's picture

I'm not kidding at all. If

I'm not kidding at all. If you think that a NCP is going to get custody of a child because of PA--at least like Diane's describing--you're sorely mistaken. PA is the dirty secret of the legal establishment, and no one cares!

This kid is going to have a terrible BM for her entire life. There's virtually nothing that anyone can do about it. Why keep getting frustrated about it?

As far as the CS issue? If they had an agreement to waive CS, something would have to change for CS to be ordered. And it looks just as bad for BM that she would offer as it does for OP's DH to accept.

I love dogs's picture

Dad currently has 50/50 so I

Dad currently has 50/50 so I don't understand your argument. BM is the one digging herself into a pit.

Pharlap's picture

There are a couple of SM's on

There are a couple of SM's on here who's DH has full custody because of PAS. Walkonby is one that I remember. I think there are a couple of others (or were, not sure if they survived the mass purge).

It's still rare but not impossible.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Yeah...my hubby has full

Yeah...my hubby has full custody. BM has zero.

DirtyDiane's picture

BM would never actually agree

BM would never actually agree to no CS. She used to always tell DH he only wanted time with SD to get out of paying CS. Which is crazy because he pays her 550 a month in CS, pays almost $500 a month for her school, and pays for her insurance. And that is with SD being at our house 50% of the time. I really think that was BM trying to be slick and getting DH to say "okay, sure!" and then having a lawyer use it to prove he only wants SD to get out of CS.

Also, DH wants to be a part of SDs life. He knows that if he steps aside and isn't around like he is now BM will completely alienate him from SDs life.

Goodluck's picture

Dirtydiane thanks.

Dirtydiane

thanks.

The second type of triangulation is a cross-generational coalition in which one parent forms a coalition with the child against the other parent. This is the type of triangulation involved in the pathology traditionally called “parental alienation”.

notasm3's picture

My DH's second wife (not BM)

My DH's second wife (not BM) lost custody of her son to her first DH because of extreme PAS. She was a church going person with a professional job who did not smoke, drink or do drugs. No criminal activity either. But the judge finally got fed up with her many, many transgressions and gave the father full custody.

Dh didn't talk about it too much, but I've read some of the court records online. He did say that she was miserable to live with after that. And this was a good 15 years ago in a small Southern state.

"Education is not the filling of a pail, but rather the lighting of a fire." William Butler Yeats

Goodluck's picture

WOW glad to hear that a

WOW glad to hear that a Judge took pathogenic parenting seriously. Its a monster and it is child abuse confirmed.

The second type of triangulation is a cross-generational coalition in which one parent forms a coalition with the child against the other parent. This is the type of triangulation involved in the pathology traditionally called “parental alienation”.

still learning's picture

I'd be willing to give in to

I'd be willing to give in to her to a certain extent to keep the peace and reduce court costs and lawyer fees. Battling these things out in court only benefit the lawyers and put their kids through college instead of yours.
There are so many ways to do 50/50 joint custody w/out one week on one week off type of thing. BM could have her M-TH and DH have her F-S dropping her off at school. Days could be made up during summer and holidays.

If both parties are willing to bend a bit it won't break the bank.

And now I'll do what's best for me.

I love dogs's picture

I doubt a controlling BM

I doubt a controlling BM would give up every weekend. And I doubt her selfish ass is going to go out without a bang.

DirtyDiane's picture

Agreed. I think her offer was

Agreed. I think her offer was completely fake and a way to trick DH and prove her theory that he only ever wanted SD to get out of CS.

DirtyDiane's picture

I get what you're saying and

I get what you're saying and I agree in a way. But BM in our case doesn't want any kind of 50/50 arrangement. She has always wanted DH to have SD EOW, in her words "like the norm" and maybe a dinner visit in the middle of the week.

And to be honest, I really don't want her to be at our house literally every weekend.

I love dogs's picture

It's sad that only EOWE is

It's sad that only EOWE is the norm for dads. This is the BM who said something along the lines of she can't wait until dad dies, yes?

DirtyDiane's picture

Yep, she's the one. She's a

Yep, she's the one. She's a sweetheart lol.

I love dogs's picture

Our BM was crazy during the

Our BM was crazy during the custody battle but even she wasn't stupid enough to say something that evil!

I love dogs's picture

Our BM was crazy during the

Our BM was crazy during the custody battle but even she wasn't stupid enough to say something that evil!

still learning's picture

Hopefully you can find an

Hopefully you can find an arrangement that semi works for everyone Eye-wink ...especially sd.

And now I'll do what's best for me.

DirtyDiane's picture

That would be great. I

That would be great. I really hope BM can become less high conflict in the next few years as SD gets older. It would be great for everyone involved.