redhairedsm's picture

RedhairedSM -GOT OUT OF STEPHELL UPDATE!

Leaving was the best thing to do. Wanted to update you on my progress and say "AMEN" to Steptalk members that helped me see the light. Been a few months since I moved into my own place and left STBAXH. He is still trying to HOOVER me - I have learned to ignore. Not going back to that life.

Been enjoying all the things I things I had on my list to enjoy alone:
YOGA
Al-Anon meetings,
visited with Psychic
filling my sunroom with beautiful plants
setting up a yoga studio in the spare bedroom
actively studying for my personal trainer's license
hanging out with old friends
STOPPED DRINKING - on day 23 (oh my)
going to bed early and rising early to watch the sunrise

That's just a few of the things I can remember! LOL Thank you all again!

DaniAM73's picture

Congratulations to you!!!!

Congratulations to you!!!! You only have one life to live.

sportslover's picture

Great news! Will get better

Great news! Will get better and better, too!

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Yay!!!!! Hugs.

Yay!!!!! Hugs.

Acratopotes's picture

Great news.....!!!!! now are

Great news.....!!!!!

now are you ever going to date a divorced dad with brats again Evil
what's the warning signs you will look out for....
total no drinking or just simply enjoying the occasional glass of wine while looking at the sunset?

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

redhairedsm's picture

@acra - No divorced Dad's so

@acra -

No divorced Dad's so no warning signs to read...LOL!!!

Totally no drinking. Decided I was self soothing a bit too much. I will drink again but want a very clear head to
heal properly. Sticking out tongue

Acratopotes's picture

let me tell you... unmarried

let me tell you...

unmarried guy of 35+ with no children has mummy issues.... that's worse then X wife and skids..... dang I dated a guy once... and when I asked him if we could go to the movies he said yes great.. he pitched with Mummy and she choose what we watched, ate, drank and sat in the middle... I had other plans lol..... If you asked him to come over for dinner - have to ask Mum if she's free.... 2 dates nothing more lol...

nah take the booze break i did as well.... now I'm enjoying my occasional glass of wine or beer

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

hereiam's picture

Sounds great, RedhairedSM, I

Sounds great, RedhairedSM, I am glad you are doing so well!

momjkm's picture

Did you have a specific

Did you have a specific breaking point? I am headed to counseling today to start couples therapy with my DH. He's a great guy until it comes to his 2 adult sons. Oh yeah and their devil wives. Then he turns into an asshole. I did not sign up for this. Trying to accept the fact that I may have to move on with my life at some point. Your post caught my eye...

redhairedsm's picture

@momjkm - I had two but got

@momjkm - I had two but got HOOVERED back in the first time and it is painfully detailed here:

https://www.steptalk.org/node/240546

redhairedsm's picture

I will add the STBXAH - has

I will add the STBXAH - has removed all photos and items of his children from the main area of the home (keeps their doors closed) and refuses to call or text them - only speaking to his once favorite daughter when she calls him. He also refuses to tell her he loves her when she says it to him. What a Narcissist! And I was the co-dependent. Also impossible to see when you are in it - but EVERYONE else does. His mother called me since I have some of her items that were accidentally mixed in the kitchen stuff. Once she started on how she was so upset with his behavior I stopped the convo and hung up.

This is in retaliation for them wanting to move and moving with their mother 5.5 hours away almost three months ago (she is the custodian parent and is from there originally). There is a current open court case and trial scheduled for December. He told me he didn't want them back only wants to show the judge he is "fighting" for them and to lower his child support!

His energy almost killed the person I was meant to be.

thinkthrice's picture

KUDOS!

KUDOS!

Author of "The Guilty Parent Trap"--Amazon Kindle

momjkm's picture

Wow you dealt with a lot.

Wow you dealt with a lot. Different horse than mine, but still step hell. I am very happy for you that you got out. I hope I can resolve my issues before it gets to that point but if not I am prepared to move on. Step life is not for me.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Way to go, keep that chin up

Way to go, keep that chin up and keep centered; sounds like you already have a great handle on things.

Ain't going to lie- skids make me want to poke myself in the eye

redhairedsm's picture

Cut a tie today that needed

Cut a tie today that needed to be severed with ex. Transferred his iPhone, phone number and iPad off my business account to his own. He was dragging his feet. Finally told him I was going to cancel them and he would lose his number. Evil

One Day At A Time....

twoviewpoints's picture

You are doing wonderful. So

You are doing wonderful. So nice to hear you're doing well.

You sound happy. And I'm very happy for you. Smiling

MurphysLaw's picture

You are my hero! Congrats!

You are my hero!
Congrats!

"...you know what? Now I have my boundaries drawn, and tbh if anything better came up, he's lost the absolute loyalty I would have felt."
SMForever

"I'm just biding my time..."
M.C.M.

blueskies4me's picture

Congratulations!

Congratulations!

Not my kid, not my problem!

ldvilen's picture

Curious to know, what did the

Curious to know, what did the psychic say?

Best thing for step-mom to do at weddings--either go looking like Sofía Vergara in a red dress and play the flaming 2nd wife to the max., or avoid the whole thing and plan a spa day with friends, people who actually care about you.

redhairedsm's picture

@Idvilen - the psychic was

@Idvilen - the psychic was on the mark about a lot- all I gave her was my birthdate. This is year five - the Hierophant year which is about learning life lessons. She said my lesson was revolved around ending a relationship. I didn't comment just let her go on. My birthday is in a few weeks and she said year 6 will be the year of lovers for me. She said I will spend the year finding myself.

She did the reading of my cards. Luxury card came up, Goddess card, - she said I was in a health living space and was doing well. This was pretty crazy. The card that was to represent him ( which she said before she turned it over) was the Cruelty card. Swords all the way. Sad

At the end of the reading I did explain a bit of my situation and asked her if she could make my path away from him easier and cut the psychic ties. Woo Woo I know. So......

She is coming over this weekend to clear the energy in my condo and to do an Extraction of all his negative energy from me since he is a narcissist in the most major of ways and we were together 4 years. I am a believer in positive and negative energy. She will be here for 1.5 - 2 hours. $65 Even if it is psychosomatic on my part - I'll take it.

I like her on a personal level, she is very interesting. We are going to have lunch after. Smiling

ldvilen's picture

Psychics get a bad rap, and

Psychics get a bad rap, and some certainly should. But, sometimes you just need a friendly ear to give you a different perspective. And, since many of us don't have a bucket full of friends that are also SPs and even bad counseling can cost $300/hour, yeah going to a psychic for some support may not be all that bad of a thing.

I have an interesting story re: a psychic I went to shortly after one horrible eye-opening experience re: being a SM. This psychic was very normal and kind and knew how to read people well. She went on and on about my future. She did pick up on that DH and I were having some issues. When I told her what had happened recently and what I was upset about and that I was a SM, she had a lot of empathy because she was a SM too, and she said she didn't feel what went down was right. She said she would have been upset too. That was something I had never gotten from anyone else, and she gave me the courage to finally go see a counselor, and I was lucky and got a good one who understood the SP role.

Anyway, the psychic wasn't that accurate about anything else, but she was well worth every penny I paid her. Maybe there was some other-worldly power involved there after all, because she told me just what I needed to hear at that time, and I had to drive quite a way to see her, and she just happened to be a SM. A year or so down the road, once I felt better about some of this, I got the abalone shell, and sage, and feather and burnt the sage banishing bad spirits from my home too. I think it helped. You can never discount just having the feeling that it helped. Good story, but maybe a little sad that one of the few places a SM can get much empathy from is from a psychic vs. her own DH or family or friends, or clergy, or even counselors, most of whom just tend to say, "You need to suck it up and take it."

Best thing for step-mom to do at weddings--either go looking like Sofía Vergara in a red dress and play the flaming 2nd wife to the max., or avoid the whole thing and plan a spa day with friends, people who actually care about you.