My stepdaughter is ruining my marriage
Sorry if this is long....
So my husband and I have been married for 4 years and have had custody of his daughter for 3. At first everything was great until 2 years ago. She is 11.
She always gets her way and No one in his family tells her no, including my hubby. All she does is argue and not listen and just has to butt into every conversation. She cries and throws temper tantrums if she doesn't get her way or is asked to do something even if it's just cleaning up her dirty clothes.
I have tried to talk to hubby, but he always takes her side. She throws a fit if we tell her to go outside and play. All she does is sit on her phone, in front of the tv and eat. He won't even enforce chores, which means I am also her maid. She is overweight, her and I wear the same size. I have told him to limit how much she eats and what she eats. She just cried if she can't have junk food or eat whenever she wants. She is always starting fights with my hubby and I. He has already said that if I don't take care of her and if I don't do everything for her and if I argue with her then I can pack my bags and leave. She is constantly lying, and of course he believes her.
I am to the point where I don't speak to her or engage her, because she will just manipulate the situation. She is lazy and dirty, she refuse to bath, and if I ask her to shower it's a huge blowout. She even still leaves marks in her underwear and refuses to use toilet paper. She never brushes her teeth or brushes her hair. All my hubby does is baby her and makes excuses for her. It is ruining my marriage. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help. Please no negative comments please.
Your husband has given you
Your husband has given you two choices: be her personal servant and maid and never tell her what to do and always do what she wants, and always believe her - or leave. That tells you everything you need to know.
I don't know what else you can do. Most people here will tell you to "disengage" - do nothing for her and ask nothing of her. Let your DH deal with all of her needs and wants. It sounds like you have tried to do that and he told you to leave.
You might try leaving for a period of time. Let him deal with her on his own and see if he comes to appreciate your efforts. If there is an honest change in the household, it might become possible for you to return and stay.
Personally, if my DH gave me that choice - I'd leave.
Thank you notsurehowtodeal. I
Thank you notsurehowtodeal. I was leaning towards that. I am so in love with him and it kills me to have to leave him. But I understand that it is never going to change, and I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in my own house. I really appreciate you advice.
You have no children of this
You have no children of this marriage correct? If no, count your blessings at this time.
I agree with notsurehowtodeal......
Also,
If part of you thinks you made a mistake by getting married....it's ok to feel and think that way. We all make mistakes some big and some tiny.
Take some time to decide WHAT and HOW you want your life to look like next month, next year and in the future. Can you be relatively happy from now until dead just the way things are. No day dreams allowed for this exercise ONLY reality.
IF you decide no, I can not live like this. Then it is time to say to your parents and close friends. I made a mistake and I am getting a divorce.
Then take a few sessions with a counselor and work on what YOU must do to avoid this in the future.
OR:
Can your husband take parenting classes? Would he? IF he would, I bet he would turn thing around very quickly.
Best wishes....and hang in there. It WILL work out.
"He has already said that if
"He has already said that if I don't take care of her and if I don't do everything for her and if I argue with her then I can pack my bags and leave."
Your jack ass husband has made it crystal what your position in the home is. Now you have to figure out why you love this ass more than you love yourself.
It is not your SD ruining
It is not your SD ruining your marriage, it is your husband. The other comments are spot on as well. I don't ever recommend just "getting out" but you have no boundaries right now and you are allowing these things to go on, because ultimately you feel as if your DH has you over a barrel, so that you feel forced to do what he wants in order to continue your marriage. You do not have to stay.
He does not get to set all the rules. Marriage is a union of rules and compromises made together for the best interest of the marriage. I know you feel he is strong arming you and yet what you feel as the security of the marriage is pulling you to stay. That is not your only choice and the love you have for yourself must be a factor in your decision. I don't know you....maybe your self esteem has always been low. If you know this, though, you can work on it. You start by putting your needs in an elevated position. You start by deciding what you will and will not tolerate. Period. The hardest thing, I have found, is identifying what is real, what is the truth.
There is always an option for happiness but you must know first what makes you happy...
Thank you all. I haven't
Thank you all. I haven't really looked at it from these stand points. I have always been a strong, confident, and independent woman who loves herself endlessly. I had to have a hysterectomy at 25 for health reasons, so no kids. He refuses parenting classes because he sees nothing wrong. I am just suppose to do everything. Maybe I need to take a step back and reevaluate things.
" He has already said that if
" He has already said that if I don't take care of her and if I don't do everything for her and if I argue with her then I can pack my bags and leave."
Your Sd is not ruining your marriage. But your DH sent it to h*ll in a handbasket.
So why have you not packed your bags and left? I'm not sure what changed from the days of dating and the first couple years of marriage to when things went sour a couple years ago. Was it perhaps always this way and you were just trying to go with the flow and 'please' hoping thinking would get better? Because for a father to be this crappy with an eleven year old, I can't bring myself to think he was any better of one 3, 4 or 5yrs ago.
This young terror in training has been geared towards this behavior for a long long time. She's a product of her parenting and upbringing. She is exactly the way her mother and father raised her to be.
I'm not even going to suggest marriage counseling as it will do no good. Nope. Not with you blaming the child and your DH informing you to suck it up or get out. There's nothing to save. This isn't a marriage and you're not a wife...you're the unpaid hired help.
You have to be a kind and
You have to be a kind and generous lady who loves your husband very much to have stayed in this situation. But, you have your husband to blame here. HE in not the catch, you are, you have no children and you do not deserve being threatened and controlled by a husband.
Just leave this torment behind you; you are too great for this.... you'll love somebody who treats you better so much more one day....it will get easier every day after to make this move.
Your husband will never find a woman willing to be a slave to his daughter! He will learn this sooner than later, given they way he has treated you.
Don't get me wrong, he is an
Don't get me wrong, he is an amazing husband when it is just him and I. But when it comes to his daughter she is so manipulative and knows what to say and do to start problems. She constantly lies about things I say, and plays my hubby against me. I tried telling him, she is 11 you have to set boundaries and rules. She is overweight and just sits on her butt all day everyday. God forbid someone told her to go out and play. I think he thinks that if he tells her no or puts his foot doan she will say she hates him or doesn't love him and I think it kills him to think that. Everyone her whole life has never told her no or set boundaries. Everyone says oh she is just a kid or she is just being a kid. Grrr I am so frustrated.
An amazing husband would not
An amazing husband would not tell his wife to accept the crap or get out.
Nothing you posted about this dude screams amazing husband or father.
Your husband is treating you
Your husband is treating you like a child and his child like his wife. He is setting up the classic SM vs. SK battle that can easily last a lifetime. And, unfortunately, society will blame you, SM for this, for not sucking it up and taking it year after year after year.
There should be no competition, because you are his wife and his child is his child. Those are two completely different roles. He should be treating you like his spouse and his child like his child. Children don't get to control a household or anyone in that household ever. If your DH can't see this, then he is setting up both you and his daughter for failure. Love does not = letting your child do whatever he or she wants and giving into threats. It is lazy parenting and the future consequences will be high.
I would be gone in a second.
I would be gone in a second.
Don't think this will end when she is an adult and that you will have your freedom. I did not meet my OSD until she was 27 years old. After some ridiculous behavior out of her, DH confirmed she had never been told no growing up and was raised that the world revolved around her. So now she is a bully who punishes people when they don't do what she wants. For year my DH was happy to do what she wanted because he was afraid of her.
Your SD isn't even a teenager yet! It's hard enough when your bio children are teens, much less fat slovenly disobedient stepchildren that your spouse does not parent.
Your DH is telling you that your voice in your home does not matter. I agree with Disney's statement of why do you love this man more than you love yourself. I would tell him that you both need to go to counseling to get on the same page. If he refuses, you have your answer.
After reading the responses I
After reading the responses I did have a sit down with DH. I told him I don't feel valued and that things needed to change. He heard me out on my concerns and listened to the examples I gave. He was quiet for a moment, and then, to my surpeise, he said you know what you are right. I have been giving in and trying to be her friend instead of a parent. He also agreed to start counseling with me, which I am thrilled. He said that if we don't correct the behaviour now, she will only get worse and have no respect when she gets older. I was amazed. We will see if he sticks with it. He actually apologized. I have to thank all of you so much. If I never would have posted, it would have gotten worse. I will definitely keep y'all updated and see if progress actually happens. We even made her a chore chart and a consequence chart. I am really at a loss for words right now lol. Whoever thought a group of strangers would help my life. Thank you all so much. I will post on Wednesday and let you know an update.
He is right that if he
He is right that if he doesn't act, the behaviour will get worse. Well done for confronting this head on and asking for change. I hope it works out for you and your DH.
I would stop buying foods you
I would stop buying foods you don't want her to eat. I would also cancel cable and internet.
I don't know your backstory
I don't know your backstory or the extent of what goes on behind closed doors, but I am divorcing my DW under similar circumstances. Have you tried marriage counseling? Bring your DH- maybe can help him gain some perspective in a non-confrontational way from an objective third party. Perhaps through counseling you can come to a compromise that works for both of you. You have to present a united front in front of your SD otherwise she'll catch on and continue to manipulate the heck out of your DW. You may also want to consider bringing your SD to counseling as well. It didn't work for us for a myriad of reasons but I'd at least give it a shot before throwing in the towel. Good luck and keep us posted!
It's not your SD ruining your
It's not your SD ruining your marriage, it's your lazy and disrespectful husband that's the problem! Kids don't act that way generally unless the parenting is poor and that's down to your husband. Further, how can you allow yourself to be treated that way?
You deserve to be a priority in someone's life and that clearly is not going to happen with your husband. Divorce him and move on - once you get over the initial bump of change you will never look back!
"He has already said that if
"He has already said that if I don't take care of her and if I don't do everything for her and if I argue with her then I can pack my bags and leave." :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
Your marriage is over. In fact you don't even have a marriage and with this kind of toxic crap drooling out of your husband's mouth you never have had one. Dump this turd and his shallow and polluted gene pool and move on. Find someone who will value you as their equity life partner.
Seriously. Dump this prick and his F--- trophy.
Take care of you.
The day my DH tells me I have
The day my DH tells me I have to do xyz or pack my bags is the day I pack HIS bags, put them outside, and change the locks. Oh HELL no.
Your husband is not taking you seriously and is not treating you as his partner. You are there for his convenience.
I’m super in love with my DH
I’m super in love with my DH to but my ss who will be 18 shortly who I have helped raise since he was 3 is ruining my marriage too. My reason for it leaving right now is my husband is an awesome daddy to our daughter. He parents her with me and we are on the same page. With my ss it’s a totally different story. He is his friend and the kid can do no wrong. And let me tell you he has done a helluva lot of wrong. I always think to myself that if we ever had our daughter I would be out of there in a heartbeat. Simply because my ss gets away with everything. I don’t have the answer but honestly I would at least hunk about separating for a time period. Allow yourself that peace without being made to be the maid in your own home. I know ya easier said then done but If you have famil yand friendsnuiy can stay with for a while I would. Suggest counseling. If he DH refuses then you know where you stand. My DH does counseling with me and thebthing is he wants to to work he needs to get over his own issues. Does your DH want this marriage to work? Is he willing to do that? Or is it that you are just expected to work.