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What's In A Name?

SMBlues's picture

Happy Saturday all. I am curious. What does everyone's skids call you? No real names need to be given, but I've noticed that my Skids call me nothing. Not that I expect them to call me mom. But we were in the car a few weeks ago and OSS asked a question. His dad answered and OSS said I'm not talking to you. Another time he was talking to me while I was working on something and because he didn't call my name, I pretty much ignored him. His dad was around so I figured he was talking to him. Please do not say this is normal, because it's not. At work when you need something from someone you call the person by name, and your nieces and nephews call you by name. I used to go to my aunt's jobs for office Christmas parties as a child and I called those women by their names.

I do plan on addressing this in the very near future. I will not say anything to SO because he will probably make excuses.

fairyo's picture

I don't know what they call me now, but before I disengaged they called me by my name. I call them by their names, but as I no longer even ask about them I don't use their names anymore. You feel they are not using your name to speak to you, as if you weren't there. I wouldn't bother saying anything to SO, but when a skid speaks to you just remind them that you have a name. Or start calling them 'thing'- they should get the message.

jam's picture

Personally, I think it is a deliberate way of treating you like a nobody.

Next time your dh responds to SS and then you hear the "I wasn't speaking to you" statement, give ss the "Excuse me, I have a name and it is SMBlues"

hereiam's picture

Do they call other people by their names?

Some people actually do have anxiety or fear of addressing someone by their name. But, it could also be a way of saying that you are nothing to them, you don't matter, you are a non-person. So, total disrespect. If they easily call others by name, they are doing it on purpose and for a reason.

If my SD refused to say my name when addressing me, I would completely ignore her. She must be talking to the air.

On the other side of that, I hate when people that don't even know me, call me by my name over and over again. Occasionally, a customer (a stranger) will call at work and say my name 5 times within 2 minutes. It implies familiarity and is so fake when a complete stranger does it. Of course, in business, some people think this endears you to them, makes you feel like you are friends, so that you will give them a good deal or do what they want. It does not impress me.

But the point is the same, using someone's name (or not) when talking to them, does mean something.

notsobad's picture

Saying someone's name over and over, like 5 times in the first five mins is a way of cementing that persons name in your brain.

I am terrible at remembering names and I came across this trick somewhere - Tony Robbins or Dale Carnegie or someone taught it.

I don't do it all the time because it is awkward and overly familiar but when I absolutely have to remember a name I do it and it works.

ESMOD's picture

I also try to remember to use the name when thanking someone so that they understand that I am trying to be more sincere and that I see them as a person... just not a random waitstaff or customer service rep. It also is a clue that someone is listening.

strugglingSM's picture

My SSs call me by my first name.

It's weird that your SS just says things without addressing you. Maybe your DH should tell him that when speaking with someone it's common courtesy to refer to them by name or a nickname or other term of endearment. The only exception - when they are the only person around and it's obvious you could only be talking to them.

queensway's picture

Decide what name you would like to be called by your skids. It could be your name or nick name. Then ask them to address you this way. Either they will or they won't but you will know where you stand with them.

No Name's picture

My skids before all of the drama called me by my first name.
When OSD had her first child she would speak to the child and refer to me as Aunt so and so.
I am the child's grandparent, not Aunt.
OSD continues to let me know that she does not recognize me as her father's wife.

Maxwell09's picture

He doesn't call me by my real name. He calls me a nickname I went by for another little girl. I was best friends with this little girl's mom and spent nearly everyday of her first two years of her life with her babysitting and hanging out with her and her mom. I chose it myself for her because my real name is way too difficult for a toddler to pronounce and this girl had a handful of others claiming the other traditional names like " nanny" "meme" "Nana" etc so I chose went in a different direction with a word that was phonetically easiest for a toddler. Me and DH started dating when SS was 8 months old and because I always had the little girl with me while her mom would work, we would have playdates. SS hi-jacked the nickname and its been that since. He is 6 and still calls me that even though he can say my real name no problem. The only time he doesn't call me by it is when he is referencing me to my son, then he calls me "mom" and before anyone reads that wrong, I'll clarify: If he is trying to get BS2 to bring me something, he will say, "BS3 bring that to momma" he doesn't call me mom.

Imtooyoungforthis's picture

I get called by my name which is fine by me. BUt I was referred to as SM before when I had to step in on a phone call like "hold on can you explain that to my stepmom". Makes me no difference.

ESMOD's picture

I think that would have been totally acceptable. I think it conveyed to the person on the other end the relation of the person they were putting on the line.

They could have easily have said "let me put my brother on the phone, let me put my dad on the phone etc..."

Imtooyoungforthis's picture

But it does piss me off a bit when sk refers to friends parents or some other woman he bonded with as mom....In my head I'm like oh yeah go live with and terrorize her ass lol...

disrestep's picture

YSD, who is an adult, refers to me when talking to my dh as "Your F!!!:;$ wife" (please fill in the blanks) or when talking to others as "she or her". Adult OSS refers to me "HER". I don't care, as I don't call them anything and do not speak to them as much as I can help it.

DaniAM73's picture

SS12 and SS15 call me by name when they want something. Like Disrestep I am referred to as her or she.

classyNJ's picture

They call me by my name. When SS15 first came to us full time, SO asked him to get him some icecream. SS15 asked "does everyone want icecream?" I said - oh is my new name everyone now? He was embarrassed and I think a little shocked that I called him on it. So now he specifically says "classy, would you like some icecream? LOL

ESMOD's picture

Actually, I don't think that he meant to offend when he said that. He likely meant himself, SO and you... so everyone. The fact that he was embarrassed was because he probably didn't mean offense.

I think sometimes kids can have a bit of resistance or awkwardness about calling an adult by their first name. Yet.. it's also maybe equally difficult to call a step parent as a mom or dad too. so... especially when it hasn't been clear what the preference is... maybe they use more general terms.

Me? my SD's used my first name.

HowLongIsForever's picture

I am Miss First Name or just First Name. Honestly, the Miss part feels weird to me but that's how it's shaking out so far.

I honestly don't mind what name they choose as long as it's not disrespectful. My default is nicknames so I won't hold it against them if that's where we end up.

Rags's picture

My SS has always called me Dad(dy). His mom and I started dating when he was 15mos old and I as the first person he ever actually called Daddy. He knew the SpermIdiot and early in our dating life when my then GF would ask him where daddy was he would point at a picture of DipShitIot on the wall of her living room.

After a few months of dating he started calling me Daddy. His choice. I nor his mom ever even suggested it to him. He knew who his REAL dad was by the time he was about 18mos old and it sure as hell was not his SpermIdiot.

We did have a couple of discussions over the years about SpermGrandHag not wanting him calling me Dad and spouting her toxic Hag drool about how I was not his REAL dad.

Those disscussions went something like this:

SS: Dad, (SpermGrandHag) says you are not my REAL dad and that you are only my StepDad.

Me: Son, we have talked about how a BioDad is the dad that made you with your mom and how a StepDad is the dad who is married to your mom and loves you and your mom very much and goes to work every day to make sure we have a nice house to live in, safe cars to drive, a safe neighborhood to live in, good food to eat, nice clothes to wear, nice shoes to wear, that you have good schools to go to, teaches you to tie your shoes, ride your bike, coaches your baseball team, officiates your swim team, helps to teach you to read and write, reads you a bedtime story every night, and tucks you in and kisses you good night. A REAL dad does all of those things. Your GrandMa (SpermGrandHag) is confused about what a REAL dad is.

SS: Dad, a StepDad sounds like a REAL dad to me. Will you come outside and throw the ball with me?

End of first discussion.

Next discussion a few years later.

SS: Dad, (SpermGrandHag) says that since you are not my REAL dad and only my StepDad that I cant call you Dad.

Me: Son, Dad has always been good enough until now. You are the one who chose to call me Dad. So, you can still choose to call me Dad or .... you can call me Mr. (Lastname). I don't allow children to call me by my given name. So.... it is your choice. Dad or Mr. (Lastname).

SS: Dad, I'll stick with Dad.

End of the last discussion. It never came up again.

The culmination of the topic occurred a couple of years ago a few months before SS's 23rd B-day. He asked me to adopt him. We made that happen and now he has the family name. He has always been a member of the family but now he is in the family by his choice.

I find your Skid's behavior towards you to be reprehensible. I think I would nip this crap in the bud pronto and each and every time until they fix it. Do not let them choose what they will call you. You tell them what they will call you and you ignore them until they politely address you by that moniker. They refer to you as they are told to refer to you and they reply to you and their dad with Yes/No Ma'am/Sir. PERIOD. That your DH has not jacked his Spawn up over this is disappointing.

IMHO of course.

MamaHatesLifeRightNow's picture

"Deliberate way of treating you like a nobody"

This couldn't be more true. Agree!