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Losing Sleep after 25 years with Stepdaugher

lbm244's picture

So, I have just picked my jaw up off the floor after my step son in law shared something with me. Long story, but here goes. My husband and I have been married for 25 years. We get along great and for a LONG time our kids were really close. I have two girls (now 35 and 32) my husband has two girls (now 38 and 35). His 38 and my 32 are constantly having issues. We have one son together. Over the years my step daughter has been nice to me always as LONG as I kiss her a@@. Now that she has two kids (her oldest is our first of 6 grandchildren) and we are inseparable (me and the grands). Fast forward 6 years later and 4 more Grandkids. Her sister (other stepdaughter is awesome). My daughter with kids two boys and his oldest have always had a love/hate relationship. Over the last few years it has gotten really rough. My daughter has borderline personality disorder and can be highly emotional. His daughter is very black and white,cut and dry. Now comes the clincher. I have a 10 month old Grandson who has been hospitalized for the last several months. He was born early and has had breathing difficulties since and also has feeding issues. He is on a feeding tube, bipap to breathe and NOT doing well. I found out tonight that my stepdaughter has gone as far as calling my daughters pediatrician and suggest that she is "making him sick," to get attention. Keep in mind he is IN the hospital and has been on and off for 8 months. He is monitored closely by doctors and nurses. My daughter has a 3 year old and is literally exhausted from trying to find out how to help her little one. She has been a fierce advocate trying to get him the help he needs to survive. I think she has always been a bit jealous of my daughter for some reason. In the beginning, she said that she was being neurotic and I think now she is trying to save face by suggesting this. This was ALL told to me tonight in confidence by my son in law (married to the OTHER stepdaughter). He was trying to warn me as he is not a fan of her either but tolerates her. She is a very superficial person, constantly tells us about her "friends," (which she has never had) that she made since her daughter went into the snotty catholic school in her "upscale town" where she is a teacher. I know this sounds bizarre, but really don't know the best way to handle it. If I talk to her, I can kiss the grandkids goodbye. Don't want to stir the pot, so have to figure out a behind the scenes way to deal with this. If I tell my daughter I think this will be the end of all family vacations, holidays and fun times that the "cousins" share. I promised my son in law to keep this confidential. Any ideas of a good approach without blowing the lid off? If I did not have the grandkids that I cherish and adore like my own blood this would be EASY.

Acratopotes's picture

Your son in law gave you a warning of what might be going on, quietly find out if it's true from the doctors, get statements etc.... you never know the real truth until self investigated.

Then simply start disengaging from the trouble maker, it's very easy to say, being your age that these expensive family holidays are simply to expensive for you and DH to do, you prefer being on your own little holiday ...
visit the grand babies as often as you like, talk to your daughter to disengage from her step bitch, but this disengagement will simply be...

at family functions, you are polite and friendly, when there's no function you simply ignore the person, no contact, if she calls so be it, but you will not go out of your way staying in touch.

Yes you will miss the grand kids, but you will have to accept it and get some distance,

fairyo's picture

Sorry but is the grandchild your daughter's or SD's? In Fairyland there is a recognisable mental illness called Munchausen's by proxy. The mother of this child cannot have caused the premature birth, but could have developed it as a result of the intensive treatment needed and become very dependent on the medical services. If she has Munchausen's it should be picked up by the staff, monitored and treated.
Acrat is right, you need to get clear clinical evidence before listening to rumour and conjecture. If SS thinks she may have it, he should report it straight away as it can be very dangerous for the child who is the innocent in all this.
What do holidays matter when the life of a child is at stake?

Acratopotes's picture

The premy is her bio daughters baby, 7 months old and in hospital for the whole time or very close to it...

The SD with the older kids - claims the mother makes this baby sick to get attention...

fairyo's picture

Thanks for clearing that up-I thought that was the case- so my first thought was why should she believe her SS or SD at all? If they are making it up I would speak to the medics, get clarity on this, and then ignore the skids. Maybe that is just too simplistic. You are right, Acrat,about the holidays as well. Life is change and sometimes if we don't change things,that change is brought upon us.

Rags's picture

Dig into it. If true then look into legal action by your daughter against your SD. Pulling the manipulative SD's teeth and nailing her ass to the wall for false allegations against your DD will likely solve this issue permanently. Slander or defamation can result in a civil judgement against SD. Your DD needs this info so she can pursue shutting the SD up.

IMHO of course.

Ispofacto's picture

Slander is almost impossible to prove, because it involves intent. If someone makes an allegation they believe is true and it turns out to be false, it is not slander. It's difficult to prove the accuser *knew* the allegation to be false.

Knowing someone with BPD, I wouldn't dismiss Munchausen's. I know someone personally who selected *one* of her 3 children for this abuse. Just like frequently one child in a family is targeted for sexual abuse, or for physical abuse (ala A Child Called "It").